All My Life

If I think back, there is a defining moment in each of my relationships. A singular moment that completely captures the relationship you share with that person. It might not strike you at the time, but when you look back you realize that was THE moment that tells you how you feel about that person and how they feel about you. For some of the people in my life, I can do it fairly easily. Ron - when I was 9 and he was 10. There was a thunderstorm and all my life I have been afraid of thunder and especially lightening (I thought it was magic gone terribly wrong, but that's a whole different story). This was a particularly horrific storm, with the thunder right over head and the lightening practically in our backyard. And Ron knew I was afraid of storms, so he came into my room and just laid down on my bed and grabbed my hand. He didn't say a word and neither did I. I almost broke his hand squeezing it and he had the bruising to show for it the next day, but neither of us ever said anything about it. I know Ron and I tease each other all the time, but we'll always be there and no words are needed. The two littlest Weasley's look out for each other. And mum. Definitely when she was pushing me towards the Hogwarts Express my first year with tears in her eyes. I got so nervous right before I got on the train that I turned back around and begged her to let me stay. She would have, but she knew that I had always dreamed of Hogwarts, so she made me despite the fact that I was her last baby.

For other people, the moments defined themselves as they happened. This is what happened with you two. Actually, your moment was together. I'll never forget it. It was my fourth year, your fifth, and it was actually another thunderstorm. I was in the Common Room and you two were just getting back from the library. You saw me shivering by the fire and jumping every time it thundered and you came over to see what was going on and I just burst out with the fact I was terrified of thunderstorms. Then you should have seen yourselves go, Hermione telling me exactly why it was thundering and why there was lightening and Harry telling me that it was nothing to be afraid of if I wouldn't let it. You both continued on in this vein for awhile and after you had exhausted your arguments you looked at me expectantly. And when I jumped because of the thunder still, you looked at each other, looked at me and said, "Let's go outside." I obviously protested, but you just grabbed my hands and pulled me out of the portrait hole, telling me I needed to "face my fears" and proceeded to drag me through the whole of Hogwarts. Not only did it help me get over my fear a bit; I remember thinking as we got outside that this was a moment that I would always remember. And it just illustrated the fact that you would both be there for me. Even with all that always seemed to be going on with the three of you, especially at that time, you always made time for me.

Besides defining my relationship with you both, I always thought that this would also be the moment that defined your relationship to me. Harry, you're the courageous one. You face anything, simply because that is who you are. You don't think of the consequences or repercussions. You are truly a hero in every sense of the word. And Herm, you were always his reason. He wasn't afraid, but you always gave him logical reasons not to be afraid. He needed your reason and you needed his courage.

However, last night all this changed. I had another defining moment. It didn't redefine my relationship with you, but it completely upended my perception of yours.

All my life, I've wondered and speculated about love. Real love. True love, as they say. What it feels like. What it should feel like. What it will feel like. Is it selfish? Is it sacrificing? Will it "complete" me? Or will I have to be complete before I find it? Is it co-dependent? Do you really have to love yourself before you fall in love? Or does finding that love make you? Do you not know yourself until you find that person? Is it between two friends who suddenly look at each other and realize? Two enemies realizing how close love and hate truly are? Is it really falling in love? Do you fall? Stumble? Plummet? Meeting someone for the first time and knowing instinctively? Seeing into their soul with a glance? Do you, can you, grow to love someone? Do you have to know someone before you can love them? Or can the knowing come after the loving? Is it passion? Does it make your blood pound and your stomach churn? Is it calming to the senses? Does just one touch of their hand leave you breathless or totally collected? Is it lust? Wanting someone so much that you cannot get enough? Deluding yourself into thinking that it is involved with emotions, rather than what it is – just pheromones and bodies calling to each other? Is it just compatibility? Being able to get along with someone? Or the fact that you both have red hair? Should you lose control of yourself when that person touches you? Is it all of these things? Or none of them? Is it so simple it doesn't require words? Or so complex that all the words in the world could never be enough? Or is it so much more than words or poetry? Is it another type of existence? Or is it not that exulting? Maybe it just is. It's here. It's in the world.

All I know is, when I looked at you two, I saw it. It is. Whatever it is. And it's an extraordinary thing to see.

Thus the reason for this letter. Tonight, after you two left dinner, I followed a few moments later; Ron and I were really concerned with both of you leaving so abruptly like that. I actually called out to you a few times, but you didn't respond; I don't think you even heard me. And then I rounded the last corner and I almost fell over myself. You two were standing there with no space between you and my insides tightened. Just the way you were looking at each other and touching each other. It was like ten seconds before a storm for me. I know what's coming and I'm scared of it, but I can't seem to stop myself from watching the sky. Morbid curiosity. I knew it was going to devastate me, but I couldn't help watching.

And then you kissed. You kissed. You...kissed. It was...I don't even know how to describe it. It seems so wrong to call it simply a kiss. And it wasn't simply lust. Or want. The way you were holding each other spoke of something much deeper than attraction. The way you were so close. Plus it was the fact that it was you two. It was this amazing moment. And then the Fat Lady opened (I think she gave you a freebie; I'm fairly certain that you didn't gasp out the password.) And then you vanished and I slumped against the wall. It was actually exhausting to be witness to that. I won't say I'm sorry, even though it was intensely personal. I needed to see it.

Like I said, I've always wondered about love. And I always believed that you were it for me, Harry. I know you all thought that I got over my childish crush and to a certain extent I did. But it was always in the back of my mind. I didn't care that you were with Cho because I could tell she wasn't for you. It's not really my fault. I had read and heard about you my entire life. I had this image in my head, then Ron comes home and is your best friend. And then I met you and you were better than my imaginings. So you really can't blame me, can you? Building someone up in your mind, then the reality is better than the dream? You're buggered. So even though my childish infatuation faded, my belief that we were to be did not. This is why I'm grateful that I saw what I did tonight. Harry, I said before that Herm was your reason...she is. In every sense of the word. And Hermione...take care of him for the rest of us. We all love you both.

Some people are going to be surprised. To say the least. Harry, half the female population is going to be crushed (plus a few of the guys, too). Hermione, whether you realize it or not, a number of the guys will be. Snuffles and Professor Lupin will laugh and probably ask why it took you so long to figure it out. Snape will be ill; he hates to see anyone happy, especially you two, I can't imagine what it will be like that you two are happy together. (I would dearly love to be a fly on that wall when he finds out.) Malfoy will try to use this in his little one man try-to-humiliate Harry show. McGonagall will act unaffected, but she'll love that her two favorites are so happy. Dumbledore will twinkle.

Ron though. He's going to be devastated. I know I shouldn't do this, but I have to. He loves you. Both of you. Harry, you're our seventh brother. Hermione, he loves you. He's never said that he does, but it's obvious to anyone who cares to look. And this is going to kill him. I think we both had this Jane Austen-esque vision of the future with Harry and I together and Ron and you together. But that was crumbled in a moment last night. But Ron did not have the benefit of seeing you. He's going to be floored. And though he'll act like an ass at first, he'll be okay. Although I may have to hold his hand this time, eventually he'll see what I did.

You two together. The way you are together. It's amazing. It's hope. With things like that in the world, it's worth the past.

So what I'm trying to say is don't let anyone stop you. Not me or Ron or Malfoy or Krum or McGonagall or Dumbledore, not even Voldemort (that was ONE time for you, Harry). Not that you've ever let anyone stop you from doing anything, but don't start now.

I'm happy for you.

Gin