What Lies Within

Chapter Four - The First Wave

Everything went numb.

All Sirius was aware of was a loud buzzing in his ears. Then suddenly through the mass of bees came a faint thudding, getting louder, slowly pounding in his head. Vaguely, he realized that the thudding was the beating of his own heart. Looking up, feeling the stupid grin that had twisted his features melt from his face, he could see that Dumbledore was still talking to the school, but he couldn't hear what he was saying. The edges of his vision were blurred and foggy and it was harder than usual to focus his eyes. Lost in a haze, Sirius got clumsily to his feet, his open mouth going very dry. Feeling dizzy, he braced himself against the table. He was only barely aware that his friends and all those sitting close to him were staring mercilessly at him as he staggered. Sensing movement in the foggy limits of his vision, Sirius turned his head in time to see Professor McGonagall get abruptly to her feet. A single thought burst unexpectedly through all the white noise in his head.

Tessa is dead.

Not wanting to be around all these people anymore, wanting to be by himself so he could cope, shut down, sleep, Sirius reeled toward the doors that led into the Entrance Hall. Someone called his name, but he wasn't listening, didn't want to listen, to hear, to live. As he reached the double doors, the stares of the students boring into his back, he pushed and nearly fell into the Entrance Hall. Glorious silence greeted him, enveloped him, consumed him, filling every particle of his existence until there wasn't the need for thought, for emotion, the need to breathe. Sirius's breath caught in his chest and the room spun, but he continued onward toward a destination undetermined from the start.

Tessa is dead.

The though broke the blessed silence filling him and he found he couldn't continue, couldn't keep heading toward that unknown destination, the unknown paradise, the unknown dungeon. A noise behind him made him stop in his tracks. It was the sound of footsteps approaching softly, cautiously, carefully. Sirius shuddered and grabbed hold of the banister to keep his balance. He didn't want to acknowledge the person coming to break his peace, didn't want to face the intruder who he resented, begrudged, envied. They couldn't know the pain that was filling every particle of his being at that very moment. He loved her, goddammit, she was his...

"Sirius?"

The shakiness of the voice caught him off guard. He had expected the harsh yet reassuring bark of Professor McGonagall; instead he heard the voice of a student, a girl.

"Sirius, are you alright?"

What a stupid question. How could he be alright? He had just lost the only girl he had ever loved, and she expected him to be alright, completely fine with it? Stupid girl.

"Sirius, please come back into the Hall. Everyone is so worried about you. Please."

The voice was familiar. Sirius got the vague impression that he had recently talked to this stranger, this known-yet-unknown entity. The voice quivered with emotion, not only trying to convince him to return to the light, but trying to repress some deeper pain threatening to surface and engulf him. But who could feel this pain, other than he? Who had loved Tessa as much as he? Who...

"Sirius, please, I'm begging you."

Sirius, unable to stop himself out of curiosity, turned and looked upon the face of his tormentor.

It was Raven.

"Sirius, please-"

"I'm not going back in there," he spat venomously, turning away from her once again, turning back to darkness.

"But I've told Professor McGonagall that I'd see to it that you were alright," Raven pleaded, both white hands clasped together over her stomach as thought she was going to be sick. "I think she wants to see that you're okay-"

"I don't care what Professor McGonagall wants," Sirius barked, making her jump. "Why doesn't she just go-"

"Sirius!" Raven gasped, her eyes filling with tears in the dim light. "She's just worried about you. I'd have thought that you'd show come appreciation for that."

"I didn't ask her to nose into my business, so you can just go back and tell her that I want to be left alone. You hear me? GO!" Sirius started climbing the marble staircase as fast as he could. Raven, caught off guard, jumped after him, trying desperately to keep up with his considerably larger leaps.

"Sirius, come back!" she called, starting to lose her breath. "Okay, you don't have to come back into the Hall, but at least wait for me!"

Sirius snorted as loud as he could, hoping that she could hear him. Wait for her? Why should he? She wasn't the one who had lost her girlfriend. Hadn't he already made it clear that he wanted to be left alone? His footsteps echoed off the walls as he marched stubbornly up the corridor, followed closely by Raven's footfalls as he determinedly followed him. What was her problem? Why couldn't she just accept that he was fine and that he didn't want to be in her company, or the company of anyone for that matter?

As they reached the nearest boys washroom, Sirius decided that he had had enough and that it was time to ditch his shadow.

"Look," he said exasperatedly, turning around to face Raven again, "I appreciate your concern about my wellbeing, but let me assure you, I'm fine! I just want to be left alone! Is that so much to ask?" And with that he turned and entered the washroom.

