Shakisha, Breakdancing, and Zombie Slaves

It seemed to be a normal day, everything was quiet and serene. Hermione sat by the fire, which was lit, even though it was the first day in May. Needless to say, she was sweating. She happened to be wrapped up in the book she was reading, which was called One Million Facts About Nothing. She found it utterly fascinating.

Ron ran into the room, panting. His clothes looked like they had been through a shredder. "Save me!" he cried out like a little girl as he proceeded to hide behind a couch.

"Mfsor," replied Hermione, she wasn't paying attention. She was now on fact number two hundred and seventy-eight thousand, six hundred and forty-two.

"Oh, you are useless!" Ron yelled. He ran up the stairs to his bed, which he then hid under.

Harry walked into the room. "Have you seen Ron?"

"Mfslj," replied Hermione.

"Oh... okay." Harry walked up the stairs to the boy's dormitory. He looked around slowly; well... if Ron wasn't here, he would mind him taking his blow-up doll. Harry reached slowly under Ron's bed.

"HARRY, HELP ME!" Ron yelled and grabbed Harry's hand when he reached under the bed.

"AUGH! Blimey, Ron, are you trying to make me shit myself!?"

"Well... no," replied Ron.

"Good," said Harry quickly. "I need to... use the bathroom." Ron couldn't help noticing Harry grabbed a pair of boxers as he walked to the bathroom.

Ron was in a panic. He needed help, but no one would listen to him. Looking to his side, Ron saw Irene, the blowup doll. "IRENE, HELP ME!" he yelled, "You are willing to help a friend in need right?!" He shook the blowup doll, hoping it would answer.

The doll turned into a cat. Then that cat proceeded to attack Ron. "IRENE! WHHHHYYYY!?" yelled Ron. "I thought our relationship was special!"

Draco Malfoy then came in, cradling something in his arms.

"What the fuck are you doing here, Malfoy?" Ron asked, hatred in his voice.

"For your information, Weasley," Draco spat, "I was looking for a nice quiet place for Shakisha to sleep." Draco looked down at what he held in his arms. It was a purple baby squid wrapped in a pink blanket.

"Shamislk?" asked Ron.

"Shakisha," corrected Draco, calmly.

"Why do you have a squid baby?"

"Because...she's...she's...an orphan!" Draco started crying uncontrollably.

"So...?"

"I love orphans!"

"That doesn't make any sense. You hate Harry."

"But, Harry's not an orphan."

"Yes he is!" argued Ron. "He doesn't have parents to change his underwear. As we speak he's changing his underwear ON HIS OWN!" Ron crawled out from under the bed and brushed off his shredded clothes.

"AUGH! Cover your eyes, Shakisha! You're too young to see a naked man!" Draco yelled.

"NAKED MAN!?" shouted a voice. "LET ME SEE!" In walked Dumbledore with a pair of binoculars. "I've been dick watching all day! But finally I've spotted one!"

Shakisha mad a gurgling sound that seemed to be squid crying. "Look at what you two have done!" Malfoy yelled. "Now I have to sing to her again!" He stormed out of the room singing to the squid.

Dumbledore was still looking at Ron's penis with his binoculars. "She is a beauty," he commented.

"Hey! Get out you old fart!" Ron shouted.

"Wait! Let me get the measurements!" Dumbledore said, pulling out some measuring tape from his robes. "I think we may have a record here...."

"Well," said Ron, "in that case..."

Dumbledore rushed over and measured it. "Yes! I was correct! It is the smallest one at Hogwarts!"

"W-what?!" Ron shrieked. He pulled a blanket off his bed and wrapped it around himself.

"No need to worry, Ronald, I think it's quite a cutie!" Dumbledore laughed.

"Shut up!" Ron cried.

"Don't worry, Won-Won!" shouted Lavender Brown as she rushed into the room. Unfortunately, she was immediately shot by one of the authors of this story.

"Oh ho ho!" Dumbledore smiled. "I can't wait to tell Snape he does not hold the record anymore!" He looked down at Lavender's body, then up to Ron. "I'm leaving it up to you to decide what to do with the body." And with that, the old wizard dashed from the room.

Ron heard a crash on the stairs and assumed the old man had tripped over his beard.

"Hey!" said one author to the other. "I thought we weren't writing a story about Ron!"

"Oh sorry." said the other author.

"NOOO!! SHAKISHA!!" screamed Draco from downstairs, "YOU OLD BAT! YOU SQUISHED MY BABY!" He was now sobbing loud enough to make Helen Keller want to wear earplugs.

