I Only Wanted

****

    Saturday morning, Katie got up early and skipped breakfast to take a walk in the crisp fall air. She loved the fall. Since Snape hadn't given her a time for her detention, she was going to go down to the dungeons after breakfast and check with him. But, in the meantime, Katie contented herself with climbing atop a rock by the lake. That was her place. And since the land by the lake had been claimed as "Gryffindor Land" in her third year, Katie had claimed the rock as hers. In the fall and spring, she would go there and sit. Just to get away from everyone. Away from the hustle and bustle of the castle and just listen to the water and the wind blowing through the trees of the Dark Forest. It was peaceful. She liked it. She wasn't sure how long she had been sitting there, just staring at the water, but a voice sounded behind her.

    "Miss. Bell?"

    Katie turned her head to see Professor Lupin approaching her rock.

    "This is Gryffindor Land, Professor," Katie said, looking out over water once more.

    "Well, when I was in Gryffindor, the Land was over by that tree," Lupin said, standing beside the rock that Katie was sitting, "but it's been a while."

    Katie looked at him again. "You were in Gryffindor?"

    "Yes, in fact, I was in the same year as the Professor you have detention with today," he said, smiling boyishly.

    "Don't remind me," Katie said, before realizing she'd just addressed a Professor like a normal person, "Professor. I'm sorry."

    Lupin laughed. "It's alright, I don't mind," he said, looking out over the water, "I noticed you weren't at breakfast, Katie."

    "I wasn't hungry. I'm just nervous. I've never gotten a detention before."

    Lupin nodded. "I wasn't much for detentions either when I was your age. But one too many pranks and that’s where you end up," he said, pausing before continuing, "Professor McGonagall voiced her concern for you. And as I hear it, you were provoked into pouring a cauldron on Mr. Flint's head," he said, smiling again, making him look much younger than Katie knew he had to be.

    Katie sighed. "So the whole school knows, eh? First match against Slytherin ought to be loads of fun then," she said sarcastically.

    "Maybe. But who cares what the school thinks happened? You know. And that’s all that matters," Lupin said, looking out over the lake again.

    Katie looked at him appraisingly and smiled. "Thank you, Professor Lupin."

    "Don't mention it, Miss. Bell," he said, looking up at her.

    A thought came into her head at that moment. If Snape had known her parents, then maybe Lupin had too. Maybe that’s why he was out here talking to her in the first place. Skirting around the thing he really wanted to say to her. But just as she was about to ask him, he looked at his watch and looked back up at Katie.

    "Well, breakfast is over. Better get you back up to the castle for your detention," he said, offering her a hand.

    She declined it, choosing to stand on the rock and make her usual dismount. A jump not unlike someone stepping over the edge of a cliff. Katie landed squarely on her feet, bending her knees to take the blow off of her weak ankles. She looked over at Lupin, who was looking at her trying not to look worried. Katie shrugged her shoulders and started to walk off toward the castle. She heard Lupin jog up to walk beside her.

    "Do you do that a lot, Miss. Bell?" he asked, a joking tone to his voice.

    "Yes, I do. Don't worry, I'm a Quidditch player. I've got an excellent sense of balance," she said, smiling at him.

    He returned the smile, and Katie found herself thinking that Lupin would make a good dad. She then started to wonder if he was. It would make sense. He was rather handsome.

    She shook her head, deciding it was best to have a clear head to deal with Snape today. He had talked to Marcus, as he had told her he would, and Marcus had heeded whatever Snape had said to him. He avoided her in the halls, not even chancing a glance at her. And the comments in Potions had ceased. She shook her head again. She was thinking again. Beside her, Lupin glanced her way. Katie smiled apologetically.

    "Brain's on automatic pilot today. It won't stop thinking," she said sheepishly.

    Lupin laughed as he held the door to entrance hall open. "I've had those days."