There was a sound of frustration outside the washroom and Sirius grinned to himself. Maybe now she would give up and give him up for a lost cause. Sirius cast a glance at himself in the mirror and nearly jumped.

He was deathly pale in the candlelight and there were darkish circles around his eyes. There was even a slight sweat breaking out on his forehead. He looked like death warmed over.

The sound of the door opening behind him made him turn in anger, expecting to see Raven back for another round. And he wasn't disappointed; but she didn't look to be in a pleading mood. If Sirius had actually noticed the look on her face, he wouldn't have said what he did next. But not having noticed anything except the fact that Raven was back, he want ahead and blurted it out.

"What the hell is your problem?! Just leave me alone! You don't know what I'm going through, so don't tell me you understand! I'm the one who lost my girlfriend, not you, so-"

Sirius was cut off by Raven flying at him. She grabbed him by the front of his robed and pushed him up against the wall. Though Sirius was much larger than Raven, her anger seemed to give her preternatural strength (this might have also been because Sirius was so surprised, he had no time to react before being pinned against hard stone). Raven glared daggers at him from less than a foot away.

"Listen, you asshole, don't you think for a moment that you're the only one feeling anything," she spat, her eyes narrowed in pain and hatred. "Don't you dare think that you're the only one who cared about Tessa, because you're not! You weren't the only one who loved her, you know. She was by best friend! She was the only one who accepted me for who I was and didn't shun me because I have different tastes than everyone else. She was a beautiful person and she didn't deserve to die. I know you were in love with her, Sirius, I really do, but you're not the only one who cared about her. Tessa was like the big sister I never had, always looking out for me when other people thought I was a freak, and telling me that it was okay to be different, to be separate from the crowd. She cared for me, and I loved her for it. So don't stand there and tell me that I don't know what you're feeling, because I'm feeling it too." Tears welling up in her eyes and she turned away to hide her weakness.

Sirius just stood in shock for around forty-three seconds; just stood without blinking, breathing, or doing any other sort of bodily function. And it wasn't until he started to get dizzy again that he realized that he had been holding his breath. His back was still pressed against the wall of the bathroom and in the flickering light of the candles he could see that Raven was wiping away tears. She turned defiantly toward him and gave him another glare as if daring him to contradict her spiel, but he couldn't bring himself to say anything. Indeed, he didn't want to contradict her at all. She was right; he was being an asshole. How could he have thought that he was the only to have loved Tessa? Deep down, he knew that Tessa was close to Raven; they were like sisters most of the time. Sirius mentally slapped himself for his stupid attitude. He looked up at Raven, opening his mouth intending to apologize, and...

Broke down.

Sirius let himself slide to the floor and sit numbly. Something snapped. Tears welled up in his eyes as the full weight of what had happened fell on him. He felt like he was drowning in despair, physically falling into the depths of his misery. He was only vaguely aware that Raven was by his side again, kneeling down beside him, putting her arms around him... Under normal circumstances, he would have been quite pleased about this, as Raven was very pretty, but Sirius couldn't muster any sort of happen emotion from his brain; it was clogged with horribly happy memories of Tessa. Tessa smiling as she opened her Christmas present from him, Tessa laughing at his jealousy over her attention to her ex, Tessa kissing him, hands in his hair, his arms around her thin frame...

"Shhh, it's okay... it's okay..."

Raven rocked him gently, cooing soothingly to him. Sirius didn't know how long they sat there, rocking back and forth, back and forth. All he knew was that it was very comforting to have someone who knew what he was going through be with him, hum softly to him.

Some while later, Sirius lifted his head off her shoulder and dried his tears.

"I'm sorry," he muttered, getting to his feet. "I didn't mean to break down like that. I guess I'm just tired..."

"Don't be like that," Raven scolded. "You're not tired, you're in shock. Losing someone isn't easy. I'd be more worried if you didn't react at all. It's only natural to cry... and don't let the other guys tell you that it's not. Everyone deals with grief in his or her own way. Some people cry, some don't, some people have to laugh to deal with their pain, some people just need to confide in someone. My mother had to clean the entire house when my grandfather died, just to keep her sanity. If you feel like you need to cry, don't stop yourself because it's not manly to cry, or because one of your friends thinks that it isn't cool."

Sirius smiled wetly and nodded. "Thanks. I'll remember that."

