I Loved You More

Chapter #34

The Questioning

The trees of the forest were shaking their branches, grasping at the wind. Lily could feel it rushing at her face, drying her eyes, tugging at her robes. She glanced around to see James trailing her, grin in place.

They were flying. They were happy. Back to normal.

"Try to keep up!" she taunted.

"I don't need to try!" he shot back.

Lily smiled and leaned over her broomstick. She loved this.

She was expecting him to pull up next to her; his ego never permitted anything less. When he didn't, she tore her eyes from the horizon once again.

"What's the hold up?" She gaped when she saw that James had dropped a little further back. "Come on, stop fooling around!"

"I'm coming!" yelled James. His grin tensed in concentration. He didn't move any closer. Lily thought he might even be falling further behind.

"Fly, James! Are you a Quidditch captain or not?"

"I'm coming!" he cried again, his voice softened by the growing distance.

Lily whirled her broom to a stop. "Come on!" she yelled.

He frowned, his brow furrowed, his teeth clenched. But there was no doubt now--he was moving backwards.

Lily started toward him. "James? James, what are you doing?"

James ducked lower on his broom. "I'm coming, Lily!" he yelled, his face twisted. But still, he was moving away from her, getting smaller and smaller.

Lily sped up and her heart raced too. "James!" The faster she went, the faster he moved away. "James, stop!"

"I'm coming!" his voice faded as he backed away. Darkness suddenly began to close around him.

"James!" Lily screeched, reaching out her arm as though it could reach across the vast distance between them. If only she could touch him she would be able to save him from whatever was sucking him away. But her hand grasped at air, unable to reach.

"James! No! James!"

It grew darker and darker. He was going to disappear completely.

"Come back! Please! Come back, James! I can't see you anymore! I can't see you!"

"Lily!"

Summer's pale face hovered in front of her. Lily blinked, gasping. She shivered, trying catch her breath. Why was she so wet? She turned her cheek against her damp pillow. She was soaked in cold sweat.

"You were having a nightmare."

Lily nodded. Hot tears fell from the corners of her eyes and into her hair. She could still see the look on James's face as he retracted into the darkness. Utter fear. "I know."

Summer stared down at her, her eyes full of concern. Slowly she laid a hand on Lily's head and stroked her hair. "You were screaming and crying."

Lily closed her eyes, pressing out more tears and shook her head, trying so hard to get the image of her head.

"He was disappearing, Summer."

"C'mere," Summer whispered.

Lily opened her eyes and sat up to fall into Summer's shoulder. Summer held her and Lily cried for a long time. The tears exhausted her, drained her, and she let go of Summer and laid back against her pillow, defeated. For once, it was not a relief to cry.

"You okay, Lil?" she asked softly.

Lily kept her eyes shut. "I love him," she breathed. "I just love him so much."

"Don't worry. It's okay, Lily. It'll be okay," she said.

But it wasn't. And Lily couldn't sleep.

* * *

Lily didn't go to breakfast. She was late for class because it took her a long time to convince herself to get out of bed. It would be so much easier to just stay by herself and lie there, thinking about him...And so much harder.

Sirius wasn't in any of their classes that morning. At lunch, Lily went to find him in his dormitory. She climbed the stairs and knocked on the boys' door. No one answered.

"Sirius?" Lily opened the door.

The dormitory was deserted. There were four empty, unmade beds and the sight made Lily choke back more tears. Two of the beds had been left that morning, the third's occupant was recovering in the hospital wing, but who knew if the fourth's would ever return?

She stepped a little closer to James's bed. His pillow still held the imprint of his head. His red sweater was thrown over the bedpost; a pair of shoes was strewn next to his trunk where he had kicked them off. A glass of water sat on the bed stand. Everything was exactly how James had left it that night of the battle in Hogsmeade. For a moment, Lily could imagine nothing had changed since then. It was almost as though he would throw open the door and come striding into the room. Only for a moment.

Lily took another step closer to the bed, drawn to the closeness of James, the feeling that he was nearby--perhaps at lunch with the Marauders or the outside on his broomstick. She touched the sheet that hung off the mattress and wondered if his smell still lingered on the pillow. Slowly, she slid onto the bed and sunk into the pillow. She felt her bones settle into place, each of her muscles easing into relaxation, as though she was getting into a hot bath. She took a deep breath of James's smell. Like breathing into his hair. She turned her face into it, soaking it in. He felt so near.

"Oh, James," she whispered. "I love you."

* * *

"Lily? Lily!"

