Hermione\\\'s Struggle

So Hogwarts castle is protected against Voldemort, is it? It didn't stop Voldemort possessing Quirrell, and attacking Harry, though. It didn't stop that diary controlling Ginny and making her attack me with the Basilisk, either. Crouch still disguised himself as Moody and sent Harry off to be used by Wormtail to revive Voldemort.

Just what does Dumbledore mean by "protected", anyway? Voldemort and seven of his Death Eaters used Polyjuice Potion to disguise themselves as four pairs of parents and come to the Ravenclaw-Slytherin Quidditch game today, and nobody noticed, did they? No spells stopped them, no charms recognised them. It wasn't until the potion wore off and they attacked that anyone realised who they were. How many did they kill? Who's still alive? I don't know, I can't even guess.

I'm sure Harry was with me in the crowd that got back into the castle before we all scattered in different directions. Ron and Ginny ran into a ground floor corridor; at least, I saw two people run down that way, and nobody else has hair quite that colour. They've got to be all right, they've got to be!

Nobody else was silly enough to run up that staircase to the roof. If I'd run to the left, maybe I'd have had more options, but I turned right and found this dead end. Now I'm stuck here, trapped with only that one staircase back down into the castle, and Voldemort followed me up here. I can't get to it, and he knows I'm here, because he heard what I said when I found the dead end. I can hide on this side of the corner, Voldemort can hide on that side, but basically it's just one flat piece of roof between me and the stairs, with only that corner protecting me. I can't get past him. Why didn't I take the stairs going down instead?

Why me? Why did he follow me up here? He's gloating that he's going to kill another Mudblood. Is that all? Not because I've helped Harry so many times, but because Mum and Dad aren't magic? That's all? He's not even a pure-blood himself -- people say Harry's a half-blood, but he's got purer blood than Voldemort has. He must know who I am -- how else does he know I'm Muggle-born?

Why am I even thinking about this? Voldemort's on the other side of that corner, he wants to kill me, and all I can think about is his stupid blood purity obsession.

There's so much more I should be thinking about. If he kills me now ... I won't even get a chance to say goodbye to anyone. Not Harry, not Ron, not Mum and Dad ... I'll just be dead and they won't even know I was thinking of them before ...

I've spent almost five and a half years learning all I could about magic, and now I won't ever get a chance to use it after leaving school. My OWL results were good, I can be proud of that, but I'll never take my NEWTs, I'll never leave school. What was the point of all that work? I could have just messed about like Ron. I'd still be here, and the OWLs don't make a difference now.

I won't ever get the chance to tell Harry and Ron how I feel about them both. I've never even kissed a boy -- well, I've kissed them both on the cheek. They've never kissed me though, not even on the cheek, so it hardly counts.

That stupid Voldemort is still gloating! I don't care, Riddle, how you feel means nothing to me. I shout at him, 'Shut up, Riddle!' He has -- he probably didn't realise I know his real name. Now he's casting Petrificus Totalus on me -- 'Protego!' -- that worked, I reflected it. He must have wanted to shut me up so he could gloat. I'm sure he won't let the reflected spell affect him, though.

How will my parents feel? What about Harry and Ron? I suppose my parents will wish I'd gone to a Muggle school and never had to face trolls, Basilisks and Death Eaters. Ron ... will he wish he'd noticed me sooner? Or at all? I know how Harry will feel -- he'll blame himself, just as he did with Sirius, and with Cedric Diggory. It isn't his fault, though. I can't even tell him that. If I had parchment and a quill with me, I could leave a note for everyone. I didn't take anything like that to the Quidditch game, though.

If only I could send a message somehow -- though, if I could, it would be 'Help, Voldemort's up here on the roof!' of course. Can I do anything to get attention? The Patronus won't attack him, but maybe if the otter is visible from down below, people will guess? If there's anyone down there ... and if they realise what it is ... but it won't help me. They couldn't get up here quickly unless they use brooms and risk being killed themselves. I couldn't bear that. I suppose I could summon a broomstick -- it worked for Harry, but he knew where his Firebolt was. I don't have a broomstick. I could send up the cliché stars, of course, but anyone who might come to investigate them might be killed too -- I can't warn anyone. I could summon a parchment and quill, but would I have time to write anything after they got here?

All those DA classes with Harry last year, and ... wait, the first spell Harry got us to practise was Expelliarmus. That's worth a try -- even Voldemort wouldn't be able to use the Killing Curse without a wand, would he? Can I see his wand? Yes, he's holding it near to the edge of the corner, probably getting ready to curse me again ...

Expelliarmus!

