The Wounded

The Wounded

Chapter 15

Lupin sat up in his hospital bed, blinking sleepily. The sunlight through the windows had the haziness of late afternoon, and cast long shadows on the floor. He looked over at the bed next to his, and his stomach lurched as he saw it was empty. He breathed a sigh of relief as he saw Sev-the-Dog padding unsteadily up the aisle. Harry walked behind him.

Sev-the-Dog glanced back at Harry, annoyed, then climbed back into the bed and curled up, laying his head on the pillow.

Harry sat down in the chair between them. He looked much better than he had that morning; he'd certainly had a wash and a change of clothes. His face was still pale and drawn, but his body did not have the same tension, nor his face the same anguish, and the light in his eyes was back.

"Never saw a dog that used the toilet before," Harry said, as he shifted into a comfortable position in the chair.

"Er, yes," Lupin said. "He's a very unusual dog."

"I saw Hermione and Ron today," Harry said, with a little smile. "They're both awake, and Madame Pomfrey says they should be fully recovered in just a few days."

Lupin smiled back at Harry. "I'm very glad to hear it."

"She says you're doing much better than expected, too," Harry said. "She says you may be the first werewolf to develop an immunity to silver."

"I do seem to be recovering much faster than before," Lupin said. "It'd be ironic if Bellatrix wound up doing me a favor."

Harry's eyes closed for a moment. There was such relief on his face, he looked almost joyful compared to the way he'd seemed just that morning.

Madame Pomfrey came up to them. "Potion time," she said, shaking up a bottle in her hand, then pouring a measure into a cup and handing it to Lupin. She turned to Harry. "I have this for him, too," she said, nodding at the dog, and holding up what looked like a bread ball. "The medicine is inside."

"I'll feed it to him," Harry said, taking it from her. Madame Pomfrey shot an arched glance at Lupin, then gave the bread ball to Harry.

Harry sat on the bed and held the bread ball in front of Sev-the-Dog's face. "Come on, boy," he said, and he pressed the thing against the dog's nose.

Sev-the-Dog pulled his head back indignantly and looked over at Lupin.

"It's all right," Lupin said. "You need to eat that, it's good for you."

The dog glared, then he reached down, and with great dignity, took the bread ball from Harry's hand into his mouth.

Harry smiled and patted the dog on the head. "Good dog," he said. Sev-the-Dog stiffened.

Harry shook his head. "He's still scared of me," he said. "Like he thinks I'm going to hit him, even when I'm being nice to him."

"I think that is what he expects," Lupin said, carefully. "It must have been how he was treated, wherever he was before."

"I guess he must have always expected to be hurt, no matter what," Harry said. "He wasn't with the Malfoys, was he? Although Dobby would have told me if he was."

I suppose Severus was with the Malfoys, for a time, but not in the way Harry means, Lupin thought. "You've made tremendous progress with him," he said, "in just one night."

"Only because he was too hurt to run away from me, or bite me," Harry said.

"It worked, though," Lupin said. "And he was much worse with you than anyone, it was going to take something extreme, or a lot of time, for him to accept you."

"Because someone like me was cruel to him." Harry kept rubbing the dog's ears. Sev-the-Dog did not relax and Lupin noticed he kept a little distance between them. But he wasn't pulling away, either. It feels good, doesn't it, thought Lupin. I should know.

"What's going to happen to him?" Harry said. "Once you've finished his training, or whatever it is you're doing with him."

Lupin paused. "He has a place to go to, after this," he said.

"He's got a family, a home, waiting for him?" Harry said.

"Something like that," Lupin said.

Harry frowned, but didn't answer. Sev-the-Dog shifted in the bed, as Harry kept rubbing his ears. Was there less tension now, in his muscles? And were his eyes starting to close?

"I've been thinking," Harry said, "about what you said this morning."

Lupin cocked his head at Harry.

"I talked about it, a bit, with Hermione, today," Harry said. "She says, as long as I keep hating Snape, he'll have a hold on me. And that I won't be able to put anything behind me."

"Yes," Lupin said.

