Practically Brothers

Moonrise

Snape sealed the lid on the small cauldron he’d been fussing over for the last few hours. Steam rose around the edges. He glanced at the clock - less than an hour before sunset, but moonrise was later on tonight, so there was still plenty of time.

He carried the cauldron by its handle over to the fireplace. He took a pinch of powder from a jar on the mantle and threw it into the grate. It exploded into colored flames. He spoke a few words and leaned his head into the fire. A mist of dancing colors, and then he saw Lupin, standing in front of him.

“I’ve got it ready,” Snape said. “I’ll bring it over now.”

Lupin smiled. “Yes, please do.” Snape gripped the cauldron handle, stepped forward, and found himself in a small living room. Lupin had been covering the sofa in what looked like an old sheet. He tucked in the last corner, then stood up. “Thank you, Severus,” he said, taking the cauldron.

Snape nodded, and looked around the room. “This was your parents’ house?” he said.

“Yes,” Lupin said. “I was born in this house.”

What furniture there was in the room looked old, but carefully taken care of. There were no ornaments or bric a brac of any kind; either Lupin’s family had been unusually spartan, or, more likely, Snape thought, anything that was not necessary, and had any worth, had been sold.

“I’ll just take this into the kitchen,” Lupin said, carrying the cauldron through a doorway. Snape followed. The kitchen was like the living room, clean and bare. Lupin set the cauldron on a table, took down a mug from a cupboard, a ladle from a drawer, and carefully filled the mug from the cauldron, placing the lid back firmly when the mug was full. Then he took a deep breath, and downed the entire mug in one gulp. He shook his head, face twisted up. “Could use a butterbeer, now,” he gasped, “Hang on, I’ll get two, they’re in the basement.”

He opened a door, said, “Lumos,” and walked through. Snape followed him down a flight of stairs, which led to a small room, smaller than it ought to be, given the size of the house. But no, there was a door in one wall, slightly ajar. Lupin went to a large cold storage preserver in the corner, and as Snape followed him, he glanced through the door.

The bare room contained only a metal cage, large enough for a man to stand in, or to lie on the floor. The bars were very thick, and close together, and the whole structure was riveted to a metal plate on the floor. It looked strong enough to hold a small dragon. There were brown stains on the walls around the room, layer upon layer of them.

“That’s why I’ll never sell this house,” he heard Lupin’s soft voice behind him. “I’ll always have a place I can go, during the full moon.” He smiled. “Your potion is such a blessing, Severus.”

He handed Snape a bottle of butterbeer, and walked up the stairs. Snape looked at the room again, at the cage, then carefully closed the door, and followed him back into the bright kitchen.

They sat at the table, popped the top off the bottles, and drank, Lupin swilling the liquid around in his mouth to wash the taste of the potion away. Snape watched him. Every year, Lupin looked thinner, and his face seemed to gain another line, and there were more grey hairs among the brown. How was he living? A pang of guilt there, he’d had a good place at Hogwarts, probably for the first time in years, possibly the only time in his adult life. Snape grimaced, and took a deep breath.

“I owe you an apology, Lupin,” he said, speaking stiffly; the words were hard to say.

“What for?” Lupin said, swallowing his beer.

“For getting you fired,” Snape said, “from Hogwarts.”

“No,” Lupin shook his head, “I’d already resigned. You were right, it was too dangerous for me to be there.” He gave a wry smile. “Besides, you thought I was a follower of Vo- of You Know Who.” Lupin took another swig of beer. “And I thought you were. How wrong we both were.” Lupin swallowed the last of his butterbeer, and looked at the bottle regretfully. He wants another, thought Snape, but is there any more downstairs? He’s probably carefully nursing his supply, and here I am, drinking one of them. Snape finished his own bottle quickly.

“If you wished to return to Hogwarts,” Snape said, “I would support you. Dumbledore would accept you back, so would all the other teachers. You are no danger, as long as you take the potion during the full moon.”