Raven smiled back. "You do that. And don't beat yourself up, Sirius. It wasn't your fault that the - er - evil forces were after the O'Rileys. There was nothing you could do about it; it was out of our hands. Fate, I guess you could call it." Raven sighed and got to her feet too. "It's probably best that we get to bed. Classes start tomorrow and no doubt the teachers will have a review test made up to make sure that we haven't forgotten how to use a wand. I'll see you in the morning."

Raven headed for the door, opened it, and stepped out of sight into the corridor beyond. Hastening to catch up with her, Sirius jumped through the door, and called after her, "Goodnight!" Sirius bit his lip, wondering whether or not she was going to respond.

Halfway down the corridor, Raven paused and turned around. From that distance, Sirius couldn't make out her expression, but a moment later she called back.

"Goodnight."

Satisfied that he hadn't been rude in anyway to his saviour, Sirius set off toward Gryffindor tower. It had to be past midnight, he thought miserably, dragging his feet, not really wanting to enter the company of his three friends and the other boy with which he shared a dormitory. He wasn't ready to deal with the sympathy yet. All he needed was a good night's sleep; he didn't need to be asked whether he was alright.

He wasn't.

To Sirius' immense relief, the common room was mercifully empty of his fellow classmates. He had a hunch that this was in part because of one Remus Lupin. Whoever had suggested that they not stay up to comfort him, Sirius was grateful towards them. It was one thing to be held and comforted by Raven, but he didn't think he could stand seventy people crowding around him, patting him on the back and telling him that he would be fine and that they were sorry for his loss. No matter what Raven said, he wasn't going to let anyone see him cry. He didn't know whether it had something to do with being male or his ego or whatever, but he just knew that if he let someone see him cry, it would be like sitting naked before the whole school and he would never live that down.

Sirius crept up the spiral staircase and turned the knob on his dormitory's door. Praying to the powers that the door wouldn't decide to squeak upon opening, Sirius snuck into the room and closed the door softly behind him without a sound. Safe behind the hangings of his four-poster, Sirius sighed and closed his eyes. The memories were still there, reminding him of the pain that his soul was in, of the turmoil inside.

Tessa soaking her feet in the cool waters of the lake, Tessa kissing him goodbye at the end of last year, Tessa's soft body pinned beneath him, Tessa breathing softly, sleeping peacefully next to him after just having made love...

"Should we wake him up?"

"I don't know... he looks so peaceful."

Sirius frowned and tried harder to block out the annoying voices that were invading his subconscious. He hadn't slept well all night, his sleep being punctuated with nightmares of moving shadows and hidden faces. Even so, he didn't appreciate being kept awake by these malicious spirits intent on preventing his peace.

"But it's seven thirty... classes start in half an hour! Don't you think we should get him up?"

Sirius groaned and turned over. Classes, was that what this was about? How could anyone expect him to attend class feeling the way he did? But Sirius knew there was more to this argument. His classes would help keep his mind off Tessa. Hell, this was his seventh year! His most important year, for crying out loud! He couldn't just blow off his classes just because of a little discontent. He had essays to write, potions to brew, spells to cast and homework to complete. Sirius could see Professor McGonagall's face now:

"Black, I know you are mourning the loss of Miss O'Riley, but I'm afraid I cannot let you skive off classes. Now be off with you and good day!"

Resigning to the fact that his imaginary McGonagall was right, Sirius reluctantly opened his eyes.

The malicious spirits turned out to be James and Remus. Both looked worried and both were already dressed for school. They seemed surprised that he had already been awake, but their faces relaxed when Sirius threw his feet over the edge of the bed and got to his feet. James gave his friend a hesitant smile.

"How do you feel?" he asked softly, seemingly expecting Sirius' infamous short temper to flare.

Sirius managed a grin and ran his fingers through his tousled hair. "Miserable, but I can't let that stop me can I?" Remus and James laughed uneasily as Sirius headed for the bathroom for a quick shower.

By the time Sirius was ready to go down for breakfast, it was quarter to eight.

"We'd better hurry," Remus said as they flew down the marble staircase and into the Entrance Hall. "We only have ten minutes to eat."

"Why don't we just skip breakfast this morning and go right to classes?" James suggested, casting a glance at Sirius, who hadn't said a thing since they had left the common room. But Remus shook his head.

"We can't, not this morning. We have to get our timetables, remember?" Remus grinned at James. "Can't exactly head to class without knowing what class we have, can we?"

James mumbled something that sounded to Sirius like, "Stupid timetables," as they sat down across from Peter at the Gryffindor table. Peter was holding three timetables and had laid out eggs and bacon for his three companions.