Harry took a breath and frowned. "She also says that I'll be just like Snape, if I keep hating him. The way he keeps hating my father, and me."

Lupin nodded. "What do you think?"

Harry sat very still. "I think she's right." He concentrated for a moment on the dog, twisting the long hair in his fingers. Sev-the-dog sighed, and his eyes closed completely. "He's stuck, isn't he?" Harry said. "As long as he keeps hating me, hating my father, he'll stay exactly as he is."

Lupin nodded. "Yes. Although it's more complicated with him. More difficult. Because he hates himself, and cannot forgive himself." He frowned, feeling as if he'd betrayed Severus by saying this.

"Part of me wants to say it's his own fault, he brought it on himself," Harry said. "You know, when you said he was going mad, having to go to Voldemort. He chose to become a Death Eater. How can anyone forgive that?" Harry stared at the floor. "But I know it's not that simple."

Then Harry looked back up at Lupin. "I don't want to think that, you know. I'd be happy to continue to hate him, and blame him. For all the ugly, petty things he's done to me, to my friends. For just being himself. I know exactly what my father meant when he said it was easy to hate him, just for existing."

Lupin bowed his head.

"But I know that's wrong," Harry said. "If I keep it up, I'm just as bad as Snape is. Because I do understand why he hated my father." He grimaced. "I know that he's saved my life. More than once. And all I've ever felt is resentment. But that's how he felt, isn't it? When my father saved his life? It just made him hate my father even more."

Lupin nodded. "Yes."

Harry smiled crookedly again. "Pretty scary thing, isn't it? Realizing that I'm just like Snape, in some ways." He nodded. "Well, I've decided. I won't make the same mistakes he's made, and I won't be like him. I won't let myself get so locked in hatred the way I have in the past." He shrugged. "I'm not saying I forgive him, exactly, he's been nasty to me since he first met me. And I know that it wasn't all showing up to Draco, either, not the way Snape was with me. I know he hates me. I just want to get to where I don't hate him back."

"So what do you think?" Lupin said.

Harry took a deep breath. "I don't like him. I think he's a greasy git," he said. "I think there must have been something awful in him to make him become a Death Eater." He took another deep breath. "But I also think he must have had a pretty horrible life that made him that way. And I know he's tried to do right, since then, as well as he can." Harry looked at the floor. "And I do know what it is, to be picked on, and bullied, and to have no friends. How miserable I was, before I came to Hogwarts. That was a miracle for me, but I can imagine why it was a curse for him."

Lupin nodded again.

"I never thanked him," Harry said, "for all those times he's put himself in danger for me. Saved my life, or tried to. I do owe him that. A thank you."

"He probably wouldn't take it well, if you did," Lupin said. "Not the way he is now, anyway. Maybe someday. When he's ready to hear it. I hope someday he will be able to." He shrugged. "But, as you say, he's had a very horrible life, and it's scarred him deeply. It's a lot harder to recover from wounds of the spirit than wounds of the body."

Harry looked at the dog and nodded. "I hope he does recover." He looked at Lupin and grinned. "There, see - and I meant it, too. It's not like I'll ever see him much again. I can afford to be generous."

Lupin shrugged and smiled back.

-

-

-

Lupin woke to the sound of toenails clattering against the floor. He cracked his eyes open.

It was late morning, he could tell from the light without even looking at the clock. Madame Pomfrey had awakened him earlier, with a potion dose and some breakfast, but he'd fallen asleep afterwards.

As his sight cleared, he could make out the other beds in the ward. And there was Sev-the-Dog, pacing restlessly up and down the aisle. Well, thought Lupin, Madame Pomfrey did say he would be up long before I was.

He shifted up in the pillows. Sev-the-Dog saw him and immediately came over to the side of the bed, his head was just higher than Lupin's. Lupin smiled at him. "Good morning," he said.

Sev-the-Dog leaned over, Lupin felt his cold nose on his cheek and he smiled. "Yes, I'm doing better," he said. "Thank you."