    Katie thanked him as she walked through the door and into the entrance hall. Lupin headed toward the large marble staircase, but stopped and turned to Katie.

    "Good luck today, Miss. Bell."

    "Thanks, I'm going to need it," Katie said, and with a small wave, she headed towards the dungeons.

    She walked down the small winding staircase and proceeded toward the Potions classroom. The door to the room was closed, so she knocked tentatively. She heard movement and a moment later, the door was opened by Snape.

    "I was just coming down to ask when I should serve my detention because you didn't give me a time, Professor," Katie said hastily.

    Snape stood back from the door, motioning for her to enter. "Now is fine, Miss. Bell. I was just collecting the ingredients needed for a potion that you're going to help me with."

    Katie didn't dare voice her confusion, but followed his lead. He walked up to a desk that was normally hidden from view. Spread out on it was a book and a massive amount of ingredients. There was a chair on either side of the table. Snape walked around and sat on the opposite side and motioned for Katie to sit in the empty table. Looking around the room, the question, "Entertain much?", popped into her mind and she bit the side of her mouth in chastisement. Snape was looking at the book that had been laying on the table.

    "What's the potion?" Katie asked, curious as to why a Potions Master needed her help.

    But then she supposed, it wouldn't be detention if time wasn't spent with Snape. This thought almost made her laugh and she bit the other side of her mouth.

    "It’s a new discovery. A Wolfsbane Potion. Its for werewolves. If taken in the weeks prior to the full moon, the werewolf keeps its human mind when it transforms," Snape said, sitting down the book.

    "So, why do you have to make it?" Katie asked, because honestly, she was very confused.

    It was a brilliant discovery. She hated prejudice in any form and it was severe in the case of the werewolves.

    "Do you always ask so many questions?" Snape asked, sarcastically.

    'Not in your class,' Katie thought, slouching in her chair.

    She heard Snape sigh across the table.

    "We are going to make it because, I feel that losing Gryffindor points was enough of a punishment for you and I want you to learn something today."

    Katie looked at him with an eyebrow raised. But Snape beat her to the punch.

    "Look, it’s a very complicated potion and it'll give you practice for what is going to come in Advanced Potions this year," he said in a no-nonsense voice.

    Katie decided not to question him further and just to help him. She didn't want to know who the potion was for, or why Snape was making it. One thing Katie was sure of was that it was a complicated potion. But she actually had fun. Snape had been right; she must have a rare gift because she didn't know a single person who actually enjoyed Potions. Hours flew by, and soon enough, the potion was completed and Katie looked at it, thoroughly proud of herself.

    "You see, Miss. Bell, Potions can be rewarding," Snape said, somewhat haughtily.

    But Katie had to agree with him. "Yeah, it can."

    Snape looked at her, kind of how an uncle surveys their favorite niece or nephew.

    "Ten points to Gryffindor. You did well today, Miss. Bell. You may go now," he said, shooing her from the table.

    Katie left the dungeons feeling lighter. She had earned back some points for Gryffindor, and she had a fun detention. With Snape. She laughed as she climbed the stairs toward Gryffindor Tower. No one would believe her. When she entered the common room, she was assaulted with questions from a sea of red.

    "You're alive!" Fred said, playing up the dramatic.

    "How'd it go?" George asked, his face breaking into a grin.

    "You had us worried. You never showed up at breakfast," Percy said, placing a hand on her shoulder.

    "Yes, I'm alive. It went fine, I earned ten points for Gryffindor. And sorry Perce, but I wasn't hungry," she said, looking to each Weasley in turn.

    "How the bloody hell did you earn points in detention? And with Snape!" Fred asked, positively scandalized.

    "I helped him with a potion as my detention, and because I did so well, he awarded me points," Katie said shrugging.

    George placed the back of his hand on Katie's forehead, and compared her temperature with his. "Well, she feels normal. Maybe its Snape."

