A Reason for Everything

I finished my Defence Against the Dark arts paper, but instead of doodling I flipped to the front of the paper and began searching for mistakes. I looked up briefly to check the time and I caught sight of him sitting a couple of rows in front of me. That stupid rumpled hair was so unique.

I forced my gaze back down to the paper and scrutinised a question on werewolves. I heard a cough somewhere to my right and again my head jerked upwards.

There she was, on the other side of the Hall. She was leaning back in her seat and staring up at the sunny sky wistfully. The light made her hair shine gloriously, looking almost golden. I stared at her, completely under her spell.

Lily Evans - I was in love with Lily Evans. I couldn't tell a soul - she was muggle born and I was a pure blood. She was so beautiful though, with long curly red hair, a light dusting of freckles across her perfect nose, mesmerising almond shaped emerald green eyes fringed thickly with long eyelashes.

I hadn't a clue whether she liked me back. I suspected that she didn't - who could love me, with my lanky frame and ridiculously greasy hair. I hate my hair.

I was examining the back of Lily's shirt when Professor Flitwicks voice rang out and my work was collected. I picked up the question paper and joined the throng out into the sun-dappled grounds.

Unconsciously, I walked towards the tree I first saw Lily under, buried in question sixteen. I heard an all too familiar voice behind me and stiffened. I slipped one hand surreptitiously into my robe pocket and clasped it round my wand.

"Well, I thought the paper was a piece of cake," I'll bet you did. "I'll be surprised if I don't get an Outstanding on it at least." Stupid, idiotic, stuck up...

"Me too," well you would Potter wouldn't you?

"Where'd you get that?"

"Nicked it." Didn't your bitch of a mother ever teach you stealing is wrong, or was that below you Pothead?

I shoved my nose further into the parchment and tried to control my breathing. My hands were trembling and I forced myself to think about Dementors. I could hear girls giggling down by the lakeside and instinctively I knew it was Lily. I didn't look up in case she saw; I merely tightened my grip on the taut paper.

I've had enough. I can't sit here for much longer anyway; he'll notice me. Sighing I threw the OWL paper into my bag and jumped to my feet. Hopefully they won't notice me.

"All right Snivellus?" Great! I threw my bag away and plunged my hand into my robes, but as usual he was quicker and had used Impedimenta. I froze, knocked onto the floor. I struggled against the spell but it was no use. I heard a crowd of laughing people making they way over.

They were all laughing at me.

He's looking at the girls by the lake. She's mine, she's mine, she's mine...

"How'd the exam go, Snivelly?" Always the same stupid taunts.

"I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment," said the Traitor. "There'll be great grease marks all over it, they won't be able to read a word." I struggled harder against the spell, but it was no use. I was stuck.

"You - wait," I panted, pouring my hate into every word. "You - wait!"

"Wait for what? What're you going to do, Snivelly, wipe your nose on us?" Something snapped and I began to shout a random mix of swear words and hexes but my wand was ten feet away and nothing happened.

"Wash out your mouth! Scourgify!" Soap bubbles appeared in my mouth in a never-ending stream, choking me.

"Leave him ALONE!" Lily was here! Lily was seeing me on the floor with pink soap streaming from my mouth. Nice.

"All right, Evans?" There was something in his voice that changed when he said that. It sounded like he fancied her, and knowing my luck he'd get the girl.

"Leave him alone," she said again, and this time I could hear dislike in her voice. I looked up and saw that it was reflected on her face. "What's he done to you?"

"Well, it's more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean." There was a roar of laughter but Lily didn't laugh and neither did the werewolf.

"You think you're funny," Lily said with a cold bitterness in her voice. "But you're just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him alone."

She was sticking up for me. She'd done it before, but never in front of such a big crowd. A small flicker of hope glimmered in me - maybe she did like me after all.

