Cry

As she sat in the quiet of her room, she tried to clear her head. But she couldn't. She couldn't get the memory of him kissing....her out of her head. It was....absurd! A million thoughts were running through her brain. All of them hinting at how worthless she was, or how stupid she had been. How gullible. She couldn't understand how she could have believed that he actually noticed her. Recognized her as more than just a teammate. More than a friend. She was a fool to believe such idiotic thoughts.

****

If I had just one tear running down your cheek

Maybe I could cope, maybe I'd get some sleep

****

Being a Romantic in her mind, she had fantasies of how things should have been. But her manic-depressive mindset took over seconds after those fantasies began to play in her head. It always ended in her being humiliated in front of the entire school. She felt tears stinging the lids of her closed eyes. Her "friends" were downstairs in the common room, having a grand old time at the victory party. They probably didn't even know she was gone. Didn't see her run from the room, tears threateningly to fall from her eyes.

No, they wouldn't have noticed. They were too busy celebrating. She opened her eyes, only to have her vision blurred by her tears. The maroon curtains surrounding her bed, the canopy above her head. All a blur. She sat up. In doing so, the tears threatening to fall did so, staining her cheeks. She wiped at them furiously. She looked down at her hands, and then turned them so the palms were facing upwards. With her left hand, she pulled up her right robe sleeve, followed by her right sweater sleeve. She repeated the process for her left arm. She looked down at her wrists and forearms mournfully.

****

If I had just one moment at your expense

Maybe all my misery would be well spent

****

'So many cuts,' she thought tracing them with her fingers.

She counted them. There were thirty-four in all. All of them having a vivid memory in her mind. Thirty-four times he had hurt her. Her family had hurt her. Her friends had hurt her. They didn't know of course. And they never would. This was her own private Hell and no one could save her. She didn't even feel the pain anymore. She was numb.

She knew they wondered. Why she always wore long sleeves. Why she never took her robes off even on the hottest days. She couldn't. A teacher might see. They'd take her to Dumbledore. Dumbledore would tell her parents. She'd be sent to St. Mungo's and put in a padded room for the rest of her life. No, she couldn't. Her goal in life wasn't to be wearing a straight jacket in St. Mungo's. She just wanted the pain to go away. And watching the blood run down her arm to her fingertips did that, even if for just a few moments.

She swung her feet over the side of the bed. She walked over to her dresser and opened the top drawer. Under her socks and undergarments, was a piece of a broken mirror. She picked it up and walked the short distance to the bathroom. She locked the door behind her. Standing in front of the mirror, she glared at herself.

****

Could you cry a little?

Lie just a little?

Pretend that you're feeling a little more pain

I gave, now I'm wanting

Something in return

So cry just a little for me

****

"Who the fuck were you fooling Katie Bell?" she said viciously to her reflection, "How could he ever like someone like you? Look at yourself. You're nothing special."

She looked down into the sink and back up at her reflection, with a look of determination on her face. She picked up the glass and pressed it to her arm. It pierced the skin and she pulled the glass away, looking at the blood pooling there, staining her pale skin. She repeated this, making numerous cuts on both of her arms. She dropped the glass into the sink and sunk to the floor, getting slightly dizzy.

"Guess I overdid it a little," she said looking down at her arms.

Suddenly the room began to spin, and she felt herself tilt sideways. Her head hit the toilet and the world went black. She didn't hear two female voices calling her name. She didn't hear the gasp, nor the scream that followed. She didn't hear the pounding footsteps. She didn't remember being picked up and carried off.

****

She woke up in a room, which was filled with light. It was so bright that Katie swung her arm over her face. When she did, she didn't feel the skin of her arm against the skin of her face. She felt the gauze of bandages. She lifted her arm slightly, and squinted at the bandages. She felt weak and sick.

"Bloody hell." she said hoarsely.

"Mind your language Miss Bell," a stern voice said.

She squinted against the light, allowing her eyes to adjust. She groaned upon seeing Professor McGonagall, her Head of House.

"Is she awake Minerva?" a male voice asked.

'Great, Dumbledore too. St. Mungo's here I come," she thought bitterly, trying to sit up in bed.

"Easy there Miss Bell, you lost a lot of blood last night," Dumbledore said kindly.