"Here," he said, handing them each their timetable. "I've already checked and I don't have any classes with you guys this today." Peter looked downcast. "I have double Herbology first, Moony, you have double Defence Against the Dark Arts with Padfoot, and Prongs, you have double Transfiguration. It's going to be an interesting year." Peter hung his head and studied a hole in the tablecloth.

Sirius reached across the table, put a bracing hand on Peter's shoulder, and, swallowing his huge mouthful of eggs, said, "Don't worry, Wormtail. We'll still see each other at meals and in the common room. It's not like you won't ever see us again. We still have Potions together, don't we?" His tone was hopeful, but Peter shook his head.

"I didn't make it into the NEWT level Potions class. I've got Magical Theory Studies instead. Sounds interesting eh?" Peter sighed. "It was the only thing I could find to replace Potions. And you can only take it in NEWT year, so I'll be fine... Along with the Etude of Romantic Languages course I'm taking, it might help me get a position in the Department of International Magical Standards and Regulations in the Experimental Spells division. That's what I'm aiming for anyway."

James stopped chewing and swallowed abruptly.

"Wow, Wormtail! I never knew that you were going into the Ministry, and a position in the Experimental Spells division would be really good! How come you never told us?"

Peter shrugged. "You never asked."

James was about to say something, but Remus cut him off.

"We've got to go, we only have three minutes to get to class!" he exclaimed, grabbing up his bag and pulling Sirius and James to their feet. "See you at lunch, Wormtail!" And with that, Sirius, James, and Remus all tore out of the Great Hall. Up the marble staircase two steps at a time, they raced down corridor after corridor, taking secret shortcuts wherever possible. On the third floor, Sirius and Remus turned right and James turned left.

"See you both at lunch!" he called over his shoulder as he ran full out towards McGonagall's classroom.

Sirius and Remus both waved, but were too out of breath to say anything. The Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom was on the sixth floor and they only had a minute left. Sirius cursed in his head. Why hadn't they just wakened him instead of feeling sorry for him? Now they were going to be late for their first class of the year and it was going to be all his fault. Up another flight of stairs, down another hidden passageway behind a hanging tapestry, and through a door with an invisible doorknob. Finally, all they had was one last flight of stairs to climb and they would be outside their Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom. With two steps to go, the bell rang, signifying the start of class.

"Oh, damn!" Sirius heard Remus hiss, and they sped up. Around one last corner and the queue of students waiting to enter the classroom was in sight. Everyone went silent as Remus and Sirius skidded to a halt, which gave Sirius the impression that they had been talking about him, or at least about Tessa's death. Having partially forgotten his grief in the face of Peter's disappointment, Sirius was hit again with the harsh reality of his situation. His chest was still burning from the run, but the pain was grounding.

"Sirius Black?"

Sirius looked up in surprise to see a sandy-haired boy approach him with his hand stuck out. He had a pleasant expression on his face, but Sirius wasn't in the mood for chatting. He just stared at the boy.

"My name's Arnold McMillan. I'm terribly sorry about your lost."

Sirius took the boys offered hand reluctantly and nodded in acknowledgement.

"Was Tessa a close friend of yours?" McMillan asked tentatively, the pleasant expression still visible in his features.

This question took Sirius aback. Why the hell did this random boy care? What business was it of his?

"She was my girlfriend," Sirius said bitterly, his face expressionless, showing nothing of the torment inside.

The boy seemed taken aback.

"Oh," he said, his eyebrows shooting up towards his hairline.

"Why?" Sirius narrowed his eyes.

"Er - it's nothing... just that I thought Tessa O'Riley was a - er -"

Sirius was thoroughly nonplussed.

"A what?"

The boy hesitated, clearly not wanting to get Sirius mad. When he didn't answer Sirius asked again.

"A what?"

"A - er -"

"Well?"

"Lesbian."

Everyone went quiet again. Sirius' temper flared.

"Why the hell does it matter?"

McMillan shrunk back. "It's nothing, forget it. I just didn't see how she could be your girlfriend if she likes - liked girls, that's all. I'm sorry."

"Well then, taking into account that that she liked girls, yet was also my girlfriend, wouldn't it stand to reason that she was bi? Do you have a problem with that?"

"No, I just... I'm sorry... I - "

But McMillan was cut off by the door of the classroom opening. Professor Carey, the gothic teacher whom Sirius had noticed the night before, stood before them all, her imposing figure blocking the students' view of the classroom beyond.

"Welcome, students. You may now enter."

She stood back and the queue of students filed into their first class of the year.