The Rules of the Game

All that is gold does not glitter.

-- J. R. R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

Riddle Me This

The room that Bill and Rani found themselves was not a room one would normally see. For, as far as Bill's eye could tell, the room was entirely made of gold. The walls, the floor and even the ceiling were coated with a fine sheet of gold. There was a table and matching chairs all in gold. Pottery and various pieces of jewellery, all in gold, were scattered around. It was a remarkable site, though a bit painful for the eye.

"Wha--?" said Rani.

"Wha--?" echoed Eddy through the earpiece.

"We're bloody rich," informed Bill with a grin that resembled the one Fred or George would get when they came up with an idea for their shop.

"We're poor men being tortured by looking at something that could make us rich and yet will not, because our boss gets all this," Eddy said.

Bill was not unfamiliar with the term "boss." He knew what it meant. Boss meant making sure you got paid good money, but not good enough as what you could have lived off on your findings.

"Sometimes it just makes you want to be a grave thief," Rani said, touching a chair. "It looks so real."

Bill looked at the room again. Everything was so smooth, not a single dent or crease. And, now that he thought of it, not a door either...

"I wonder where all this gold came from," Rani was saying as she moved around the room.

"Oh, hello," a voice said.

Rani and Bill both froze.

"Did you say something, Eddy?" Rani asked.

"No, wasn't me, babe," Eddy said.

"Hello," the same voice repeated.

"Uh, hello?" Bill said, wand held tightly and looking around for the source.

"Hello," the voice chirped.

There was a pause. Bill looked around again. The pause continued.

"Er, do you think," the voice said again, "that is, if you would be very kind, to ask your female friend to get her hands off me."

Rani was holding a gold vase. She promptly let go of it and it crashed to the floor.

"Not exactly what I had in mind, but thank you," the vase said.

Bill blinked. Rani blinked. Eddy and José, far away from the current events, blinked.

"Sorry?" offered Rani after a second or two of silence.

"Oh, it's quite all right,&rdqu; the vase assured her, hopping onto a chair and then onto the table. "It has happened in the last few centuries. Hello, I'm Pat."

"Pat?" Bill said.

"Pat?" Rani echoed.

They were getting too repetitive.

"Pat. Nice to meet you," the vase said, its voice still chirpy. "And the nice lady who groped me is?"

"Rani Zahra," answered Rani, still in a bit of a trance.

"And I'm Bill," Bill said quickly. "I'm sorry, we've never come upon a talking vase. Biting cups, yes, but not a talking vase."

The vase hopped a bit as if it were laughing. "Don't be silly," it finally said. "I wasn't always a talking vase. No, no, before I was quite as human as you currently are."

"Fascinating," Rani said, peering closely at Pat. "Were you cursed?"

"Something like that," Pat said. "It involved more alcohol and the wrong information than a curse, I suppose."

"How long have you been like this?" Bill asked.

"Oh, for ages, really. No one's really cared enough to get me out of this position," Pat grumbled. "You give them helpful hints and they just scurry off. I hope something ate them on the way."

"Is there anything we could do?" Rani said.

"It's a just a simple Finite Incantatum spell," Pat said, sounding quite happy. "If you would, I'd be really grateful."

Bill shrugged.

Rani pulled out her wand and pointed it at the vase. "Finite Incantatum," she said.

The vase turned into a puff of green smoke and disappeared.

Then, next to Bill, appeared a short man. He was wrinkly with grey hair and two rather large eyes.

"It's worked! It worked!" Pat said, doing some sort of celebratory dance.

Bill smiled, looked around and then stopped smiling. "Hey, hold on. Where's Rani?"

A smaller vase than the one Pat had been hopped up and down on the table.

"Oh, bugger," Bill muttered. "Rani?"

"Oh," said Pat, looking quite smug, "I forgot to mention there's a catch."

*

Doyle and company arrived to Puerto Ayacucho exactly when he sun was at its worse. Not an Indian was in sight and all their stalls had been put away until three.

"So," said Chuck in a voice that indicated sarcasm, "are we going to swim to Rani, because I don't see a boat."

Summer was looking at the river that rushed down in strong currents. She had not spoken to Doyle since their little argument back in Caracas. Her blonde hair was pulled up into a bun and she was standing away from him and Chuck.

"The sun is killing me," Doyle commented. And, while he certainly hadn't burst into flames yet, he was currently fighting the gods and goddesses of headaches.

