The Rules of the Game

And the sun goes down

And moonlight's shining through

Then like a sinner before the gates of heaven

I'll come crawling on back to you

-- Meatloaf, "Bat Out Of Hell"

Kill Bill

"Now," one of the two men said, eyeing Bill carefully, "give me your wand, and be a good little boy, or it'll be the end of you."

Bill handed over his wand, careful not to get the ape in front of him angry. He was quite sure that there was a way out of this, he just had to look for it. Also, Rani was a smart woman she could -

"Ow!" yelled the other man, who had been attempting to remove Rani of her wand and gun.

"Touch me again, and I'll kindly wipe off that grin of yours with the sole of my boot," Rani threatened.

"Why you little," the man continued mumbling, rubbing his knee painfully.

"Shut it and tie them up!" the first man ordered, throwing a length of rope at his partner. "Nice and tight, and they'll be no problem."

For some reason Eddy had offered little words of assurance, and Pat had remained quiet within Bill's bag. The scenery around them still looked worthless with the numerous coffins and desperate dripping of water somewhere.

While the second man had looked hopeless at dealing with women, he seemed to be quite good at tying them up. There was little that Bill could do as his wrists were tied behind his back as well as tied to Rani's own bonds.

"This brings back memories," Bill said, in hopes of lightening the mood. "Except I wasn't in a tomb, and the only threat I felt was because the woman's heel was frighteningly near by groin."

Rani rolled her eyes, although Bill was quite sure he could hear Eddy chuckle in his earpiece.

"How about we make a deal?" Bill called out, as the two men eyed the coffins with care. "You let me out, and you can keep the girl."

"Hey!" objected Rani. "How about they let me out, and we can feed you to the piranhas?"

"Shut it," warned one of the men. "Let's hurry this up, and get the Sphere."

Bill decided that from now on he'd be known as Tweedledee.

"Montanez told us only to secure the area," the other one said slowly. "We're going against our orders."

The other would be, naturally, Tweedledum.

"But!" said Bill, brightly. "If you get the Sphere first, you'll be heroes among your clan of no-gooders."

Tweedledee and Tweedledum exchanged looks.

"Possible - and this is just an idea, mates - sell it off to the highest bidder. Become rich and merry and drunk in money," Bill continued. "I hear a good price comes from... er, hello?"

Tweedledee, who was obviously the brains of the small operation, had been staring hungrily at Rani's breasts.

Bill cleared his throat.

Nothing. Rani looked ready to hurt something. If she weren't tied up.

"I think your friend is a little distracted," Bill said to Tweedledum.

Tweedledum promptly punched his partner in the shoulder.

"As I was saying," Bill continued.

"We'll get Montanez the Sphere," Tweedledee said, as if nothing had happened. He eyed Bill carefully. "Stay where you are."

Bill struggled against his bonds for emphasis. "Don't think I could move if I wanted," he said. "Which, if you think about it, is a pity."

Rani snorted.

Tweedledee fished something out of his pocket. It was a slightly round object, looking much like a compass. A gold arrow spun around, until finally stopping and pointing somewhere in the left corner.

Rani looked at it curiously, and shrugged at Bill's questioning glance.

"Magical compass," explained Eddy through the earpiece, his voice sounding quite surprised. "It's supposed to detect magical items in the perimeter. I wonder how they got their hands on that. Even Bellamont doesn't have one."

Bill had never really heard of such an object, but he did have to admit it'd come well in handy. If he did manage to get out of this pickle, he'd suggest it to Gringotts.

Tweedledum was moving around the room, using the compass to guide him to the winning coffin. His bulk figure, however, made it a bit hard to move about with ease, and he had to go slower in order not to accidentally open a casket.

The arrow of the compass swirled around, slower this time, proving to be quite specific on pointing out the location of the sphere. The slower it moved the more Bill felt himself sweat in panic. The Sphere of Mentality would do no good in an idiot's hand.

"We need to do something," Rani hissed, struggling against the tight bonds.

Bill did not answer for there was nothing he could say. Instead he watched as the scene unfolded, desperately trying to think of a way to cut the ropes. He knew that he had a few knives on him (one being Bellamont's fancy key-dagger), but it was impossible for him to reach them.

Tweedledum had finally reached the lucky coffin, and Bill could practically hear the music of suspense ringing away in his head.

"Montanez will be very happy to see this," Tweedledee said. "We'll get paid a nice profit for our noble work."

