The Wounded

The Wounded

Chapter 11

Lupin eyes blinked and cracked open. It was morning. He sighed and stretched under the blankets, and then his brows furrowed. He reached out with his hand.

The dog was not there. Lupin felt around with his hand, and with his feet, but the other half of the bed was empty.

In the bathroom perhaps? Lupin slid out of the bed and padded over to the door, but when he looked inside, the dog was not there, either.

The sitting room, then. He looked. The sofa was empty and as his eyes traveled around the room, he saw with a start that the hallway door was open. He rushed to the door and looked out, but the hallway was empty.

He froze in panic. Who knew how early the dog had left, he could be anywhere, even off the Hogwarts grounds by now.

Then Lupin remembered the mirror. He hadn’t used it since that morning, five days ago, when he’d tracked Severus to the mountain. He dashed to his bedside table, pulled the mirror out of the drawer and peered into it.

He saw the bushes and shrubs that lined the walls by the Hogwarts gate. After a moment, he was able to make out the dog, slinking in the shadows under the bushes. The dog was staring intently forward, that familiar, hostile look in his eyes. Lupin sighed. I know what he’s looking at, he thought, and willed the mirror view to turn.

And sure enough, he saw Harry, walking along the pathway to the gate. He’s going to meet Ron, Lupin thought. Is this Ron’s last full day? Ron would be sure to come early, for his last days before he started working. Lupin frowned. And here was Harry, again flouting all the security rules they’d set for him, going out alone to the gate.

Harry reached the gate, but whether he would have broken the rules altogether and gone through, Lupin never knew, because Sev-the-Dog leapt out from the bushes, growling and snarling, hackles raised along his back. Harry froze in astonishment. The dog snapped at him, and Harry stepped back from the gate.

The dog stopped snarling, but he did not move from the gate, and his eyes glared viciously at Harry. He only turned when there was a soft bang, and Ron appeared just outside. Ron eyed the dog warily, as he walked through the gate, staying as far from the dog as he could. Ron looked at Harry and his mouth moved, he must have said something, and Harry shrugged.

The two boys walked back to Hogwarts. Once they were a good distance from the gate, Sev-the-Dog turned and followed behind them, apparently ready to herd them back to the building if they showed any sign of straying.

The boys finally went inside the building, Sev-the-Dog behind them. They looked back at the dog and laughed, and then turned toward Gryffindor Tower. The dog watched them go.

And then turned, and looked puzzled. His head turned in one direction, then another, as if he were lost. No, Lupin thought, not lost, just not sure which way to go. He willed the mirror’s view to change, so he could see. The dog was facing the direction of the corridor that would take him to Lupin’s rooms. Then his head turned and Lupin saw the dark archway, over the stairs leading down to the dungeons, to Snape’s old chambers.

The dog hesitantly stepped forward, toward the stairs, and began to walk down. Well, of course, thought Lupin. That way is ingrained into you, isn’t it. That was your home, your only sanctuary, for decades.

Lupin pulled a robe over his nightshirt, and left his rooms, closing the door quietly behind him, and headed for the great entryway. The dog was nowhere in sight when he got there, but he went down the stairs quickly, and along the corridors.

And there was Sev-the-Dog, standing in front of Snape’s old doorway, agitation evident throughout his entire body. The dog turned to look at Lupin, and a whimper came from his throat, then he looked back at the door.

Lupin knelt beside him and rubbed his head. "It’s all right," he said, out of habit. But it’s not all right, he thought. Could he open the door? Snape would have removed his wards. Lupin reached up and turned the latch, and the door swung inwards.

The room inside was dark and empty. There was nothing, anymore, to distinguish it from any other set of chambers at Hogwarts. All traces of its previous inhabitant were gone. The dog stepped inside, warily, and then stood still as he looked around the room, at the empty shelves, and bare floors. Lupin stood beside him, and put a hand on his back, rubbing his fingers into his fur.

The dog was still. He’s looking for something, and it’s not here, Lupin thought. It’s not your home anymore. And then, he thought, with a pang, Where is your home now, Severus?

