I Loved You More

Part One: Before the War

First posted: May 31, 2004

Suggested music: "Here it Goes Again" by OK Go

Chapter One

Bottled Feelings

The train station was a loud, chaotic mess of people on the first of September. Especially platform 9 ¾.

Lily brushed a curl of hair off her face and tightened her grip on her trolley. The train gasped and hissed, urging the students to hurry. It stood proudly on its tracks, heaving thick clouds of smoke and looking anxious to begin moving. All around it, children clustered around their parents, saying their final goodbyes before the long separation ahead. As the whistle blew again, most of them began filing onto the train.

Lily never let her parents come into the station. It was hard enough to disentangle herself from their smothering grasp and long lectures when she tried to leave the house. She didn't think they could handle watching her board. It wasn't an aspiration of hers to be the only seventh-year whose mother and father still bawled like babies as they waved to her from the platform.

She wove her way through the crowd and lugged her trunks into the corridor. The train whistled one last time and began moving, jerking her slightly.

Lily steadied herself and sighed, always a little depressed when the summer came to an end. Plus it was hard not to mull over the fact that her sister had been "too busy" to even leave her room to say goodbye. It was her last year at Hogwarts. Seven years had passed since that fateful letter and Petunia's bitterness still had not melted. Would they ever be close again? Would they ever talk again?

She jumped when a door flew open and nearly hit her in the face. A boy appeared less than a foot away from her--James Potter. He was always jumping out at her from somewhere, as though he tracked her by radar. The second her brain registered who it was, she leapt away from him: She never liked to be too close to this boy if she could help it, in spite of James's tendency to make this as difficult as possible for her.

He was rather tall and lanky, with long legs and thin shoulders that she grudgingly noticed had filled out a little over the summer. His hair was jet black and horribly untidy, a trait he seemed to love about himself. Though, Lily noted, was there anything James didn't love about himself? He had cheerful hazel eyes, a smooth white complexion, and wore a welcoming grin on his face that revealed one ridiculously large dimple indented in his left cheek that always made his face look slightly lopsided.

This was Potter, the one person that made Lily's stomach squirm in disgust. Well, there was one other--Sirius Black--but they were so alike and practically fused together, that Lily often thought of them as one person. Both were sickeningly popular, effortlessly smart, and annoyingly arrogant. James was the Seeker of the Gryffindor Quidditch team and Sirius was the school's heartthrob. Together, they were notorious pranksters.

"Evans!" he cried, with a jerk of surprise as though she was the one who had jumped out at him. "Did you have a good summer? Haven't been cheating on me with any muggle boys, I trust. Mine was excellent; played Quidditch most of the time, you know, on my new Cleansweep. Bloody Slytherins don't stand a chance this year--not that I've ever let them. The question is, do you think you can handle steering a broomstick alongside me? I mean, I wouldn't want to embarrass anyone."

He faked an expression of concern, rumpled up his hair, and looked at her, waiting for a response.

Lily stared at him coldly. "Potter, I didn't think it was possible for you to become any more of an idiot but, yet again, you prove me wrong," she said. "Now would you kindly go harass someone else so I can find a compartment?"

"Do I feel some distance between us, darling?" He narrowed his eyes, as though inspecting her wellbeing. "What's up with all this anger? Let it all out. Don't bottle up those feelings," he said in a very serious tone, but there was a grin--there was always a grin--as he casually swung an arm around her shoulders. Classic James Potter. "So, uncork that bottle, Evans. What's the matter?"

"Get off, Potter." She ducked away from his arm, partly because she could not stand it when he did that and partly to hide the tiny smile that had crept onto her face. "You are the last person I'd "uncork the bottle" near. It would go straight over your head. Anyway, I need to get to the prefect compartment. I really can't be late--" she couldn't help but smile as she said, "I'm made Head Girl."

She pointed to the red and gold badge pinned to her shirt and made to leave as she heaved up her trunk.

"Well, well, well. You're not the only one around here with a flashy badge," he said, smirking, as he reached into his pocket. "I happen to be the Head Boy to your Head Girl."

