What Lies Within

Chapter Six - The Second Wave

Despite the feeling at lunch on their first day, the first two weeks of school passed with amazing speed for the four friends. As anticipated, their classes were much more taxing and all their free time was taken up by homework (and sleep, but that was only secondary). So far, Sirius had written five essays, read a complete study guide assigned by his Arithmancy teacher, brewed twelve potions for Slughorn, and answered "a hundred and one questions you might have had about venomous Tentacular seeds, but were afraid to ask" - "What the hell?! A hundred and one?! Does Sprout honestly expect us to answer all these? I don't even know what a venomous Tentacular is!" - in Herbology. However, as always, their first two days had been the most memorable.

In Transfiguration, McGonagall had started off the year with a bang. In their first class, Sirius, Remus, and James had sat at the front... and instantly regretted it. After McGonagall had transformed them back from cats, she had outlined what they would be doing that term.

"Human transformations," she had put it simply, a slight smile playing at the corners of her mouth. "However easy it might appear, transforming a human being, the most complex living creature, is not a stroll in the park. It will probably take most of you from now until Christmas to master it... if you master it at all. Many qualified wizards and witches have immense difficulty with human transformations. Then you must calculate in the complexity of the creature into which you are transfiguring the human. Now divide yourselves into partners and practice the incantation on the board silently. Ten points to the first person to make a change to their partner's appearance. I wish you all luck." McGonagall had seemed to be enjoying their frustration, In the end, it was Lily Evans who had won the ten points; she had had the great misfortune of being partnered with James (no one had really known how that had happened, but Sirius and Remus had a suspicion that it was something of James' doing). Sirius and Remus figured that it was her hatred for James that gave her the power to give him a beak; James figured it was her love for him.

In Charms, Flitwick explained that they would be covering secrecy charms.

"I can't wait!" Remus had whispered to Sirius during their first class. "James will never tell anyone who I like again!" James had found this thought very amusing; after class, he voiced aloud rather huffily the thought that, in that case, maybe he wouldn't confide in them anymore - "Really? You mean it? YAY!"

Potions was, as usual, predictable. Slughorn still had his favourites (Sirius and Lily) and was just as heavy as ever - "I'm sure he could afford to lose a stone... for twenty." "Yes, but he might die of cardiac arrest from lack of crystallized pineapple. I've heard withdrawal symptoms can do that to one."

Herbology was just as earthy and smelly as ever... and itchy, definitely itchy. Enough said.

As Sirius was the only one taking Arithmancy in his group, no one really cared much about it. When either James, Remus, or Peter asked what Sirius was working on, if he said Arithmancy, they immediately changed the subject. It wasn't as if Sirius found it hard and griped a lot about it, it was that no one else could manage to understand what the hell all the numbers and equations meant. It was "too confusing for your small minds," as Sirius put it one night.

"I don't have a small mind," Peter replied, drawing what appeared to Sirius to be a fuzzy bunny in the margin of his parchment. He was working on an essay for his newest class Magical Theory Studies.

"Oh, of course you don't, Wormtail," Remus said soothingly, peering at the doodles. "That's a very good bush, by the way." Remus smiled encouragingly at him. Peter frowned.

"But it's not a bush... it's a cow."

Remus's face went blank.

"Oh."

He then retreated behind a book on Astrology. Sirius wondered when he would notice that the book was upside down. An award silence ensued, in which, James polished his broom handle, Sirius continued his Arithmancy equations, Remus righted his book and actually started reading it, and Peter gave his cow an Afro.

In Defence Against the Dark Arts, Carey had now moved them onto Lethifolds, dark creatures like black cloaks that digest their victims slowly by enveloping them. Morbid to say the least, but it was righteously fascinating. One class, Carey came into the class carrying what appeared to be a glass box lined with black velvet. She laid the box on her desk and turned smiling back to the class. There was a gleam in her eye.

"Can anyone tell me what this is?" she asked smoothly.

"A crystal ball case!" Lillian Abbott exclaimed, sitting up in her seat. "My grandfather has one! Oh, but I've never seen one made of glass before!" Abbott's face was lit up with a huge smile.