"Oh, you're awake now," Harry's voice came across the ward. "Madame Pomfrey said I was to give this to you when you woke up." Harry had a cup in his hand. He reached the bed and handed the cup to Lupin. Lupin looked at it dubiously, sighed, and swallowed it as quickly as possible. Not too bad, he thought.

"So, you're feeling better?" Harry asked.

Lupin nodded. "Yes, I think I am. Maybe Poppy will let me out of this bed for a few minutes today."

Harry smiled. "I'm glad to hear it."

Lupin nodded at Sev-the-Dog. "He, on the other hand, looks almost well, and is ready to get out of here."

"He won't leave you," Harry said.

Lupin thought for a moment, looking at Sev-the-Dog. He lifted a hand to cup the dog's chin, and stared into the dog's black eyes. "Would you go outside with Harry for a while?"

Sev-the-Dog pulled back, just a fraction of an inch.

"I'll be fine, I'll just be sleeping here, and you need to stretch your legs. Just for a little while." Lupin looked up at Harry.

Harry knelt down by the dog. "Come on, boy, come on out with me. We won't be long, I promise." He put his hand on the dog's neck.

Sev-the-Dog looked at Harry, then back at Lupin.

Harry stood up and took a step down the aisle toward the door. "Come on, boy."

"Go on," Lupin said.

Sev-the-Dog gave him a last look, then turned and followed Harry out of the room.

It was over an hour before they came back. Madame Pomfrey was just bringing over a lunch tray for Lupin when Harry came back inside the room. Sev-the-Dog padded behind him.

Sev-the-Dog did not climb back into his own bed. Instead, he jumped up onto Lupin's bed and lay down at his feet. He eyed the contents of Lupin's lunch tray with interest.

Madame Pomfrey smiled. "I'll get one of the House Elves to bring in something for you, if you like," she said to Harry.

"Yes, please," Harry said, as he sat down in the chair. "Go on and start, Professor, I can wait."

"Any problems?" Lupin asked, as he picked up a mug of soup, handing a piece of bread to Sev-the-Dog.

"No, he was fine," Harry said. "He still doesn't want to play much, but he likes running. Mostly we just walked around together."

"I guess he's more of a working dog, not a playing dog."

"Yeah, he's a good guard dog," Harry said. "I definitely felt like he was on the watch the whole time." He smiled at the dog, then looked back at Lupin. "Did you ever give him a name?"

Lupin started. "No, I, um, never did."

"He needs a name. I needed something to call him, outside."

"I guess I thought, well, maybe he'll get a name when he goes on. To his new home," Lupin said. Although the truth is that you already have a name, he thought, and I didn't want to give you another one.

"Well, I'm going to call him 'Shadow,'" Harry said. He looked at the dog, "Would you like that? Huh, Shadow?"

Sev-the-Dog looked back at Harry, black eyes unreadable.

"Also," Harry said, "I wanted to know. You said, he's going on, to a new place."

"Yes," Lupin said.

"Could I take him instead?"

"Um," Lupin said - Quick! Think of something! "He's already spoken for."

"By someone who isn't even helping him now?" Harry said.

"It's, it's not in my hands, Harry," Lupin said. "That's all I can say for now."

Harry sat back, but Lupin could tell he wasn't convinced. I'll have to think of some story, he thought. I'll have to lie.

A House Elf arrived that moment with a tray and left it suspended in the air beside Harry. Harry picked up a sandwich and broke off a big piece.

"Here, Shadow," he said, holding the food out to the dog.

Sev-the-Dog considered the offering, then bent his head and took it into his mouth.

"Good dog," Harry said, patting the dog on the head.

Harry leaned back in his chair again, but he didn't pick up his sandwich. He frowned, as if thinking about something. Lupin waited.

"Outside," Harry said, "I overheard Blaise and some of the other Slytherins talking."

Lupin looked back at Harry.

Harry was now staring down at his tray. "So where is he? Snape, I mean."

"He's gone from Hogwarts," Lupin said. "I don't think he ever intends to come back."

"But do you know where he's gone?" Harry looked directly at Lupin. "Blaise and the others, they were worried about him. That he might not be coming back, ever. Anywhere." His eyes bored into Lupin's.