Lily snatched the badge out of his hand and examined it. He wasn't lying. His badge was identical to hers except instead of "HG," it said, "HB." "You've got to be joking! Who in their right mind would make you Head Boy?" she demanded. "I bet you just nicked Remus's badge. I could give you detention for that, you know."

James simply grinned. "It seems that Dumbledore is in his left mind then, Evans. This is my badge so if you don't mind--" he gently took the badge from her fingers "--I'll walk you to the prefect compartment so we can hold our first meeting together. Actually, I'll walk you whether you mind or not."

Before she could utter a retort, he grabbed her trunk, turned, and walked back into his compartment.

Through the open door, Lily saw Sirius lounging comfortably, taking up a whole row of seats with his long legs. Even Lily had to admit that he was very handsome, with flashing grey eyes and rather long, silky hair that fell in his face in a carelessly attractive way. He was taller than James and had broader shoulders but they shared the same slick demeanor.

He grinned and waved when he saw Lily, causing the other two Marauders to turn in their seats. Remus smiled warmly. He didn't look as ill as usual but he did look tired. Lily wondered if he ever slept. Maybe he was afraid that James and Sirius would set fire to his bed in the night. It was something they would do; they had a distorted idea of a joke.

Like Lily, Remus was a bit of a bookworm with marks at the top of their class. But his good marks were because he studied hard, unlike James and Sirius, to whom classes came so easily. He was much more polite and humble than his friends, making him the only Marauder she liked. She couldn't understand why he chose to hang around with the likes of James and Sirius.

"Hello, Lily," he said. "How was your summer?"

"It was alright. Yours?"

"I reckon it was good," cut in James, as he stuffed Lily's trunk into the overhang. "Guess who made Head Girl."

Remus raised his eyebrows at Lily. "Congratulations. You deserve it."

Sirius made a gagging noise. "What happened to my best mate? Suddenly he's Head Boy and actually gives a damn about it!"

"Why wouldn't he?" said the short, chubby boy, in James's defense. His name was Peter Something. Lily had never thought much about him. He was just that shy kid who followed James, Sirius, and Remus around like a puppy dog.

"I don't give a damn about it!" cried James. Lily raised an eyebrow at him and he added, "But I do have to go to this stupid meeting right now. I'll see you trolls later."

"You're leaving? Mate, this is our last train ride. We have to make it memorable!" said Sirius, winking at Lily.

"Sorry, Padfoot. I don't want to go, really, but this one's breathing down my neck so I haven't got a choice." He jerked his head at Lily. "She won't leave me alone!" he cried, rolling his eyes.

Lily felt herself grow hot with anger and was about to correct him when Sirius opened his mouth to reply.

"Not to mention she's always begging you to go out with her. What a burden that must be for you, Prongs."

He shook his head and gave James a sympathetic pat on the back. Lily couldn't help but crack a smile.

James caught her and grinned. "We'll be off then. Come on then, my queen," he said, and walked past her into the corridor. She shot a glare at the back of his head and went to catch up with him.

The prefect compartment was already full of prefects when they arrived, waiting for their instructions. James got their attention with one yelp. Lily did most of the talking, explaining the various duties they would have and all of their responsibilities. The whole time, she was wary of James, expecting him to make some snide remark to undermine her or insult the prefects but he didn't. He stood quietly beside her, nodding and looking altogether more serious than she had ever seen him. When Lily finished, they dismissed the prefects and lingered in the compartment to do some paperwork.

"I don't know what the big deal is," said James. "That was so easy."

"That's because you didn't do anything!" cried Lily.

"True, but you did fine without my help."

"You should try to get a little more involved," said Lily. "You are the Head Boy now, whether your best mate likes it or not. You can't really be a Marauder at the same time."

"Are you kidding me? I will always be a Marauder first and foremost," he said firmly. "And what's the point of working when I know you'll do it for me?"

This brand of "charm" was wearing down her patience. "You are the most--"

"Yes?"

"Why bother? Nothing penetrates that thick skull," said Lily.

"Ouch!" James gasped and put his hand to his chest, pretending to squirm in agony. "Are these the bottled feelings coming out at last?"

Lily snorted derisively and handed him half of the paperwork. "There you go, Head Boy."

