The Wounded

The Wounded

Chapter 14

Lupin slowly became aware. He knew where he was by the smell. The hospital ward at Hogwarts. Not again, he thought. I'm tired of being here.

And then he remembered, and panic hit.

"Quiet, Remus, quiet," a voice beside him said, and he felt a hand on his shoulder, pressing down. "Everyone's all right." Whose voice? Severus? But no, that was last time, when he was in the hospital before, and Severus had cared for him. No, not Severus's voice, nothing like Severus's voice, but still very familiar.

He cracked his eyes open. The world was fuzzy for a moment, then shapes began to come together, and he saw Madame Pomfrey's face close to his, smiling gently. He saw concern there, but she wouldn't be smiling like that if things were seriously wrong. He tried to smile back.

"It's all right now, Remus," she said. "You were all hurt, last night, but Dumbledore got everyone here in time. Harry is fine, Ron and Hermione were hurt, but they're both at home now. You were hurt the worst, but you're going to be all right. Although you'll have to spend some time in hospital again."

"And Severus?" Lupin managed to gasp out.

"He was hurt, too," she said, "but he'll be up before you will." She cocked an eyebrow. "In fact, there's something you should see."

She reached under his shoulders and raised him up. Lupin could see a little better now. The hospital ward was dark, but not the dark of night, more the deep grays of very early morning. It was dawn, or near dawn, and soft light shone through the windows. Madame Pomfrey moved back, keeping her arm under his shoulder, giving him a full view of the bed next to his.

There lay Sev-the-Dog, legs curled under him. And beside him, hugging the dog close, head against the dog's neck, lay Harry. Both were sound asleep.

Lupin's eyes went wide, and his mouth dropped open.

"I found them like that when I came in this morning," said Madame Pomfrey.

She laid Lupin's head back down on the pillow. "I'll get your potion ready now. It won't be Severus's handiwork, but it'll do."

Lupin lay staring at the two of them in the next bed. Neither of them were smiling. Harry's face, even in sleep, had a look almost of desperation, clinging to the dog.

And Sev-the-Dog, what did he see there? The dog's body was tense, even while sleeping, and in the long face, the thin limbs, there was no sign of joy, or acceptance, or contentment. No, Lupin thought, what I see there is defeat.

And then a wild thought hit him. How could we ever have thought you were a cat, Severus? Cats are independent, they recognize no superior. No, it is a dog who seeks a master.

He looked at the dog, lying tense on the bed. You fight it, but it's your nature, isn't it. You've served masters all your life. Dumbledore, Voldemort before him, who before that? Lucius? Your parents? Dominate, or be dominated, that's all you know. You try to be the dominator, but you aren't very good at it, your heart's not in it. You can frighten your students, for a while, but it doesn't last. They grow up, they figure you out. Even Neville isn't afraid of you anymore. Poor Severus, Lupin thought. You are an anachronism, my friend. The times that produced the likes of you, the days of the old aristocratic lords, they're long gone. We don't recognize them anymore.

Then he turned his eyes back to Harry's face, pressed against the black dog's neck. He's just a dog to Harry, and a dog is wonderful to have around when you're unhappy, I've found that out these past few weeks. Harry won't be your master, Severus. Can you learn not to need one?

Lupin closed his eyes. I don't know whether to be happy or sad, he thought. It's more than I can handle now. We're alive, I will be happy for that much. The rest will have to wait.

-

-

-

Lupin woke again to the warmth of sunlight on his face. He opened his eyes and looked at the clock on the wall opposite. It was late morning. He turned his head to look beside him.

Harry was in the chair between the beds, legs drawn up, arms hugging his knees. His eyes were open, but he stared blankly, not focusing. Beyond Harry, Lupin could see Sev-the-Dog lying still in the bed, curled up, asleep.

Lupin shifted in the bed, trying to sit up, and Harry started.

"Professor Lupin!" Harry said, and he almost jumped over to Lupin's side, reaching out to pull up the pillows and place them behind Lupin's shoulders.