He squatted down beside the dog, and the dog leaned against him. Lupin rubbed his fingers deep into the dog’s neck. They stayed like that for a little while.

And then Lupin stood up, and gently pushed the dog back to the door. Sev-the-Dog hesitated, then turned, and walked outside with Lupin, and back along the corridor towards Lupin’s chambers.

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Lupin frowned as he watched Sev-the-Dog glaring out the window. Harry and Ron must be outside. If I let him, he’d spend all day following them, Lupin thought. Just like when he was human, with James and the rest of us, there’s been no change. Will we ever see you move beyond this? Lupin had a sinking feeling that Severus would be stuck like this, forever, man or dog. The anger and despair was too deeply ingrained into his nature.

But he seems happier as a dog, or, at least, he seems more able to express his affection for those few people he cares about, Lupin tried to tell himself. Isn’t that a positive step? But would it be there when he returned to human form? Lupin had to suppress a smile at the thought of human Snape trying to lie with his head in Lupin’s lap. He could just picture Snape’s face at the mere suggestion of it.

That afternoon, Lupin took the dog outside for a walk around the grounds. Sev-the-Dog seemed reasonably content, staying close by Lupin’s side. Is he staying close by me for protection, or is he protecting me, Lupin wondered. Probably a little of both.

They walked around the lake until they came to the big rock that jutted out into the water, baked warm in the summer sun, an old friend from boyhood school days. Lupin climbed up and stretched out on it. Sev-the-Dog jumped up onto the rock and lay down beside him. Lupin smiled lazily. He and the others, James, Sirius and Peter, had sat here many times back when they were students. He looked at the dog out of the corner of one eye. Sev-the-Dog lay flat on his belly, neck and head stretched out on the smooth, dark stone, eyes half closed, as content as Lupin had ever seen him. Lupin reached out to rub the dog’s bony skull, and the dog’s tail gave a soft wave.

And then the dog lifted his head, ears pricked up, alert, but not alarmed. Lupin sat up, sleepily, and saw a tall form walking along the lake, still a ways away. No mistaking that silhouette, it was Dumbledore.

Dumbledore seemed lost in thought, as he walked slowly along the lake’s edge. He doesn’t see us, Lupin realized. Sev-the-Dog gave a small, anguished whimper, and tensed as if to stand up, but Lupin placed a hand on his back and said, gently, "Hush."

Then Dumbledore looked up, and saw them. And smiled, Lupin saw with relief, not wanting to intrude on Dumbledore’s thoughts. He smiled back, and Dumbledore came over to them, walking a little more quickly now. When he reached the rock, he began to climb, despite his heavy robes. Lupin caught his hand and helped pull him up to sit beside them. Sev-the-Dog thumped his tail, gently, and crawled over so that he lay between them, Lupin and Dumbledore.

Dumbledore puffed out his breath, reaching out a hand to pat the dog on the head. "It has been a long time since I sat up here. I don’t remember it being so difficult to climb before," he said with a wry smile.

Lupin smiled back. "I was just thinking that it had been a while since I’d been here, too."

Dumbledore sat quietly for a moment. How tired he looks, Lupin thought. He’s aged so much in the past few months. "Things not going well at the Ministry?" he said.

Dumbledore sighed. "As well as can be expected, I suppose. I have been through this enough times to know that the problems of the world will not be solved by a new set of politicians. Myself included," he added with a nod.

Lupin opened his mouth, trying to think of something comforting to say, when there was a distant shout, and all of them turned. Through a gap in the trees, Lupin could make out the Quiddich field, and a whir of forms on broomsticks looping and diving above it. But he could not pick out Harry or Ron among them, none of them had Harry’s style of flying, and Ron’s red hair would have shown up even at this distance.

"I keep thinking," Dumbledore said, "back to the first time, for me. After Grindelwald, you know. I had such hopes. Evil had been soundly defeated, the world ahead seemed so full of promise." He looked at the Quiddich players, as they whirled joyously around each other. "And all the while, there was Tom."

