What Lies Within

Chapter Seven - The Aftermath

Remus lunged for the railing, pulling out his wand as he went.

"Wingardium Leviosa!" he screamed, pointing the wand downwards at the body of his falling friend. The spell burst from the wand, an electric-blue lightening bolt streaking through the air toward the ground. Remus watched in anxious anticipation as his spell hit Sirius some thirty feet below, jerking him upwards by the invisible cord that the magic created between the caster and his target. Sirus rose slowly, struggling against the motion in the opposite direction than the one he wanted to go in.

"What the hell are you doing?" Sirius demanded as Remus made him float over the edge of the railing.

"Saving your life. What does it look like I'm doing?" Remus muttered bitterly, his nerves making his wand hand shake noticeably. He directed Sirius to about an inch off the ground, so he couldn't go anywhere (like over the balcony again). Remus stepped forward, panting slightly from the anxiety, and grabbed Sirius' upper arm in a tight grasp. Sure that his suicidal friend couldn't get loose, Remus ended the spell and Sirius dropped to the ground.

"Let go of me! Please!" Sirius pleaded, straining vainly at the grip on his arm.

"I'm afraid I can't do that, Sirius," Remus explained softly. "We're going to get off the Astronomy Tower now and go straight to the Hospital Wing. You need help Sirius."

A crease formed between Sirius' eyebrows and he struggled harder. "Why can't you just let me go?" he implored. Remus just rolled his eyes and pushed his depressed friend into a wall.

As strong as Sirius was, he was no match for Remus. No one at Hogwarts was a match for Remus when it came to strength, except for maybe Hagrid because of his sheer size. "There's no point in struggling, Sirius," Remus murmured, keeping his friend securely pinned to the wall by his shoulders. "You know that."

"Please, Remus!" Sirius begged, staring deep into his friend's eyes. "Let me go, please, I'm begging you."

Remus stared back into the tortured eyes of Sirius Black, the constantly sarcastic prankster who never took anything seriously. Or at least that's the way he had been before Tessa died. Where had that side of Sirius that they all knew and loved gone? Was it gone, lost forever to this new, repenting side of Sirius? Or was it just dormant, waiting for something or someone to bring it to the surface again? Was Sirius just reaching out for help? Before Tessa's death, he had never asked for help with anything in front of other people. Remus had received several pleas for help from him in private when the others were asleep or else not present. But Remus knew that Sirius hated asking for help with things; it made him feel weak, not in control, vulnerable.

Sirius had never had an easy life. His parents were pureblood and thought that those of mixed blood or Muggle born witches and wizards were of lesser status. Sirius didn't share this view and therefore rebelled against his family, even his little brother, Regulus, whom Sirius despised because he was just like their parents. Finally, Sirius had run away from home the summer before last at age sixteen. He had turned seventeen that September and since then he had been looking for flats in London, finally finding one in May. Sirius' sudden mood swings had lifted considerably since then and Remus had thought that he was doing well...

But now...

"I can't, Sirius. Do you really think I could let you... Come on."

Sirius sagged, but didn't argue. They traveled down the steps, trying to remain quite. Or at least, Remus was trying to be quiet. Sirius was just letting himself be lead silently onward, a blank, lost look on his face.

The doors to the hospital wing squeaked as Remus pushed them open slowly, resenting the noise they made. The wing was still and shadowy, shafts of moonlight falling across the beds. Remus shivered, remembering something from a long time ago, and hauled his friend over to a bed.

"Stay here, please," Remus whispered, "while I go and wake Madame Pomfrey. Okay?" Remus waited for some clue that Sirius had in fact heard him. He didn't get one. Assuming that this lack of an answer meant yes, Remus jogged to the end of the wing and rapped smartly on the door that lead to Madame Pomfrey's private quarters. There came some sounds of movement from behind the thick wood and a moment later, the door opened and Madame Ponfrey stuck her curly head out to glare at him.

"What could possibly be important enough to wake me at this time at night, Mr. Lupin?" Madame Pomfrey snapped. "Surely to God you aren't having trouble sleeping again?"