When they finished, they walked back to the Marauders' compartment. A couple of third-years were standing at the door, peeking through the window and giggling.

Lily glared at them as she walked by to enter the compartment. They turned bright red when they saw James and glared right back at Lily. "Get my trunk, please, Potter," she said, ignoring them.

"At your service, Mademoiselle," he replied, with a dramatic bow. He reached up and brought her heavy trunk down to the floor with ease.

Blimey, he's stronger than he looks, Lily found herself thinking. Her eyes widened as she check herself. I need to get out of here.

"Going so soon?" She heard James's polished voice behind her as she slid open the door.

She turned around and saw him sitting where Sirius's legs had been, his own leg propped up on the armrest, his hands clasped behind his head.

"Only wish it could have been sooner," she said. The very way he sat annoyed her.

Then she turned and left, slamming the compartment door behind her.

Lily walked along the corridor in search of her friends' faces in the compartment door windows. Summer Liem, Tara Jordan, and Diana Kendel were the other seventh-year girls of Gryffindor House as well as Lily's best friends. She couldn't count the number of nights throughout the past six years when they had stayed up late in their dormitory, rolling with laughter on the four-posters, helping each other study, and holding deep discussions that lasted far into the night. Lily missed them. She hadn't seen them much over the summer and the journey to Hogwarts would be no fun without them.

She could picture each girl vividly in her head. Summer, with her bundle of blonde hair, whimsical blue eyes, and masses of freckles on her face. She was strong and clever, constantly spilling over with ideas.

Tara was always bouncing about, singing loud and off-key. She never took anything seriously. Her skin was dark and smooth, her hair was long and black, falling silkily down her back, and her eyes glinted with a spark of audacity.

Diana had curly brown hair and golden brown eyes, round and wise in her seriousness. She was Chaser on the Gryffindor Quidditch team and although she was beautiful, she was very shy and intensely focused.

The images loomed so clear in Lily's head as she dragged her feet up and down the corridor, until finally, they came to life, all talking animatedly in one compartment.

"There you are!" Summer exclaimed, jumping up and giving Lily a squeeze when she walked in. "We were worried you'd missed the train!"

"Yeah, we were about to go check the prefect compartment--Summer told us you made Head Girl! Congrats, love! Who made Head Boy? Remus Lupin? You know, I saw him in the station and he has gotten to be quite the hottie over the summer, don't you think? Merlin, can you believe this is the last time we will ever take this train to Hogwarts? Isn't that sort of sad? Anyway, where on earth have you been? Where's your stuff?"

Tara had also shot up and grabbed both Lily's hands, bombarding her with questions without pausing for a breath, not to mention an answer. Lily, a little overwhelmed, didn't even notice Diana, always the motherly one, leading her to a seat.

"Whoa, Tara, let the girl breathe," said Summer.

"What? Uh....my...my stuff? Oh, damn. I forgot my trunk in the Marauders' compartment!" cried Lily, banging her hand against her forehead.

Tara perked up again. "Ooh, the Marauders compartment?"

"Yeah, it's just Potter again. He hasn't changed a bit."

"Let's go get your trunk, then." Tara spun Lily around by the shoulders and pushed her back into the corridor.

The two of them walked down the corridor back to the compartment Lily had just left and stepped through the door to find the Marauders still lounging there, looking none too surprised to see them.

"Missed me already, Evans?" smirked James.

"Oh yes! I couldn't stop thinking about you and your big mouth," replied Lily sweetly.

"Hey, all! Had a good summer?" asked Tara, whipping her hand about in a wave.

"Great, how was yours?" answered Remus.

"It was wonderful. I went on holiday with my parents to Florence. Pity it had to end, though," said Tara matter-of-factly, as she fell into the seat next to him, making herself comfortable.

"We just came to get my trunk and leave, Tara," Lily said loudly, not liking where the situation was headed.

"She can stay and chat awhile if she wants," James said indignantly. "It's a nice change--friendliness. You should try it sometime."

He flashed her a grin and patted the seat next to him. Much to her own dismay, Lily had to fight a strange urge to accept his offer and sit down.

