Left For

Left For

~

Spent so much time in tears

That never fell to earth

Resigning life to what would be

And letting the dreams

Fall into fantasy with no thought that quite often,

The worst wish can be the one come true

~

Somehow I always knew it would come to this.

That I'd never be able to over come what my whole life had made me, how I was expected to be.

I was always draco malfoy, heir to my house and another slightly off kilter deatheater.

But I wasn't mad from torture, that I could sustain, and I wasn't mad by birth or by life. For though nothing was ever what I wanted and I had hardships none would ever know, I could always deal with it.

Except that one.

Her.

I'd wanted to be more, different, myself - a person I could never know; foreign.

Someone everyone else thought they knew explicitly though noone not even me could know him.

A dream of her and me, a fantasy I refused to accept even though I could not deny I wanted it.

It was never any more real than this, my living hell, was a nightmare.

When I'd watched her for those years I'd always wanted to believe I could be with her, that I could be with her, as myself, as the man I wanted to be instead of the face of the future of the Malfoy's.

It was partly because the future didn't look very bright for my family but mostly that I wanted to be something she would admire instead of look down upon. I couldn't stand her doing that after the many years I purposely did everything I could to get that undesirable but ever so wanted attention.

When I'd cracked and could take no more of my torture, the only kind I could not live with, I fled from her and all semblane of my life around her.

Since then I flinch at the mere memory of those days. Hogwarts is a bitter home and a grave for my love for her, best as it is laid. It even tries to house my hate but I don't think either of those emotions ever fled from my mind the way I did in reality.

I'd always stopped myself first before I'd even considered doing something other than being 'Draco Malfoy' with her. Knowing better I told myself that she'd never get past what I'd done in the name of cowardice and of my fathers excuses, she would never understand that I was more than a Malfoy - forever graced with bad faith.

Ofcourse there was a good reason I stopped myself, other than that I'd never get that wish, I found it somehow better to be alive and unsatisfied.

I wasn't so sure today.

I faced her, wand at my side.

My grip on it waning in my sweaty palms

Her hair was like a halo of curls around her, her rose lips parted slightly in surprise.

I wondered if it was because she hadn't known it would be me who would be here or if simply that she was caught, that Hermione Granger had been bettered.

I used to dream of that, of being better than her, but it was unappealing now it had happened.

I didn't want to be the person here but it felt like a duty to her to see her now.

I was supposed to be the last person she saw, some comfort, yet I wanted it to be. I wanted her to look at me and feel something other than fear and hate.

I'd hated her for so long it didn't seem right that that was all that belonged to us.

I wanted it to end here, and it was supposed to, just not an ending either of us would want.

She didn't say anything at all, no witty retort about how she'd escape yet I still found her perfect. Maybe she thought she couldn't and wouldn't be able to get away, this time.

Her hand holding her wand shook as we stood off opposite each other.

Did she truly fear me?

I'd been staring far too long and I felt a sharp pain in my arm for my fault, the dark mark searing into it. I hid the agony with a mask of nothingness.

It was what I was ultimately. A blank slate that people had always painted who they wanted me to be on it. It hadn't always been a nice picture from all angles but it was what people expected from me. No one but my father would understand that they had been the ones to make me, to shape me into this.

I'd been given an order, long ago.

To do my 'master's' bidding; without question. To kill and maime and torture in his name everyone who I was taught to be unworthy.

I didn't question this, as I bluntly didn't accept it. If anyone was worthy it was her.

I would not be her murderer.

Meaning I would not be at all.

For once in my life I smiled genuinely and carefree from my eyes, my face softer than anyone would have thought it was capable of.

And my lips mouthed the password I could not speak to her, before my body slumped to the floor.

My last thought is that for once I had shown her I loved her, that my actions had done what my words had never been permitted to.

I had shown more than hate, I had broken the cycle of passion I'd created, of my obsession and at last I was free. I'd done one thing in my life I'd actually wanted to do, that meant something to me, to not harm her; defying to the death because it meant my death to not obey whom I had been promised to at birth.

The obedience charm I had over me so long was broken and I by it but not without out reason and purpose.

She'd live on, with a memory of me that was memorable atleast and really that was all I could ever achieve.

So I accepted it and hoped in death I'd see my angel once again.

And that heaven had Mai Tai's.

~

A/N: The obedience charm isn't a new thing, I've seen it in a few fics including the wonderful Barb's Psychic Serpent trilogy. And some of you out there probably know about (and why) Mai Tais and why I bothered putting that in.