Remus shook his head in frustration. He didn't suffer under any misconceptions that Madame Pomfrey was overly fond of him; it was common knowledge, at least to his close circle of friends, that the school's healer was afraid of what Remus was. It had been worst when he had first come, when he had relied on Madame Ponfrey to take him down to the Shrieking Shack to transform, but when he became old enough to take himself down to the Shrieking Shack, he didn't have as much contact with her. That is, until he had started having trouble sleeping. Adolescence hadn't been kind to him and he had once gone a week without a second of sleep. Sirius and James had carried Remus to the hospital wing after he collapsed from exhaustion in Transfiguration. Since then he had been coming regularly for a sleeping draught until a year ago when he had started sleeping regularly on his own. Even thought he could understand why Madame Pomfrey's fear made her act the way she did, he expected to be treated a little better than this. She was the matron; if she couldn't accept that someone could be ill in the middle of the night, then why was she still doing this job? Remus was sure that if it have been anyone else, she would have jumped at the very mention that someone was ailing.

"I'm sleeping just fine thank you," Remus muttered. "However, I can't say the same for my friend."

Madame Pomfrey sighed and closed the door in Remus' face. At first, he thought that she was going to ignore him, but as he was raising his hand to knock again, the door opened and Madame Pomfrey entered the ward robed in a pink dressing gown. Without sparing Remus a look, she walked to the only other bed that was occupied in the ward. The other bed had a curtain around it. A quick sniff of the air told Remus that the person was female... and smelled sweet.

Remus felt a lurch in the region on his stomach and quickened his pace to follow Madame Pomfrey. She was standing over Sirius, her face expressionless.

"He looks fine to me," she proclaimed, having only glanced at the black-haired boy. Remus bristled.

"He tried to jump off the Astronomy Tower," he said bluntly, not bothering to keep his voice down, despite the girl sleeping in the bed ten feet away. Remus no longer cared.

Madame Pomfrey narrowed her eyes, but, with a surprising swiftness for that time of night, she strode to the medicine pantry at the end of the ward. She disappeared inside and Remus heard her moving around. After riffling through the many potions kept there, she returned with two. Remus noticed a blue tear drop on a black field on one, but he couldn't see what the other bottle held.

"This is an anti-depressant," she explained, a note of concern finally colouring her tone. "I started thinking that I would need this potion more this year. That poor girl."

Remus thought it rather foolish to talk about Tessa in front of Sirius, especially in light of what he had tried to do to himself. But the matron was already getting Sirius to drink.

"This will also help him sleep it off," she murmured, so low that Remus started to wonder whether she was talking to him at all or just talking to herself for reassurance. After a minute she straightened up and retrieved a pair of pyjamas from the cabinet next to the bed. She handed them to Sirius with instructions to put them on. She then turned to Remus with a determined look in her eyes.

"Tell me what happened," she demanded, her hard voice not in any way matching the softness of her eyes. "You said he tried to jump off the Astronomy Tower?" She sounded shocked.

Remus nodded. "Yeah, or well, he did jump off the Astronomy Tower, only luckily I was there to bring him back up. I don't really understand why he did it; I mean, I do but it was more complicated than just 'I can't live without Tessa'. I remember him saying something about liking someone else now and feeling that he was betraying Tessa in some way. He wasn't exactly making that much sense. But when I brought him back up, he begged me to let him jump again and end it all... he's depressed and I don't think he should left alone for any amount of time just yet. Not until he's able to accept that Tessa is gone and nothing he can do will bring her back. And when he accepts that killing himself is not the answer." As he finished his explanation of the events of that evening, Remus thought he heard the girl in the bed behind the curtains stir. He paused, trying to catch some other sign of movement, but none came. So he focused his attention again on the matron and her stern expression.

"Hmmm," she intoned after a minute of absorbing what had happened. "It does seem that Black is suffering from depression, but I'm not sure how long I can keep him here. He does need to attend classes and I can't keep him asleep all the time. He's going to have to get over it, and fast, if he's planning on passing this year."

Remus frowned, not quite understanding something.

"What do you mean 'keep him asleep all the time'? Couldn't you just give him that potion to keep him happy?" he asked. "I thought that potion was an anti-depressant."

"Yes, it does repress suicidal tendencies, but one of its side effects is drowsiness. He'd be asleep all the time if I gave him this potion too much. Not too good for marks." Madame Pomfrey looked down her nose at him, making Remus feel as thought he had done something wrong. He shook himself of this feeling.

"Then what's that potion for?" he couldn't stop himself asking, motioning to the second potion that the matron held in her hand. He could see now that it was a sleeping drought.

To Remus' surprise, Madame Pomfrey smiled. She extended the potion to him, a knowing look him her now gentle eyes.

"For you," she said simply and she headed off in the direction of her rooms. "Good night, Remus. Sleep well."

Remus stared after her for a moment, then looked incredulously down at the bottle grasped in his right hand. A smile crept slowly across his features.

"Thank you. I will."

