Lucius Malfoy's Court Case

Let the court come to order! Now, if I may refresh the court's memory, Mr. Lucius Malfoy has been accused of joining the forces of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and torturing, mutilating, and killing countless Muggles and wizards and witches of Muggle parentage in accordance with You-Know-Who's orders. Evidence previously presented caused some jurors to be squeamish, that can be understood, but if they would refrain from being sick on the carpet again. The cleaning staff complained about the difficulty to get the stains out. Mr. Malfoy is running late, and I'm giving him two more minutes to get here, otherwise he will be held in contempt of court.

No, Minister, I don't think Mr. Malfoy will make it.

No, I'm not willing to bet on that.

Oh, well I suppose you were right, here come Mr. Malfoy now.

Mr. Malfoy, women's sundresses are not court-appropriate attire. Kindly change.

I don't care if it's the latest fashion direct from Paris, take it off. Anyway, magenta isn't your color. I think green would look much better on y--OH GOOD GOD! Mr. Malfoy, put some trousers on! I meant change outside, not in here! Put that thing away, Mr. Malfoy, you are married!

No, I don't feel lucky, and I'm not a punk. Stop quoting Clint Eastwood movies from the 1970's.

Mr. Malfoy, sit down now. Thank you.

Would the prosecution call their witness to the stand?

Your witness is Severus Snape? Are you sure about that?

All right, Mr. Severus Snape, please come to the stand.

Mr. Snape, put your shoes back on. I don't care if your feet feel cramped; they smell like week-old garbage and Hippogriff shit simmered in Butober pus.

It is a common fact that Hippogriff shit smells terrible.

No, I don't sniff excrement all day! Anymore comments on how I spend my free time and I will be forced to "accidentally" drop something very heavy onto your balls. May I add that insulting the judge is a lovely way to get your crooked, ugly nose landed in Azkaban.

You, Mr. Snape, claim that you saw Mr. Malfoy at a Death Eater meeting. I must interrupt and ask, why were you near a Death Eater meeting?

...Looking for mealworms for your pet Crumple-Horned Snorkack? Amazingly well thought out alibi.

That was sarcasm. Crumple-Horned Snorkacks don't even exist.

No, they don't exist.

....

Is the prosecution finished? ... Mr. Snape, you may sit down.

The defense may now call their witness.

Mr. Malfoy, please take the stand.

...No, you can't write the anarchy symbol on the wall. Do you even know what anarchy is?

I didn't think so. Take a seat.

You can't plead insanity.

Or that you were under the Imperius curse. The court went over this several weeks ago. You are perfectly sane, contrary to how you are acting at the moment.

Just answer the questions, Mr. Malfoy.

If you love me, keep your perverted thoughts to yourself. May I remind you that you are also on trial for stalking and sexual harassment? And that statement is helping neither of your cases.

Answer the questions, Mr. Malfoy!

...

Is the defense finished?

All right then, the jury may deliberate.

...

Has the jury come to a decision?

Lucius Malfoy, who has been accused of being a Death Eater, has been found guilty, in unanimous vote by the jury.

Mr. Malfoy, sit down and stop singing. We all like Queen songs, but you are in fact not the champion, you are the loser.

Who makes you the loser? The jury does. You, Lucius Malfoy, are hereby sentenced to life in Azkaban for the countless tortures and murders of Muggles and Muggle-born wizards and witches.

Mr. Malfoy, that's not a good thing.... STOP SINGING, DAMN IT!

Someone get him out of court before my headache gets worse.

Ow, my head...