The Fic About Nothing

The Fic About Nothing

"Hey Ginny, I was wondering."

"ALL RIGHT!!! I'm a LESBIAN!!!" screamed Ginny hysterically, jumping off the couch and running to the stairs leading to the girl's dormitories, crying loudly. A shocked and frankly bewildered expression was on Ron's face.

"Well that was weird," Harry said.

"Yeah, really weird," agreed Ron with a shake of his orange mane.

"You mean you guys didn't know," scoffed Hermione.

"Know that she was a lesbian -?"

"- Or that she had lost her marbles?" Harry finished Ron's sentence. Apparently though, Hermione had forgotten the whole thing because she was now standing on a coffee table in front of the fireplace doing a . . .

"Strip dance?"

"Looks like it, Ron. We might as well help her out." And with a wave of Harry's wand, "I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred was magically blaring throughout the Gryffindor Common room.

"Good choice," Ron congratulated Harry as they settled back in the overstuffed chairs to enjoy the show, along with all the other Gryffindor boys. And the less-straight girls. They watched with rapt attention as Hermione tore off her clothes and did some very sexy and provocative pole dancing. All too soon though Hermione was climbing off the table and re clothing her sultry body, to the wild applause and catcalls of her hormone-raging House fellows, all who had very obvious boners bulging in their pants.

"Did you guys enjoy it?" Hermione asked as she trotted over to their seats. It was obvious by her expression and tone that she desperately wanted their approval.

"Immensely." Harry grinned as he tucked a couple Galleons down the front of her low-cut shirt.

"Hermione, you just reminded me of why I decided to be bi instead of totally gay - so I could still enjoy women's bodies, especially one as voluptuous as yours," said Ron with a lingering glance at her amazing boobs.

"Oh, you guys are too good to me," sobbed Hermione as she gave them each a big hug and kiss.

"So anyway Hermione, we decided that we're going to go walk aimlessly around the castle and look for trouble. Want to come?"

"Count me in." The trio was several corridors away when Harry suddenly smacked his forehead.

"I can't believe I forgot it," he said.

"Forgot what?"

"My super-wizard outfit. You know, in case I have to rescue someone from a horrible wizard," Harry replied.

"A horrible wizard? You mean, like Neville, or somebody?" asked Ron with an expression on his face that clearly showed that his cauldron was not very full.

"No Ronald," said Hermione in a tone that said that it was obvious that his cauldron was leaky. "He means like an evil wizard," she continued in a voice barely a whisper, "like Voldemort."

Thump. Ron just died at the very mention of Voldemort.

"It's awfully annoying the way Ron always dies when that name is said," Harry rolled his eyes. "I guess I'd better get his heart going again."

"No, I'll do it."

"What if I wanted to do it?"

"Oh please Harry, why would you want to do it?"

"Why do you want to do it?"

"I don't, but I just thought I'd be nice and volunteer," said Hermione loftily.

"Well I appreciate the offer, but I'll do it."

"Fine."

"Fine."

"Fine." Hermione shrugged her shoulders. Harry unbuttoned Ron's pants and unzipped the fly.

"You know," started Harry as he pulled Ron's pants and underwear down, "I always tell him that this red lacy thong clashes terribly with his hair, and that his black leather ones look a lot better, but does he listen? No." Harry grabbed Ron's dick and turned it. Nothing happened.

"Damn. He won't start."

"Harry, you always forget that you have to pump it first, then you can start him." Hermione sighed.

"Oh, yeah," said Harry, as he proceeded to pump Ron's masculinity up and down several times. This time when he twisted Ron's dick his heart made a whirring noise and then started with a roar.

"Hello," said a slightly dazed Ron. Harry and Hermione each grabbed one of his hands, pulled him up off the cold marble floor, and the threesome proceeded to skip down the corridor, singing a stirring rendition of "Puff the Magic Dragon." Their dreamy song of the joint-smoking dragon ended all too soon however when they spied an unfortunately familiar blond head emerging out of a bathroom ahead.

"Hey Malfoy, have a nice dump?" called Harry with a laugh, as he spied a stray piece of toilet paper stuck to the heel of Draco's shoe.

"Eat my shit, Scarhead; I didn't flush. And that goes for Bugs Bunny and Carrot Top also." Draco sneered.

"Fuck off, Malfoy."

"What did you say Potter?"

"I said Fuck. Off. Malfoy."

"How about you fuck this instead," sneered Draco as he reached into his robes, pulled out twin 45's and opened fire on Harry. Time seemed to move frame-by-frame in slow motion. The bullets could be seen exploding from the gun barrels as if moving through jelly, a spiral of displaced air fanning out behind them. Harry flowed backwards as the bullets missed him by inches, and leaned back farther still as the barrage of bullets was aimed lower and lower, his black robes flying in the air. Finally with his feet still on the ground, his legs bent at the knee, and his torso parallel to the stone floor, he heard the two clicks meaning the guns were out of ammo. Harry stood up just in time to see Hermione, now dressed in shrink wrapped black leather, a wand extended, standing a few feet to the side of Draco.

"Dodge this," Hermione told Malfoy as her stunning spell hit him smack in the head, throwing his body through the air, finally landing ten feet down the hall in front of a suit of armor.

"Wow, Harry," said Ron, looking at him in disbelief, as if he'd never seen him before. "You really are the One."