Lupin shook his head. “It didn’t work last time. And yes--” he said, as Snape moved to speak, “that was quite a distraction, that day, but distractions like that seem to come up all the time now. I won’t risk it.” He looked down. “That’s my greatest nightmare, that I’ll lose control one night, or break out of the cage, or not make it inside in time, and I’ll kill someone. Even to pass this curse on to someone else would be too terrible to bear.” He looked at Snape. “You know, the poor sod who got me, he’d only been bitten himself a few weeks before. He was a Muggle, so he didn’t know it was a werewolf bite, he’d been getting treatments for rabies.” Lupin looked down again. “Mum got him with a shotgun full of silver pellets. Mum was a Muggle, but she was no pushover.” Lupin looked wistful.

And then he looked out the kitchen window. “Sunset,” he said. “Moonrise soon to follow.”

“I’d better be getting back,” Snape said, rising from the chair. They both returned to the living room.

“Thanks for coming by,” Lupin said, as Snape carefully took as small an amount of the floo powder as he could.

“Thank you for the butterbeer,” Snape said, then dropped the powder into the fireplace, and said, “Hogwarts, dungeon level--” He was interrupted by a small explosion, and a banner appeared in front of him that said, “Floo Network temporarily out of service. Estimated repair time unknown. We apologize for any inconvenience.”

Lupin looked chagrined. “Sorry about that. The service has been going out here a lot lately, they’ve been doing work on it. But you can just apparate to Hogsmeade and walk from there.”

“No,” Snape said, stepping out of the fireplace, “the school gates close at sunset, I’ll be locked out. I am stuck here until the network is up again, or the gates open in the morning.”

Lupin looked pained. “It could be all night, Severus. I’m sorry.”

Snape stared viciously at the offending banner. “It’s not your fault,” he said, grudgingly.

Lupin paused, and then said softly, “I’ll go in the cage.”

“What?” Snape said, turning to look at him.

“It’s all right, I’ll go in the cage tonight. You don’t have to worry.”

“What in blazes are you talking about?”

Lupin took a deep breath. “I nearly killed you, twenty years ago. You’re damn lucky you don’t have to fix that potion for yourself. You can’t want to be around the wolf that attacked you, all those years ago.” He straightened up. “So, I’ll go into the cage. I’ll shut the basement door, you can stay up here and wait for the network to reconnect. You can sleep in the bedroom if you get tired.” He took a step towards the kitchen.

“Lupin,” Snape said,” Get back here. Don’t be an idiot.”

Lupin turned. “You’re sure?”

“You’re not going to express any latent anger, are you? Chase the postman? Rip up the furniture?”

“No,” Lupin said, but his face looked troubled.

“Then there is no problem,” Snape said, “Is there?”

Lupin looked down at the floor. “It’s just--” Lupin said, “It’s just that, well, I--”

What? wondered Snape.

“I get very doggy,” Lupin said. “I keep my own mind, of course, but the body does take over, somewhat.”

“Doggy?”

“I might, you know, try to lick your hand, or something like that.”

“I think that is a situation I can handle, should it arise.”

Lupin nodded. “All right then.” He thought for a moment. “I don’t really have much in the way for you to eat, the preserver is pretty bare, but there’s a directory on the mantle, you can order something if you’re hungry. There’s some money in the jar next to it.”

“What about you?”

“Don’t worry about getting something for me, in wolf form, I can eat just about anything. . .”

Snape stared at him. “Please don’t tell me you pour out a bowl of kibble.”

Lupin flushed. “It’s almost moonrise, I’ve got a few things left to do.” Like pour out your dinner, Snape thought, feeling ill. “I don’t know how long the network will be down, but if it’s all night, you can sleep in the bedroom. I sleep out on the sofa when I’m in wolf form.” Snape looked at him questioningly, and Lupin added, shrugging, “I get hair all over the bed, otherwise. I just put a sheet on the sofa, it’s easier.” He looked out the window. “It’s about ten minutes, before the change happens, if you want to see.”

“I don’t have to see it,” Snape said, “not if you don’t want me to.”