"Not smart, boss," Chuck said, "coming to this wretched country. Rani or no Rani, it's certainly no gem."

"You really need to start appreciating countries that don't have the name United States of America, Chuck," Doyle said with a chuckle.

"I do appreciate other countries," Chuck said. "They're called Aruba, Curaçao and the Bahamas. My three beautiful women."

"Chuck, Doyle!" Summer yelled. "Come here!"

Doyle and Chuck rushed over. Summer was kneeling behind some pushes and she motioned for them to be quiet as they came closer.

"Look," she whispered, pointing towards a nearby clearing.

"Montanez," hissed Doyle, immediately recognizing the person. "I thought we stole their portkey."

"They might have kept a spare," Chuck said. "This is not good. I wonder where they got that boat."

"Probably shrunk it and brought it along with them," Summer said, her eyes trying to put everything she saw into memory.

"So, what do we do now?" Doyle asked. "We've got no boat and I don't think Montanez would like a bunch of hitchhikers."

"I think we're going to have walk," Chuck said grimly. "Just when I thought things couldn't get worse."

Doyle smiled. "Not a problem for me, but let's just keep in the shade."

The trio set down, making sure to be hidden among the trees. If they followed Montanez's path, they'd be sure to find Rani sooner or later.

"You know," Chuck said to Summer as they trudged along. "If I had an ex-wife, I'd try to be on a whole other continent, not on her heels."

*

Rani was not a happy person, er, make that a vase. She hopped and hopped around the table and Bill just stared stupidly at her. She couldn't even talk!

"A catch?" Bill finally roared, pointing his wand at Pat. "What in bloody hell did you do to her?"

"In order to make me human again, you need to trade my form with someone else's," Pat explained, not looking at all upset or sorry over Rani's current state.

"Well, looks like your time as a human-being is up," Bill said.

"Ah, but it's not that easy, is it?" Pat said, grinning and hopping from one foot to another. "See, when she turned me back, she got turned into the vase. So when you turn her back..."

Bill knew were this was going and growled. "You turn her back then," he said.

Pat gave him a wide smile. It was enough to make a grown man cringe. "I think not," he said.

"What?" Bill demanded. Rani hopped furiously on the table.

"See, I rather like being human," Pat said. "And, well, not a vase, you see? And can you really trust me with a wand?"

Rani stopped hopping. She still couldn't talk.

"Giving this loon a wand wouldn't be wise," Eddy said through the earpiece. "I don't trust him, Billy boy."

Bill sat on one of the golden chairs, wand still pointing at Pat. Rani did not hop anymore, but instead seemed to be very focused on Bill.

"Look here, Pat," Bill said, in the voice he used on his younger siblings when they were caught stealing his secret stash of Chocolate Frogs, "I don't care if you get a hundred flying monkeys to bring you a spell that will turn Rani back. But you will do it, or I will petrify you and leave you to the Chimaera."

"Chimaera?" echoed Pat. "Oh, no, no, that would be most unfortunate. Yes, it would. Let's see. I'm quite sure I could think of something to liberate your friend and make this a win-win situation."

"Good," Bill said. "Excellent thinking."

Pat certainly took his time to come up with an idea. He awed and hrmed and walked in circles around the room. He waved his hand in fancy movements and murmured spells under his breath. He eyed Bill warily and continued pacing.

"You're taking a bit too long," Bill said finally. "And you're wasting my time." He was twirling his wand menacingly and a bit of hope lighted up inside of Rani.

Pat rubbed his hands nervously. "Maybe if I took a walk out in the fresh air..."

Bill got up, looming dangerously over the older man. "Let me tell you how it's going to be," he said. "I'm going to count to three. If you don't offer any ideas, I'm going to show you one of my own."

Pat shot Rani a nervous look.

"One," counted Bill.

Pat tried to make for the door, but Bill stepped in his way.

"Two," Bill continued.

Pat sighed and just slumped to the floor.

"Three," Bill said with a grin. Pointing his wand to Rani, he said, "Compono!"

This time there was no fancy puffs of smoke. But slowly, very slowly, as if Rani were some sort of vase animagus, her form started to appear. On the other hand, Pat was slowly transforming into a vase again.

"Ah, the undoing spell," Rani said appreciatively once she was completely human.

"You know," Bill said, as they ignored Pat's pleas of help (why he could talk and not Rani was beyond them), "if this was a fairytale you'd give me a kiss and call me your prince charming."

