One Day at a Time

Chapter 6 ---Blue Moon Memories

It was an odd sight indeed. Remus Lupin stood behind his former desk in the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom holding a frilly pink bow at arm's length between the tips of his fingers. He had just plucked the bow out of the recesses of the corner of the desk drawer. A curly grey hair still clung to it.

"Will the reminders of this woman never end?" grumbled Remus aloud. He flung the detestable object across the room, where it landed on top of the heap of garbage he had compiled. The heap was quite a collection: discarded Defensive Magic Theory editions, out-of-date dueling charts, and a never-ending supply of contraband laceration quills; they were among the many items Remus had amassed there this past week. The bow put the crowning touch on the memorial to the sanctimonious ineptitude of Dolores Umbridge.

Remus had spent the past week going through the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom. Albus Dumbledore had asked him to see, "what was needed for the fall term." Remus rapidly determined that the answer to that question was, everything. Dolores Umbridge had decimated the classroom of its usual supplies. There was not so much as a Fire Crab shell or caged Hinkypunk to be found. Remus sincerely hoped that the classroom's prior contents had been released deep in the Forbidden Forest. At least there, they would pose no immediate threat to anyone.

The classroom wasn't the only thing in questionable shape. The quarters for the Dark Arts professor had also been "Umbridgised." Remus had tried to sleep there his first night back at the castle, but found himself unable to do so. The classic frescos depicting Dumbledore's battle with Grindelwald that had majestically graced the walls were now gone. Granted, the color was now brighter, but two-toned walls of pink and chartreuse were hardly an improvement. It was as if an entire crate of Droobles' Best Blowing Strawberry Gum had exploded on the walls. The alterations did not stop there. Lace curtains now hid the view of the grounds, and the windows had apparently been sealed shut with a sticking charm that made Mrs. Black's portrait look like it were hung with mere Spellotape. The worst thing, however, was her lingering perfume. It was undoubtedly purchased at The Pampered Witch, probably on clearance. According to the bottle that was left behind, it was Pernissa's Magnolia-Lilac Garden. The stench from it still hung in the air like thick syrup. As far as Remus could tell, the only improvement he had managed to make to the room was when he removed the chains that once had held hostage the broomsticks of the Gryffindor Quidditch Team.

Given the circumstances, Remus requested that Dumbledore allow him to use the currently unoccupied students' quarters in Gryffindor Tower. Dumbledore consented, stating that, "Any Gryffindor would always have a home there." It seemed like a good and logical choice at the time, but any home comes with memories.

Each night as Remus retreated to Gryffindor Tower, he was able to do what he had been avoiding for over a month. In his solitude, he could think. At Grimmauld Place, he never let his guard down; no one there really knew his thoughts, not even himself. It wasn't that he hadn't thought about Sirius' death; it was the extent of time he had allowed himself to dwell on it. This past month he had gone from denial, to anger, to avoidance, to self-blame. Now that he was alone, without the worried eyes of others constantly boring into his back, he let the emotion come. High walls, carefully built over time, came crashing down. He realised grief was inevitable, but knowing he would eventually come to feel it did not make it any easier.

Every corner of the Tower, every portrait, every window seat, every crack in the walls held a memory of his youth. His mind was alive with flashback after flashback of what was and what might have been. Despite the happiness many of those memories held, they led back to one inevitable conclusion. Never again could they be as they were. Every night these emotions grew stronger as the pull of the full moon approached.

The thirtieth of July arrived at last. It was the second full moon after Sirius' death, the second this month. Remus was still in a state of shock when the first moon occurred; that wasn't the case now. As much as the full moon pulled the tides, it felt as though it was pulling his emotions to the surface with equal strength.

Remus tried to distract himself by reading. He picked up a volume of poetry left behind by one of the students. Even in books, he was not to find refuge tonight. The words of the first poem were haunting.

Moon!
Moon!
I am prone before you.
Pity me,
And drench me in loneliness.

He slammed closed the book, picked up his goblet, and leaned wearily against the window seat. So many times as a student he had found peace quietly sitting here; he looked out of the window towards the Forbidden Forest. The sun was almost entirely down, and soon her companion would rise.

Remus sipped the final dose of his Wolfsbane Potion; in about an hour the change would overtake him. As he looked out of Gryffindor Tower towards the Forbidden Forest, the magical memories of his youth again came flooding into his mind and stabbed at his very soul. He could not shut them out.