“It’s all right,” Lupin said, “I actually feel better, knowing someone’s there. I usually do it here, in the living room, since I sleep here.”

Lupin went down a hallway at the other end of the living room. Snape got the directory from the mantle and flipped through it. A Chinese place looked likely; the paper around the ad was more worn than the rest, at least. He pressed his finger at the top of the ad, then tapped out an order, a big one. A little banner appeared, thanking him for the order, listing the total, and saying it would be ready within half an hour.

He went into the kitchen and opened a window for the owl that would be bringing the delivery. He had to look around before he found the bowl of kibble, along with a bowl of water. They were pushed back in a corner, and the pantry door pulled open to hide them.

He walked back into the living room. Lupin was coming back down the hallway, probably from the bathroom, he was pulling off his shirt. Snape sucked in his breath. Lupin’s body was covered with scars. Werewolves heal very quickly, Snape remembered from his lore. Old scars would be gone by now, otherwise, Lupin’s body would be one great mass of scar tissue. These must be from the last few months. Snape thought of the cage in the basement, the brown stains on the walls.

Lupin smiled ruefully. “I wish I could magic my clothes into my transformation the way an animagi can.” He looked out the window. “It’s time now.” And with an odd look - of shame? Snape thought - he pulled off the rest of his clothes, folding them carefully and placing them on the floor in the corner. Then he stood naked, his back to him.

Then Lupin crouched down on the floor. His muscles writhed like snakes under his skin, and his body began to change - torso growing longer and leaner, legs and arms changing, face growing longer, and then grey hair sprouting all over. Lupin made animal whimpering noises that grew deeper and deeper. How long did it take - was it seconds, or minutes? And then the form was still, and what crouched on the floor was no longer a man, but an enormous, grey wolf. Gods, thought Snape, he’s as big as a pony.

The wolf stared down at the floor, eyes half shut, as if the change had exhausted him. Then, the big head came up, and looked at Snape with Lupin’s brown eyes. Snape started, involuntarily, and the eyes looked down quickly. I’ve made him feel ashamed, Snape thought. “I’ll be in the kitchen,” he said, and retreated.

A pair of owls sat on the kitchen table, next to a pile of paper cartons - ah, dinner was here. He paid the owls out of his own purse - as if I’d touch your money, Lupin - and closed the window behind them after they flew away. He opened the cartons one by one. A few moments for the scent to waft into the next room, and he’ll be up and in here, Snape thought. Kibble indeed.

And sure enough, Snape was opening the last carton when a huge, grey head peeked around the doorway. Doggy, are we? thought Snape. Now we’ll see which is stronger, the man’s pride, or the wolf’s hunger?

He picked up an eggroll - and yes, didn’t our eyes get wide for that. Evil dark wizard tortures innocent wolf with Chinese eggroll. He tossed it into the air towards Lupin. He could see the debate in those brown eyes - catch it, let it fall, catch it, let it fall, and then the great jaws snapped, chewed and swallowed. The wolf’s face looked sheepish, but the eyes pleaded, “More?”

“I don’t suppose you can eat at the table,” Snape said. The wolf’s head gave a small shake, No. Probably can’t manage the chairs, Snape thought, and I’m not going to make him eat on the floor. He got two plates, a glass, and, after a moment’s thought, a bowl from the cupboard. He filled glass and bowl with water from the sink, and carried them out to the living room, putting them on a table in easy reach of the sofa. He went back to the kitchen, loaded the plates with food, and carried them out as well. He sat on the sofa, holding a plate in one hand, and placed the second plate beside him on the sheet. “Will that do?” he asked Lupin.

Lupin gave a happy bark, and climbed up onto the sofa, careful not to knock over the plate of food, and began to eat, daintily. He’s hungry, Snape thought, as he took a bite himself, he wants to gobble it down, but he’s forcing himself to be civilized. Have you been starving yourself in human form, waiting to fill up on cheap dogfood as a wolf?