Lupin smiled. "Thank you, Harry." He rested back on the pillows and grinned crookedly. "I can't seem to stay out of this place."

Harry didn't smile back. His green eyes were anguished, and his face was pale and drawn. He sat back in the chair.

"Were you hurt?" Lupin said. "Madame Pomfrey told me Ron and Hermione were back at home, recuperating, and you looked all right, but I couldn't really see."

Harry shrugged. "No, I'm fine. Not a scratch on me."

"I'm glad," Lupin said.

"Yeah," Harry said, in a low voice. "Can't have the great Harry Potter getting hurt, can we? Everybody else can get hurt, but I've got to be kept safe."

"That's not true anymore, Harry," Lupin said. "And you were very brave, and very clever, last night. We'd all be dead if not for you."

Harry shrugged again. "You wouldn't have been in danger in the first place if it weren't for me."

"I think Bellatrix was after all of us," Lupin said. "You were just at the top of her list."

Harry stared intently at his shoes. He looked as if he were about to say something, then he closed his mouth fiercely. Lupin watched.

Finally, Harry took a deep breath and said, "I want this to be over. Why can't it be over?"

"Bellatrix is supposed to be the last of them."

Harry slumped lower in his chair. "I keep waiting for the day when I can be just an ordinary person. Not HARRY POTTER, not the child of prophesy, slayer of Voldemort and all that rot. To just be me, just regular Harry."

Lupin looked sadly at Harry. "I wish I could say it will happen, in time, but I can't, Harry. You've done things now. You took the role that was forced on you, and you've filled it better than anyone could hope. And, unfortunately for you, everyone knows it."

Harry continued to stare at his shoes. His mouth twisted, as if he were eating something bitter. "Did I?" he said. "Did I really fill that role so well?" He looked at Lupin. "How many people were hurt because of me, because of my mistakes? How many people are dead?"

"This was a war, Harry," Lupin said. "People were going to be hurt, and people were going to die. People died long before you were even born."

Harry was still looking at his shoes and his face didn't change.

"That was the situation we were in, Harry. People were going to die, we all knew this. And no one could be perfect, no one could know everything." Lupin shrugged. "Most of the time, for most people, the consequences of our mistakes are trivial. But not here."

Harry glared at his shoes and did not answer.

"The only way to avoid it would have been to run away," Lupin said. "You could have done that. But you didn't."

Harry shrugged. "Of course I didn't. I couldn't."

"No, you couldn't," Lupin said. "I'm not saying you should look at each loss as an unavoidable statistic. And I'm not saying you shouldn't examine what happened, each time, not because that will change the past, but so you don't make the same mistakes again."

Harry still stared at his shoes, but he wasn't glaring now.

"And you should grieve," Lupin went on. "Now we have time to grieve. For everyone we've lost." He glanced at Harry again, "Although I think, for you and I, there is one person in particular, who we both lost."

Harry closed his eyes. His face looked paler than before. "Sirius," he said, in a whisper.

Lupin closed his eyes, too, and felt the ache in his heart. The two years that had passed had not dulled the loss he felt. "Yes, Sirius," he said softly.

Harry's face crumpled for a moment, as if he were going to sob, but there was no sound. "It's my fault," he said hoarsely. "Just like Hermione said, it's my fault, if I had just done what I was supposed to do . . ."

"It wasn't your fault, Harry," Lupin said. "And Hermione doesn't think so, either, she was just angry at you, she told me."

Harry looked at Lupin sharply, he didn't say anything, but there was such anger, and such agony, in those green eyes that Lupin started.

"There were so many things that happened, if we'd changed any one of them, that day wouldn't have happened," Lupin said. "I have to share some of the blame myself. For a lot of things. And I know Dumbledore blames himself, more than he should."

"And there's Snape," Harry said darkly.

"Severus was clinging to sanity with his fingernails," Lupin said. "He was doing the best he could. I honestly don't know how he managed as well as he did."

Harry glared at him.

"And Sirius drove the two of you further apart. And I didn't stop him," Lupin said. "As usual."

"Sirius was going mad in that house," Harry said. "And Snape goaded him every chance he could."