    "I think you're right," Fred said, looking at his twin and then back at Katie, "You hungry now? We were going to go down and get some lunch."

    "Yeah, sure, I could eat," she said following them out of the portrait hole.

    Eating with the Weasley's was always interesting. A fight always ensued and insults were always thrown back and forth between the siblings. She had learned over the years that this was normal, and like an oncoming train, you couldn't stop it.

    "Fred, I am not having this discussion with you again," Percy said, sighing heavily.

    "What discussion?" Katie asked curiously, looking between the brothers.

    "Fred expects me to give him advice on girls," Percy said exasperated.

    "Well, you are my older brother," Fred said, obviously trying to get Percy started up.

    "And what, in all our years, gives you any insinuation that I would be able to give you advice. Well, advice that you'd actually listen to," Percy said, using his fork to convey his statement.

    "You got Penelope didn't you?" Fred said, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

    Katie giggled as Percy blushed. "He's got a point Perce."

    "Oh, now don't you start! You're supposed to be on my side!" Percy said indignantly.

    "I go on whichever side makes sense, and right now, its Fred," Katie said, nodding towards Fred, "By the way, Fred, who are you talking about in regards to girls?"

    Fred looked at her shocked. Katie had switched allegiances in one sentence and was now ganging up on Fred.

    "I'd rather like to know that myself," George said, sharing a smile with Katie.

    Fred just kept staring at Katie as if he'd never seen anything like her before. Katie thought for a moment and then let out a yell.

    "Oh! Ang, right?" she said smiling.

    Fred opened and closed his mouth a few times and turned back to his food. It took a lot to render a Weasley twin speechless, but Katie had succeeded. The other two Weasley's and Katie began taunting Fred, but Katie called a truce, just long enough to whisper something to Fred.

    "She likes you too," she whispered, and then sat back and watched as Fred's face contorted in concentration.

    He leaned over and planted a kiss on her cheek. "Thanks, Kate, you're the best," he said quickly before dashing out of the Great Hall.

    Katie, George, and Percy burst in laughter, as they tried to finish their lunch.

****

    When lessons started back up on Monday, the school was a buzz about how Katie's fifty point loss had now decreased to a thirty-five point loss. The five Katie and Angelina had earned in Potions that day had bumped it down to forty-five and Katie had earned ten more from Snape. But no one but Katie, the twins, and Percy really knew that. Katie noticed how the other Houses were all whispering about the Gryffindors. But Oliver couldn't have been prouder. Obviously, the twins had told him what she had told them. Katie made a mental note never to tell Fred and George anything, ever again. The pride on Oliver's face was too much to bare and she spent most of the day avoiding him.

****

    Tuesday afternoon, the proverbial shit hit the proverbial fan. Smack dab in the middle of Advanced Potions, McGonagall interrupted the class and requested Katie to come with her. Snape, looking as if he had been waiting for the interruption, excused her. A fleeting thought said this must be about the O.W.L.s, but McGonagall was leading her down a hallway she had never been down before. McGonagall stopped in front of a statue of a gargoyle and turned to look at Katie.

    "Miss. Bell, Professor Dumbledore has requested your presence. He received some news today that he needs to share with you," she said, not waiting for a reaction or comment and looked at the gargoyle, "Sugar Quill."

    Katie watched as the gargoyle hopped aside to reveal a moving staircase.

    "Just step onto the staircase and knock on the door at the top. I'm afraid I have to leave you," McGonagall said, looking at her with a great sadness in her eyes, before leaving Katie standing in front of the moving staircase.

    She stepped onto it and it winded as it went higher. She stepped off of it at a landing and just as McGonagall had said, there was a large wooden door in front of her. She walked to it and tentatively knocked on it. A moment later, it opened and Dumbledore stood before her, looking very grave.

    "Come in, Miss Bell," he said, stepping back to allow her to enter.

    He shut the door and motioned for her to sit in the chair before his desk. She did, but suspiciously. She watched as Dumbledore took his sit behind his massive desk and surveyed her through his half moon spectacles.