"I will if you go out with me, Evans," he said, pulling me out of my thoughts. "Go on, go out with me and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again." I began to get the feeling back in my arms and legs. I edged towards my wand, intent on stopping this so that he wouldn't get the chance I deserved.

"I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid."

"Bad luck, Prongs," said the Traitor quickly, turning around. "OI!" But for once I was quicker, I pointed my wand directly at his brainless head and a large gash appeared on the side of his face.

Another flash of light later and I was dangling upside down, literally airing my laundry in front of everyone.

"Let him down!"

"Certainly," said Potter, and I landed in a muddled heap on he floor. I got to my feet but Black was ready, and I keeled over as stiff as a board.

"LEAVE HIM ALONE!" Lily had her wand out and I was pleased to see that both of them were scared.

"Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you."

"Take the curse off him, then!"

"There you go," he said, as I climbed to my feet. "You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus-" I took a deep breath and lied.

"I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!" I said through my teeth. As I said it, it felt as though a knife had pierced through my heart.

"Fine, I won't bother in future. And I'd wash my pants if I were you, Snivellus." I'd lost her; I'd thrown away my last chance.

"Apologise to Evans!" Potter roared at me.

"I don't want you to make him apologise," she said heatedly. "You're as bad as he is."

"What? I'd NEVER call you a - you-know-what!"

"Messing up your hair just because you think it looks cool to look like you've just got off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid Snitch, walking down corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can - I'm surprised your broomstick can get off the ground with that fat head on it. You make me SICK."

My mouth fell open in shock at the tirade - I never knew she hated him so much. She turned on her heel and marched away.

"Evans! Hey, EVANS!" She ignored him. I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding and went to pick up my bag. There was a blinding flash of light and I was in the air again.

"Who wants to see me take off Snivelly's pants?" The crowd cheered and my insides curled. I prepared myself for the worst.

"Ok, Prongs this has gone far enough. I said, THIS HAS GONE FAR ENOUGH!" Everyone, including me turned to look at the werewolf who was holding his wand out.

"Stop this now or I start deducting points," Potter started to interrupt but the werewolf simply waved his wand. I fell to the ground for the second time that day and collected my things. The crowd dispersed and Potter, Black and Pettigrew wandered off, hands in their pockets. Lupin stayed where he was.

"Why did you do that?" I asked him.

"Well if your gong to react that way every time someone does something nice then I don't know why we bother," he said, putting his wand away. "Look, I know what it's like to be different. I know what its like to feel alone." With those simple words he walked away and left me standing there, completely confused.

***

The next time I spoke to Lily Evans it was in the Restricted section of the library. I was researching some potions, when I heard someone walking towards me, and sit down in the chair opposite me. I looked up at her, putting my book down.

"Are you ok?" she asked, peering worriedly at my face.

"Fine, thank you very much," I said, picking up the book again and holding it up in front of my face. Lily got up.

"Well if you're going to be like that then -"

"Sorry."

"What?" she said, astonished.

"I said sorry," I closed the book, clutched it in my hands and stood up. Lily was staring into my eyes intently; it felt like she was reading my soul.

"That's the first time I've ever heard you apologise to anyone," she whispered, coming even closer. My fifteen-year-old heart was throbbing so hard against my rib cage that I thought it would come out.

"Lily, I-" I was cut off as she pressed her lips up against mine. The book fell to the floor and a cloud of dust rose up from where it had landed, but neither of us noticed.

I let my hands run into her luxurious hair. She had her hands on my waist and although I'd never kissed anyone before, I knew exactly what to do. It felt like the most natural thing in the world. She was undoing my tie and I felt her delicate hands on my collar.

I couldn't feel my stomach and my heart was going so fast I thought it would explode. Somehow, Lily ended up sitting on the desk and I broke off the kiss and stared at her. She smoothed her shirt and ran a hand through her hair. I reached out and took one of her hands and she stared at it.

"Well," she said breathlessly, "that was, er-"

"Interesting."