"That may be because this isn't a crystal ball case, but a good guess anyway." Carey smiled slightly at the disappointed look on Lillian's face. She was about to say something else when she noticed Raven's hand in the air.

"Yes, Miss Storme?"

"It's a Lethifold, Professor."

The whole class, save about four people, gasped (those four people just happened to be Sirius, Remus, Snape, and Lily).

"Oh, but Professor!" shrieked the girl in the front row. "I thought they were known wizard killers! Isn't it against some sort of ministry policy-"

"I'm quite aware of the nature of this creature, Megan, and yes, it is against Ministry policy to bring it into the classroom today, but I would expect you to compose yourself a little better than this! This is an advanced Defence Against the Dark Arts class, for powers' sake! If you are so surprised about such a little thing as a Lithifold, then how are you to cope with that which we have yet to cover?" Carey sounded scarily like McGonagall.

"But, Professor, they're dangerous-"

"Hush your tongue, Megan, or you can leave this class right now! I'm surprised at you! All of you! I thought you would all jump at the chance to see first hand what we are learning! Surely you don't think I'll let it out of the box?" Carey raised an eyebrow and glared at the class.

Everyone hung their heads.

The rest of the class went rather smoothly. Professor Carey got back into her element and made the box bigger so the class could see more of the Lethifold. It was surely a magnificent creature and Sirius concluded that you could appreciate its graceful nature more when it wasn't trying to eat you.

After class, while everyone was filing out, Professor Carey put a hand on Sirius' shoulder to stop him. "Black, a word if you will."

Perturbed, and just a little curious, Sirius stopped and waited by Carey's desk until all the students had left.

"Shall I wait for you, Sirius?" Remus called from the door. He looked just as curious as Sirius felt.

"Naw, I'll catch up," Sirius called back, shaking his head.

Remus nodded and left. Now Sirius and Carey were alone in the shadowy class and Sirius was more than curious about why Carey had made him stay behind. Finally, Carey sat behind her desk and looked up at him. Her expression was grim.

"Black, I just wanted to ask how you're coming along."

Sirius found this a rather strange question, but didn't voice this thought; he had a feeling that Carey wouldn't appreciate it. He waited for perhaps something else that he might know how to respond to, but nothing came. Carey just sat with her fingertips placed together on the desktop, staring up at him with her strangely purple eyes.

"Um... I'm not sure what you mean, Professor," Sirius said cautiously, trying not to sound rude. He wasn't sure if Carey would explode at him or not; she was that unpredictable.

"I mean after what happened to Miss O'Riley," Carey explained, blinking up at him. "Professor McGonagall voiced her concern for your mental health this morning to me and I assured her that I would talk to you." A slight smile tugged at the corners of Carey's mouth at McGonagall's worry for his "mental health." "So how are you?"

Sirius paused, thinking. How was he? He wasn't sure. Actually, he had tried, unsuccessfully, to put Tessa's death out of him mind... until now...

"I'm..." he started, unsure of how to describe how he was feeling.

"Conflicted?"

"Yes."

"I understand it isn't easy coping with the loss of loved ones, and you certainly aren't showing it in your marks. You're a top-notch student, Black, and I'm proud to have you in my class. But I am also concerned for your psyche, if that is the proper way to put it." Carey got to her feet and walked around her desk to face Sirius. Her pale face shone in the light from the fire and candles. "I want to you tell me if you are having any trouble with coping, Black, if ever you find that you can't deal with it anymore. Grief does tend to dissipate with time, but classes make it hard to grieve properly."

Sirius nodded, trying not to look too disturbed. This was turning out to be the strangest talk Sirius had ever had with a teacher. Since when had a teacher ever cared about his "mental health?"

"Now go eat lunch before I scare you so much you never want to return to my class. Go on!"

Sirius gladly ran from the room, throwing a half-smile over his shoulder as he went. Yes, Professor Carey was certainly a cool teacher. Out in the corridor, as Sirius was heading toward the stairs, someone came up behind him.

"Hey, Sirius! Wait up!"

Sirius turned around in time to see Raven running toward him. A strange emotion filled him; at once it was both uplifting and dark. The two half-emotions battled one another as Raven drew closer, and finally the up-lifted one won. Sirius smiled.