As slowly and carefully as Lupin ate, including delicately licking the plate clean, he still finished first. He watched Snape as he continued with his meal, staring intently at every morsel Snape put in his mouth. Snape frowned. Oh well, he thought, I’m about full anyway, and he picked up a chunk of pork and tossed it at Lupin. Lupin snapped his head, expertly, and it was gone. All right, then, thought Snape, and he picked up another piece, we’ll make this a little harder, and he flicked it high in the air. Lupin reared up on his hind legs and caught it. His tail wagged, and his wolf mouth smiled.

Bit by bit, Snape emptied his plate, and Lupin chased after every piece, joyously leaping up in the air, or bounding across the room, as Snape threw the pieces farther, and to different spots. Lupin’s wolf reflexes were lightning quick, and nothing hit the floor. He’s enjoying this, Snape thought. I think I am, also.

After the last morsel had vanished into the enormous jaws, Snape carried the dirty dishes to the kitchen, set them washing themselves in the sink, and threw the empty cartons in the trash. Everything in order, he returned to the sofa in the living room.

Lupin was not there, but he heard the padding of feet coming back from the hall, and Lupin appeared in the room. He had a very sheepish, almost pleading expression on his face, and he gave a hesitant wag of his tail. What now? wondered Snape. Lupin approached him slowly, and then he dropped a red, rubber ball in Snape’s lap, and looked at him with his big brown eyes.

“You have got to be joking,” Snape said. Lupin’s eyes grew even bigger, and he butted his nose under Snape’s hand. Snape closed his eyes. “All right,” he said, “I presume this is to be done outside?”

Lupin barked joyfully, tail wagging, and he ran through the kitchen to the back door. Snape followed, rolling his eyes. He opened the back door, and Lupin bounded outside, and rolled on the grass. “Lumos,” Snape commanded, and the yard became dimly lit. The backyard was just a patch of not very well kept grass surrounded by a high wooden fence, but the air was cool, the sky was bright with stars, and the full moon glowed in the sky.

Lupin barked, jumping up and down. He probably hasn’t had anyone throw a ball for him in years, Snape thought. He threw the ball, and Lupin caught it in mid air, and trotted back to Snape with the ball in his jaws. Snape held out his hand, and Lupin looked coyly at him, still holding the ball. “Oh no,” Snape said, in his sternest, schoolmaster tone, “I am not going to chase you for it. Give it here.”

Lupin gave a contrite whine and dropped the ball in Snape’s hand, then darted back to the middle of the yard. Snape threw it again, harder this time, and Lupin shot after the ball, chasing it down into a corner of the yard. He makes a very handsome wolf, Snape thought, it was a pretty sight, watching him leap and run, and then come back, head and tail carried elegantly high. Lupin dropped the ball in his hand again.

I think my arm is going to give out before he does, Snape thought.

-

*******

-

The annoying banner still hung in the fireplace, but it wasn’t that late yet. Snape sat on one end of the sofa, reading a book he’d found. Lupin lay on the rest of the sofa, curled up, eyes half open, but the lids were drooping shut, and eventually his breathing became slow and deep. Snape continued with his book, occasionally glancing at the fireplace to see if the message had changed. He started as he felt something against his thigh, and looked down.

Lupin, still asleep, had stretched out onto his back, all four paws in the air, belly exposed, and nose practically in Snape’s lap. Gods, Snape thought, but he went back to his book.

-

*******

-

Snape woke softly. Time to get up, time to wash, and dress, and go down to breakfast, and prepare for classes. No, he thought, it’s summer, no classes now. He felt odd, something wasn’t right, it didn’t feel like his bed, and the blankets were heavy on his chest. And he was sleeping half sitting up.

And then he remembered where he was, and opened his eyes. He was still on Lupin’s sofa, his head pressed against the side. He tried to stretch, but something heavy was holding him down. With a feeling of foreboding, he looked down at his chest, and there was the massive, grey wolf’s head, just under his chin, and as much of the rest of the wolf as would fit in his lap. And Snape’s own arms were wrapped around the warm wolf neck and shoulders, fingers deep in the soft fur. He pulled his arms quickly away, and then tried to wriggle out from under, but he was firmly pinned down. Lupin made a whining noise, and snuggled closer to Snape’s chest.