    "Miss. Bell, I received a rather….odd letter today. It was from your parents. Well, I'd rather not recite it to you, but they seem to want to relinquish their rights of being your parents," he said, handing over the letter for Katie to see.

    Katie read through the letter, carefully. Absorbing every word. She couldn't believe this. Abandonment was bad enough, but now. Now she was-

    "I'm a bloody orphan," Katie said, looking from the letter and back to Dumbledore.

    She had always thought that Dumbledore was all powerful. Surely he could fix her parents. Make them forget that they didn't want her. But by the look on his face, Katie knew this was it. It was over. Katie had been orphaned by her parents and now she had nothing. And there was nothing Dumbledore could do about it.

    Katie left the office politely, masking her grief. She heard the bell ring, but fought her way back to the dungeons to collect her stuff. She didn't look at anyone, not even when Snape seemed to be staring a hole through her, trying to gain any reaction from her. But Katie had closed herself off. She took her things up to Gryffindor Tower and ignoring the pain in her stomach, skipped dinner. She shut herself in the dormitory that she shared with Angelina and Alicia and charmed her bed hangings to be impenetrable.

    She just stared at them, her bed hangings. Stared until her eyes began to water and she had to flush them. She vaguely heard Angelina and Alicia come into the dorm. She heard what must have been Angelina, receive a shock when she tried to move the bed hangings aside.

    "Katie, what happened? You weren't at dinner again. And what did McGonagall want?" Angelina managed to yell through the charm.

    Katie didn't answer. She just rolled onto her side and tried to sleep. Sleep would not come and Katie would become a walking zombie the next day, and the next, and the next. Most of the House was showing some form of concern for their fellow Gryffindor, but Lee was the only one to actually approach her. Katie reckoned they must have voted him their representative.

    She sat on the couch in front of the fire, trying to concentrate on her assignment on banshees for Professor Lupin. Lee came over and sat beside her, saying nothing. Just his presence seemed to help Katie concentrate better. She soon finished the assignment and stood up to leave the common room. Lee didn't move a muscle to stop her, he knew better.

    But no one in Gryffindor knew what Katie was capable of when left to her own devices. Katie climbed the stairs to her dormitory quickly and threw her books on her bed. She reached into her dresser and pulled out the large piece of mirror. She walked into the bathroom and charmed it locked. She stood looking at herself for a long moment. She had deep purple bags under her eyes and her cheeks lacked their natural red tint. She blinked at her image, before dropping to the floor in a heap.

    The tears came then. Tears she had been holding back for days. She quickly murmured a silencing charm on the room and proceeded to bawl her eyes out. All that pent up rage and sadness came out in a rush as she hiked up the sleeves of her robes and the sweater beneath. She grabbed the mirror and began adding to her "collection" as Marcus had so eloquently called it.

    Cut after cut. Breaking the skin so irrationally, that it looked torn. Blood flowed down her arms in rivers. But she didn't have time for neatness. She couldn't see through her tears and she barely noticed the large amount of blood now seeping into her robes. She stopped and threw the glass to the floor. It skidded across the tile and came to a stop a few feet from her. Katie looked down at her arms once, before dissolving into tears once more. She hated doing this. Hated it. But it always made her feel better.

    She sat there for a few moments, trying to get her breathing under control. When she had stopped hiccoughing, she stood shakily and retrieved her piece of glass. She took the charms off of the room and pulled down her sweater sleeves gingerly. She left the bathroom and quickly returned the glass in her dresser drawer. Before she could even contemplate changing, she felt an overwhelming dizzying feeling. Katie took a few steps and collapsed onto her bed, passing out.

    And her roommates, seeing that Katie was getting some well-needed "sleep", left her to it and climbed into their own beds. They didn't see the blood that was seeping into the maroon bedspread that Katie was laying on.