Dumbledore sighed. "Who are we missing this time, Remus? What lost child is out there now, that I have failed, who’ll be the next Voldemort?"

"I think you’re asking for a level of omniscience that is beyond any mortal human," Lupin said gently. "It took many years for the boy Tom Riddle to become Voldemort, and he did so by his own choice. People cannot do right just because you tell them to, or want them to. They have to decide on their own."

"So," Dumbledore’s eyes crinkled in a smile, "you tell me I am being arrogant, thinking I’m the sole bastion between good and evil, and believing it is my fault if things go wrong."

"I didn’t say that," Lupin said. "And we all do rely on you, more than we should."

"But I have taken it on," Dumbledore said, "for whatever reasons you may choose to give. The power. The responsibility. The glory, perhaps."

"I have never seen you as a glory seeker," Lupin said. "Or a power seeker. I’ve always seen you as someone who has done what needed to be done. And thank Merlin you have."

"And what needed to be done, has been done," Dumbledore said, his voice cold and ancient. He looked down at the dog beside him with sorrowful eyes. Sev-the-Dog looked up at him, eyes fixed on Dumbledore’s face. And, somehow, Lupin felt Dumbledore’s awareness of the players in the Quiddich field, as their distant shouts carried over the trees, the children here for the summer because they had no place else to go. And Harry not there with them. Harry alone, with his anger.

"I do not want to sacrifice any more children," Dumbledore said, his voice hollow. "I cannot bear it any longer." He cupped Sev-the-Dog’s head in his hand.

"I know Severus does not blame you," Lupin said, "for whatever wrongs you may feel you’ve done him." He cocked his head. "I think he would be content just to sit beside you like this for the rest of his life."

"To lie and worship at my feet, the way he used to at Voldemort’s?" Dumbledore shook his head. "No, that is no kind of life, not for anyone. And," he added, with a raised eyebrow, "it would not be good for me, either. No, Remus, better he have true friends, like you. Who stand beside him, not above him."

"He loves you, though," Lupin said. "I can’t see that changing."

Dumbledore stared down at the dog, the bony head still in his hand, and did not speak. Was that a tremble, in the old man’s hand, Lupin thought, a quiver in his eyes? It breaks his heart, to look at Severus. He dares not let him get too close, or Severus will never be able to stand on his own.

Lupin looked at the dog, and ran a hand along the silky spine. It has always been your nature to worship, hasn’t it, Severus. To turn your face up to those radiant beings above you, to feel small and insignificant beneath them. No wonder you’ve withstood such abuse. That you considered your own suffering to be entwined with whatever love you feel. And then a cold, sharp thought, Where did you learn that? Who taught you that?

"I’m worried," Lupin said, softly. "He seems to have returned to his original behavior, and he hasn’t made any progress. I know it’s not been very long yet. But he seems locked into his old hatreds. Of Harry, at least. I don’t know how to help him move beyond that."

Dumbledore stroked the dog’s head. "We will just have to see. As you say, it hasn’t been very long. We must give him time."

Lupin nodded. And then said, "Harry also. I am concerned about him." He glanced at the Quiddich players again. "He is so angry."

"He has a great deal to be angry about," Dumbledore nodded. "I have failed Harry as much as I have failed Severus. Harry was even more our weapon, after all."

"Did you really have any choice? Even if he weren’t the prophesied slayer of Voldemort, wouldn’t he still have needed protection? Wouldn’t he still have had to live with his mother’s family?"

"He could have had contact with the Wizard world, at least," Dumbledore said. "He could have grown up knowing he was not alone. His family’s more extreme cruelties might have been prevented." He shook his head. "But no, Harry had to be kept secret."

"I wonder how he managed to turn out so well, growing up with that family," Lupin said.

Dumbledore smiled. "He has his father’s resilience. And his mother’s heart, I think. A pity her parents were no longer alive. He might have lived with them." Another pat on the dog’s head, and then he looked at Lupin. "I believe this is Mr. Weasley’s last day to spend with Harry for a while. I suspect Harry may choose to spend a little more time with you. Which may help you with both of them, Severus and Harry together."