"Pity this is more a nightmare than a fairytale then," Rani said grinning. "So, how do we get out of here? I don't fancy another race with the Chimaera."

Bill looked around, hoping a door had suddenly appeared. It had not.

Rani edged dangerously towards Pat. "Ok, you pathetic excuse for inanimate object. How do we move on to the next room?" she demanded, looking like a harpy from hell.

Pat hmphed and hopped away. Bill stood on the other side of the table.

"Really, mate," he said. "You should just tell us."

Rani pointed her wand at him. "I know this nifty spell that melts gold," she said. "Interested?"

"You two are big bullies," Pat snapped. "Fine! See where those two small statues are? Walk towards the space between them. You'll go right through the wall."

"Thank you," Rani chirped. "Let's go, Weasley."

"Hold on," Bill said, grabbing a hold of Pat who started to squirm. "We owe him something, don't we?" And he placed Pat carefully into his satchel.

"This is kidnapping!" Pat threatened. "Kidnapping, and I'm claiming your pretty friend sexually harassed me!"

"Oh, shut up," Bill and Rani snapped as they walked through the wall.

The following room smelled like the jungle had. This could possibly be because the room resembled a jungle. A small stream ran throughout the length of the room and trees crowded the place, reaching until the ceiling.

"Whoever built this should have won an award," Bill muttered to himself.

"Here we go," Rani said, looking at some markings on a tree. "I believe it's map or a code maybe. Eddy, what have you got for us?"

"Give me a sec, babe," Eddy said. "I'll see if I get a translation."

Back at the camp site, Eddy hurriedly typed letters and numbers into his computer. A database of known hieroglyphics scrolled down his screen, but no matches were found. He tried seeing if the hieroglyphics were a mix of various cultures. He even tried Google. Nothing came up.

"Try Chuck Port," Rani finally said when she received the news.

Eddy pulled Chuck's laptop number from Bellamont's database. He typed in the code and secret password ("What's a hotdog without the dog?") into the appropriate fields and waited for Chuck to answer him.

Far away from them, still trudging down the Amazon river, Chuck's laptop started to beep and Summer and Doyle looked at him questioning.

"Probably Bellamont," Chuck said, pulling his laptop out of his bag. Opening and clicking the "respond to call" button, he was not greeted with Bellamont but with Eddy Smith instead.

"Hi, Eddy," Chuck greeted nervously. Had Rani gotten wind they were here?

"Hey, Chucky boy," Eddy said happily. "Sorry to disturb you, but I was wondering if you could check some hieroglyphics for me?"

Chuck looked over at his computer at Doyle who nodded. "Sure, Eddy," Chuck said. "Let me open a connection so you can load it for me."

The opening of the connection took ten second and the loading took an additional twelve. Soon enough the pictures were on Chuck's screen and he looked at them carefully.

"Looks a bit like Ancient New Granadian to me," Chuck said. "Hold on, I should have something to help me." He ran another program on his computer. "Yeah, here it is. Shall I send you the translation or do you just want to hear it?"

"I'll just hear it," answered Eddy.

"Ok, there are trees. Each one with an opening and a lever. Pull the right lever and you get access to the next room. Interesting," Chuck explained. "Ok, there's something else here. Not the sea, not the sun, not the night sky, but do have fun!" Doyle raised an eyebrow. "Looks like a riddle to me," Chuck offered.

"Thanks, Chucky!" Eddy said. "Bye!"

And the connection went off.

*

"Not the sea, not the sun?" repeated Rani.

"Not the night sky, but do have fun?" said Bill, looking confused. "So, the first thing we should do is probably find the levers. Maybe we'll understand this thing better."

The levers were not hard to find. Four out of ten trees carried them inside their trunks and they were all a different colour: blue, black, yellow and green.

"Oh, it's really not that complicated," Rani said, after she had stared at the black lever for a while. "Not the sea, not the sun, not the night sky, but do have fun."

"Is that supposed to make things clearer?" Bill asked. "Because it didn't."

"The colours of the levers!" Rani said excitedly. "Not the sea, that would be the blue lever. Not the sun, that's the yellow. Not the night sky, that would be black."

"But do have fun... so the only colour left would be green," Bill added. "That's the one we pull."

They stared at the green lever as if daring it to cause them any problems. It didn't look exactly threatening, and just like the Chimaera's squares, they could not detect where its magic was focused.

Carefully, Bill pulled the lever, and, unlike recent events, something did happen immediately this time.

Everything became pitch dark and the floor gave away beneath them.