Having changed into the pyjamas that Madame Pomfrey had given him, Sirius had slipped between the sheets, eager for the potion to take effect and pull him under into darkness, where he could forget everything that had happened to him in the past two weeks. A numbness that had nothing to do with grief and everything to do with the anti-depressants he had been given filled his brain, erasing the need for thought and remembrance. Sirius had happily drifted away from the ward and into the realm of sleep.

But now, hours later, Sirius lay awake, listening to the soft sounds of the wind outside the high windows of the ward. There was only one other patient beside himself occupying a bed a little ways down. There were screens blocking this person from view, so Sirius couldn't see what gender the person was, let alone see who they were. So, with nothing better to do, Sirius lay on his back enjoying the strange numbness that still filled his brain.

Suddenly, the occupant of the screened bed stirred. Sirius could hear the sound of feet being placed lightly on the floor. Someone walked almost inaudibly to the side of his bed. Not particularly feeling up to talking to anyone, Sirius closed his eyes and pretended to be asleep. However he noted that the person standing at his bedside was female, or as far as he could tell she was, by the sound of her footfalls. They were much too dainty to be those of a male's.

"Sirius?"

The question came softly, almost hesitantly, and indeed the voice was female. In fact, the voice was very familiar... and very, very welcome. A little too welcome. This sudden urge to talk to this girl disturbed Sirius for some reason, but the numbness in his head blocked the reason for this from his memory. Shrugging the feeling away, Sirius opened his eyes.

The girl standing over him had long black hair and her blue eyes shone in the moonlight like two glittering lakes. Raven appeared even paler in the moonlight than she did during the day, her skin milky white and perfect. It looked so soft Sirius was caught with the sudden strong desire to touch it, to stroke her perfect face.

"Your awake." She sounded pleased.

Sirius grinned sleepily and nodded. He couldn't take his eyes off her; he was mesmerized.

"I heard Remus telling Madame Pomfrey what happened this evening," she told him, sitting on the edge of his bed and bringing her bare feet of the cold stone floor. "Oh, Sirius, why would you do such a thing? Jumping off the Astronomy Tower? Why?" Her beautiful eyes were filled with sadness.

Sirius blinked. Jumping off the Astronomy Tower? Had he really? He couldn't remember. That wonderful potion had blocked all of that from his head. But if this flawless creature said he had, he must have; something that divine couldn't possibly tell a lie. But why on earth would he do such a stupid thing? What was the point in trying to kill himself when this goddess was on talking terms with him? A twinge told him he should remember, that he would remember when the potion wore off, but right now the only thing Sirius knew or even cared about was keeping Raven with him for as long as possible.

"I'm not exactly sure right now," he whispered. "Madame Pomfrey gave me this potion, see, and now I can't remember a damn thing. You'll have to ask me another time, love." He gave her a grin. She smiled meekly back at him, then giggled at something he must have done, but which Sirius couldn't figure out, nor remember doing.

"What's so funny?" he asked, perplexed by her reaction. He would have thought that she would have been disappointed in his answer, maybe even a little annoyed, but the giggling had him completely thrown him for a loop.

"You called me 'love'," Raven replied simply, a playful light glimmering in her eyes. She giggled again.

Sirius shrugged, not really seeing how this could be taken in such an amusing manner. "So?"

It was Raven's turn to shrug. "I've never had a guy call me that before who wasn't a sleazebag. I like it so much better coming from you." A slight flush of embarrassment came to her cheeks and Sirius had to really fight the urge to lift his hand and touch her.

"I'm sorry," she said, quickly getting to her feet and backing away a bit. "I'm keeping you awake. I'll see you in the morning, Sirius. Sleep tight." She tiptoed back to bed, not giving Sirius any time to argue with her. She hadn't been keeping him awake. He had been doing that to himself just fine before she had come along. He figured she had been embarrassed that she had told him about the "love" comment and just wanted to escape before she embarrassed herself further.

Shrugging again, Sirius sighed and rolled over onto his side. Tiredness picked at his eyes and he wanted to drift into sleep again. He couldn't understand girls at the best of times, let alone when he was drugged at three o'clock in the morning. He would have to deal with Raven when he woke up later on.

"Where were you last night?"

Sirius sat across from his friends at the breakfast table the next morning. He had convinced Madame Pomfrey to let him go. He was feeling particularly light-hearted that morning and the hospital wing was simply depressing. Plus Raven had left before he had and he wanted to find her and talk to her again.

