The Rules of the Game

What would you think if I sang out of tune

Would you stand up and walk out on me

Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song

And I'll try not to sing out of key.

-- The Beatles, "With A Little Help From My Friends."

Life Is But A Dream

Across the Atlantic ocean, away from the continent Columbus had discovered centuries ago, beyond the tips of England, the Burrow was settled. Inside Molly Weasley scolded Ron for yelling at his sister, Arthur tinkered with a Muggle object away from his wife's eyes, and the twins happily exploded something that looked suspiciously like Percy's extra-special ink bottle.

No one was in the kitchen at the moment, and no one noticed the way the family clock marked its Bill pendent away from "at work" to "in mortal peril."

*

The Halls of Hell, as Bill had fondly come to know the underground passage, did not end shortly after Doyle's short confrontation with death, nor did it end shortly after Rani almost got bitten by a snake, or when Chuck almost fell into a strategically placed piranha pit.

Instead, the Halls of Hell continued on and on, through the darkness, one trap after another, neither easier than the one before.

Row, row, row your boat...

It was Chuck singing. Singing the way a man asked for water in the middle of a desert.

Gently down the stream...

Rani complained about it. She complained and complained and even threatened to let Doyle eat Chuck. Doyle gladly agreed, but Chuck just shrugged and kept singing. Bill didn't mind. He liked distractions, hated the silence. If it weren't for the fact that he knew that Doyle might actually eat him, he would have joined and created a duet.

Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily...

There was something ahead. The light of his wand barely made it out. A dead end? He hoped not. They had walked too far to suddenly stop. He was out of jokes, out of hope, he was just hungry and fed up and really wanted to be back in Egypt.

It was like he was dying. Dying with people he didn't even know that well. People who only needed him to get some big reward and save humankind.

Humankind, pfft. What had humankind ever done for him?

Life is but a dream.

Bill shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. He didn't think like that. He was just tired. He was going to get out of here. He was going to go home. He was going to have a nice, big steak with his family. He was going to--

Light?

Not from his wand?

Light!

"Light!" echoed Chuck, happily.

"Stop," Doyle said, holding his arm out, not letting Chuck run forward. "It's not the sun. It's not an opening."

"Artificial light?" Bill asked. He blinked. "A chamber?"

"Why is there a chamber here?" said Rani. "Oh no! What if we've just been walking in circles? What if we're back at the tomb?"

Bill moved carefully, his wand in one hand, Bellamont's dagger in the other. Doyle was by his side (for the first time), Rani a few steps back. They moved quietly, slowly, expecting the worst and not the best. If anything, Vetula had made them pessimists.

The light got brighter as they got closer. Bill felt his heart beat faster, and he clutched his wand tightly.

The chamber seemed to be suspended in time. At least, the various skeleton soldiers seemed to be suspended so. It was a sight to see. There must have been a dozen or so of them, all looking like statues, standing in various battle-like positions. Some held swords high in the sky, some held their shields defensively, all frozen in perfect order.

"What--what is this?" Summer asked.

No one moved forward. No one moved backwards. No one moved. Period.

"Are they petrified?" Rani asked. She was eyeing the closest one carefully.

"They don't look to be," Bill said, raising his wand defensively. "It's like they're statues... are they?"

"If they are, they're very realistic statues," Doyle complimented, moving closer to one. "Definitely human bones. Anyone want to give one a poke?"

"No, don't touch anything," Rani warned. "Let's just get across the room. There's a door, and that's better than being here. Carefully now."

"This reminds me about a skeleton joke," said Bill, as they moved in pairs across the room. "Why are skeletons so calm?"

"Why?" followed Chuck, grinning.

"Because nothing gets under their skin!"

Rani rolled her eyes.

Summer sighed.

And then she let out a blood-curling scream.

Bill whipped around, Bellamont's dagger poking at the air.

One of the skeleton soldiers had moved, and it had Summer dangerously in its grip. It gave the group a chilling smile, and reached for its sword.

Summer whimpered.

"Petrificus Totalus!" cried Rani.

The skeleton froze, sword in mid-air, Summer still squirming.

"That was impossibly easy," said Doyle, letting out a breath. "Summer, can you free yourself?"

Summer struggled for a bit, and managed to slip out of the skeleton's grip. "Dear diary, today I was groped by a bag of bones. It wasn't fun," Summer mumbled angrily

"So, right. These things do, apparently, come to life," Bill observed. "The question is how, and if we're willing to stick around and go through trial and error."

"I vote for running for our lives," Chuck declared.

"I second that vote," Summer agreed. "Votes in favour?"

"Aye!" Rani and Doyle chorused.

Bill tapped the petrified skeleton with his knuckles. The thing didn't move. He supposed it would be best to move along. The quicker they moved, the sooner he'd be home with a cup of tea and a nice normal tomb.

"Um, Bill," Eddy seemed to stutter on the microphone, "if I could bother you for a moment, turn to your left a bit, I see something odd."

Bill obliged and turned to look to his left, and came face to face with another - very alive - skeleton. He whipped out his dagger to block out the coming blow from the skeleton's own very large sword.

"Help?" he begged.