"Big deal," Katie said cynically, while thinking, 'It wasn't enough, I'm still here aren't I?'

Dumbledore sighed audibly. She looked at the old man, positively enraged. What did he care if she died? One less student to worry about.

"Is she awake yet sir?" a female voice asked from beyond Katie's view.

****

If your love could be caged, honey, I would hold the key

And conceal it underneath the pile of lies you handed me

****

The Headmaster nodded and a group of people appeared as if out of thin air. At first glance she noted that Fred and George Weasley, Harry Potter, Angelina Johnson, Alicia Spinnet, Hermione Granger, Percy Weasley, Lee Jordan, and Ron Weasley were all present. On second glance, she noticed him....with her. A wave of nausea hit her like a ton of bricks and she lay down on the bed, rolling over so her back was to them.

"Get away from me! All of you!" she positively shouted at them, with what strength she had.

She felt a hand on her shoulder and she flinched away from it angrily. Didn't they get it?

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" she screamed at the wall in front of her.

Her command echoed through the empty hospital wing. When she didn't hear the retreating sound of footsteps, she sat up frustrated. She stared at every single one of them.

****

And you'd hunt those lies, they'd be all you'd ever find

And that'd be all you have to know

For me to be fine

****

"Go away," she said harshly, "No one asked you to bring me here. Why couldn't you have left me to die. That's what I wanted. But no one cares about what I want, do they? I locked the door for a reason."

She rolled back over and heard a gasp and a choked sob. Why did they care? Who said they had to care?

'They only care when I try to off myself,' she thought bitterly, 'That's all it is.'

She heard retreating footsteps finally. But one voice stood out.

"Go on. I'll be right out." a male voice said.

It was him. If he tried to talk to her, she'd push him away. She didn't need that now. He rested his hand on her shoulder and she bolted upright.

"What!" she said angrily.

"Katie, calm down."

"No. You need to go away. Far away from me." she said trying to keep her voice steady.

She hated him. She hated what he'd done to her. He'd put her in this godforsaken place. He was the reason she wasn't dead.

"I'm not going anywhere." he said looking at sincerely.

"Go away Oliver," she said narrowing her eyes at him.

Oliver stared back at her and shook his head.

"GO AWAY!" she screamed pushing him away from her.

She succeeded in moving him a few steps back, but he was bigger and stronger than her. He looked at her astonished.

****

And you'd cry a little

Die just a little

And, baby, I would feel just a little less pain

I gave, now I'm wanting

Something in return

So cry just a little for me

****

"Fine, push me away. I only wanted to help you," he said turning to go.

That had done it. He'd crossed the line.

"Help me? Help me! Oh, that's rich! You want to help me now. Where were you to help me when Marcus Flint humiliated me in the Great Hall last year, huh? And where were you to help me when my parents told me I was nothing to them? Where were you when Alicia spread that rumor about me and Percy? Huh! Off shagging Paris I suppose. Or planning another Quidditch tactic on those bloody charts of yours. Maybe, just maybe, if you didn't have your head so far up your ass you would have realized something. I was in love with you. Yeah, look shocked. I have been dying a little bit every day since I met you," she said ripping off her bandages, "See? This wasn't the first time. Every time you hugged me after a game. Every time you smiled at me. Every time you kissed another girl. You didn't care then, so why do you fucking care now! You wanna help me? Kill me," she said tears streaming down her face.

She put her face in her hands and cried. She cried harder than she had ever cried in her life. She felt him put his arm around her shoulders. She moved away from him, looking at him lividly.

****

Give it up, baby

I hear you're doing fine

Nothing's gonna save me

'Till I see it in your eyes

Some kind of heartache, honey

Give it a try

I don't want pity

I just want what is mine

****

"Don't you touch me. Don't you fucking touch me! Pity, that's the only reason you're still here. I don't want your pity. Just go....go with your friends."

Oliver stood and sighed heavily, "I wish you would have told me," was all he said before leaving her to cry alone.

****

She stayed the night in the hospital wing. She supposed the teachers wanted to keep a watch on her. She fell into a fitful sleep, dreaming of being in that padded room in St. Mungo's. She woke feeling a hand on her forehead. Oliver was sitting by her bedside, and the crowd that had been there the day prior were back. She wondered momentarily why they weren't in class, but then remembered that it was the weekend. Coming to her senses, she slapped Oliver's hand away.