"Yes, I suppose it was," she said, climbing off the table. She started to walk away, and as soon as she was within distance I flung my arms around her neck.

"I love you," I whispered into her shoulder. "I've never loved anyone before."

She held me close.
"I'm scared, Severus. What will people say?"

"Who cares what anyone thinks!" I said, taking a step back and putting my hands on her shoulders.

"A Ravenclaw and a Slytherin, hardly the best match. But even that would be ok if it wasn't for the pureblood, Mudblood thing!" her arms fell limply at her sides and she looked at me hopelessly.

"It doesn't matter, Lily, don't you see? None of that matters." She took my left arm and rolled up the sleeve. She placed her hand directly over the foul tattoo.

"This matters. This could make you kill me." I withdrew my arm sharply.
"It doesn't matter. I didn't want that appalling thing there. My father made me; he said he wouldn't let his son be a traitor to our family like Black. That's why Black hates me, and Potter just likes a reason to taunt someone. I don't want to be a Death Eater. I don't want to be a murderer. I want to be with you," I said softly, trying to explain the whole, unfortunate experience. "Do you really think that the Dark Lord gave me a choice? Do you really think he cares how much pain he inflicts on even his most devoted followers?"

"What about your father? Surely he-" I interrupted her, and as I did so I moved away from her and stood by the window.
"My father? The man who tortured all his children and his wife. The man who is never satisfied with what you do, no matter how much effort you put into it. The man who was happy to stand by and watch his son, his beloved, be tortured to unconsciousness by Voldemort, and then have Voldemort's foul insignia burned onto his skin, something he would never be able to ignore, just so he could show me off like some kind of circus freak to all his deranged friends. That man is no father of mine. I do not have a father." To my horror, I felt hot tears prickling the corners of my eyes. I turned away so Lily wouldn't see.

"Don't cry," she said, wiping away the single tear that was running down my cheek. "I'll always be here."

There was a crash and we both turned around. Remus Lupin was standing next to the bookcase, a large pile of books at his feet and an expression of utmost shock on his face.

***

There were many secret meetings between us after that. We had to keep Lupin quiet; he was our confidante. He remained true to his word though, and I have always admired him for that. I still couldn't stand that traitor Black, or his sidekicks Potter and Pettigrew - but at least someone from the group you'd never expect to keep their mouth shut was decent.

The day it all turned sour was one day during our seventh year. Pettigrew had found out, I saw him hurry over from the Hufflepuff table to were Potter and Black sat at the Gryffindor one. Lily caught my eye from the Ravenclaw table, and turned to Remus, who was next to her and they began to whisper frantically.

"Evans!" Potters voice rang out over the Great Hall. "Is what Wormtail told me true? Are you seeing Snivellus?" Lily stood up and faced him squarely.

"Where on earth did you get that idea?" she said, tossing her hair back and placing a hand on her waist. She had an air of confidence, but I could see her hand shaking.

"Just what a little birdie told me," he said, a smug grin playing around on his face. "So, Evans, will you go out with me, seeing as your single."

"No one ever said anything about me being single, Potter." My grip on my spoon tightened and my knuckles went white. No body noticed.

"Will you go out with me?" Lily appeared to be thinking rapidly.

"All right then," she said and sat down quickly. Potter grinned and sat down as well. The spoon clattered out of my hand. I'd lost her again.

Lily looked over at me from the Ravenclaw table, her eyes showing her despair. I stood up quickly and walked out of the room. Lily and Lupin followed me, and we walked twenty paces between each other until we reached the very edge of the Forbidden Forest.

I was livid. My hands were curled into tight fists inside my pockets. I stared blankly ahead, unable to believe what had happened. Lily touched my arm, and I recoiled.

"I'm sorry," she said, and I could hear the tears in her voice. "It was the only way to stop anyone suspecting. I'll break up with him soon, I promise you -"

"And what if you don't?" I said, turning on her. "What if you decide you prefer him to me? You two could end up married with a kid, for crying out loud!"