"Yes," Lupin said. "And Sirius didn't give Severus any cause not to. And Severus was going mad, too, living as he was. There was too much damage, in both of them, by that point." Lupin closed his eyes. "If Sirius hadn't spent those years in Azkaban . . ."

Lupin felt a sob of his own, deep inside him, and he winced, falling back deeper into the pillows. He looked at Harry. "If Sirius had only told me, all those years ago. I'd have believed him." Lupin sighed. "Not that there would have been anything I could do, of course," he said, bitterly. "Helpless werewolf that I am. But I would have believed him." He took a deep breath. "And Dumbledore would have believed me. And Dumbledore could have done something."

"Why didn't he tell you?" Harry said.

Lupin shook his head. "I don't know. I should have gone to him, Dumbledore could have gotten me in to him. But I was so sure he was guilty, we all were. James dead. Lily dead. Peter, or so we all thought. I didn't want to see him, I couldn't bear even thinking about him."

Lupin's head sank down to his chest. "So there's my running away. And I did run. My whole life was turned upside down that night. I lost everything. Spent a useless twelve years, until Dumbledore found me, and offered me the teaching position at Hogwarts." He looked at Harry. "I was supposed to guard you from Sirius, you know."

"Why didn't Dumbledore talk to Sirius?" Harry said.

"Why didn't Sirius talk to Dumbledore?" Lupin said. "I know Dumbledore must have given him the chance." Lupin shook his head. "Sirius must have been so certain that it was useless, that not even Dumbledore would have believed him." He closed his eyes. "Sirius would have talked to me, though. He would have talked to me."

Lupin could feel Harry's eyes on him, and he turned to meet them. "So you see, Harry, we all have mistakes, and things we should have done, but didn't do. With terrible consequences."

"It wasn't your fault," Harry said. "Sirius should have talked to someone."

"Yes, he should have," Lupin said, surprised at the anger that sounded in his voice. "Choosing to rot in Azkaban rather than say anything, knowing that Peter was loose."

"But he got out of there, as soon as he knew where Pettigrew was," Harry said, quickly.

"Yes. How like him, to take it on himself, a lone vendetta. Probably didn't have any plan in his head other than killing Peter, for all the good that would have done." Lupin shook his head again. "He must have been so certain that none of us would believe him, that we were all so convinced he was a Death Eater. And we were, it was very easy to believe he'd gone over. There was always such a streak of darkness in him."

Harry frowned.

"You saw," Lupin said. "Snape's memory in the Pensieve; I honestly don't know why he chose to remove just that one, there were so many others like it. I've thought it might be because of what he called your mother . . . I've never asked him about it." Lupin shook his head. "But you saw Sirius, that cruelty in him. I don't think James would have been half as bad as he was, without Sirius egging him on."

"He wasn't cruel, not the man I knew," Harry said.

"Not the man, no," Lupin said, "Not even the boy, most of the time. But even you saw the anger."

Harry did not answer.

"I've always wondered, back when we were boys, when Sirius sent Severus to find me, at the Shrieking Shack," Lupin said. "Sirius should have been expelled for that, you know. I've tried to think that maybe he'd forgotten just how dangerous I was, he and the others had been roaming with me at night long enough by then. But no, he knew. Maybe he thought Severus would be better at defending himself. I've tried to make excuse after excuse for him, but I can't. He knew, and he sent Severus after me, and Severus and James barely escaped with their lives.

"But Dumbledore didn't expel him. He was even lenient with him, given what he'd done. I think Dumbledore was worried for my sake, not just that Sirius was my friend, but that my own secret must be kept. But I've always wondered . . ." Lupin took a deep breath, "I've always wondered if Dumbledore was worried that, if Sirius were expelled, that he might turn to Voldemort, like his brother did. We were sixteen then, it was all over the school, just like it was these past few years at Hogwarts. If Sirius were to lose us, his friends, and return to his family . . ." Lupin shrugged. "Instead, we lost Severus. I'm sure that night had a part in driving him over - nearly getting murdered, and being treated like an afterthought, as if he didn't matter. He even got detention, you know." Merlin, Lupin thought. Was that what Dumbledore meant, leaving Severus alone, not intervening for him when he should have?

