Rendezvous with Yesterday

Rendezvous with Yesterday

Severus Snape stormed down the hall with a look on his face that would send any first year screaming in the opposite direction. His black robes billowed in a fashion that only he seemed to have mastered as he stalked into the potions lab, slamming the door behind him. How dare Dumbledore do this to him! Finally alone in his quarters he allowed himself to shiver.

Remus Lupin will be joining the staff as the Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor. Dumbledore had informed the entire staff cheerfully. Severus could barely contain his anger. He sat for the rest of the meeting grasping the arms of his chair so hard that his knuckles had turned white. Dumbledore had given him a strange look as he made this announcement, the twinkle in his eyes becoming almost mischievous. Severus, I'll need you to brew him his Wolfsbane.

Indeed! Meddlesome old man! As if forcing Severus to work with this man every day for at least a year wasn't enough now he was forcing contact! Deciding that he was allowed a moment of weakness every century or so Severus strolled into his small kitchen and produced a large bottle of whiskey. Removing the lid he tilted his head back and drank directly from the bottle. He drank until his throat felt as if it were on fire and he could no longer breath, only then did he pull the bottle back. He closed his eyes and swallowed once, trying to make the burning feeling go away. It helped a little but it didn't matter. He returned to his chair in front of the fireplace, bottle in hand, his mind a jumble of thought and emotion. Why was this happening to him? Was he not allowed to enjoy his solitude? He took another long drink of the whiskey. It made him feel better. Warmer. Of course in the morning he'd want to hex himself for drinking but right now he didn't care.

Why are you doing this to yourself? He wondered. You and Lupin only spent a few nights together. Yes it had only been a few nights but they were nights he would never forget. They had done things together that Severus had never done with anyone else. He had allowed that...that creature close to him, had allowed him to share everything; his past, his present, his hopes and fears, and finally his bed. He remembered being apprehensive about it at first. He also remembered how much he desired him. But Severus Snape was a man of principle and he was not going to give into lust. But finally, as the sun set on the second day they had spent together he had given into Lupin's gentle touches and soft words. They spent the next few days unaware of the world around them.

I love you. Severus remembered those words being whispered into his ear on the third night they spent together. Severus had believed him and thought that perhaps he could love him back. He felt that he had gotten closer to Lupin, so close as a matter of fact, that he could let down his shields and barriers, and let him in.

We aren't anything Severus. He remembered Lupin saying a few weeks later. Severus had tried to owl him, perhaps to set up another meeting, to spend some more time with him, and he had not received an answer. Worried, he Apparated to Lupin's home to find him with another man. Lupin's eyes were cold and heartless as he made this announcement to Severus without moving from the bed. Severus had not bothered to ask for an explanation, he simple Apparated back to Hogsmeade and then walked back to Hogwarts.

Severus finished the bottle of whiskey and threw the bottle into the fireplace. He was well on his way to being drunk now and didn't want to stop until he was completely plastered. Staggering into his kitchen once more he reached under the cupboard and produced a very large bottle of rum. He had confiscated it from a sixth year Muggle born. Opening the bottle he drank a small amount. If he had been sober he would have grimaced at the taste. Returning to his chair he continued to drink and remember.

I'm sorry I hurt you. I want you back. I do love you...I always have. Severus heard Lupin's voice ringing through his mind. This was a few months ago. He had appeared in front of Severus while he was in Diagon Alley replenishing his Potion's ingredients.

"I do not wish to speak with you," Severus had sneered, the hurt he had felt from the incident as fresh in his mind now as if it had happened yesterday.

"It was a year ago," Lupin said soothingly as he followed Severus down the street. "Can't you forgive me? I was stupid."

"Indeed," Severus sneered. "No, I won't forgive you."

"I know I hurt you," Lupin cooed. Severus continued to walk. He knew if he looked into those soft blue eyes he would lose his battle and control. "Severus look at me."

Mistake. Big mistake. The stupid part of his brain told him to look, that he was strong. The smart part of his brain said 'don't do it. Lupin will hurt you. There will be a lot of pain and you'll hurt more now than you did then.' Severus looked.

"There is no way I will ever forgive you for the pain you caused me," Severus spat angrily. If he stayed angry he wouldn't give into the urge to pounce on Lupin.

"I know what I did was wrong. I know you're angry," Lupin said looking into Severus' eyes. They were like ice. "But my pleas are falling on a cold heart. What can I do to prove it to you?"

Severus would have told him nothing but Lupin didn't give him the chance. Instead he leaned forward and kissed him. Severus reacted with surprise at first but just at first. He then gave into his desire for the wolf once again and he kissed him back. For the next few months they fooled around. Secretly meeting and Lupin proving that he indeed did love Severus.

Severus took another long drink while his brain seemed to be on painful autopilot.

Severus decided to surprise Lupin by Apparating into their meeting place early and setting up a nice dinner. He had purchased Lupin a lovely set of maroon robes and he was almost excited. Unfortunately, when he arrived a site that will haunt him to this day met his eyes. He found Lupin in their bed with another man. Severus reacted the only way he knew how, quietly. He laid the robes onto a table and left a short note.

It's over. Enjoy the robes. ~Severus

He left just as quietly as he had arrived.

And that was the last time they had spoken or seen each other. Angry that he had allowed that animal to seduce twice made him feel twice as ashamed of himself. For days he did nothing but cry, but only when he was safely locked in his dungeons. The one place Lupin had never infiltrated. It was cold and dark, like his heart. He put up all the walls and barriers that he had put in place before he let the wolf in and swore that they would never come down again. He enjoyed being alone. He had finally gotten over... or more importantly blocked out everything that had happened between himself and Lupin and now this. Now he was being told he had to work with the one person he had ever allowed to enter his mind.

Severus finished the bottle of rum.

Being completely drunk now, he slumped in his chair and watched the fire dance. Part of him wanted to sit in the fireplace. Part of him felt that he deserved a painful death. But another part of him felt that if all he wanted was to be left alone that he deserved that too. He sat in his chair until the sun came back up. Just as he was about to trudge into his bedchamber he heard a knock at the door. He slowly stumbled over and opened it before he looked to see who it was.

And there stood Remus Lupin. "Severus," he breathed. But that's all he had the chance to say. Severus shut the door, locked it, and walked away.

He slept better that night than he had in a long time.