"How are you?" Raven asked, finally catching up and smiling back at him, her eyes soft, caring. Sirius was shocked to notice for the first time how pretty she was, with her pale skin and black hair. He noticed how white her teeth were (of all things) and how the light reflected in her strangely light-blue eyes. How soft her full lips were and how the curves of her body weren't completely hidden beneath the robes... Sirius shook his head to rid it of these thoughts and shrugged.

"I'm not bad, I guess. How about you? How're your classes going this year?" Sirius tried to sound interested, but really his mind was elsewhere. Like pondering the strange new emotion that now filled him to bursting point.

"They're great, thanks!" Raven chirped energetically, almost skipping down the stairs. Sirius wondered what had made her so happy.

"What were you studying to be?" he asked, almost apologetically. It was the question everyone was asking these days, at least the seventh years were.

"A healer." A dreamy expression crossed her face as she thought of her future job. "It's not easy, but nothing worth doing ever is. What is you were studying for?" she added, turning to look at him again.

"An Auror," he replied simply. No need to sound smug and say that he was finding it rather easy. To tell the truth, he had always found their classes rather easy. And he enjoyed most of them... except Herbology. There was just something about the way that Professor Sprout's preferred type of fertilizer always managed to find its way into his robes that just didn't appeal to him. He wasn't like Peter.

"Sirius?"

"Hmm?"

"You still with me here?"

"Huh?"

Sirius realized that he had zoned out and had unconsciously stopped on the stairs. He had been doing a lot of that lately, just completely spacing out so that one of his friends would have to punch him on the arm to catch his attention again.

"Oh, I'm sorry," he sighed, starting to walk again. "I must have... well, yeah."

Raven smiled sympathetically, understanding evident in her blue eyes. "Yeah, I find myself doing that, too. Ever since..." The smile faded and the misted look returned. She ducked her head. "I'm sorry, Sirius. I didn't mean..."

Sirius shook his head.

"It's alright. It doesn't bother me," he assured her in a cheery voice that even sounded false to him. "Listen, I'll catch you later, okay? I've got to change my books before going down to lunch. See you."

"Okay, bye." Raven sounded worried but Sirius didn't notice; he was already headed back up the stairs.

In Raven's absence, the dark emotion that had battled his happiness earlier beat back the up-lifting feeling and settled in the pit of his stomach. He was suddenly glad to have decided to skip lunch and go back to the common room where there weren't any people to bother him.

As suspected, the common room was practically empty, the exception being a couple of fifth years trying desperately to finish their Charms homework for after lunch. Convinced he wouldn't be disturbed, Sirius sunk into his favourite armchair by the fire. He flung his bag to the floor as he spiralled downward into misery. With nothing now to distract him, Sirius's mind wondered back to the first night back at Hogwarts, back to when he had first heard those dreaded words escape from Dumbledore's mouth, back to the terrible numbness, the inescapable misery, back to the frustration...

Back to the bathroom.

Comfortably wedged in the armchair, Sirius let his mind wonder further. He recalled the bathroom with its bright candles casting flickering shadows on the walls, his own haggard reflection in the looking glass, the smell of Raven's robes as she held him...

At this disturbing thought, Sirius sat up straight aware for the first time that he had been dozing. He looked around the common room, looking for the two fifth years, but they were gone. In fact there wasn't a sound to be heard. Getting panicky, Sirius glanced at his watched and saw to his horror that he had ten minutes to get to class.

He jumped to his feet, though he would have rather stayed forever in the armchair, wallowing in his own self-pity. Sirius tried to forget again, tried to push the painful memories out of his mind, as he had been doing for the last fortnight, but it was impossible. Now that he had finally thought about them again, they stubbornly refused to move, sinking their agonizing claws into his brain, making it impossible to pay attention.

Eventually, Sirius reached McGonagall's classroom, thirty seconds before the bell rang. He noticed that James and Remus weren't in their seats. He also noticed that McGonagall was in one of her infamous black moods. Her lips were as thin as Sirius had ever seen them and her eyes blazed with some sort of repressed anger. Something in her stance made Sirius glad that he hadn't been late for class.