Lily opened her eyes. Sirius was standing over her bed, looking relieved.

"What? What are you doing up here? What time is it?" demanded Lily, sitting up and raking her hands through her hair.

"What am I doing here? This is my dormitory."

Lily's hands dropped to her sides and she looked around the room, remembering.

"What time is it?" she gasped, swinging her legs onto the floor.

"It's time for dinner. How long have you been in here?"

"I came in here looking for you after morning classes. Where were you?"

"I snuck into the hospital wing to see Moony."

Lily stood up and stretched, surprised at how refreshed she felt and how much time had passed. It was the first time nightmares had not disturbed her sleep since she had left St. Mungo's. "How is Remus?"

"He's fine--physically. The nurse is just keeping an eye on him at this point. He's just sick worrying about whether or not he bit someone that night. James and--we never planned on leaving him for long and Wormtail wasn't able to control him, him being a rat and all. He's pretty sure he would know if he had bitten a person but that night was so chaotic..."

Lily nodded, understanding. The consequences of that one night extended far beyond James. Everyone Lily cared about had been affected. It should have made her feel worse, but in an odd way, it distracted her from what kept her up at night, from the pain that was always twisting her heart.

Suddenly the door burst open and Peter Pettigrew stumbled into the room. "Professor McGonagall wants--" His sentence stuttered to a stop and his eyes widened when he saw Lily sitting on the bed. "W-what...?"

Lily glared at him, annoyed that he could still be embarrassed about a girl in his dormitory in the midst of everything that was going on.

"Come on, mate, don't wet your pants. She won't hurt you," said Sirius scathingly. "What were you saying?"

Peter blushed and made to pull himself together. "Professor McGonagall is down in the common room. She told me to come get you," he said. Then he turned to Lily. "Actually, she wanted to talk to you, too. But I reckon she didn't think I'd find you up here."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Oh, shut up. Here, Evans, take James's cloak and sneak up to the girls' dorm. Then you can come back down."

Gladly, Lily took James's prized possession and covered her body with it. She crept down to the common room, where McGonagall was waiting with her arms crossed and climbed up to the girls' dormitory. Wondering vaguely if she was in trouble for missing all her afternoon classes, she tucked the cloak safely into her trunk and headed back downstairs. Sirius was already in the common room. He looked worried. Suddenly, realization struck her. She stopped dead.

"Oh, my God. No! He's gone, isn't he?" cried Lily, her hands flying to her face. She felt her knees go weak and her mind go blank. "NO. Not James. What happened to him?"

Sirius dashed toward her, seeing that she was about to collapse, and McGonagall's mouth dropped in horror. "Nothing! For heaven's sake, it's not James. He's still at St. Mungo's."

Lily gulped a breath of air. She gripped Sirius's shoulder and tried to steady herself. "Oh." She turned to Sirius, feeling dizzy, and hissed, "Don't do that to me."

The three of them glanced around. Everybody in the common room was staring at Lily. McGonagall waved her hand at them. "Keep studying please!" She looked back at Lily uneasily. "You two--follow me."

Lily and Sirius followed the unnerved professor through porthole and through the corridors until they reached the gargoyle that guarded the entrance to Dumbledore's office. "Licorice," said McGonagall. The statue sprung to life and stepped aside. "Professor Dumbledore needs to talk to you. I'll leave you here."

She whisked away and, without a word, Lily and Sirius stepped onto the staircase. The staircase whirled slowly upward until they reached the heavy oak doors at the top. Sirius glanced at Lily as they stood in front of the doors. "You gonna be okay?" he asked her suddenly.

Lily turned away from him. "I hope so," she murmured. Then she raised her fist and knocked.

"Come in."

Sirius pushed open the door and they stepped into the circular room. Lily squinted as she looked around. Fiery evening light struck the windows and filtered into the office, misting around the tall figure of Professor Dumbledore and casting him in silhouette. Two men in bright purple robes sat in front of his desk. Ministry officials.

"Good evening," boomed Dumbledore's voice from behind his desk. "You're looking well."

Lily almost snorted as she thought about just how badly she must look and just how little she cared.

Dumbledore extended his arm toward the officials. "These men are from the Department of Magical Law Enforcement at the Ministry." He gestured to the taller of the two, with dark hair and a trimmed mustache. "Mr. Crouch is the Head of the Department and Mr. Whits is his assistant."

