Fame, Fortune and Figurines

Professor Severus Snape, Order of Merlin Second Class, one-time hero of the wizarding world and one of Witch Weekly's ten most eligible bachelors parted the crowd easily as he stalked through Hogwarts in a cold fury more reminiscent of his spy days. He wasn't angry per say, at least not in a traditional sense, or in a traditional manner, but he /was/ extremely embarrassed and the small package he clutched firmly in one hand, the logo of the store from whence it came magiced to remain visible no matter how it was carried, was the main source of his irritation.

Professor Snape had always been a private man, some might say anti-social, but his irritability was a trait he had happily cultivated since childhood. While his friends, few though they might be, had noticed a marked difference in him since Voldemort's demise, in times of great stress or emotional turmoil he still possessed the ability to wrap himself in the "greasy-git" persona that he had worn for so many years. The current situation clearly qualified as such a time.

Professor Snape did not take well to embarrassment, indeed he was fairly certain that of all the emotions that his new found popularity had opened him up to, this was the one with which he was the least equipped to deal and that was the reason for his very hasty retreat. All of this was instinctual of course, Severus Snape, /Professor/ Severus Snape would never admit to feeling any embarrassment and certainly not to allowing it to make him act in such an irrational manner.

The reason for the Professor's embarrassment was a fairly small thing, quite literally, as the package he carried contained a tiny replica of himself, in simple terms, a doll. Not that he would ever call it a doll and indeed it was reasonable to assume that he would react quite badly should anyone else ever think to call it a doll in his presence. To him it was a statue and a particularly unflattering one. That the rest of the wizarding world seemed to be referring to it and the others like it as "action figures" made no difference.

For all his current ire his day had started quite well, his chaperoning duties in Hogsmeade giving him the perfect excuse to peruse the bookshop there to his heart's content. Indeed it wasn't until he was leaving the bookshop and noticed the inordinate number of students clustered around one of Hogsmeade's newer stores that he had any idea that anything was out of the ordinary.

Curiosity was a dangerous thing, and the crowd of students had parted easily for him though not without an inordinate number of giggles. That more than anything should have tipped him off, but Severus, still absorbed with thoughts of his new books had missed the subtle warning.

When he realized the danger it was too late to make his escape as the owner of the store, a tiny man who quite obviously had not had the benefit of having studied potions at Hogwarts during Severus' tenure and thus lacked the instinct of self-preservation that all of Severus' former students had learned to exhibit in his presence, grabbed his hand and yanked him to the front of the store. Severus was just turning to him to offer a particularly nasty rejoinder when his eyes fell on the objects of the man's excitement and the students' giggles. Statues, tons of them, all lined up somewhat neatly beside a large sign that proudly proclaimed the newest products from Trundelton's Terrific Toys, VWII action figures. For the first time in his life, the cruel remark died on his tongue and Severus Snape was stunned into silence. There on the shelf before him were an alarming number of little statues all bearing his face. He swallowed hard, suppressing an overwhelming urge to purchase the entire lot simply so no one else would. It was hopeless though, if the toys were here, they were everywhere and horror of horrors, he was fairly certain that even if he managed to buy them all. the company in question would simply make more.

"Marvelous aren't they?" the shop keeper gushed, "just got them in this morning, hot off the line. They're selling like crazy already though I must admit you're not as popular as some, we sold out of Harry Potter's in the first hour." He clapped Professor Snape firmly on the back, receiving a look that would have caused a more observant man to leave town and continued in a conspiratal whisper. "They're already proving to be a difficult product to stock. The Draco Malfoy's and Ron Weasley's absolutely can not be shelved next to each other. I spent the entire morning breaking up duels, those little wands may not look potent but they pack a good sting, and would you believe the little Weasley girls end up with their tongues down Mr. Malfoy's throat every time my back is turned. You won't believe how sneaky those two figures have proven to be in combination. They're all over the store, I never would have believed it if you'd told me those two were snogging."

This announcement caused Snape to eye the little Snape's quite sharply, again he was struck with the irrational desire to buy them all lest any of his secrets be uncovered by their actions. He glared at the little statues and was pleased to note that they seemed quite self contained and if anything contemptuous of the fuss going on all around them. He relaxed marginally. In a bizarre way, they were him and he had always had an instinct for self preservation. For their part the little Snape's just stirred their miniature cauldrons and indeed professor Snape was pleased to note that they didn't seem to be interacting with the other characters in any way. He decided that the fact that the miniature Hermione Granger's were completely caught up trying to separate the Ron's from the Draco's was a good thing and surreptitiously moved a few of the Ginny Weasley's into the middle of the fight. He was fairly certain that their sisters' presence and the need to protect her virtue would keep the Ron's fighting indefinitely, and that would ensure that the Granger's stayed far away from the Snape's.

He allowed himself a brief chuckle at his own resourcefulness, the statues were unexpected and unwelcome but they did provide him with one momentary twinge of satisfaction, Gilderoy Lockhart had never had an action figure made in his likeness. That cheerful thought was almost enough to make him smile.

Unfortunately the fact remained that someone had made a completely unauthorized replica of him and he had no doubt that these figures were already in the hands of his students and worse yet, his former students. He did not want to contemplate the uses that some of them would no doubt make of them, while voodoo was not technically a magical science, he had no doubt that the Neville Longbottom's of the world would take great delight in boiling the little figures in old school cauldrons.

He had another thought, what if they didn't sell at all? What if a year from now, after the Harry Potter's and Albus Dumbledore's had long since been snatched off the shelves, the little Snape's were still there, gathering dust and destined for a place on the clearance rack. The indignity of being for sale could only be compounded by the indignity of being half off.

He grimaced and once again contemplated buying them all, but the shop keeper chose that moment to grab his arm and drag him onto the small raised dais, where in front of the rather sizeable crowd that had gathered, he was presented with his very own Severus figure. Standing there, being publicly displayed against his will, the true horror of the situation finally came crashing down and Professor Severus Snape, order of Merlin Second class, one time hero of the wizarding world and one of Witch Weekly's ten most eligible bachelors did something he had never done in all his years as a spy, he panicked.

That was how the normally composed man came to find himself nearly running though the halls of Hogwarts enroute to his chambers, There was nothing he decided, absolutely nothing, quite as mortifying as suddenly finding yourself for sale in half the wizarding stores in the country.