Rani took in a sharp breath as Tweedledum pushed off the top of the coffin. Slowly, he pulled a rather electric blue sphere. It was perhaps no larger than a Quaffle and emitted a spooky glow. There was no doubt that it was the Sphere of Mentality.

For some reason Bill found himself remembering of when the twins and Ron were small. Fred and George found it fun to steal things out of Ron's room and it was an endless mess of fighting and crying. A sudden burst of inspiration shot him.

"I hear it's cursed," Bill said loudly, but twisting his neck to look at Rani.

She looked confused about what he was talking about and slowly said, "The Sphere?"

"Yes," Bill said enthusiastically, knowing that he was getting the attention of dumb and dumber. "Remember what happened to old Pete?"

Rani was about to answer, but it was Tweedledee who asked, "What happened to 'im?"

"Boils," Bill explained. "Everywhere."

"Everywhere?" echoed Tweedledee, grimacing.

"Really itchy ones," Rani added, following Bill's lead. "Big red itchy ones. Not even the best potion could cure. I think they lasted for about two months."

"Maybe a few more days," said Bill, thoughtfully.

"What's a two months to everything we'll get paid?" snapped Tweedledum.

"Oh, that's not just it," Rani said quickly. "Then came the allergies."

Bill sighed dramatically. "Poor old Pete. He had to be sent to the healers. Almost had his brains blown out from all the sneezing."

Tweedledee rubbed the back of his head nervously.

"Do you remember that odd black thing that started growing on his leg?" Rani asked, her face scrunched up as if she were trying to remember something.

"Never came off," Bill said sympathetically. "I saw him a few days before I came here. He showed it to me. Bloody awful."

"What was it?" Tweedledee asked. "The black stuff, I mean."

"Fungus, probably?" Rani said with a shrug. "All I know is that it wouldn't come off."

"Pete said it squeezed his leg from time to time," Bill offered. "I would have died if I had it."

"Maybe we should leave the Sphere here," Tweedledee said, looking at the object in his hands in fear.

"Don't be stupid," Tweedledum growled. "They're just lying."

"Did you ever read how the Museum of Wizarding History in London fell down?" Bill asked sweetly.

The two brutes nodded slightly.

"Pete was in there when it happened," Bill said. "He had just paid for his ticket, and the whole building immediately fell down."

"What's Pete doing nowadays?" Rani asked.

Bill looked at his two captors and said, "Now, don't tell anyone, but he's become a full time nut. All that bad luck, well, it drove him completely mad. I mean, they returned the Sphere back to its place, but poor old Pete is still having the worst luck ever."

Tweedledee held out the Sphere to Tweedledum. "Here," he said, "I don't want it."

"Don't be stupid," Tweedledum snapped. "I'm telling you, it's just a stupid lie. It's not cursed."

"Maybe that's why Montanez made you come, don't you think?" Rani said with an innocent look.

Tweedledum snarled. "I'm quite sure," he said, his voice cold, "that if we offer a sacrifice to the tomb, the curse will be lifted." He held up his gun towards Bill. "So, who'll be the first to go?"

Bill laughed nervously. "Oh, surely you don't mean that," he said, trying to put on his best charms. "Hey, how about I give you a vase I found back in one of the rooms? Good artefact, nice price. We'll call it even."

Pat grumbled unhappily from Bill's abandoned bag.

"Or," continued Bill, slightly on the board of please-don't-kill-me hysteria, "you could just leave me and my nice friend here to fend for ourselves. Preferably with our wands."

"Or, if my partner agrees," Tweedledum said, "your nice friend might be the first to go." He turned his gun on Rani.

"Oh, I don't think so, chum," a new voice said. "It looks like the tables are about to be turned."

Standing at the archway, a gun in hand, was a man perhaps a bit shorter than Bill. He had blond hair that was combed back and was wearing sunglasses despite the darkness of the tomb. He was wearing blue jeans and an olive green T-shirt. He looked like he had just stepped off the street in some major-run city.

However, he was not alone. Flanked by his side was a woman and a young boy. They were each holding up their own wands.

"Doyle!" Rani exclaimed, a smile lighting up on her face.

"Doyle!" Eddy exclaimed on the earpiece.

Bill could only think: Doyle?

*

Tweedledee and Tweedledum seemed to be very intimidated by having three new people threaten them. They did not give much of a fight as Chuck removed them of their weapons and gained back Bill and Rani's wands. They didn't even move as Doyle untied Bill and Rani, and then used the rope to tie them instead.