Lupin nodded. "We’ll have to see."

They stayed on the rock until the sun moved toward the west, and the shadows of the trees stretched long over the lake. Then they climbed down and walked back to Hogwarts, and into the Great Hall for dinner.

The enchanted ceiling showed the sky turning from blue to sunset’s reds and oranges. The Hall was already noisy with voices, though only a mild buzz compared to the low roar of full term. Most of the teachers were already there, seated up on the dais at the end, and the students were trickling in. Minerva smiled at Dumbledore as he took his seat beside her, and Lupin sat down in his seat further along the table. Sev-the-Dog looked puzzled for a moment. We’re by your seat, aren’t we, Lupin thought. Lupin leaned down and patted the floor by his feet. Sev-the-Dog looked up at him, in question, and Lupin smiled, and Sev-the-Dog stepped beside him, and stretched out beneath the table.

Lupin sat up, just in time to see Harry and Ron come into the Hall. He glanced down at the dog, and sure enough, Sev-the-Dog had seen them, too, through a gap in the tablecloth. The dog’s body was stiff, and his gaze was fiercely directed at them. Lupin shook his head and looked back at Harry and Ron as they went to the Gryffindor table, where they sat down, alone, their former Slytherin friends back at the Slytherin table.

Harry’s face looked as fierce as Sev-the-Dog's. Is he really still angry about whatever they’re feuding over, Lupin thought. Or is it that the anger has taken on a life of its own.

And Lupin felt a sudden emptiness inside him. This is the way it will be forever, Harry and Severus, each consumed and controlled by their anger, locked into these patterns, pushing everyone who cares about them away.

He shook himself. No, I can’t believe that. It’s a stage, they’re both simply stuck for now, but they can each push through it, they can move beyond this. Harry especially, Harry is young, he’ll pull through. Lupin glanced down at the dog, still locked in his angry stance, looking directly at Harry.

"You, too," Lupin said, out loud, "You’re going to make it through this."

Sev-the-Dog glanced up at him, with narrowed eyes, a dog sneer.

Fortunately, the food arrived then. Lupin piled food on a plate and passed it down to the floor, and watched with relief as the dog turned his attention to the savory stuffs in front of him, and no longer looked through the space in the tablecloth.

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The next morning, Dobby was grinning a little sheepishly, when he brought breakfast. Lupin saw that there was twice the normal amount of food on the tray, and he smiled back at Dobby, and nodded.

And sure enough, almost as soon as Dobby left, there was a knock at the door. "It’s Harry," said a muffled voice from outside.

Sev-the-Dog gave a low growl. "Behave," Lupin said to him, and then he called out, "Come on in, Harry."

The door opened, and Harry came in. He had a sullen look on his face, but when Lupin smiled at him, he managed to smile back, before flopping down in a chair. "Hope you don’t mind me coming over uninvited."

"Not at all," Lupin said, glancing down at the dog. Sev-the-Dog was glaring, but he lay still in his place on the sofa. Lupin put the dog’s food out next, giving him a pat on the head, "Good dog," before serving himself.

Harry concentrated on his plate, eating quickly. Focus on the food, and you won’t have to think about anything else, thought Lupin.

"Any plans for today?" Lupin asked carefully.

Harry shrugged. "Ron starts his new job today, so I’m on my own."

"No Quiddich, then?" Lupin asked, head cocked to one side. This is a dangerous question, he thought.

Harry dug fiercely into his eggs with a fork and his face grew hard. "No," he said.

Lupin kept his face calm. "Oh well," he said, "but there’s still lots to do around Hogwarts. No one ever explored the place completely, not even the Marauders."

Harry’s fork made a ringing sound as it hit the plate, and Harry’s face looked hard. He put a bite in his mouth and chewed it as if it were as tough as leather.

No fun without Ron, thought Lupin. "If you like, I, um, borrowed a broomstick from Madame Hooch’s student brooms. Maybe we could go flying today."