The same good fortune did not frequent James and Remus.

They arrived five minutes late, panting and red faced. McGonagall stopped in the middle of her sentence to glare unmercifully at them. They both blanched visibly. Sirius bit his lip, anticipating the tempest.

"Sorry, Professor, that we're so late," Remus started in his most polite tone (which was extremely polite) "But you see, we had to-"

Remus never got to finish his sentence.

"How dare you be late for class, Lupin, Potter!?" McGonagall screeched swooping down on them like some sort of huge bat. "Class started five minutes ago! If you can't make it on time, then please tell me and I will see to it that you are excused permanently from my class! You've been in this school for seven years, been in my class for seven years! Surely to God you haven't forgotten how to get here?!" She was bearing down on James and Remus and they were backing away warily, looking almost afraid.

"But, Professor," protested James in a feeble voice, "Peter got stuck in a trick step and-"

"So Mr. Pettigrew was also late?! Good, then you can all serve detention tonight together! Be here in this room at five thirty, sharp! Otherwise, you will all suffer the consequences! Do you understand me? You both and Pettigrew here to serve detention tonight until what time I see fit to let you go!"

"But Professor!"

"Do - you - understand - me?!" McGonagall yelled, cutting James off.

"Yes, Professor."

"Yes, Professor."

"Good." McGonagall stormed up to the front of the class and resumed talking as though she had never been interrupted.

"I wonder what's got her knickers in a knot?" James muttered darkly after class as they made their way to Potions. Sirius shrugged, more depressed than ever. Remus was still white with fright. "Imagine, detention! Just for being five minute late for class! And we have that essay on Lethifolds to write for Carey! For tomorrow! I haven't even started it yet! Oh well, I guess it could still be worse. The old bat could've taken points from Gryffindor as well-"

And as though she had heard him, they heard a voice yell after them down the corridor:

"And fifty points from Gryffindor!"

James' mouth dropped open and Remus closed his eyes, looking dejected.

"Can you believe her?" James demanded. "Shit! And we were ahead, too!" He let out a cry of exasperation making a violent gesture in the air.

"I'll see you both at supper," Remus muttered, sulking off toward the common room (Remus wasn't taking Potions. Potion brewing had never been his strong point).

"See you," James muttered back, scuffing the toe of his shoe as he walked. Sirius just kept his silence. They walked without a ord for a few moments, then James started ranting again. "It's not the detention that bothers me. Hell, I've served enough detentions to be completely immune to feeling bad about them. It's the principle behind the detention that gets me. I mean, I can see, yes we were late for class, and I would condone taking ten points from both of us at the most. But detention! That's going way too far. Oooh, I'd like to get my hands on her and-"

And he continued in this fashion all the way to the Potions' dungeon. They waited in the back of a group until Slughorn opened the door (James was still ranting on about all the things he'd like to do to McGonagall, but quieter now, under his breath, so that Slughorn wouldn't hear him). It wasn't until they had actually taken their seats that he changed the subject.

"What I wouldn't give to skive off this class today!" James muttered to Sirius as Slughorn started talking, somehow managing to compliment Evans in the process of explaining something completely unrelated. Sirius didn't respond to his friend, however. He was looking, not at the teacher, but slightly to the right at a girl with long black hair sitting next to Evans.

"The Fertilius Potion is quite a finicky thing. It must be brewed at exactly ninety nine degrees Celsius, just one degree under the boiling point," Slughorn was saying, pacing up and down in front of the class. With difficulty, Sirius tore his eyes away from Raven and watched uninterestedly as Slughorn laid out their assignment for the day.

To make the Fertilius Potion.

"What is this supposed to do again?" James breathed fifteen minutes later.

Sirius looked at him with an absent expression on his face, his mouth hanging open slightly. "Are you kidding me?" he demanded. "You think I was really paying attention? Shows how much you were paying attention!" No matter how jovial the words may have been, Sirius's tone of voice was flat and distracted.

James' brow furrowed, but he said nothing. He was used to his friend's sudden mood swings. He turned his attention instead to the task at hand: brewing a Fertilius Potion without making a complete fool of himself.

