The Things We Never Say

THE THINGS WE NEVER SAY

Moving Forward, Moving Back

Chapter Seven

Hermione holds her breath as she hears the doorknob turning again for the tenth night in a row. She can hear his muttered spell and the curse that always follows as it slides underneath the door. In the silence of her study room, she holds her breath until she is certain he has walked away.

She doesn't know why she keeps coming to the study room; she hasn't been able to focus on her studies in days. Strangely enough, she feels as if she is waiting each night to see if he'll approach the door...and she wonders what it will mean when he stops.

She has tried not to think of what everything means. She has tried not to replay the image of him kissing another girl over in her mind every single day since it happened. She has also tried not to admit how deeply her feelings must have stretched. She has tried; she has failed.

So, she crosses her arms on the tabletop and drops her head down. A weakened part of her heart wants to get up and throw the door open as she shouts out his name down the deserted hallway. But she knows she cannot.

She hates herself for feeling sad and confused over Draco...over the lack of Draco in her life now. They never talked about what they meant to each other, what they were feeling for each other. There were many things they never said to each other; so, she had evidently imagined those unspoken words and feelings and now she is suffering the consequences.

She lifts her head, picks up the bag full of her school books that she has yet to open, and stands. There is no reason to continue sitting alone in the study room. Draco has made his appearance for the night, and she cannot bear to sit in there another second.

* * * *

On the twenty-second night, Draco fails to show up. She does not hear the knob turning; she does not hear his spell or his curse. At first, she thinks he is running late, a little behind his normal schedule. But by midnight, she realizes he is not coming, and for the first time since she closed the door, she bows her head and weeps.

The tears are silent and controlled, but they still streak down her cheeks like painful reminders. They feel like tears of disappointment; they feel like tears of shame. She has been waiting for Draco Malfoy to come to her every night, and every night she has turned him away. And now, when he has evidently accepted this routine and given up, she feels a deep sorrow setting inside her heart.

So, on this twenty-second night, she picks up her unopened bag and walks for the door. She tugs it open with a heavy hand, and steps out into the deserted hallway. She is glad there is no one to see her, no one to question the wetness on her cheeks or the regret in her eyes.

Her second step in the hallway doesn't sound the same. It sounds as if she has changed from walking on stones to walking on papers. She looks down and beneath her left foot is a folded sheet of parchment.

She glances around before bending down to pick it up. She unfolds it with nervous hands and reads the words written down in a familiar script.

I was not ready for the burden of the truth. Perhaps I shall never be.

She reads the words over and over again until she can close her eyes and picture them there in the darkness behind her closed lids. The note is from Draco. He did not sign his name, but he knew there was no need to. She would know it was from him.

In the hallway, alone and unsure, she begins to cry again. It is hard for her to misinterpret his words. She understands that he feels the same for her that she feels for him--whatever that means. But the difference is, he is giving up. He is going to go back to the way life was before they tangled up the acceptable truths with their unacceptable feelings.

She wonders if she can go back to living her life the way it was before Draco kissed her. She wonders if she can play this game of forget convincingly. She knows Draco has left her no choice.

She folds up the letter, slips it into her robes and straightens her shoulders. On this twenty-second night without Draco, she wills herself to walk on, to walk away. She wonders if she can walk far enough.

* * * *

Hermione begins to make little changes. For starters, she stops going to the study room. She can't sit there anymore. She uses the common room for studying, no matter the noise or distractions.

She also makes a point to sit at the Gryffindor table in the great hall with her back facing the Slytherins. She can't risk her eyes roaming across the room only to land on Draco's.

But one of the biggest changes she makes is to allow Lavender and Parvati to arrange dates for her. They are both much too excited about the prospect of setting Hermione up on dates. They'd been trying to play matchmaker with her for years.

The first date is with a quiet Hufflepuff. He and Hermione have little in common other than their love of house-elves' rights. Although Hermione finds the topic of conversation stimulating--it is all they have to talk about. She becomes bored within the first two hours.

The second date is with a Gryffindor who is two years younger. They obviously have their love of their school house in common, but disappointingly enough, they also share a deep respect for Harry Potter. Within the first half hour of playing question and answer, Hermione has to begrudgingly admit to herself that he is more interested in finding out all of Harry's secrets. Hero worship is quite boring to Hermione.

The third date is with another Hufflepuff. He is nice enough but as the date ends, Hermione finds his hands are a little too eager to touch her. She has to hex him in the hallway. She, of course, performs the quick countercurse, but he shares a few choice words with her that she can't repeat to anyone without blushing furiously.

And now she is standing in front of the mirror in her dormitory preparing for her fourth date. Lavender and Parvati are wishing her luck and giving out advice that she is most certain she will not need.

Date number four is a Ravenclaw, and they are both assuring her that he will be a perfect match for her. She tries not to look doubtful as they talk about what a wonderful time she is going to have.

She takes a deep breath and finds her way down to the entrance hall where she is supposed to meet him. Standing alone in the large room is a tall boy with dark brown hair wearing black robes lined with a strip of blue across the bottom hem. She walks up behind him and clears her throat.

"Matthew?" she asks hesitantly.

The young man turns around and smiles. Hermione is surprised to see how handsome he really is. His eyes are dark brown and observant.

"Hermione, how are you?" he asks, and his voice is deep and kind.

"Fine. You?" she asks, trying not to look as nervous as she feels.

"I'm much better now that you're here. I've spent the majority of the afternoon trying to study for the Ancient Runes test on Thursday," he says and Hermione can't help but relax.