"How should I have known that your baby squid just so happened to be lying on the floor?" asked the woman.

"You're supposed to be psychic, Professor Trelawney!"

"That's not a valid argument."

Dumbledore took advantage of the argument between Draco and Trelawney and took the dead squid. "Looks like I've found myself some supper for tonight!" the old man sang to himself as he danced from the room.

Suddenly, Hermione looked up from her book. "Dingle Fabric," she said.

"What are you talking about, Granger?" asked Draco. His question gave Trelawney a chance to sneak out of the room.

"Dingle Fabric."

"What?"

"Dingle Fabric!"

"Oh. Yes, yes, Dingle Fabric. Wait, what's Dingle Fabric?"

"That's what you should have wrapped your baby squid in," Hermione said smartly. "Dingle Fabric would have kept Shakisha safe from the foot of Trelawney and from the oven of Dumbledore."

"Well, Miss Smarty Pants, I have a plan B," replied Draco smugly. He pulled out a tiny marble-like ball from his pocket. "Watch this." He pulled the dead body of Lavender Brown into the middle of the room (Ron had kicked the corpse down the stairs) and forced the capsule into her mouth.

The dead Lavender's eyes opened. She sat up and looked to Draco. "What would you like, master?" she asked in a strangely high-pitched voice.

"I would like you to challenge Hermione to a dance off." Draco smirked. He flicked his wand. A radio and cardboard appeared next to him on the floor.

"I will do no such thing, Malfoy!" Hermione protested. Lavender, however, had proceeded to do a break-dance on the cardboard while the radio blasted the song "Funkytown." After Lavender was done, she sat on the floor and looked up at Draco eagerly, waiting for her next instructions.

"Lavender, put these on Hermione," Draco ordered, pulling out his spare handcuffs, which he always carried around.

"Yes, Master," the zombie said. She stood up, took the handcuffs and approached Hermione.

"You can't possibl.." Hermione started, but was cut off when Lavender tackled her to the ground and put the handcuffs on her.

"Bring her to me, my slave." Lavender quickly obliged. When Hermione tried to refuse, Lavender poked her in the eyes. "Now, Hermione, I would like you to perform a lap dance for me."

"You are disgusting!" Hermione spat. "I refuse!" Lavender slapped Hermione in the face. "Look, Hermione," Draco started, "You have three choices. One, you do a break-dance for me. Two, you give me a lap dance. Or three, you give birth to my new squid baby!"

"What is the third option like?" Hermione questioned.

"You ingest an egg and it becomes parasitic and then it bursts out of your stomach." Lavender was fiddling with the gunshot wound in her head. "Slave, stop that! It's disgusting."

"Uh, couldn't I just give birth to a real baby?" Hermione asked. "I mean, it would be less likely to be stepped on or eaten. And I would still be alive...."

"Who would be the father?" asked Draco.

"Well, you, I suppose," replied Hermione.

"What? You think I would let a mudblood carry my spawn?" He laughed aloud. "The only good mudblood sex is when you're raping them." Hermione looked appalled.

Lavender laughed in a donkey-like voice.

"I would rather have sex with my zombie slave than with you!" Draco continued. He stopped to think. "Hmm, I suppose I could let you carry my spawn if you pay me nine thousand galleons, do my homework for the rest of the year, and do my laundry."

MEANWHILE UPSTAIRS:

"IRENE!" Ron shouted out from under the bed.

BACK DOWNSTAIRS:

"But Malfoy, it would be good sex," Hermione said.

"How do you know that?"

"I've read lots of books about sex, and I've practiced on Colin Creevey. He said I was good."

"Really? He said the same thing about me," Draco said, thinking of what to do.

Hermione, in a wave of passion, threw herself at Malfoy. "I want you to take me," she screamed.

"Well...." Malfoy gulped. "I guess we could do it in the closet over there."

"No," replied Hermione. "Hagrid and Flitwick are in there."

"Damn! They always have the good spots." Draco sighed. "Hmmm...do you have any ideas?"

"How about the Room of Requirement?" Hermione suggested.

"No, Crabbe and Goyle are in there doing it."

"WHAT!?"

"Doing their essay for McGonagall, I thought I had told you about this."

"Oh, you didn't," Hermione said.

"Oh well," replied Draco. They just had sex in the middle of the common room. It was hot and heavy.

No one heard Ron's screams as he was eaten alive by a tiny spider.

Yes, it took hours, but who cares about Ron?

They all lived happily ever after. Well, all except for Ron, because he died.