Sirius was trying to do the same thing, but he was less worried about the later; most of his attention was focused on Raven's long black hair. The emotion he felt was confusing, not because he hadn't felt it before, but simply because he was feeling it. Sirius felt a nudge in his ribs and turned to look at James.

"No matter how lost I may be, I'm pretty sure that Tubar worms appear nowhere in the ingredients list." James looked pointedly at the Tubar worm that Sirius was about to gut.

"Oh, yeah, thanks."

Needless to say, it was an interesting Potions class. James succeeded in completely massacring his potion, mostly due to the fact that he had been casting glances at Evans when he was supposed to be watching for tiny bubbles. To make a long story short, "Troll" was too good a rating for James' concoction... or what was left of it. Though preoccupied, Sirius hadn't done such a bad job. It wasn't the perfect teal that Evans' or Snape's was, but it wasn't like James' catastrophe either.

The common room that night was very silent, caused on the most part by a distinct absence of James, Remus, and Peter. Sirius sat by himself for most of the evening, finishing parts of his homework for the next day. He was just finishing up the essay for Carey on Lethifolds when someone sat down in the chair beside him. Surprised, Sirius looked up into the very green eyes of Lily Evans. She was smiling at him and Sirius tried as hard as he could to smile back, but it came out looking more like a grimace.

"Finished your essay for Carey?" Lily asked, casting a glance over his neat roll of parchment. Sirius just nodded, not really in the mood to speak, but not wanting to be rude and ignore her. She was much too nice for that.

"You look tired, Sirius," she told him, peering into his eyes. "Are you having trouble sleeping?" She looked worried. Sirius made a derisive noise in his throat.

"I haven't slept right for two weeks. Can you blame me?" Sirius rolled up his parchment to give himself something to look at instead of Lily's searching eyes. "Nothing to worry about though; superheroes don't need sleep." He grinned at her, and he could see that she remembered the reference from the year before.

In March, Tessa had taken to calling Sirius "Superman" because she was going though a faze where everyone had to have a knick name. Lily she had dubbed "Carrot Top," James was "Bed Head," Peter was "Shortie," Remus was "Oh Wise One," Raven was "Fork," (no one quite knew where that one came from) and Sirius was of course "Superman." Then there had been the knick names for the teachers. Professor McGonagall was "Hawk Eye," Professor Slughorn was "The Walrus," Professor Dumbledore she had called "The Big Cheese," and Professor O'Quinn had been "Sketchbag" for most of the previous year. Then there were the people who weren't teachers, like Hagrid, who was "George," Filch, who was "Jeeves," Madame Pince, who was "Xerkes," and Madame Pomfrey, who was "Mother Teresa." Then there was Mrs. Noris who got the dubious honour of being dubbed "Little Miss Bitch."

Presently Lily smiled tragically at Sirius. "It's weird not having her around," she whispered, staring at the tabletop. Sirius winced, but he put a comforting hand on Lily's shoulder. It hadn't escaped his notice that Lily was grieving the loss of her best friend, too.

"I know," is all he said.

"It's hard to imagine that I won't ever wake up on the weekend to see her staring at me from the foot of my bed." Lily shook her head. "I still expect to see her out by the lake doing her strange rites on the nights of the new moon, still expect her to run into class ten minutes late on Monday. It's hard to think that I will never hear her laugh again..." Lily trailed off, staring blankly into space. "But I'm not being fair," she added looking into Sirius' dark eyes. "You probably don't want to talk about this. I'm sorry."

Sirius shook his head. "Don't be ridiculous. If you need to talk about it, keep going. I'm fine. Perhaps some good healthy conversation will do me some good."

"I really pity Raven though," Lily voiced, picking up Sirius' quill and starting to doodle on a scrap of parchment. "Tessa was like a big sister to her. Tessa really stood up for her, you know, like telling people off when they teased her. No one has dared tease Raven for the past five years because she was friends with Tessa. You know how she could get; the violence was a little creepy at times. And she was really morbid, you remember?" Lily smiled weakly, remembering how Tessa would come up with strangely creative ways of torturing people, or threaten to torture people using spoons and feather dusters.