"I thought I told you not to touch me."

"You were dreaming. It had to right awful. I was just trying to calm you down."

"Can't any of you take a hint? I want to be left alone. Meaning, you all should go away," Katie said angrily crossing her arms across her chest.

"Guess we can't then," Fred said smiling, though it looked more like a grimace as his eyes flickered to her bandaged arms.

'God, I feel like Harry. How everyone's always looking his bloody scar and not him,' she thought ironically.

"Well you better get it before I get Madam Pomfrey over her to escort you out," she said shrewdly.

The group all seemed to look down or in some other way away from her, before moving to leave. Only Oliver remained. Again.

****

Could you cry a little

Lie just a little

Pretend that you're feeling a little more pain

I gave, now I'm wanting

Something in return

So cry just a little for me

****

"Please go away, I'm tired of yelling." Katie said rubbing her right temple.

Oliver was silent for many moments before finally speaking.

"I'm sorry Katie. I'm sorry you feel like you have to do this to yourself because of things that have happened. I'm sorry that I have hurt your feelings. And I'm sorry I wasn't a better friend."

Katie felt a pang of guilt at seeing the emotion in his eyes, but she pushed it down. She wasn't letting him off the hook. Or anyone else for that matter. She was hurt, and still hurting, and they all needed to pay for it.

"Guilty Wood?" she said sarcastically, "Because I've never heard you say you were sorry."

Oliver looked around, looking for something else to focus on as he spoke his next words.

"Maybe I do. But I mean it Katie. I never knew any of those things you told me last night. If I would have known, I would have tried to help you. Talked to you, before....you know." he said looking at his hands.

"God, go away!" Katie said throwing her hands up in the air, "I don't need apologies, I don't need your pity. I don't need your guilt. I hate this."

****

Give it up, baby

I hear you're doing fine

Nothing's gonna save me

'Till I see it in your eyes

Some kind of heartache, honey

Give it a try

I don't want pity

I just want what is mine

****

She felt the tears welling in her eyes as she continued, "I'm gone. Nothing can save me. Everyone else has their perfect lives and their significant other or whatever! They have plans. I have nothing. I AM nothing. And I hate it! Why can't you people just accept that I want to die? I have nothing to live for. I don't want to graduate from Hogwarts and work at the Ministry like Percy. I don't want to play professional Quidditch like you. I want to start all over again. Maybe I could change it all. Turn out differently. But I can't start all over again. So, just cry for me. I'm already dead," she said turning away from him and laying down facing the wall again.

****

And you'd cry a little

Die just a little

And, baby, I would feel just a little less pain

I gave, now I'm wanting

Something in return

So cry just a little for me

****

She heard footsteps approaching the bed.

"Miss Bell, if you would please get dressed and come with me. We need to have a talk in my office."

She looked up to see Dumbledore standing at the end of her bed and Oliver's retreating back. She sighed loudly, but obliged, grabbing her clothes and pulling the curtains closed. She changed quickly, leaving the pajamas folded on the bed, and followed Dumbledore from the hospital wing. They walked in silence. They ran into students every so often and obviously word had got out about her, because people were looking at her, pitying her. She contented herself by looking at the floor as they walked. She chose to look up only when she heard her name.

"Bell!" a cold voice sounded behind her.

Both Katie and Dumbledore turned to see Draco Malfoy running after them. Katie groaned inwardly. That little git was the last person she wanted to see.

"What Malfoy." she said crossing her arms in front of her.

She knew her bandages were peeking through around her hands, but she didn't care at this point.

"I just wanted to know if it was true or not."

"Yes, I tried to off myself. I figured you'd be happy about that," she said heatedly, "One less Gryffindor."

Malfoy looked hurt at her words, but soon recovered, his smirk replacing his frown.

"Well you don't have to be cynical with me Bell. I was going to welcome you to the club," he said smoothly, "People with miserable lives have to stick together."

And with that he walked off. Katie went to lunge after him, but Dumbledore caught the back of her robes.

"Come now, Miss Bell."