In a matter of minutes she finds out that she and Matthew have many of the same classes, different times of course, but very nearly identical schedules. She relaxes even more as they walk out onto the Hogwarts grounds and talk about everything from studies to Quidditch to Muggle things. Matthew is Muggleborn as well.

As they sit by the lake and laugh, Hermione is amazed at how much they really do have in common and how much she is enjoying his company. She and Draco never laughed like this--she stops those thoughts. She forces herself to push Draco away; he doesn't belong here anymore.

When the sun begins to set, Matthew suggests they make their way back to the castle. Hermione agrees. After all, the winter is upon them and it will become too cold to bear the chill without proper evening clothing. As they walk back toward Hogwarts, Matthew reaches out and slips his hand around hers. Hermione is startled at first, but soon begins to enjoy the feeling. His hand is warm and she smiles up at him. He smiles back.

They say goodbyes in the entrance hall and make plans to spend more time together soon. Hermione gets the feeling he wants to kiss her, but he doesn't. She knows he is trying to be patient, and she is thankful. Fifty percent of her would like for him to kiss her; the other fifty percent is terrified of allowing anyone else to get that close again.

She feels relieved at how well the date went, and she thanks Lavender and Parvati when she sees them in the common room. They squeal with delight and make Hermione swear to keep them updated.

* * * *

She keeps them updated. And there is a lot to update. Hermione begins to spend all her free time with Matthew. Harry and Ron seem to like him just as much. He's a huge Quidditch fan and an avid chess player. All three boys have lots to discuss when Hermione brings him around.

He is gentle and caring and extremely intelligent. Hermione can't even find anything wrong with him. This should make her even happier, but it makes her uneasy. But she has to admit that most of her unease stems from the fact that unconsciously she finds herself comparing Draco to Matthew. They boys are incredibly different, and yet she sees small similarities. These similarities make her smile; she knows it's wrong, but she can't stop herself.

Matthew has asked Hermione to take a walk with him through the school. They can't go outside because mountains of snow have surrounded the castle and he jokes by saying he's sure they'll freeze to death if they try.

They are walking and Hermione is laughing at his dead on impersonation of Professor Flitwick. They are holding hands and Hermione leans into him as he slips his arm around her shoulders. She feels happy and carefree until Draco walks out through a nearby door. She stops walking. She feels Matthew tighten his grip on her shoulders. She knows he is aware of her past with Malfoy--their past of hatred and name-calling--it is the wrong past, and not at all the reason she stops moving.

Draco says nothing; he watches her with surprised eyes. She can't make her legs move away, and she's disgusted with herself because she wants to walk over to him and let him know how much she's missed him. Then, she is surprised that her mind is allowing her to admit that simple fact.

Seeing as how she and Draco can't pull their eyes away from one another, Matthew moves her away. They walk around Draco, but Hermione sees the look in his eyes before she passes by. He doesn't look angry; he looks hurt, and that makes her heart ache.

She is thankful to Matthew for taking her away, and she hates Draco for walking back into her life when she was certain there was no longer a space for him. She wonders if she was wrong.

As she and Matthew say goodbye, she wants to test out her idea. If Draco is truly out of her life and her feelings for him have disappeared then kissing Matthew should be exhilarating.

She kisses him, and while it's a sweet, loving kiss, she realizes there is something missing. Draco. She pulls away from the kiss, smiles at Matthew and says she'll see him again soon. But as soon as she arrives in her dormitory, she lies on her bed and cries a little. She wants to love Matthew. She wants to be happy with him, but somehow Draco has ruined that for her, too. She curses his name as she closes her eyes.

An hour later, Hermione walks down to the common room. Harry and Ron are talking with Ginny about Quidditch practice and Transfiguration. Hermione drops down on the couch beside Harry and joins in the conversation. She begins to enjoy herself until a younger Gryffindor walks over toward her.

"Hermione?" the girl asks quietly.

"Yes?"

"This was outside the portrait hole. It had your name on it. I thought perhaps you'd dropped it," she says as she passes a letter to her.

"Thank you," Hermione says, holding the letter in her hands and frowning in confusion.

"Who's that from?" Ginny asks.

Hermione recognizes the handwriting that has scrawled her name across the front of the folded letter. She looks up at their quizzical faces and tries her best to smile. "Matthew," she lies. "I'll just go read this over here."

Ginny giggles while Ron groans and Harry smiles. Hermione walks over to an empty table in the common room and opens the letter slowly. Her heart is beating wildly inside her chest as she reads the words Draco has written her.

I now understand the feeling, and the bitter taste of disappointment.

Like the last note he left for her, she reads it over and over again. Is Draco trying to tell her that he doesn't like the fact that she's with Matthew? That he now knows how it feels to see someone you care about with someone else?

She folds the letter up and sighs heavily. She had wanted to erase Draco from her life. She had wanted to forget him. But it seems her heart has other plans. He was slipping back inside so easily, and she wondered what this note would change.

* * * *

At first the changes are slight, and then they aren't. She finds simple, acceptable reasons not to spend time with Matthew--studying for finals, meetings, endless homework. And then the reasons become strained and searching--sleepy, ill, holiday stress.

She does feel guilty for being dishonest with Matthew but she thinks it is possible she will be being more dishonest by spending time with him only to be thinking of someone else--or wish he is someone else.

The Christmas holidays approach rapidly and as Hermione prepares to leave for her home, the thoughts of gift giving crosses her mind. Would Draco think she is ridiculous if she gave him something? What if it was something insignificant and simple?

She smiles as she folds a sweater and places it inside her trunk. She knows just the thing to give him. She leaves her dorm and heads straight for the only place she knows she will be able to find it at such short notice. She knows that Draco will understand its meaning, and when he does, she can only wait to see what he does with it.