The Extraordinarily Ordinary Couple

The Extraordinarily Ordinary Couple

They were basking in a sunny patch outside Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour, enthusiastically digging into their sundaes.

'I'll never understand you and Snape, Harry,' said Ron suddenly, around his mouthful.

Harry blinked, setting aside his spoon. 'There's nothing to understand, really. We're a pretty ordinary couple.'

'Uh... Don't you mean, pretty extraordinary? Or perhaps freakish?'

'Shut up, mate.'

'What do you see in the great git, anyway?'

'Not that question again!'

'I wouldn't keep asking if you'd at least answer me, Harry.'

A long silence descended. Their sundaes were melting, forgotten on the table they were sitting at. Ron fiddled with his spoon, staring at the bustling crowd of shoppers beyond his friend's shoulder.

'What I see in him,' said Harry finally, 'is probably what other people see in their own lovers, Ron. Whatever that is.'

'I don't understand,' mumbled Ron.

'Neither do I. But he makes me feel ordinary, Ron...'

'Ordinary? Again with that word.'

'But it's true! Even from the very start, when we were first years. He never treated me like a celebrity.'

'Of course he did, in a perverse, negative way. He hated you, Harry.'

'He kept me grounded.'

'Codswallop,' scoffed Ron.

Harry shrugged. 'In a way, Severus made me feel special in a way none of my "fans" ever did. He knew who I was, and he wasn't impressed.'

'I wasn't impressed, Harry. What does he have that I do not?'

'Cauldrons,' said his friend with a decisive nod.

'Cauldrons,' echoed Ron, disbelievingly.

'Yes.'

'I can always buy cauldrons, Harry. What makes his cauldrons different?'

Harry slanted him a look. 'Are you a Potions master?'

'Thank Merlin, no,' said Ron with a shudder.

'Well,' Harry started, lazily rotating his sundae bowl. 'He'd make me scrub his cauldrons after dinner...'

'Detention! You're too old to let him put you in detention!'

'It's not detention, Ron. It's a chore. If you live with a Potions master, you'll have to help him clean up after his students, or else you'll never get shagged.'

'That's disgusting, Harry. Have you ever thought of not shagging a Potions master?'

'Now why would I want to do that?'

'Why would you not want to?'

Harry rolled his eyes. 'He makes me feel ordinary, Ron. You know, normal.'

'Run this by me again, because I'm getting awfully confused. Snape makes you feel ordinary because he lets you scrub his cauldrons before you shag.'

'Exactly,' Harry said brightly.

'Are we talking about the right sort of cauldrons? Round bottomed, black metal?'

'High-grade platinum, mate.'

'Ah, good,' said Ron with obvious relief, 'for a minute there I thought "cauldron" was your new, secret metaphor for Snape's bollocks.'

'Ron!' came Harry's appalled exclamation.

'Well, sorry. But mate, you're pretty weird. Who on earth would feel ordinary by scrubbing cauldrons?'

'I would.'

'Then no offence, Harry, but forget Snape; I think you're a freak.'

'Severus doesn't think so,' said Harry triumphantly, as if proving a point. 'He's the only one who doesn't think I'm either a freak or the next Merlin.'

'So that's why you date him? I'm sure plenty of muggles will think the same of you, as long as you don't tell them you're a wizard.'

'Then what's the point?'

'But--never mind. I'm getting nowhere with you, aren't I?'

'Oh, were you intending to go somewhere with this?' asked Harry innocently. 'I thought you were just trying to understand my relationship with Severus.'

'I've concluded by this point that it's bloody insane and incomprehensible.'

'Ron, look: Do you love Hermione?'

'What does Hermione got to do with anything?'

'Just answer me. Would you do anything for her?'

'Of course!'

'Would you do anything she asked, happily?'

'Well, yes! Within reason.'

'If she asked you very nicely to wash the dishes every night the muggle way, because she needs a couple of hours before bed to work on her research, would you?'

'Of course, if she asks very nicely.'

'And would you call yourselves an ordinary, happy couple? With duties and chores and issues just like everyone else?'

'Well, yes,' said Ron irritably, 'but...'

'Severus asked me very nicely if I could help him wash his cauldrons in the evenings, Ron.'

'Very nicely?' asked Ron, in a tone suggesting that Snape doing anything nicely was tantamount to Voldemort cuddling kittens and puppies.

'Yes,' affirmed Harry with a firm nod. 'And we're ordinary like that. Just like everyone else, except he's a Potions master and the Hogwarts house elves wash the dishes in the kitchens.'

'Oh.'

And that was that.