They walked the rest of the way to Dumbledore's office in complete silence. Katie was replaying what Malfoy had said over and over again.

'That little fuck,' she thought as she and Dumbledore entered his office.

Katie looked at the room angrily. Every one of her teachers was inside.

"What's this?" she asked accusingly at Dumbledore.

Katie looked around the room. They were all there. Staring at her. Pitying her. She had to get out of there. She turned to run, but Dumbledore was blocking the door.

"This is why you kept me in the hospital wing? To arrange this little meeting? Well I'm sorry Professor, but I can't stay around for this," Katie said almost pleadingly.

Dumbledore conjured a chair and pointed to it.

"Sit, Miss Bell."

"Well I'm a not a dog," Katie muttered as she sat down and the teacher closest to her, Professor Lupin, stifled a laugh.

She chose to ignore him; the depressed state of her mind was telling her that he was laughing at her, not at her joke. She glanced around the room. Snape looked less than pleased to be there. She choked back a laugh at the thought that her and Snape were agreeing on something. McGonagall looked worried, but very stern nonetheless. She heard a loud noise and turned to see Hagrid, blowing his nose. Tiny Professor Flitwick was looking very somber, as was Professor Vector. Trelawney looked her normal self, of course, she always looked as if death was coming for someone or something. And then she looked back at Dumbledore.

"Well?" she asked throwing up her hands, "Can we start the interrogation sometime today?"

"There will be nothing of the sort. I informed all of your teachers about the incident because I wanted to prove something to you. And overhearing your conversation with Mr. Wood, I think you need to hear some things."

Katie stealthily rolled her eyes, but looked at him expectantly.

"Well," he continued, "You said that you couldn't be saved. I only hope that is not true. It would be a great loss to the school if you were not here, much to your disbelief I'm sure."

"So you say. Prove it," she said looking at each teacher in the room, "I know for a fact that Professor Snape doesn't care. He looks about as pleased about this as I feel."

Snape slightly glowered at her, "I wouldn't assume things you don't understand."

"And what may I ask, don't I understand?"

"You have no idea the consequences of your actions. I had to make a potion for you, a complicated one at that, to replenish all the blood you lost. If you would have been found any later, you would have been dead," he said in a tone only he possessed.

"I know that. Why do you think I'm so pissed off? That was my plan," she said in a strained voice.

Snape raised an eyebrow, "Well, I tried Headmaster. Anyone else going to try and talk some sense into this girl?"

She noticed Professor Lupin studying her and looked at him curiously. But it was McGonagall who spoke.

"What about your friends, Miss Bell? They care about you. I know that to be true."

"They only cared when I was half dead in the bathroom," Katie said and at her words Hagrid blew his nose again.

"Now that ain't true Katie and ya know it," he sniffled.

"Please Hagrid, spare me."

Trelawney turned to her suddenly, "I knew you would try this. I saw it at the beginning of the year. I was afraid you would succeed. My vision showed you in peril, but not death."

Katie said nothing to her, just rolled her eyes.

"You're one of the most intelligent in your class," Flitwick said slowly.

"And where do brains get you? No where," Katie said, glancing at Dumbledore, who looked quite amused by what was going on.

She noticed Lupin looking at her again and turned to him.

"What? What do you have to say?"

"I know how you feel," he said finally.

"Yeah right."

"No, I do. I've been where you are right now. I've felt and said the same things you've been saying. Trust me, I know," he said looking at him compassionately, "And if it wasn't for some of my friends, I probably wouldn't be here today. I confided in them, trusted them, and the only thing they wanted was the same in return. I'm sure your friends would be the same way."

Katie looked at him sadly, "No, no they won't. They don't care at all."

"You haven't given them a chance to."

Katie looked at him, enraged, but yet she felt as if she would cry.

"I don't want to give them a chance. They'd all be better off without me. My parents don't want me anymore and neither does Oliver. I just....I just can't be here anymore."

Before she knew it, Lupin was hugging her. He was hugging her like a father. Like a brother. Like a friend. It caught her off guard. She hugged him though, because deep down she knew that he did know. He knew because of what he was. Katie had figured it out a few months ago and had thought him to be very brave. Even now. He was hugging her. In front of staff and the Headmaster. That kind of behavior was usually frowned upon. But she clung to him, because she needed a hug right then. She could hear Hagrid blowing his nose again and Professor McGonagall sniff slightly. Lupin let go of her and looked at her seriously.