"As much as I'd like to..." she said in the most sarcastic tone she could muster.

"What a downer," sighed James. Then he turned to Tara. "So, does Evans drive you stark mad talking about me all the time?"

Lily rolled her eyes and then looked around after hearing the door behind her slide open. Summer and Di walked in.

"Hello! Didn't bother inviting us to join the party?" Summer raised her eyebrows at them all and then flung herself down next to Sirius.

"Actually, we were just leaving, Sum," said Lily, growing aggravated.

"No. Just stay and hang out. It won't kill you," said Sirius.

"Maybe not, but it will put you in serious danger of falling madly in love with me," said James, fluttering his eyelashes.

"Good thing I'm immune," replied Lily dryly.

It looked like she had no choice but to stay. Di had settled herself down next to Remus, leaving only the seat that James had open for her. She sighed, finally surrendering, and took the seat while trying to ignore James's triumphant smile.

Amazingly, she soon found herself enjoying the boys' company. She could see how they could be fun, as they all played several entertaining rounds of Exploding Snap. Then the food trolley came around and James surprised Lily with his generosity by buying everyone a round of chocolate frogs and Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans.

The girls, including Lily, couldn't help but be disappointed when the train began to slow. They had to rush back to their compartment to change into their robes before filtering out of the train with the rest of the students. They met up with James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter again to share a carriage on the way up to the castle.

The Great Hall bubbled with the usual excitement of the start-of-term feast and reunion of friends under the sparkling black sky. The eight of them sat down at the middle of the long Gryffindor table, proudly taking their place as seventh-years, and watched the Sorting. When the last new student was Sorted into their house, Professor Dumbledore rose to his feet at the center of the staff table. The buzzing chatter came to an abrupt stop.

"To those who have arrived for the first time, welcome to Hogwarts! To those who are returning, welcome back!" he said in a deep, thundering voice. "I know you are all too ravenous to listen to me so please, without further ado, let the feast begin!"

"Good old Dumbledore!" said Sirius, who was already chowing down on the food that had appeared in front of him while most had barely picked up their fork.

They talked loudly and happily all through dinner, then, after a short speech from Dumbledore, Lily and James led the new first-years to the Gryffindor Tower on the seventh floor. The tiny newcomers looked at them with wide, anxious eyes. As a muggleborn, Lily felt bad for them, remembering all too well the feeling of arriving at Hogwarts for the first time--her entrance into the wizarding world. James astonished her for the second time that night, cracking jokes to calm their nerves and make them feel welcome.

"Just say Hinkypunk and she'll let you in. And remember not to tell anyone the password, unless they're another Gryffindor," explained Lily, as they came to a halt in front of the enormous portrait of the Fat Lady.

"Don't let the woman's size frighten you. Her bulge is worse than her bite," said James, shaking up his hair and nodding toward the portrait who, to Lily's great relief, had not heard this remark. The first-years giggled.

Once inside, they gave the young students a brief tour of the Tower before sending them off to their dormitories. Lily and James, alone in the common room, fell into the coveted fireside armchairs with identical sighs of contentment.

"You're pretty good with the first-years, Potter," said Lily.

James smiled. "I'm just getting involved. Can't let you have all the fun."

Soon after, the rest of Gryffindor House came tramping into the common room. Summer, Tara, Di, and the rest of the Marauders joined them by the fire, where the conversation picked up right where they had left off at dinner.

After a few pleasant hours, Sirius let a yawn that made them all jump and realize how late it was. The four girls climbed the winding staircase to the very top floor where they had roomed together for the past six years.

Lily changed into her pajamas and flopped down onto her old four-poster, which at the moment, felt like the most wonderful place in the world. She was so sleepy, yet as her thoughts went idly over her day, her fatigue was replaced by confusion.

She hated James, right? It was a well-known fact throughout the school: Lily Evans is the only Gryffindor who cannot stand James Potter. But tonight, he had acted so strange, so different ...so nice. How could she possibly start being friends with him after all those years of loathing every hair that stood straight up on his big head?

But the way he had smiled at her....

Lily turned over and gazed through the hangings and out the window.

Maybe he's changed.