"He's safe," Lupin said. "For now." He had to force his eyes not to look at the dog.

Harry still looked at Lupin. "So, what? He's in the loony bin at St. Mungo's?"

"NO." Lupin said the word too forcefully. "No," he said again, more quietly. "What makes you think he'd be there?"

"The way the Slytherins were talking," Harry said. "And I realized, I could see it happening. Let's face it, it's not like he's got much of a life, is it? He's not happy, and no one likes him. The Slytherins support him, but he's not friends with them. The only friend he has is you."

Lupin closed his eyes; Harry's words were painfully close to Severus's own, that last day.

"As I said, Harry," Lupin said, "he is safe. But as you say, he is not happy. He has been through too much. Too many things have happened to him to make him the way he is."

"Yeah," Harry said. He scooted his chair over to the end of Lupin's bed. The lunch tray followed him over as if it were on a tether. Harry began to rub Sev-the-Dog's ears again. This time, the dog did not tense up, but allowed it. "Yeah," Harry said again. "It's not so easy to re-train a person, is it? Not like this dog, here."

"No," Lupin said.

Harry looked at the dog. Sev-the-Dog returned his look directly, the black eyes meeting Harry's green ones. No glare, no sign of annoyance.

"They're a lot alike, aren't they," Harry said, slowly. "Snape, and the dog."

"Er, yes," Lupin said, caught off guard. "Very much so."

"Bad tempered, and they snap and growl at everyone."

"Yes." Lupin felt himself draw back into the pillows.

Harry looked at the dog. "That's because you're afraid, though, isn't it, Shadow," he said, rubbing the dog's head. Sev-the-Dog cocked his head at Harry. "Is Snape afraid?" Harry asked. "Is that what it is?"

Lupin hesitated. "I think," he said, "Severus spent a great deal of his life in fear, yes. Certainly these past few years, with Voldemort back. Knowing that at any time, he might be exposed."

"That's not what I meant," Harry said. "I'm not saying that wasn't hard for him, spying on Voldemort. I can see why that would send anyone over. But . . ." He looked at the dog. "It's like, with him -" he nodded at Sev-the-Dog "- he's frightened of everyone, because he's afraid he's going to be hurt. So it's like you said, he snarls first."

"Yes," Lupin said.

Harry nodded. "Snape snarls first, too, doesn't he. And it's not got anything to do with Voldemort, it's older. From back when you were all in school together, or even before that. He expects everyone to dislike him, so he snarls first." Harry shrugged. "So no one likes him." He caught Sev-the-Dog by the chin and looked into his face. "And no one likes you, either. Which is really dumb of you."

Sev-the-Dog stared haughtily back at Harry.

Harry looked into the dog's eyes. "And both of you are afraid of someone who is like me." He said it very slowly, and his hand let go of the dog’s chin, and fell into his lap. Harry continued to stare at the dog.

"Um, by the way, I've got an extra biscuit here, and I really don't want it, do you?" Lupin found himself babbling, as he picked up a cookie off his tray and held it out.

Harry took it mechanically. He broke it in half and held out part for the dog, who took it from his hand.

"Good dog," Harry said. "You're a good dog. Only you mustn't snarl at people."

Sev-the-Dog swallowed, and held his head up aloofly. Not like a subservient with a master, Lupin thought. More the way Severus was with him, Lupin, with a friend. I knew Harry wouldn't let you treat him like a master, he thought.

Harry still looked at the dog. Then he lifted up his hand, and held the dog's chin again, so that they looked into each other's eyes again.

"You were very brave, you saved everyone's life, the other night," Harry said. "You've saved my life. You've always been guarding me. And I'm grateful. I haven't told you, and I should have."

Lupin caught his breath.

Harry looked back at Lupin for just a moment, but Lupin couldn't read anything in his eyes.

Then Harry smiled, and bit into his piece of biscuit. "I'll take him -" a nod at the dog "- out again this afternoon. When you're ready to take another nap."

"Yes," Lupin said, not knowing what to think. "Yes, that'll be fine."

TBC