"Please tell me you'll think about this," he said his hands gripping the sides of her arms.

"I'll try," she said honestly, her mind running at a mile a minute.

Lupin smiled at her softly, "If you ever need to talk, you know where my room is. Don't hesitate to drop in."

Katie laughed, this was all too much for her to comprehend. She laughed, until she began to cry. That was when Lupin hugged her again. That was when she knew that someone cared about her.

****

Could you cry a little

Lie just a little

Pretend that you're feeling a little more pain

I gave, now I'm wanting

Something in return

So cry just a little for me

****

As soon as Lupin let go of her, she stood from her chair and ran to the door. Dumbledore was still guarding it.

"Professor, please."

Dumbledore smiled and stepped aside. Katie pushed the door open and ran down the moving staircase, and out of the office. She had to talk to everyone. She looked at her watch.

"Quidditch practice," she said cursing under her breath.

She pulled her robes around her and ran down to the entrance hall and outside. She started running towards the pitch when she saw people flying around it. As she got closer, she recognized that it was definitely the Gryffindor team. She felt anger seethe through her. They were practicing without her. She stopped running and turned around, prepared to walk right back up to the castle. As she did, she noticed a figure sitting by the lake that she hadn't noticed. As she got closer, she noticed the blonde hair. It was Draco Malfoy. She walked up to him, intent on asking him a few things.

"What're you doing out here Malfoy?" she asked as she approached.

He ducked his head and wiped at his face before looking at her.

"Hey Bell." he said simply.

"Were you crying?" she asked, the thought almost comical.

Malfoy looked out over the lake, sighing, "Malfoys don't cry."

Katie rolled her eyes, "Ok, so what did you mean earlier? Were you just trying to make fun of me?"

He looked up at her once more, "I meant that, I know what you're going through. I cut myself too," he said pulling up the sleeves of his robes.

He didn't have as many cuts, Katie noticed, but he was younger than her too. She walked over and sat beside him.

"What's your reason? You have the perfect life, albeit a Dark life."

Malfoy snorted, "My father. I have been beaten since I was a child. Cutting helps. It takes my mind off the bruises."

He pulled down the collar of his dress shirt to reveal the remnants of a bruise on his neck, and then he turned, four others lay on the other side. A handprint.

"Christmas," he continued, "I said the wrong thing, he picked me up by my throat. Of course, I never say the right thing."

He looked down at his hands and then back up at her. His face asking her the same question she'd asked him. She sighed deeply before answering.

"Well, my parents told me before I left for school that they no longer cared about me. That I was nothing to them and I had been a mistake. And here, I have friends who spread rumors about me and a guy who won't even look at me as anything more than a teammate. Then there's the teasing I get, mainly in Potions. Mainly from Marcus," she said angrily, "God I hate him."

Malfoy laughed, "Its not hard to is it?"

Katie smiled and looked at him, "I cannot believe I'm having a civilized conversation with you. Although, after hearing your story, I feel pretty stupid about cutting myself."

"Well, no one's perfect. And I'd appreciate it if you didn't go off and tell everyone about this. I have a reputation to keep," Malfoy said smirking.

"Don't worry about it. I don't thing anyone would believe me anyway."

Katie smiled and for the first time, felt better about herself. She was looking out over the lake, thinking about everything. She heard a sharp intake of breath from beside and turned to see Draco with his head in his hands. She didn't know what came over her, but before she knew it, she threw and arm around and pulled him closer to her. He didn't resist. On the contrary, he leaned into her.

"Hey. Hey. Its alright," she said soothingly.

He shook his head against her shoulder and hiccoughed.

"Yes it is," Katie said rocking him slightly, "You just have to be strong. Your father won't have control over you forever. When you graduate, you could move. Far away. And he'll never find you."

She heard footsteps behind her and cursed under her breath. The person didn't say anything. Just sat down beside her. She looked and saw that it was Harry. He nodded his head at Draco, raising an eyebrow. Katie closed her eyes and tightened her grip on the boy, continuing to rock him as he tried to get his breathing under control. She shook her head and then looked down at Draco mournfully. She thought Harry must have understood the seriousness of the situation, because he just sat quietly beside them.