Snape rolled his eyes up to the ceiling, then back down again. “You are going to be extremely embarrassed when you wake up in the morning,” he told the sleeping Lupin, but Lupin showed no sign of waking. If I fall asleep again, Snape thought, I’ll probably wake up and find myself rubbing his belly. And another voice in his head said, it’s all right, he’s just a big dog now, and his fur is very soft. Snape pulled his arms to his sides, and slid his hands behind him. I’ll just have to stay awake, he thought.

And dawn did come, finally. Snape felt a tremor run through the wolf’s body against his chest, and he watched as wolf turned to man. It was a much easier change than man to wolf. Is it because he rejects the wolf so much? Snape wondered. Just a gentle shimmering of his outline, and the grey wolf melted into the brown-haired man.

Of course, now I have a naked man in my lap, Snape thought. Can I slide out now, without him knowing? But Lupin began to stir. Better pretend to be asleep, Snape thought, and sank his head back into the sofa, closing his eyes almost all the way.

Lupin stretched a little, opened his eyes, and froze, eyes wincing shut. Snape carefully kept his own breathing slow and shallow. I’m asleep, he thought, I’m asleep, I’m completely unaware of anything that happened here. Won’t remember a thing.

Lupin carefully took his weight off of Snape’s body, pulling back onto his legs, and then he stepped very deliberately off the sofa. He picked up underwear, then trousers from the floor and slid them on, quietly. “It’s all right, Severus, you don’t have to pretend, I know you’re awake,” he said. Something shook in his voice.

Snape was still for a moment, then he opened his eyes, and shifted uncomfortably to an upright position in the sofa. I should have apparated out from under him, why didn’t I think of that?

Lupin squatted on the floor and reached for his shirt, then let his hand fall. For a moment, he sat motionless. And then he said, hoarsely, “I am so tired of being ‘poor Lupin.’”

Snape stared at Lupin’s face, but Lupin did not meet his eyes.

Lupin went on, “Everyone is so damned understanding. Poor Lupin, we all feel so sorry for him, the poor bastard, we really need to do something about him, but no one knows what. I don’t know what.” He looked at Snape. “Even you feel sorry for me, Professor Snape. I must be truly pathetic.” Lupin bowed his head against his chest, and whispered, “I hate living like this.”

I need to say something, Snape thought, but I’m too tired, and I don’t know what to say. Lupin is the one who knows what to say in times like this.

Lupin sighed. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to take this out on you, it’s not your fault, and here you are, trying to be kind.” He raised his head. “I will be fine. I have my moments of despair, but this will pass, and I will be good old Lupin, again.” He smiled crookedly.

Snape rubbed his eyes, sighed, and leaned against the side of the sofa. “Remus, I cannot remember, ever, in my adult life, a time when I have been invited into a normal home, shared a meal, and felt truly welcome. I could have done without sleeping on the sofa. Next time, I’ll take the bed, if there is a next time.”

Lupin smiled a little, “This is hardly a normal home, Severus.” And then he said, “It was the easiest night I have ever had, as a wolf, since I was a boy.” He looked pained. “I’ll get rid of the ball, I’m sorry about that, I’d forgotten I still had that.” Then he winced, “And what happened there.” He nodded at the sofa. “When I’m in wolf form, I--, a wolf is a social animal, and werewolf packs often curl up together. My wolf sees you as one of my pack.”

“I am honored,” Snape said. “And please keep the ball.”

“Dad used to throw that ball for me, when I was small - I wasn’t a danger then, I wasn’t aggressive until I was older.”

Wonderful, I remind him of his Dad, thought Snape. Could be worse, could have been his Mum. But you did remind him of his Mum, he realized, that was here, on the sofa. He could picture it, a woman, holding her son in her lap, while he turned from human child, to wolf cub, to human child again. His pack, in early childhood. And later, he had his pack at school. “Potter and Black, they were your pack alphas, weren’t they?” Because you aren’t an alpha, Lupin. Neither am I, to my everlasting frustration.