All I want is to have us back the way we were at seventeen. Tonks said it the best when she found me at the water's edge that day.

"All I want is a little thing..."

I know what she means. It's not the Quidditch Finals, or House Championships, or Yule Balls I long to see again. It is the little things. All I want is just one more day of sitting around this room with Peter teasing, James joking, and Sirius laughing...all of us laughing. What I wouldn't give to have but just one more day of laughter. Any day at all, before the world turned upside down and we all lost our innocence.

Remus couldn't take it any longer; he had to get out of Gryffindor Tower. He fled down the great staircase and out the front door. Once he was outside he just ran. With his energy sapped, he finally had to stop. He found himself at the edge of the Forbidden Forest just before the change overtook him.

I am so tired of always being strong. Why am I always alone? Even if we can defeat Voldemort, what is left for me? All of the past is gone, there is nothing left--

It was coming. Remus looked up at the second moon of the month as she rose, the rare Blue Moon, the moon that superstition said was supposed to bring good fortune. The only good fortune Remus thought it might bring was a chance to escape the sobs that he had barely been keeping in check. They threatened to wrack his body with grief at any moment. In the body of a dog Sirius had been able to think simpler thoughts: perhaps the same refuge would be afforded him in the body of the wolf.

Then, looking at the forest before him, one final memory surfaced. Just as the change began a final thought entered his head, "Maybe everything wasn't gone; maybe there was still a link to the past."

Perhaps the Blue Moon did have some magic to work. Were it not for the moon, he would never be able to reach what he now wanted more than anything. How could he have forgotten what the four Marauders had hidden in the Forbidden Forrest almost two decades ago?

The Marauders were no strangers to the woods. They would leave the shrieking shack with Remus and explore The Forest's boundaries in their daring as newly accomplished animagi. In fact, the Marauders had often entered the woods on nightly exploits; their activities were not only limited to the nights of the full moon.

Padfoot and Prongs were large enough to ward off the creatures within and to protect Remus, who unless it were a full moon, had no choice but to retain his human form. Wormtail would travel on Remus shoulder, so he could keep up with his larger three companions.

On one occasion, the Marauders had found a clearing where they could look up at the night sky. It became a sanctuary where they could transform back into their human selves--to retreat and to ponder their futures. In the uncertain world of the First War, the danger of the Forbidden Forest seemed nothing compared to facing the Dark Lord himself.

Remus had to find that clearing again. He entered the forest in the body of the wolf. He went forward on sheer instinct fueled by sorrow and desperation. He soon found the clearing he sought, the moon illuminating his surroundings in an eerie yet magical blue hue. He could see the hollowed log in the distance.

it be there. Please, let it be there! He paused to look up; his eyes wandered to the Dog Star. Can you be looking down on this, Sirius? Please, Sirius, let it still be there; I need it to be there.

In another moment, he was in their old familiar spot. The log that they had sat upon all those years ago as they pondered their futures was still there. It showed all the marks of time, but it was still there. He pounded the log with his front paws until the decaying timber fell apart under his weight. A well-worn metal box previously concealed within was now revealed. He grasped the handle in his teeth as he departed the clearing.

By the time Remus had made his way out of the Forbidden Forest it was almost dawn. He was exhausted; he lay in a heap at the edge of the forest toregain his strength. There was nothing more he could do until dawn broke, and he could resume his human form. He needed to be human to reenter Gryffindor Tower, and to open the box without damaging its contents.

After the retransformation, as sore and bone weary as Remus was, he raced back to the Tower. As he climbed the great staircas, he could barely contain the emotions. As desperately as he wanted to view the box's contents, he needed the privacy of Gryffindor Tower to do just that. The Tower's solitude would now be welcome.

As he entered the Common room, Remus collapsed from the exhaustion and strain on the hearthrug. He was barely able to speak. "Alohomora!" Although his voice was hoarse and weak, the spell worked nonetheless. The lock opened. With trembling hands, Remus opened the lid. He closed his eyes, hoping he would not be disappointed. He needn't have worried.

"It's all here...after everything, it's all still here." A solitary tear rolled down his cheek as he closed his eyes and breathed in the memory of the last time he had seen the contents.