They seemed, in all sincerity, quite petrified once Doyle had licked his lips and opened his mouth, revealing quite a nice pair of fangs.

Bill had not really moved. He gripped his wand tightly, almost if not sure what to do with it and his current situation.

"Eddy," he whispered, as Rani hugged Doyle and then Summer, "who are these people?"

"Remember Rani's ex-husband?" Eddy asked. "Well, that's Doyle."

"He looks like he's fifteen!" objected Bill.

"Being a vampire might do that to you," Doyle answered gruffly.

"Eurgh," was all Bill offered.

"And we weren't married," Rani objected, easily having heard the conversation from her earpiece. "We were about to be."

Summer cleared her throat lightly, causing Doyle to give a sheepish grin. "Sorry, Weasley," he said, "let me introduce my two partners in crime. This lovely lady is Summer Port, and that dashing young fool is Chuck Port."

Bill shook hands with both of them before saying, "Married?"

Chuck laughed. "No," he answered, "siblings."

"What are you doing here?" Rani asked Doyle. She was carrying the Sphere in her arms carefully.

"Bellamont sent us for research purposes," Doyle explained. "We decided to come earlier, though."

"Can't say we're sorry you did," Rani said, a nice smile on her face.

Bill scowled. "We should probably get going," he snapped. "Who knows how many more men Montanez will send after us."

"Any idea of a quick way out?" Doyle asked. "If these two idiots don't return soon, Montanez will come a-wandering."

"We could try Pat," Rani said to Bill. "He knew about this floor. Maybe he'll know of a quicker, safer way out."

"Pat?" asked Doyle.

"Trap door," Pat informed. He bounced up to Summer. "Do you think you could kindly turn me back to my human form?" he asked nicely.

Summer stared. "Eh--"

"No!" snapped Bill and Rani.

Bill quickly snatched up Pat.

Pat grumbled and said some not very nice words that Molly Weasley would have frowned upon.

"Where's this trap door?" demanded Bill.

If he could, Pat would have shrugged. "Beats me, toots. Open a coffin, hope for a lucky number." He wriggled angrily in Bill's grasp. "Too tight," he huffed.

"I don't think Lady Luck is in our favour," Chuck said thoughtfully. "I don't think we should risk it." He glanced at Pat. "Can we even trust it?"

"It?" snapped Pat. "Come here, come here. I'll show you it!"

"Behave," Bill warned.

"Children, children," Doyle chided, "don't make me put you in separate corners."

Bill glared. He did not like this - this vampire calling the claims. He was the one in power here!

"If you were a trap door," he said, "where would you like to hide?"

"At home, under my bed," Summer teased. "Or not," she amended when people started to glare.

"Pat," Rani said, "back in the hallway there was a slight dripping. Does water run through the tomb?"

Pat was quiet for a minute or so before responding, "I believe there is a sort of old-fashioned plumbing system which carries water from the outside towards a specific chamber." He paused again. "Not quite sure which chamber, but it's probably on the floor above."

"Are you going to have us follow the water?" Doyle asked.

"What? Oh, no." Rani grinned sheepishly. "It was a completely unrelated question."

"This tomb has a plumbing system?" Chuck said incredulous. "My old house didn't even have one."

"Your old house was in the pits of hell," said Summer, pointedly.

Bill turned to Doyle. "How," he asked slowly, as if it had suddenly occurred to him, "did you get past the Chimaera?"

Doyle looked slightly confused. "Have you ever heard the story of The Odyssey?"

"Of course," said Bill.

"You remember how Ulysses use to keep sacrificing the thighs of bulls to the gods?" Doyle continued.

"You made a sacrifice to the gods?" Bill asked, look incredulous.

"No, we just threw some bull meat at the Chimaera and distracted it," Doyle said. "How did you get pass?"

Bill blushed, and Rani coughed discreetly.

"What about you two?" Bill asked, turning to Tweedledee and Tweedledum. "Did you also use bull's meat?"

"No," said Tweedledum. "We used fish."

Bill sighed. He could hear Eddy snicker on the ear-piece.

"I say we open the first five coffins, and hope someone up there is watching over us," Chuck said, moving dangerously close to a coffin.

"Or someone down there, who will probably laugh when we die a horrible and painful death," murmured Bill.

"Maybe Chuck has a point, and we should risk it," Summer said slowly. "After all, it'll do us no good to be stuck here for eternity, will it?"