"People used to pick on Raven?" Sirius sounded surprised. He had never really noticed and that depressed him.

"Yeah, all the time," Lily exclaimed, crossing out the little heart she had been drawing. Sirius noted that she had also sketched the initials J.P. in the heart. He filed this information away for future reference. "They used to call her all sorts of names. She was a bit of a loner when she first came to Hogwarts, never talking to anyone. She was always reading, remember?" Lily smiled. Sirius didn't remember, but he smiled as though he did. "Then Tessa had this huge spaz at a Hufflepuff for calling her emo in third year. No one has picked on her since without Tessa attacking them and dangling them over the railing of the marble staircase on the seventh floor and threatening to drop them. But now that Tessa's..." Lily swallowed, "not around anymore, people are getting nasty again. And Raven doesn't always tell me when people are mean to her. She never told Tessa either, but Tessa had some sort of a sixth sense when it came to Raven." Lily sighed. "I just wish they'd leave her alone."

Sirius didn't respond. He had never noticed that people used to pick on Raven; hell, he hadn't really noticed Raven until he had started to go out with Tessa the year before. Even then, it had taken "The Apparition Incident" to make him really perceive her presence.

During their apparition lessons in sixth year, Sirius had been one of the first to Apparate into the hoops at the front of the crowd. He had stood off the to side and was eventually joined by a couple of other successfuls. Then near the end of the evening, someone else managed to Apparate, but they didn't end up inside the hoop. Sirius had nearly been knocked off his feet when a certain Raven Storme had Apparated inside his robes with him. It had taken five awkward minutes to separate the two of them, but from then on, Sirius had been aware of Raven's presence with them whenever he and Tessa did anything non-romantic.

"Sirius, are you alright?" Lily sounded worried again. Sirius focused on her face and smiled slightly.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just reminiscing."

Lily nodded in understanding. Not that she fully accepted the explanation, but she didn't want to pry. She wondered if Sirius' silence had had anything to do with Raven. Only two people had ever known Raven's secret, and one of them had been Tessa. Now Lily was the only one. Well, there were two secrets, really, but only one involved Sirius personally. Now Lily wondered if Sirius was starting to notice Raven in a way that he had never noticed her before.

"Have you talked to Raven lately?" Lily asked casually, trying not to let him know that she was attempting to pry answers from him.

"Yeah." Sirius nodded absentmindedly. "I talked to her this afternoon. She was really happy about something..." He frowned, trying to figure out something that was beyond his reasoning.

Lily concealed a grin. She knew exactly why Raven had been so happy that afternoon, and it had nothing to do with acing a test in Charms.

"You should really talk to her more often," Lily urged cautiously. "She's really nice and funny, too. I think you guys could be good friends." She started to smile encouragingly at Sirius, but stopped instantly as soon as she saw the pained expression on his face.

"Yeah, maybe," Sirius muttered, not meeting her eye. "Listen, Lily. I think I'm going to go for a walk, okay? I'll see you later." And with that, Sirius got up and walked out the portrait hole.

It was midnight before Remus, James, and Peter trudged, tired and peeved, into the common room. It was all but deserted, the only person being someone with vibrant red hair who sat in an armchair by the fire. At the sight of Lily, James perked up and Remus rolled his eyes in response.

Here we go.

"Hey, Lily!" James greeted her enthusiastically, taking the armchair next to hers. "What are you doing up at this hour?"

To Remus' surprise, Lily didn't snub him.

"I'm waiting for Sirius to come back. He said he was going for a walk, but he hasn't come back yet. I'm worried about him." And indeed she did look worried. Remus frowned. What had happened?

"Aw, don't worry about Sirius. He'll be fine," James assured her, but his face betrayed his concern for his friend's welfare.

Making a decision on the spot, Remus turned around and headed for the portrait hole again.

"Hey, Moony! Where're you going?" James called after him.

"To find Sirius," Remus replied over his shoulder as he slipped out of the common room and into the corridor beyond. Here he paused, unsure of where to go first. Would Sirius go out into the grounds for some fresh air, or would he just wander the halls, maybe stopping in the kitchens to grab something to eat? Torn, Remus concentrated. He let his senses take over him, especially his sense of smell. At last he caught a whiff of Sirius' scent, headed away from him in the direction of...