"We won't!" she said, hopelessness in her eyes. "I don't want to! I just wish there was another way but there isn't. I'm sorry."

I rounded on Lupin next.

"Was it you," I snarled, "did you let Pettigrew in on the act? Must've been great for you to have some glory, I bet you just loved that didn't you!"

"I didn't tell a soul, he must've heard you two talking or seen something. I don't know, Severus, he can be sly sometimes," Lupin said, and I knew at once he was telling the truth.

"This can't be happening," I said, staring dolefully out into the distance. "I'll wake up and it'll all be a dream." I turned on my heel and marched away, my black school robes billowing around me.

***

For the next year, until we left school, Lily Evans led a double life. She was James Potters' new arm piece by day, and my reason for living by night. Night was the only time we could meet without the danger of being caught.

But then we left school. We lived very far away from each other, and writing just wasn't a possibility. We drifted apart over the year, and neither of us knew what the other was up to. That's why, when I was out taking a walk one frosty morning, I walked past a church and saw to my extreme disgust that my bride was on the arms of another.

I stared in blank shock as her and Potter came out of the church, beaming. She was radiant and I felt destroyed that I hadn't been able to make her that happy. I was reeling when I saw them kiss, and I ran. I didn't know where I was going and I didn't really care - all I knew was that I had to keep running.

When I could really run no more, I collapsed against a cold, hard wall and began to think of ways to kidnap her, of ways to bring her back to me. I was desperate, I wanted her back so much - I'd hardly realised how lonely I had been without her.

***

I never saw Lily Evans - Potter again. She died one year after she was married. I was at school, were I had found a job as Potions Master. I was sitting in my office, marking some homework when a windswept Remus Lupin burst through my door.

"Lupin?" I said, rising to my feet.

"They're dead," he said, and I noticed how scared he looked. "They died. Lily and James. He found them." I collapsed into the chair again.

"They can't be!" I gasped.

"They are, the house was blown down to the foundations. No one could have survived it. Except that someone did." A small flicker of hope alighted in my chest.

"Lily-" Lupin shook his head.

"No, their son. Harry."

Their son - his son had survived. She'd had a son with him, she said she'd never marry him or have children and here we were two years later, they'd married, had a baby and died together. I was reeling with shock.

"I'm so sorry it ended like this, Severus," Lupin said, and he wearily walked out of the room. I picked up the nearest, foulest jar I could find and hurled it at the door. Then I collapsed onto my desk and began to howl for my only loves tragic demise.

***

I pushed all memories of Lily to the back of my mind, and for a few years I managed to get by. It wasn't until five years ago, when I saw her eyes staring at me through the crowd of first years that I remembered.

He looked exactly like James. It was astounding, apart from his eyes. His eyes were his mothers - exactly the shape and colour. I couldn't believe I had forgotten her. He looked small and scrawny and very, very nervous. But he looked so much like Potter, that I immediately hated him.

I thought he would be just like his father, and I wrongly judged him. I realise now that he is nothing like Potter, he isn't arrogant, he doesn't bully people and he certainly hasn't had many girlfriends.

In fact, he reminds me more of me than he does Potter. He's laughed at, humiliated in front of large crowds. I knew exactly how he felt every time I saw him being taunted with a crowd of onlookers. And yet I did not stop them, he wasn't my son, what could I have done? It would have looked too suspicious.

I always try to avoid looking him in the eye though, because he reminds me so strongly of his mother and every memory I ever had of her. Every time I see him intent in his work I think of the way she would get ink all over her hands like he does, or the way she used to bite her lip when she was deep in thought. The way she would turn to her friends whenever she needed support. The way she could be so stubborn about things, which would drive you insane but make you love her even more at the same time. His handwriting has the same slant, same curves as hers had. He holds his quill in the same way, and bends over his work just as intently as she. He hates to see injustice.

He is his mother's son.