Harry frowned, and was quiet for a moment. Then he looked at Lupin. "Why did he, Snape, why did he try to follow you, that night?"

"I don't know," Lupin said, glancing over at the dog despite himself. "I've never asked him. And he never told on me, my secret. He kept it for years, even as a Death Eater. Not until my year teaching at Hogwarts, after that night, back at the Shrieking Shack, when Sirius came back."

Harry made a sneering face.

"Severus has apologized to me since," Lupin said, again glancing at the still form of the dog. "It wasn't easy for him, but he did. That night sent him over the edge, I think." He grinned wryly. "Having me back at the school all year didn't help either. He was so certain Sirius and I both were Death Eaters. And we were so certain he was. Even as he tried to save you that night."

"I wasn't in any danger," Harry said.

"But he didn't know that," Lupin said. "And you were in danger. Not from Sirius, of course. But you were in danger from Peter. And you were in danger from me - not because I was a Death Eater, as Severus thought, but because I was a werewolf, on the night of the full moon, and I had been so careless as to forget to drink my potion." Lupin shook his head. "I wonder what it must have been like for Severus, seeing our names, Sirius and me, on the map, at the Shrieking Shack that night? What nightmares that must have brought back."

Harry was frowning again.

Lupin sighed. "Just because you see someone's flaws, or are even angry with them, doesn't mean you love them any less. Or that you are betraying them. Sirius was a great man, but he was deeply flawed."

"He couldn't help it!" Harry said, "With that family of his, that house - "

"I agree," Lupin said. "That home he came from was a nightmare. I remember how he was, first year. If he hadn't been in Gryffindor, I think he and James would have hated each other. It was a near thing even with us all in the same room together. He had great reason to be the way he was. But that doesn't mean he was right. At least about some things."

Harry continued to frown.

"He was human, Harry," Lupin said. "We are all flawed. He, I, Severus - if what Sirius came from was a nightmare, I don't think I have a word to describe what Severus came from, from what little I know."

Harry still did not say anything.

"Don't make the same mistakes we've made, Harry," Lupin said. "Don't continue to fight stupid battles just because we did. Sirius would be the first person to say that."

But Harry had turned away and was stroking the dog's head. Sev-the-Dog tensed up, and the one eye Lupin could see slitted open.

Well, thought Lupin, that was probably enough for now. I'll let it go, we'll just have to see if anything I've said has taken.

There was a noise at the other end of the hospital ward. Lupin looked up to see Madame Pomfrey approaching, two trays floating on either side. "You both need some food in you," she said. "And Harry, there's enough for you, too, if you're hungry."

One tray settled beside Lupin, the other hovered beside the bed with Sev-the-Dog. Madame Pomfrey settled herself on that bed, but Harry stood up.

"I can feed him," he said.

Madame Pomfrey glanced at Lupin, who nodded. "Very well, then," she said. "It'd be a help to me, I've got enough else to do."

She stood up and left them. Harry sat down on the bed with the dog.

"He probably needs to be spoon fed," Lupin said. "But he'll try and make you do it even when he's capable of eating on his own."

Harry smiled. He picked up a spoon from the tray and dipped something from one of the bowls there. He held it in front of the dog's face.

Sev-the-Dog was shaking. The black eyes flicked at Lupin, and Lupin nodded. "Go on, it's all right," he said. "I can't feed you now."

Sev-the-Dog shut his eyes, and, still quivering, he reached and took the bowl of the spoon into his mouth.

"Good dog," Harry said, his voice gentle. He patted the dog's head with his other hand, while he got another spoonful of food.

Sev-the-Dog shifted, pulling his legs under him to move along the bed. Very slowly, he laid his head in Harry's lap.

"Good dog," Harry crooned again, as he spooned another mouthful of food into the dog's mouth, stroking the bony head.

Lupin smiled, then turned his attention to the food on the tray in front of him.

TBC