Katie glanced at him and then back at Draco. The irony of this situation was monumental. Harry had lost his parents, Katie's parents didn't want her, and Draco's father beats him. She had never thought of others like that before. In all honesty, she was too busy worrying about herself. She was being selfish. Her dying wouldn't help anyone, it would only cause more problems.

She felt Draco shift beside her as he wiped at his eyes. The moment was ruined when he noticed Harry.

"What's he doing here?"

"Its alright. Don't worry about him," Katie said shifting so she was blocking Draco's view of Harry, "Are you alright?"

"I was until I saw him."

"Trust me Malfoy, I won't tell a soul. At least now I know you're human," Harry said from the other side of Katie.

Katie smiled quickly at Draco, "See? Told ya."

Draco gave his trademark smirk and nodded, "Fan-fucking-tastic. You want to join the club too Potter?"

Harry looked at them confused, and Katie laughed loudly.

"I highly doubt that Harry would do that to himself," she said turning to Harry, "I mean, bad things have happened to him, but he's smart."

Harry looked at them both, "I've thought about it. But I would never do it."

Katie nodded, "See, he's the smart one."

Draco smiled, an expression that looked foreign on his face, "I agree. But Potter, you better not tell anyone about this. I still don't trust you."

Harry nodded in agreement and Katie smiled once more. She looked at Harry.

"Are they still practicing?"

"Uh, yeah. You want to go over?" Harry asked.

"You go on ahead. I'll be right over."

And with that, Harry stood and walked towards the pitch. Beside her, Draco stood and held out a hand. She took it and he helped her up.

'I hate being short,' she thought as she stood about the same height as Draco.

Draco hugged her suddenly.

"Thanks Bell," he murmured, "For you know, not making fun of me."

She pulled away and looked at him stunned, "Why would I make fun of you? We're technically in the same situation," she said having a realization, "I wouldn't make fun of you because you cried if that's what you're thinking."

His face went uncharacteristically red, "Well, I wasn't sure."

"Your secret is safe with me."

"Thanks."

She was amazed at his vulnerability. She had never thought of Draco as being able to show any emotion but hatred. For Gryffindors, for muggle-borns, and for Harry. But this was a whole other side. Probably one no one had ever seen. In her head, Katie considered herself lucky enough to be trusted.

"No problem. I better get going. I have some people to apologize to."

Draco nodded, "See you around Bell."

"See you around Malfoy."

****

She apologized to everyone that night in the common room. Angelina had cried and Alicia had hugged her so tightly she almost couldn't breathe. Fred, George and Lee had hugged her also, but in a way that showed how much they were worried that they'd almost lost her. Ron had smiled and nodded and Hermione had cried a little. Percy had tried to remain calm and take it all in, but Katie knew he was having hard time accepting everything. Harry already knew everything, so he just watched the others for their reactions. Paris had hugged her and offered for her to come talk to her if Katie needed too. The last was Oliver. Oliver whom she had yelled at, repeatedly. He sat beside her the whole time and stayed there as everyone else left.

"You're very brave."

Katie looked at him confused, "Why am I brave?"

"It took a lot of guts to tell us all of that. I'm proud of you," he said looking at her sincerely, "I'm here for you too you know. We all are. Anytime you feel upset, come to us. You won't ever be a bother."

Katie went to say something, but Oliver shushed her.

"No, I know that's what you're thinking," he said standing, "Come on, I'll walk you to your room."

They walked up the flights of stairs to the dormitories. They stopped on her floor. The fifth years floor. He still had another two floors to go, seeing as he was graduating that year.

"Well, I'll see ya," Katie said turning to walk into her room.

Oliver stopped her, placing a hand on her arm.

"And Katie, I did cry for you." he said placing a kiss on her cheek and walking towards the staircases once more.

Katie turned and walked into her room, careful not to disturb her roommates. Maybe things would be ok. Maybe people did care about her. As she lay in her bed, staring at her ceiling, she thought that things would be ok.

****

Cry just a little for me

Could you cry a little for me

****

*Fin*