It worked! I've got his wand! He must have thought a Muggle-born couldn't do anything against him -- or maybe he thought I'd be too scared to? He was almost right. I heard him fall when I disarmed him, and can't hear him getting back up. I could look ... he doesn't have his wand now. He's shocked, wandless -- he's at my mercy now. I'll enjoy this -- mustn't let him get too close though.

If I move from here, to look, he might have another chance to attack -- physically, this time. He can't have gone down the stairs, I'd have heard the door open. He didn't have a broom with him, I'd have seen him fly away. He couldn't have levitated without a wand -- could he? Dumbledore doesn't seem to need a wand all the time. I was forgetting that. Perhaps he just climbed down -- or maybe he's an Animagus too, like Wormtail.

I'll risk looking. Surely he didn't have two wands? He's gone. He's not lying there round the corner -- maybe he went the other way to escape from me? I'd like that -- it's time he was scared of me!

What's that I can hear down on the ground? Good, that's Dumbledore, McGonagall, Flitwick and Vector -- they've captured several Death Eaters, and people are coming out of hiding to look at ... that's Voldemort lying there. Is he stunned? How did he get down there after I --?

No. No, I can't have done. He was standing there, and I cast Expelliarmus, and ... when Snape did that to Lockhart, Lockhart was knocked backwards. If I did that to Voldemort, then ... then he would have fallen over the parapet, and he couldn't have done anything to stop himself falling. He must have hit the roof on that protruding room on the way down.

You can't bend a spine back that far and live, can you? Flitwick's looking at him, and now up at me and waving. Did he recognise me? He's not doing anything to bind Voldemort.

I killed him. I've killed someone. I know he wanted to kill me, but is that any excuse? I've killed someone. I'll be sent to Azkaban. I can't face it. I can hear someone running up the stairs. I don't care who it is. I've committed murder. Maybe I should save everyone a lot of bother and just jump? I wish they weren't all crowding around his body, I'd hit someone if I did jump.

'Hermione! Are you OK?'

It's Harry. It would be. I can't even face him, so I just say, 'No, I've just killed someone.'

'I know! Just about everyone in the castle knows by now!'

Oh, wonderful. Instant blame. 'Harry, please. I just want to be alone.'

'Why? If I'd managed that, I'd want to celebrate.'

Doesn't he understand? I turn and face him. He looks happy -- and I can understand that. He'll never have to face Voldemort again. But he's not the one who's going to be tried for murder, or maybe manslaughter. 'Harry, I've murdered someone. Don't you understand that? I'm a criminal.'

He's so shocked that he's just looking at me blankly. 'That was Voldemort. You must have known that,' he tells me.

Wonderful, now he doesn't even have any respect for my memory. 'Of course I knew that! Even if I hadn't, he made it quite obvious! What difference does that make?'

'You're not a criminal. You're a hero. How many people do you think he'd have killed in the future if you hadn't killed him?'

Now it's the accountancy of murder. One dead person is less important than two or more dead people. It's as if the feelings of that single person's family don't count because it could have been worse.

Harry's grabbing my hands. 'You're really worried about this, aren't you? Look, with him dead, those seven prisoners down there, and the ones who tried to get the prophecy last year still in prison, Dumbledore's sure that any of his remaining followers are going to go into hiding. You aren't in any trouble, even from Death Eaters -- they won't dare do anything.'

He's missing the point still. 'Harry, why does it matter? I've killed someone, even if that someone happened to be Voldemort.'

'I know you wouldn't have killed just anyone. I didn't tell you what the prophecy said -- it said that either Voldemort would kill me, or I'd kill him. Would you have blamed me if I'd killed him?'

I wonder why he didn't tell us that? No, I don't. He thought I'd be horrified by it, just as ... just as he isn't, now. 'But you didn't kill him, I did.'

'Not exactly. You did break his back, and he couldn't move after that. But he's got so many charms trying to keep him alive, it wasn't fatal. Dumbledore told me that the prophecy meant that only I could deal the fatal blow.' He hesitates before saying, 'So I did. I thought you'd be happier if I didn't tell you that -- you know that he'd have killed you, or me.'

He's smiling at me as he says that last part, and it's infectious. I smile back. He's still holding my hands.

'You saved my life, Hermione, even if you didn't realise. Dumbledore says the teachers haven't found anyone else dead -- they seem to have just Stunned everyone while they hunted for me -- and you.'

He's hugging me! He really is. I've just realised -- just as he would have blamed himself if I'd died, he's almost blaming himself now for my feeling guilty. I'm not the only one who looks for blame, am I?

I hug him back. This is nice, much nicer than anything I could have expected just a few minutes ago.

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