"I am getting slightly hungry," Doyle agreed, giving Bill a toothy grin.

"But who's going to be the one to open the coffin?" Rani said. "If it's any help, their death will probably be quicker."

"It wouldn't be fair for one of the ladies to do it," said Doyle, thoughtfully. "So... rock, paper, scissors?"

"Er, what is that?" Bill asked.

Doyle and Chuck blinked at him.

Rani snorted.

Chuck quickly fell into explanation, showing Bill the various movements and the basic rule. Well, the only rule.

"But," said Bill, holding up his scissors, "why does paper beat rock?"

"It just does," Chuck replied.

"But the rock doesn't breathe..." insisted Bill, with a very serious look.

"It. Just. Does," snapped Chuck. "Come on, let's do this."

"Ready?" Doyle said. "Rock, paper, scissors!"

Each one showed a different hand.

"Rock, paper, scissors!"

Three rocks.

"Rock, paper scissors!"

Two papers. One rock.

The rock was Bill.

"Sorry, pal, looks like you lost," Doyle said, pretending to be sorry.

Bill was positive they had cheated. He didn't like this game. It was stupid. Paper shouldn't beat rock...

"Let your intuition choose the coffin, Weasley," Rani said. "The odds are against us anyway."

Bill walked around a bit, eyeing each one carefully. If he had another big snake, it wouldn't be too bad. Magic could easily handle the situation, but if it was something that already had a magical background...

"Hurry up, Weasley," Doyle said. "If you don't stop for Death, it will kindly stop for you."

Bill rolled his eyes. It sounded like one of Bellamont's passwords.

"Very well, keep your trousers on," Bill grumbled. "I choose this one." He poked a coffin confidently.

Summer ducked behind her brother. Doyle tensed up, preparing to fight... or run. Rani took out her wand.

"Go on, Weasley, we're behind you," she said.

Bill took a deep breath, prayed to any deity that was listening, and pushed off the lid.

The danger in front of him was--

"Mum?" asked Bill, peering at the woman in front of him.

Ok, usually a danger, but this wasn't quite what he had in mind.

And then suddenly, Molly Weasley started to bleed. It was rushing down her skin like water, and her face twisted into one of great pain.

"Mum, no!" Bill cried, rushing to her side. "Mum! Mum!"

"Weasley, stay away," Rani snapped.

Molly Weasley whined pitifully as the blood kept flowing. Bill felt his throat close up and his heart threatened to burst out of his chest. His had to do something now. His mother was going to die.

"Weasley, I said stay away!" Rani yelled, pointing her wand at him. A stream of yellow sparks hit him in the chest, and he fell backwards, hitting his head on another coffin.

"Wha--?" but Bill's cries of despair were cut off as Rani moved towards Molly.

And then, and then--

It was not longer Molly. In her place stood a giant bee, which buzzed angrily at the crowd.

"Riddikulus!" cried Rani, forcefully.

The bee disappeared into thin air, and--

And Bill felt stupid. Very stupid.

It has been a blasted Boggart, no more, no less, and certainly not his own mother, who was away in England.

"It's ok, Bill," Eddy whispered comfortingly. "It's never easy to think when it's your own mother."

Everybody seemed shaken about the experience. Even Rani seemed to have a hard time making fun of him.

"Are you all right?" Summer finally asked, moving to get to him. "I thought you bumped your head. Are you bleeding?"

Doyle sniffed the air, and said, "Yes, but slightly." He smirked at Bill.

"Whatever you're thinking, stop it," Bill said angrily.

"No worries, I wouldn't eat you. Who knows what's been through your bloodstream," Doyle assured him.

Summer touched Bill's shoulder lightly, and helped him sit up straight.

"I'm ok," he insisted. "I just hit my head on something.... Hold on, what's this?"

Carved into the coffin he had banged his head on was a rather distinguished-looking hole. It looked like... well, it looked like a--

"It looks like a sort of keyhole," Summer said.

Yes, exactly.

"What's a keyhole doing on a coffin?" Chuck asked.

Bill patted his jacket, an idea suddenly rushing to him. He felt Bellamont's mysterious dagger. What was it that Bellamont had said about it?

"This is the key that will open most doors once you're inside the tombs. It has been passed down by generations from my family, so I expect you not to lose it, Mr. Weasley."

Once again: Yes, exactly.

"I think I know our way out," Bill said, grinning ear to ear.