The Porcupines of Doom

* * * * *

Ginny and Draco were helplessly in love, and yes, I mean the helplessly in love type that can receive no help. Oh yes, they 'SOSed' many times, but nobody could rescue them from the tragic romance they were in together.

In the midst of all of the Draco/Ginny confusion, Harry and Hermione had arrived over the summer. Yup, they just appeared outta nowhere! At the time while Draco and Ginny were making a chart of how well their relationship was going (or maybe how crappy it was going, according to Fred and George), Ron, Harry, and Hermione were battling out some gnomes in the backyard.

"These little monsters are just horrible!" yelled Hermione while she flung some poo --- I mean gnomes --- across the fence.

"I know," said Ron, panting. "There're more and more of them everyday. I sense the gnomes must be lonely..."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Harry asked.

Ron grinned.

"You know... the tadpole goes to the moon..."

"Excuse me?"

"The birds and the bees?"

"Um..."

"The Q-Tip and the moth ball?!"

"Ron, I have no idea what you're talking about!" Harry screeched.

"MALE SPERM AND FEMALE EGG, HARRY! IS IT THAT HARD TO UNDERSTAND?!" Hermione finally cried out in frustration.

"Ooooooh..." said Harry. "That."

After the whole misunderstanding, the trio got back to work.

Meanwhile, up in Ginny's room, Draco and her had both finished the chart.

"Hm... the 'kissing' has gone from a 79 to a 24. Not good, Draco, not good," Ginny pointed out, her finger following the dashes on the paper.

"Well look at the 'holding hands'! 84 to a 35. Not good, Ginny, not good," Draco said.

Ginny frowned at him.

"Well look at the 'massaging Ginny's back'!" shrieked Ginny. "100 to a 0!"

"Ginny, I never massage your back," Draco told her.

Silence.

"Which further proves my point! You've never massaged my back! And we've been going out since yesterday morning!" Ginny shouted.

Draco rolled his eyes. All around, baby, all around.

"You haven't exactly been the perfect girlfriend either!" he yelped. "You never feed me seedless grapes."

Ginny gasped.

"How dare you! I fed you strawberries last night, remember?!"

"Oh yeah... but they had seeds!"

"So what? It looks like I'm the best girlfriend you've EVA had!"

Draco swallowed.

"Um... the phone just rang."

"We don't have a phone."

"Yes you do."

"No we don't. Anyway, I didn't hear anything."

"Well I have a cell phone."

"No you don't."

"Yes I do."

"No you don't."

"Yes I do!"

"Then why haven't you answered it?"

Draco swallowed again, prodding his finger on Ginny's chest and narrowing his eyes at her.

"It vibrates and has a recording message!"

Ginny folded her arms. Before she could say anything, however, Hermione screamed outside.

"What is that thing?!" she bellowed, pointing at something in the bushes. Ginny and Draco poked their heads out the window to see what was going on.

"It's a porcupine!" Harry shouted. "A very strange porcupine, I might add..."

"It's all screwed up!" Ron cried out, jumping in Harry's arms. Indeed, the porcupine was all screwed up. The needles on the porcupine had extra points on the end, and they were red. Its eyes were white and its fur was purple. Do porcupines have fur? I've never seen one. Oo, this one time, when I was camping with my dad, we saw this humungo bee and it was flying around our heads and almost STUNG me, but, fortunately, we battled with it and its fellow humungo bees until it was finally dead and we danced around like Indians singing Metallica and headbanging while jumping on one foot with spoons with eggs on them; see, we were trying not to drop them, it was a contest, and then my dad said the funniest joke about the difference between me and a monkey, and he said NOTHING and I laughed and

then we laughed and then Willie Nelson came strolling down the block - whoosh change of scenery, we are now in the ghetto - and started singing some country song while I played basketball wit ma boyz and we be hangin out twenty fo seven, beyotch. FO SHIZZLE.

All was silent. Hermione stood completely still. Ron and Harry merely stared at the author, who appeared to have gone mad. Suddenly, everyone went back to normal.

Harry looked back at Ron, who was shaking uncontrollably in his arms.

"Ron."

"Harry, save meeeeeeeee!"

"Ron."

"Ahhhhhhhh! Get it awwayyyyy!"

"Ron."

"What?"

"Get off of me."

"But Harry, it's gonna get me!"

Hermione rolled her eyes and pulled Ron off of Harry.

"Nooooooo!!!" screeched Ron in a shrill voice. Hermione had to pry him out of Harry's arms before he finally touched the earth's surface.

Almost at once, the porcupine started going towards him.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Ron flew out of his own backyard in a flash as the porcupine ran after him, snarling.

"Well... this sucks," Hermione said, picking up another gnome like nothing had happened and throwing it right over the fence.

"Probably as much as Draco and Ginny's relationship," Harry responded, and the two of them cackled together. Cackle, cackle, cackle.

* * * * *

Ginny, Draco, Hermione, and Harry were all sitting in Ron's room, which was now pink. Yeah, pink. Somehow, Ron had turned suddenly gay, and with that, his room turned pink.

Anyway, they were all sitting in Ron's pink room, on Ron's pink bed, and on Ron's pink pillows. Yeah, his pinkpillows. A big no-no in the Weasley household, especially if they're pink.