Lupin nodded. “That’s why they could keep me under control, when they ran with me during the full moon. I accepted their dominance and my beta position to them, although I didn’t understand that at the time. It made it nearly impossible for me to go against them, even when I should have.” He looked straight at Snape’s face. “It’s not an excuse, I know.”

“They were extremely alpha,” Snape said, and then his eyes narrowed. “I hate alphas.”

“I’ll never regret our friendship,” Lupin said, “They showed me I could do things I never knew I could. They did so much for me, and I will miss them for the rest of my life. But teen-aged children can be very much like wolves, can’t they?” Lupin took a deep breath, “Fortunately, most of them do grow up,” he said as he stood up and pulled his shirt over his head. “Thank you, Severus. This has been quite an imposition on you, I know.”

“Next time, we should stick to playing fetch.”

“I’d like that.”

“I could raid the Hogwarts kitchen, before I come next time. Which means the Ministry will ultimately pay for it. But that seems appropriate, don’t you think, given the amount of unpaid work you’ve been doing for them.”

Lupin smiled. “You know how to raid the kitchens?”

“Every student at Hogwarts knows how to do that.” A ghost of a smile crossed Snape’s face.

Lupin smiled and shook his head. “You do amaze me, Severus.”

“I should hope so.” Another hint of a smile, and then he stood up, and said, “I’ll be getting back now. You’ll be all right?”

“Yes,” Lupin said, “Yes, I will. Thank you again.”

Snape nodded, then stood very straight, and vanished, with no pop or bang, just a slight whisper of air.

-

*******

-

Snape appeared just outside the Hogwarts gates. I’m tired, he thought. I’m stiff, I slept all night on a sofa, in my clothes, and I’m covered in wolf hair. He looked down at the thatch of silver shining against his black robes. Annoyance blossomed and grew to anger in him. There, he thought, with satisfaction, I feel more like myself. He strode across the school grounds. Merlin help the early rising summer student he ran into, who’d give him an excuse to vent his anger.

“Ah, Severus,” said a voice behind him, “You’re out and about early this morning.”

Snape drew up with a start. He carefully collected himself before turning and replying, stiffly, “Headmaster.” What on earth was he doing out here this time of the morning?

Dumbledore’s eyes twinkled. “And how is Lupin?” What? How did he - oh, he sees the hair on my robes, Snape thought. And on your arms, too, he realized. He gave a pained sigh.

“He is fine, for now,” he said, and then, quietly, “Something has got to be done for him, Albus.”

Dumbledore nodded. “I’ve been discussing him with Arthur Weasley, to see if there’s any way to get him a job with the Ministry, since he’s been doing so much for the Order. Unfortunately, it has been difficult enough, with the Ministry forced to acknowledge Voldemort’s existence.” Snape winced at the name. “Putting werewolves on the Ministry payroll isn’t going to happen anytime soon. And the Order, as you know, is voluntary, and has no funds.”

“Can’t the Order arrange a salary anyway, and lie about where it came from?” I’d donate half of mine, he thought, I have food and shelter here.

“I had thought of that,” Dumbledore said, “But Lupin is no fool, I think he’d discover it very quickly. And he has made it very plain that he will not accept charity.”

Snape was quiet for a moment. “We place such value on the wrong things. What he gives, of himself, is more precious than gold, and yet anyone can take it freely.”

Dumbledore nodded. “Fortunately, the heart is not like a pile of gold, to be spent until it’s gone.”

Snape shook his head. “Mine was spent a long time ago. And it was not a large pile to begin with.”

“I disagree, Severus,” Dumbledore smiled, and he looked pointedly at the hair on Snape’s robe. Snape grimaced.

“And now,” said Dumbledore, “Shall we walk back? You’ll probably want to wash and change before breakfast. I, myself, enjoy the idea of giving the other teachers and students something to speculate about, but I suspect you do not feel that way.”

And together, they walked back to the school.