"Where do you think I was, Prongs?" Sirius asked, not really sure how to respond. How do you tell your best friend that you had tried to jump off the highest tower of Hogwarts castle, and succeeded?

"Well, Remus said that he found you in the hospital wing because you were having trouble sleeping and just wanted to get a good night's sleep," Peter told him, looking eager for the real reason he had been out. Sirius felt a rush of gratitude toward Remus; trust him to keep a secret good and quiet.

"Well, there you are then." Sirius buttered a slice of toast and bit off a piece. James and Peter looked both disappointed and relieved. Sirius smiled; his friends were so predictable.

"Neither of you have seen Raven Storme this morning, have you?" he asked casually, secretly hoping that they had. He was keen on continuing their conversation from the night before.

However, they both shook their heads.

"No, I haven't seen her at all," James answered, slopping a spoonful of jam on his own toast and spreading it carelessly. A dollop of raspberry jam fell into his lap. "Damn." James frowned and wiped at the sticky spot with a napkin.

"Smooth, James. Real smooth."

Remus slipped into the seat next to Sirius and grinned at his friend in amusement. Usually it was Peter who dropped his food on himself. Sirius piled eggs on his buttered toast and bit off a huge mouthful to stop himself from laughing. Instead, he just managed to make himself choke and splutter. Peter snickered, until Sirius gave him a murderous look. Peter gulped and fell silent.

But Sirius only laughed.

"I'm only kidding, Wormtail!" he exclaimed, his voice hoarse from the choking. Remus turned to look at Sirius as Peter started to giggle at the now obvious joke. Sirius' mood had certainly lightened since last night. In fact, if Remus hadn't seen the bottle that Madame Pomfrey had given him, he would have thought that it was all a dream. He saw now that he had been right not to tell James and Peter. They were Sirius' friends, too, but he didn't think that they would react well to being told that Sirius had actually jumped off the Astronomy Tower in the middle of the night.

"You look thoughtful this morning," Sirius noted, breaking through Remus' thoughts. "Why aren't you eating?" There was a note of concern in Sirius' voice that shouldn't be there. He didn't have the right to be concerned about other people when he had himself to take care of. But that was how Sirius had always been, making sure others were okay before thinking of himself. That was the reason he was training to become an Auror; he wanted to make sure he could protect his friends when the time came.

"I'm not really hungry," Remus explained. "I got a sleep potion from Madame Pomfrey, too, and I always find that I'm in no mood to eat after drinking one. I'll eat something at lunch."

Sirius set his fork down, his meal finished. "Well come on then. Let's leave these slowpokes behind and take a walk outside before class starts, shall we?" He got to his feet and waited for Remus to do the same. They walked in silence out of the buzzing Great Hall, into the Entrance Hall, and out the front doors. The sky was a gloomy grey, the ground covered in a thick blanket of swirling fog. Not what you'd call the perfect weather for walking.

They were twenty yards from the school when Sirius broke the silence at last.

"Thanks for not telling James and Peter about last night. I don't want them to find out." Sirius hung his head and avoided Remus' eyes.

The werewolf smiled knowingly.

"I didn't think you'd want them to know," he acknowledged. "I kind of assumed that this would be another one of those just-between-us kind of things. Plus I didn't know how they were going to react to your... well-"

"Jumping off the Astronomy Tower?" Sirius offered quietly, looking off toward the lake with a strange expression on his face. "Listen, Remus: I'm-"

Remus held up a hand to stop him. "Don't, Sirius. There's nothing to be sorry about and nothing to thank me about. You would have done the same for me. It was simply... instinct, I guess you could call it. I mean, I did want to save you from... offing yourself, but it could have been Snape and I would have done the same thing. I know you understand." He fell silence, not really knowing how to continue.

Sirius stopped and observed his friend for a moment. There was a pause in which Remus thought that Sirius was going to accuse him of something; there was such a look of hatred on his face. But instead, against all logic, Sirius threw himself on Remus, gripping him in a rib-cracking hum. So it had been self-loathing, he thought. Awkwardly, Remus patted his friend on the back, until Sirius stepped away, wiping his eyes.

"I'm a despicable person," he muttered, hunching his shoulders and heading back toward the castle. "It's bad enough that I make myself miserable, but now I'm confusing you, too." He let out a long breath and raised his head higher. "I should be stronger than this; I have to get over this. I feel better this morning," he added, sounding like he was trying to convince himself as much as he was Remus. "I met Raven last night in the hospital wing." Sirius put his foot on the first step up to the front doors. "I think I love her, Remus, and that's what's screwing me up. Come on, we're going to be late for class."