You just don't sit on pink.

"Where could he have gone?" said Ginny, her red hair gleaming from the sun that had somehow gotten in the room and was listening to their whole conversation.

"I don't know," said Harry, his black hair sticking up in many different places. Whoa, Nelly!

"Maybe the porcupine got him," said Hermione, her brown hair in an afro.

"Maybe," said Draco, his blonde hair slicked back like it usually was. Mm sexy.

Ginny, Harry, and Hermione all looked at him in fury.

"What did you just say?" they all said (snort). No, they didn't snort, I did because I thought it was funny. Shut up.

"Um... 'maybe'?" Draco said (chuckle). No, he didn't chuckle, I did because I thought it was funny.

"No, the last thing you said in the prequel to this," Hermione said (giggle). No, she didn't giggle, I did because of her afro. That just looks so wrong on her.

"Um... 'we still are'?"

"That was it," Ginny told everyone. Yes, I'm ending the said chain. Tear. Everyone looked at her. "I remember now. And then Professor Binns walked in on us. Or, rather, he walked through us."

She laughed awkwardly.

Everyone continued to stare at her, not sure of what to think.

She stopped laughing.

"Um... why don't we go watch Blue's Clues?"

* * * * *

Okay, so they were sitting on the couch watching Blue's Clues, even though the Weasleys aren't supposed to have a television and the mere fact that I am explaining this to you is scaring me. Thank you.

So they're sitting there watchin good ol' Steve draw the second clue in his handy dandy notebook. It's a shovel.

"Duh, you know he wants to go to the beach," Draco said, shaking his head.

"Yeah I know," Harry responded. He looked at the television set laughing.

"I think the third clue should be a boat or something, it fits in with everything," murmured Hermione, her eyes glued to the set.

Ginny was snoring.

Suddenly, making Draco jump, Harry fart, Ginny wake up, and Hermione's shirt to come off, Ron came sprinting into the living room in a pink jumper and brown loafers.

"Ron!" Harry exclaimed. "Your presence is making me have excess gas!"

"Ron!" Draco yelled. "I jumped! Did you see me? I jumped!"

"Ron!" Ginny shouted. "You made me wake up! I was dreaming of salty pickles!"

"Ron!" Hermione shrieked. "You made my shirt come off! That was my favorite shirt!"

Ron looked at everyone and then his eyes laid on Hermione.

"I made your shirt come off?" he asked, grinning.

Hermione got up and slapped him across the face and then ran upstairs and then ran back downstairs with another shirt on and slapped Ron again and then sat back down, smiling.

"Good news, everyone!" Ron said as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened.

"The porcupines are gone?" Ginny said excitedly. All of them waited in bated breath.

"No," said Ron. "I lowered my cholesterol."

All of them sighed, clearly disappointed, and looked back at the TV in which Steve had figured out that, alas, Blue did not want to go to the beach, but simply wanted a shovel for Christmas. The first clue was a banana. The third clue was Santa Claus. Ho, ho, ho, Steve.

"Well, at least Steve has a reason to be wearing green this time," Hermione muttered.

"He must be as gay as Ron!" Harry said, chortling. Chortle, chortle, chortle.

Ron looked at Harry in disgust.

"I'm not gay!" he yelled, and Ginny dropped the bowl of popcorn onto the floor. Oh yeah, they had a bowl of popcorn. And a big blankie too. It seemed to provide a sense of security.

"You're not?" Draco said, his hair now spiked up from the great deal of shock he had received from hearing Ron was not gay. Actually, it looked quite sexy. Hey, sexy.

"No!" Ron exclaimed. It was rather odd, Ron telling them that he had lowered his cholesterol and then finding out he wasn't gay.

It breaks one's heart.

"But... what about your pink pillows? And clinging onto me when that porcupine attacked you? And... you acting gay?" Harry asked. His hair was now purple. Yeah, purple. Loser.

Ron stared at him. His own hair was the same as it was before.

"I'm not a loser!"

No, Ron, I wasn't calling you a loser, I was calling Harry one.

"Oh. But I'm not gay, mummy made me dye my pillows pink."

"Did you just say 'mummy'? Hermione said, and Ron gasped.

"No!" he shrieked.

"Yes you did!"

"No I didn't!"

"Yes you did!"

"No I didn't!"

"You're gay!"

"No I'm not!"

"Yes you are!"

"No I'm not!"

"Who's your boyfriend?"

"Harry!"

At this, everybody gasped, and Harry had a heart attack and died because I don't like him.

"Who said all of that?" asked Ginny, looking around the room.

Steve smiled from the TV and started to randomly blink. Psycho.

"Wow. I think I'm going to go cry now," said Hermione, getting up and running upstairs once again.

Ginny turned to Draco.

"Want to snog to improve our relationship?" she said, and Draco agreed. Snog they did.

And in the middle of all this, Ron stood there in his pink jumper and loafers, humming the Clorox song.

But what, you say, happened to the porcupines?

Well, it turned out that they were just little robots sent from Dumbledore to have a little laugh and to play a joke on all of them.

Meanwhile, Voldemort is sucking on his thumb in his sleep. He's dreaming that Harry just killed him with a fork. A fancy fork, I might add. He's clutching his pillow in fright.

His pink pillow!!