"As if saving the Sorceror's Stone, killing a basilisk, rescuing Sirius, fighting a dragon, breaking into the Department of Mysteries, and not to mention being Teen Witch's Sexiest Sorceror this year was enough to convince you, Ronald," asked an amazed Hermione, as they continued on their way past the dazed Malfoy.

"I guess not."

"Well, I'm really horny now," announced Harry suddenly. A look at the bulge in the front of his pants made Hermione agree with him.

"Wanna shag?" asked Harry. Hermione plunged her hands down his pants and pulled out his large erect penis for an answer.

"Merlin!" Hermione sighed, "I can just never get over how huge your dick is, it's so much bigger than Ron's. Oh Harry, could we please use the leather and whips? And the handcuffs?" she pleaded.

"Not today dear," Harry answered as he pushed her on the ground. "And no chains either." She raised her skirt and he started to feed. The moans, screams, gasps, and spanking were making a very randy Ron, so he decided to take care of things himself. Now being very flexible, he was soon giving himself a blowjob, with only one eventual problem.

"Aaucchh! Phhpptht!" These and other retching sounds made Harry and Hermione temporarily stop their fucking to glance in Ron's direction, or more precisely at what was coming out of Ron's dick.

"Cranberry sauce!" laughed Harry incredibly with tears in his eyes. "Instead of sperm you ejaculated cranberry sauce?!" he said, quite beside himself with laughter.

"Shut up!" roared an outraged Ron.

"Well, there's only one thing to do," said Hermione. Harry suppressed his laughter long enough to agree with her.

"Harry, if you'd be good enough to pull out your wand. No, no, no," said Hermione as she shoved Harry's penis back into her. "I meant that wand." Hermione pointed at his wand lying on the ground beside them.

"Aah."

As she leveled his wand at Ron, he made a mad scramble to cover his dick, but Hermione's "scourgify" hit him before he managed to.

"Merlin's nuts, Hermione!" screeched a very pissed Ron, his face a deep red. "Why don't you tell me what you are going to do before you cast a spell at Destroyer! For all I knew you could have been giving me a vasectomy!"

"Destroyer?!" giggled Hermione.

"It's a lot better than what you named your jugs. Strawberry and Selena?"

"Why do I hang out with you guys?" Harry asked himself.

"You know what we should do now?"

"Go for a walk in the Forbidden Forest?" inquired Harry.

"That's exactly what I was thinking," agreed Ron. The trio was immediately in the Forest.

"I wonder how we got here so fast?"

"Well, time flies when you're having fun, Hermione."

"Look!" squealed Ron. "A cute little fuzzy pink bunny!"

"It's not that cute."

"What is it with Ron and fuzzy bunnies, especially pink ones?" asked Hermione.

"It's not the bunny itself, Hermione," explained Harry. "It's that bunnies in general make Ron think of the Playboy bunny. It's the only kind of action he gets."

"Wait a minute," burst Ron indignantly. "That is not the only action I get. Didn't you see me and that Nicole Dumass snogging under the staircase after Potions yesterday?"

"Dumbass?" asked a perplexed Harry.

"Do-moss," Ron explained, trying to keep his temper under control, and not succeeding very well.

"That hairy thing was a girl?"

"Of course that was, Hermione! What did you think it was!?"

"An it."

"I can't believe this, just because she's European, you guys think -"

"Ronald," Hermione cut him off, "We live in the UK. We're all European."

"Oh, yeah. I guess you're right."

"Oh my God," gasped Harry, clutching his stomach, which was not bulging out above his pants. "I think I'm having contractions."

"Oh my gosh, this is awful!" exclaimed Hermione. "I told you to stop masturbating so much Harry, I told you, but no, you wouldn't listen, you just kept masturbating and wanking and jerking and jacking and spanking your monkey; and now look at you, you've gone and gotten yourself pregnant! What's going to happen when the Professors find out? Huh? What're you -"

"Oh, wake up and smell the fart Hermione," Ron cut off her tirade. "Harry's a guy; he can't possibly be pregnant, much less actually giving birth!"

"Oh God," Harry moaned, all hunched over and still hanging onto his stomach. He pushed his pants and boxers down to his ankles, turned around and bent over, giving Ron and Hermione a very close up view of his lightly furred buttocks. "Can you see anything?"

"Eww, Harry, you really need to wipe better."

"Oh shut up Hermione. I think I can see a head maybe," Ron told Harry.

"I think so too," agreed Hermione, now joining Ron to stare at Harry's bunghole. "Yes! It's coming Harry. Push! Deep breathing, whew, whew! That's it Harry" they coached.

"Push! Harder," they yelled.

"Auggh," Harry screamed painfully as he pushed with all his might. And out of his anus flew a Phoenix, which flew onto a nearby tree branch.

"Whoa," said Harry as he straightened up. "He's beautiful."

"Yeah," said Ron breathlessly.

"He's the most pretty Phoenix I've ever seen," declared Hermione. The sun setting behind the mountain cast an amazing pink hue on this beautiful scene. As the trio stare at the gorgeous Phoenix with adoration dancing on their faces, Harry, still with his pride hanging out for all to see, and with tears in his eyes, announces to Ron and Hermione, both with afterbirth gracing their robes, "I'm going to name him Fawkes II."

The End