Mr. Crouch stood up and faced them stiffly, with none of Dumbledore's warmth. "We're here to speak to you about the events of the seventh of June. We understand that you are witnesses of Clive Pritchard's murder and James Potter's torture."

Lily looked at Sirius, her stomach clenching. She already knew she did not like this man. She could see the way he was looking at her, as though she was a package addressed to him with a big stamp that said "WITNESS." She imagined him questioning Di and seeing her the same way, only with a stamp saying "MURDERER," which to him, was probably a good enough reason to throw that package in Azkaban. How could she explain to this man how complicated it all actually was? And somehow, she must do it--so much was being laid on her shoulders. She was the witness, a factor in whether or not Mr. Crouch stamped Diana and Mr. Potter with the word "GUILTY."

"Please," said Dumbledore, taking a seat. He conjured up two crimson armchairs. "Sit down."

Lily and Sirius sat down, both feeling the pressure settling onto them, so heavy, it made them sink deeper into the cushions.

Crouch sat back down next to his colleague and immediately got down to business. He stared into Lily with cold eyes. "Explain to me what happened the night of the seventh of June. Use as many details as possible."

She glanced at Mr. Whits, who whipped out a scroll of parchment and a quill and held them at the ready for when Lily began to speak. Dumbledore loomed in the background, his face indiscernible in the lighting.

Lily took a deep breath and focused her efforts on holding Crouch's gaze. "Okay. That night, I left the common room with Tara and Di to get a snack and..."

Crouch interrupted her. "Tara...?"

"Liem," cut in Mr. Whits. "The girl found unconscious in the corridor. Tara Liem and Diana Kendel, the suspect of Pritchard's murder."

Lily glared at Mr. Whits, annoyed. Crouch looked at her. "Do you confirm this?"

"Yes."

"Please be specific," he growled. "Continue."

Lily shifted in her chair. "So...we were walking down the corridor when we heard--"

"What time was this?"

"Just let her tell what happened!" cried Sirius.

"Sirius..." said Dumbledore, in a low warning.

Lily thought back. "Oh, I'm not sure--"

"Estimate," ordered Crouch.

"Er, nine? Nine thirty? It was before curfew," said Lily, as if that would raise her credibility. Mr. Whits scribbled away. "Anyway, we were on our way to the kitchens when we heard some people talking behind a portrait. They were talking about an attack on Hogsmeade. It sounded like they were arguing. One of them was trying to convince the other to join in on the attack. Then they came out of the passageway and raised their wands at us."

"Did recognize these students?" asked Crouch.

"Yes. Their names are Bellatrix Black and Arturus Wilkes." She could not help but glance at Whits' scroll to make sure he spelled the names right. If anyone was going to be convicted, she wanted it to be them.

Lily proceeded to describe how they had used the Cruciatus Curse on them, so severely that Tara was rendered unconscious. Then she explained how they had been put under the Imperius Curse by Chad Nott while he was disguised as Severus Snape. How he had led them out of the castle and into the turmoil of Hogsmeade where they met up with Clive Pritchard. How he had brought them into the wrecked shop, where he spoke of the shopkeeper in a way that clearly suggested he had killed him.

"The Imperius Curse started to wear off of me just as they were about to kill the shopkeeper's wife. I snapped out of it enough to Stun Nott, which fully lifted the Curse. Pritchard then tried to curse me but Di hit him with the Impediment Jinx. I tried to tell the woman to get help but then one of Pritchard's curses hit me and I flew through the window."

"That's when James and I found her lying in the street. Pritchard had almost killed her," interjected Sirius. "We rushed into the shop to help Di. She was flinging Pritchard around the store. When...she stopped, I saw that he was dead."

"Is that what happened?" Crouch asked Lily.

"Yes, that's right," said Lily, staring, unwavering, into his dark eyes.

Crouch turned back to Sirius. "And what were you doing in Hogsmeade, Mr. Black?"

Sirius, too, looked directly at him. "James and I had snuck off the grounds to go to Zonko's. When the Death Eaters came, we thought we could help so we stayed and fought."

Lily saw Dumbledore give him the slightest of nods from behind the Ministry officials.

Crouch peered at Sirius with open derision. "You are aware that it's against the rules to sneak off the grounds?"

Sirius nodded.

"You say you did not previously know about the attack?" asked Crouch, sneering.

Sirius's eyebrows drew together. "Of course not."

"And you thought the two of you could take on a mass attack of full-grown dark wizards?"

"I said we thought we could help," said Sirius icily.