"Maybe another time, Professor," Harry said. "Not today."

Determined to be miserable, aren’t we, Lupin thought. He tried desperately to think. Let’s see, how can a middle-aged invalid werewolf amuse a sullen teen-aged boy. He couldn’t come up with much. If it were Hermione, it would have been easy, just suggest a trip to the Library. But not Harry.

Harry’s eyes flicked over to Sev-the-Dog, who had never stopped glaring at Harry, even while eating. Harry, for a moment, returned that stare with one equally ugly.

Sev-the-Dog jumped up to his feet on the sofa, snarling, and crouching as if to lunge at the boy. Lupin immediately snatched up his wand, and called out a few words, and the snarl melted from the dog’s face, and he slid back down onto the sofa, eyes half closed.

Lupin knelt down by the dog, petting his head, and saying, softly, "It’s all right, it’s all right," over and over. Then he sat back in his chair, keeping a hand on the dog’s head.

Harry was smiling sardonically at him. "Good trick."

Lupin looked ruefully down at Sev-the-Dog. "It’s one I looked up. It doesn’t put him to sleep, but it makes him, uh, very relaxed. I’m hoping it’ll help him. You know, you’re here, close by him, and maybe he’ll be able to see that you won’t hurt him."

Harry nodded. He knelt down on the floor by the sofa, and tried to put a hand up to the dog’s head, but the dog pulled back, and his lips lifted to show his white fangs, and a low growl sounded in his throat. Harry frowned, and moved back to his seat. "Rotten dog," he said. "Why does anyone care about it? Don’t they put down vicious dogs?"

Lupin took a deep breath. "Sometimes. But this one’s worth it."

"I don’t see why," Harry said, sliding around in the chair.

Lupin kept his hand on the dog’s head, rubbing its ears. "What do you think about a . . . a creature who has known nothing but cruelty, but who has put himself in danger, and saved lives, not just once, but many times."

Harry shrugged. "He’s still vicious."

"Yes."

Harry shrugged again.

He’s not in a rational mood, Lupin thought. I shouldn’t even try to argue with him.

Harry stayed with Lupin all morning. It was very unsatisfactory for both of them. Harry rejected any pastimes that Lupin suggested, and seemed to want to lie in various positions in the chair, looking sullen and answering in monosyllables. Lupin finally decided to let him be, better he be miserable here than miserable all alone.

They had lunch in Lupin’s quarters, which Lupin thought was better than asking Harry to sit at the Gryffindor table all by himself. Lunch was a repeat of breakfast. Lupin thought, after lunch, he was going to insist that Harry and he go down to visit Hagrid; if Hagrid couldn’t cheer Harry up, at least he could help dilute the misery.

And then there was a knock at the door. "Professor," called a familiar voice.

Lupin couldn’t help smiling, although he also couldn’t help glancing warily at Harry. Harry’s body froze, and Lupin couldn’t read his face, but a feeling of rebellion rose in Lupin, and he called out, "Come in."

The door opened, and Hermione appeared, smiling shyly in the doorway.

Harry did not move.

Lupin said, quickly, "Come on in, we’re having lunch, you can join us, pull up a chair." I’m babbling, he thought.

Hermione looked over at Harry, and she gave him a smile.

Harry stood up. Lupin held his breath. Please, Harry, please don’t be stupid.

And Harry’s face broke into a grin, and he was beside Hermione in three steps. He threw his arms around her, and held her in a fierce bear hug. "Hermione," was all he said.

Hermione grinned back, and Lupin could see a tear fall, from one eye. "I’m glad to see you, too, Harry," she said. "I’ve missed you."

Lupin leaned back in the chair, sighing with relief. He gave Sev-the-Dog’s head a few pats. At least something was looking better now, for Harry at least. Sev-the-Dog’s tail thumped lightly a few times against the sofa, and the still stupefied dog leaned his head into Lupin’s hand. "We still have to work on you," Lupin said, under his breath, "but we have time."

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TBC