The astronomy tower.

Panic flooded through Remus as he set off at a run. He had noticed the depressed expression on Sirius' face at supper, worried that Sirius might be being eaten by his repressed grief. He hadn't been himself lately, strangely subdued and unresponsive. He had even failed to sneer back at Snape in the halls the other day. Remus worried that Sirius was on the verge of doing something very, very stupid.

Finally, Remus reached the astronomy tower steps and he slipped under the rope set there to indicate that it was now off limits. He took the flight two steps at a time, winding tightly in a circle. The top was in view, he could smell the fresh air...

Remus burst out into the night and felt his heart stop. There was Sirius, sitting on the railing with his feet dangling over the edge, facing away from Remus. The breeze caught his hair and he swayed slightly. Remus tried to remain calm.

"Sirius?" he asked tentatively, afraid to take his friend by surprise.

Sirius didn't flinch.

"Funny, isn't it?" he said, not turning. "Someone dies and so many things are affected. People, emotions..." He trailed off.

"What do you mean?" Remus asked, approaching slowly.

"I mean, someone dies and everyone that knew that person is affected in some way, no matter how small. Then the ones that really knew the person well start feeling all these screwed up emotions. Not the normal ones, like sadness and grief, but the screwed up ones like hatred, jealousy... attraction..." Sirius trailed away again. Another gust of wind shook him. Remus froze, but the moment passed and Sirius was still firmly seated on the railing.

"I don't understand that last one," Remus said, not daring to move in case Sirius turned around and noticed.

"Neither do I," came the reply. "I mean, Tessa's been dead what? Two weeks. And that's not enough time for anybody to get over grieving. But here I am, Tessa's former boyfriend, and I'm already getting those strange feelings of attraction toward someone else. I don't understand it at all." Sirius gave an audible sigh. "I should be sworn off liking anyone for at least six months, but no, I have to go and start liking her best effing friend."

Remus froze. Did Sirius mean who Remus thought he meant?

"I hardly even know her! I've talked to her a grand total of around ten times and I'm beginning to like her. Tessa's been dead only two weeks and I'm already liking someone else. Does that make me a horrible person, or what? Shit, I don't deserve to go on living."

At this last sentence, Remus stopped breathing.

"You don't mean that," Remus choked, praying that Sirius wasn't about to do something incredibly stupid. "Just because you like someone, it doesn't make you a horrible person. We can't help who we're attracted to." It pained Remus to say this last part, for obvious reasons. If Sirius meant who Remus thought he meant, then there was a bit of a conflict between the two of them and that was the last thing that was needed right now.

"I know, but it doesn't seem right. I hardly know her, Remus! All I know about her is that she's kind and smart and... really pretty. Have you noticed the way her hair catches the light?" Remus set his jaw against his sudden anger. "And her eyes... they're just like the surface of the lake in summer, so bright and blue."

The later caught Remus off guard, and the anger dissipated, but he suddenly understood. Sirius hadn't been talking about Lily, he had been talking about Tessa's other best friend.

Raven.

"God, listen to me!" Sirius groaned. "This isn't right! I shouldn't like Raven. I just shouldn't. And it's all in vain anyway, because I just know she resents me. Ew, I don't want to do this anymore Remus. I can't do this anymore. I've tried to get past it, but it's impossible. I hate myself for living without her; I don't want to live without her. I loved her, Remus, I really and truly did. I still do, but now I'm falling for Raven for no good reason and it's tearing me apart. I won't go on living like nothing happened, and I can't get over it. There's nothing I can do anymore."

"Don't say that," Remus pleaded. "Come on, Sirius. This isn't the answer!"

"Ah, but that's where you're wrong, Remus. This is exactly the answer. It's the only answer."

And before Remus' very eyes, Sirius stood up on the railing and turned around to face him. His eyes were tortured and he seemed to sag under some invisible weight.

"Say goodbye to James and Peter for me. I'm sorry."

"Sirius, no!"

But it was too late. Sirius leaned back and let the wind take him. Remus was shell-shocked.

Sirius had jumped.