"All I asked for was the door," complained Chuck, pulling out his wand. "Petrificus Totalus!"

Bill scrambled out of the way as the skeleton froze.

"Rani, they're all starting to move," said Summer, somewhere from Bill's right.

Summer's observation was correct. Apparently all the skeletons had decided to start moving, and they were slowly flexing out their arms and legs, and even a few were slowly closing in on them.

"We need to get to the door," Doyle said, wrenching the sword out of Bill's attacker's hand. "Summer, you're closer, go now. After her, everyone try to get themselves out."

Bill used his dagger again against a defending blow. He needed to retrieve his wand instead. A dagger would be no match for a real sword.

"Petrificus Totalus!" Rani said. "Come on, Weasley, let's go. If you move to the right, you're clear. Petrificus Totalus!"

Bill dodged a skeleton that had leaped to grab him, and quickly moved towards the door. He pulled his wand out of his pocket, turned to where Doyle was having a hard time beheading a skeleton and muttered, "Refringo!"

The skeleton's bones fell to the floor in a pile, and Doyle gave Bill a grateful wink.

"Weasley!" someone shrieked. It sounded like Rani.

Suddenly, Bill felt a terribly pain above his hip. Like a dragon had taken a bite out of him.

"Weasley!" It was definitely Rani.

"Petrificus Totalus!" someone cried out.

Bill collapsed to the floor. He was coughing up... blood? The pain wouldn't go away and--and he knew what happened. One of the skeletons had managed to stab him.

Painfully.

Bill whimpered and tried to take deep breaths. It felt like his lungs were closed off and he couldn't breath. He didn't dare look down at his stomach, fearing to see some sharp sword poking out of him like a pincushion.

He was dying.

He could practically hear angels singing, "Swing low, sweet chariot" as they awaited him.

"Oh, god, he's dying," someone said.

"He's not dying!" Rani objected angrily. "Come on, let's get him out of here before these skeletons get back to shaking their bones."

"Do--do we pull out the sword or something?" That was Chuck.

Bill felt himself be lifted and slung over someone's shoulder. He imagined it was Doyle. And also this whole thing was quite embarrassing.

"No, just open the door. We're safer on the other side," Doyle said.

"Don't worry, Weasley," Rani said softly, "no one dies on my watch."

Bill wanted to laugh. But he only managed to cough out more blood and gasp in pain. He was feeling tired now. He wanted to sleep.

"Put him down on the floor," Rani ordered. "I can heal him. Hurry!"

Bill's head banged slightly against the floor, and Doyle muttered a quick apology.

"We need to pull the sword out first," Rani said.

Bill spluttered an objection. There was no way they were going to cause him more pain. If he had to die like this, he would. The pain was almost bearable now.

"Don't be such a big baby," Rani snapped. "I'm afraid there's nothing I can do to stop the pain, so just suck it up like a man. Doyle, pull it out on the count of three."

Doyle grabbed the hilt of the sword.

Bill wanted to squirm, but he could barely move on his side.

"One," said Rani.

Bill tried to take another breath a brace himself.

"Two."

Bill thought of his family and pretended this was just a bad nightmare.

"Three!"

Doyle pulled.

Bill let out a scream that could have easily been translated to, "Oh my fucking god, I'm going to kill you fuckers. I think I'm fucking dying."

"Good boy, Weasley," Doyle said, patting his side. "It's almost over."

"God, look at all the blood," Summer observed.

Bill whimpered. "Don't--don't let him--eat me," he muttered to Rani.

She snickered. "Don't be stupid, Weasley," she said, but she was smiling. "Ok, now we're going to clean that wound and help it heal. Ready? Good."

Bill could barely hear her muttering a few healing spells, but he did notice how the pain seemed to lessen completely and his stomach seemed to be going back to its usual amount of tissue and skin.

"It'll leave a bit of a scar, I'm afraid," Rani said when she finished.

Bill sat up, looking at where the sword at once been, and then turning to look at Rani. She was smiling at him, looking both tired and pretty at the same time.

"Thank you," he whispered, grinning.

"I told you no one dies on my watch," she scolded.

"I hope that's the closest call we ever have to seeing someone die," Summer said. She handed Bill a bottle of water. "You gave us an awful fright."

"We'll rest a bit, but then we'll have to keep moving," Rani said. "How are you feeling, Weasley?"

"A bit ill, but better than I was five minutes ago," Bill answered. "The vampire, on the other hand, doesn't look so good."

Doyle, who did in fact look slightly paler than he should have been, merely shrugged. "Just be happy that I can keep myself in check around so much blood, Weasley."

*

Across the Atlantic ocean, away from the continent Columbus had discovered centuries ago, beyond the tips of England, the Burrow was settled. Inside Molly Weasley scolded Ron for yelling at his sister, Arthur tinkered with a Muggle object away from his wife's eyes, and the twins happily exploded something that looked suspiciously like Percy's extra-special ink bottle.

No one was in the kitchen at the moment, and no one noticed the way the family clock marked its Bill pendent away from "at work" to "in mortal peril."

However, before Molly Weasley could return to her kitchen to check on the Sunday lunch, the pendent quickly moved back to "at work."