"You're part of the Black family, correct?" Crouch went on, looking at Sirius as though he would like to spit on him. "You are related to Bellatrix Black, the girl who used an Unforgivable?"

"I do not see how that is relevant, Mr. Crouch," said Dumbledore, speaking at last. There was anger behind his polite words. "These students are certainly not the criminals in this case. Sirius, please continue to explain what happened on the 7^th of June."

Crouch and Sirius finally broke their glare. Crouch looked irritated, as though if he had had his wish Dumbledore would have had no part of this interrogation.

"Anyway," continued Sirius, "we were all standing in the shop when James saw his father outside with the Death Eaters. He ran out of the shop and Lily and I followed."

"Diana Kendel stayed?"

"Yes. She was very...upset."

Lily broke in. "She was traumatized. I don't think she could have followed us. But we were worried about James, as he had run out into the middle of the battle."

"James followed Mr. Potter through the street and out of the village, toward Hogwarts..." Sirius explained everything that happened when James caught up with the man. Lily was glad she wasn't the one who had to explain how James had been tortured over and over again by his own father.

"You're sure it was Mr. Potter, the Auror?" asked Crouch.

"Well, at first, I thought it was someone using Polyjuice Potion, like Nott, but since the potion would have worn off by now...Plus he changed, right as he was about to kill James. He started twitching and called James's name as though he was trying to fight the urge to use the curse. Then he fell to the ground. He was unconscious and Lily could barely move so I went to get Dumbledore from the castle."

Then it was up to Lily to tell the hardest part. As best as she could, she recounted Voldemort's appearance and how he had tried to force Mr. Potter to kill James. How he had strengthened his Imperius Curse and how Lily had Stunned Mr. Potter. She gave most of the details of her strange conversation with Voldemort and of how she had actually dueled the Dark Lord. Finally, how she had jumped in front of James's body."

"Fortunately, that's when Fawkes and I entered the picture," said Dumbledore, taking over.

Lily sighed in relief. They had told everything, given the truth to the best of their ability, minus the fact that Sirius had entered the village as a dog. It was over.

Or was it? Whatever happened now would be because of the things they had said? What if...what if Di went to Azkaban? What if James's father did? What would James think of her when he found out she had sent his dad to prison?

But then again, maybe James would never know...

"You saw He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, Dumbledore?" asked Crouch.

"Yes. He disappeared just after he cast the Curse. He left so quickly, in fact, I doubt he knows that his curse failed."

Crouch nodded, his mouth slightly open. He looked begrudgingly shocked.

"Anything else you'd like to know, gentleman?" asked Dumbledore.

Crouch shook his head.

Dumbledore stood. Lily finally saw his face. He was smiling. "I think it's clear from what Lily and Sirius have told us that Clive Pritchard died as a result of self-defense and that Mr. Potter was being held prisoner by the Imperius Curse of Voldemort himself."

Crouch's eyes widened as he stared up at Dumbledore. Whether he looked so horrified because of the sound of Voldemort's name or the fact that it was clear he would have to return to the Ministry without anyone to convict.

"Now, if you please, these students should get to bed." Dumbledore gestured toward the door.

Whits finished up his notes and Crouch stood. "Yes, we must be going. Thank you, Dumbledore. I'll be in touch soon, he said, recovering his speech."

"Don't thank me," said Dumbledore, smiling at Lily and Sirius.

Crouch looked at Lily and Sirius and muttered, "Thank you for your time," in a choked voice.

With that, the two Ministry officials left the office. Lily and Sirius stood up, about to follow.

"Just a moment, please," said Dumbledore, stopping them. "I just want to say what a good job you did. I'm very proud of you both."

"Do you think they'll be cleared?" demanded Sirius.

Dumbledore paused for a moment, giving them a long hard look. "If justice is served, yes. Just know that whatever happened, you did your best. It is out of your control."

Lily looked into his eyes, trying to believe him.

"You may go now," said Dumbledore. "Goodnight."

Sirius turned to leave but Lily took a step toward Dumbledore's desk. "Professor, could Sirius and I get permission to go to St. Mungo's this weekend?"

"Your exams are next week, if I am not mistaken. Won't you be busy studying this weekend?" he asked, though there was no surprise on his face.

"I've been studying, sir. And James's Healer said that the best thing to do is make sure he hears familiar voices..."

"I don't think so, Lily."

"What?"

Dumbledore closed his eyes. A heavy silence filled the darkened room. When he opened them, he looked tired. "Lily, James would not want you to forget your life for him."

"But--"

"Goodnight, Lily."