All That's Left

"All That's Left"

Playground school bell rings again

Rain clouds come to play again

Has no one told you he's not breathing?

Hello I'm your mind giving you

Someone to talk to

Hello....

The sky was dark although it was mid afternoon. Rain was threatening. He could sense it, smell it, thick and heavy on the air, the unmistakable tang of moisture. Soon after this observation he was proved correct as fat droplets of rain feel in slow motion onto his cloak, and his mousy hair tinged with silver. He was never proved wrong when it came to the elements, the weather in general and why should he be? Animals...beasts...had a natural instinct for such things in nature. He as one of the damned shared in their abilities. He watched as if from a far as students dashed madly towards the entrance to the castle, cloaks pulled around them, heads bowed as the droplets of rain grow in force and momentum.

He, himself did not make a move to go inside. Rain did not trouble him as it did normal people, while people saw it as a nuisance and a depressant, he viewed it as a comfort...an old friend come to comfort him and wrap him in its watery embrace. It was one of the only things in life he could rely on to happen, to remain when other things departed...the rain would never fail to fall...never leave him.

He was stood alone just outside the castle, in the now pouring rain, his mind somehow severed from his body. It lapped up the familiar surroundings, transporting him back to happier times long ago, it both tortured and played with him at the same time. He felt like a small boy of eleven again, getting his first glimpse of the castle and its grounds, it had rained the night he had arrived at Hogwarts all those years ago.

The grounds had not changed in the slightest since that time. It was still the same Hogwarts, if only he could be that boy again. If he were he would still feel as lost as he was feeling now but in a better way, if he were he would be looking forward to a bright future; if he were he would have had James, Lily and Sirius here with him and he would not feel so very alone.

If I smile and don't believe

Soon I know I'll wake from this dream

The mind was a cruel thing, a heartless object it twists and plays with the human reason, bringing with it flights of insanity. Like now, if he really focussed on that thicket of trees over there next to the lake, he could see Lily sitting crossed legged on the grass reading a novel of some kind. She had loved to read and seemed to spend a large proportion of her time doing just that. Every now and again she would stop to gaze towards the clear blue water that was the Hogwarts Lake, and as she gazed up towards it the sunlight would catch her hair, turning it to liquid fire.

As a boy he had admired Lily for years, from afar of course, he would never dare ask such a beautiful girl to go out with him. He was a beast. A tortured soul trapped in the body of a beast, his ailment would have wounded and destroyed her. Never had he considered tainting such beauty. Lily Potter had been a free spirit and should remain so, not caged by someone one such as he.

She had been happy in the end, no matter how briefly, she had had James. It had hurt him even though he knew he could never have been hers. Despite all his pain he had loved to watch her happiness. When James was with her his eyes would light up with love. He could have drowned in the love reflected in those eyes, a glimpse of something he himself would never find. It tore at his soul for "It is the saddest thing to glimpse happiness through another man's eyes*"

His skin was icy cold and his cloak was plastered to his back and still it rained. He didn't seem to register this fact, he was to busy gazing over towards the Quidditch pitch. In his mind he could see James ducking and diving, putting his racing broom through its paces. He really had had talent in all things flying, a genuine athlete. When he had taught here during Harry's second year he would often find his feet walking towards the Quidditch pitch totally of their own accord. He would sit after dinner and gaze at the setting sun, replaying some of Gryffindor's finest Quidditch moments in his head.

He missed James, missed the easy going school hero act that he had perfect until every move, every word was seamless. He missed gazing at the majestic Stag, glinting silver in the moonlight. He almost missed the way he used to torment Severus - almost. He had never agreed with or participated in such activities but he could never forgive himself for not intervening, it was no wonder that Severus had hated them.

The rain was now running freely down his face in streams, obscuring his vision. In the distance he heard a clap of thunder it was turning out to be a regular storm. And still he stood there, unmoving, eyes staring ahead now, a smile slowly spreading across his pale, rain washed face. He could see a tall, slim figure, with long black hair approaching. His mind seemed to over look the obvious, altered it to suit its twisted purposes. In his mind he saw a cheeky grin, white teeth flashing, Sirius laughing at his latest prank, his laugh a deep throated chuckle that was contagious. Sirius continued to approach him, his walk a mischievous swagger. Remus found himself grinning back at his friend they would be within talking distance soon. Remus was desperate to ask Sirius about his latest prank so that he could scold him good naturedly as had become their way.

Then suddenly the grin on Sirius' face changed to a scowl, Remus frowned at this sudden change. The skin tone began to change to a deathly pallor rather than the healthy tan Sirius had possessed...Remus blinked several times...No...Please No...his knees connected with the sodden earth beneath his feet with a soft squelch. His vision blurred and his head wheeled, a voice was screaming in his head, a continual mantra "No, Not Sirius too. Please, I don't want to be alone. Why am I alone?"

Don't try to fix me I'm not broken

Hello I'm the lie living for you so you can hide

Don't Cry

He felt someone shake his shoulders, a voice ordering him in a stern, commanding tone to "Snap out of it!"

Glancing upwards, he found himself looking into the concerned but highly un-nerved face of Severus Snape. Snape's lean form was draped with a long black cloak, the hood pulled over his head long strands of raven hair were dangling freely from the hood, plastered flat by the rain. A bag was hanging by its strap from his shoulder he had obviously been gathering potions ingredients in the Forest.

When he next spoke his voice was heavy with his trademark sarcasm, "The last time I checked rainwater was ruled out as a cure for lycanthropy. What are you trying to do Lupin? Are you trying to drown your sorrows minus the alcohol...How pathetic?"

When Remus tried to respond he was surprised to find that he had totally lost the capacity for speech, stumbling over his words like a deranged idiot. "I..I...Sev-rus, I..."

Snape's eyes narrowed, "I see you have mastered the basics of the English language, personal pronouns, why Lupin I am impressed. You really are a connoisseur of English!"

Many minutes passed by, one staring at the other, neither speaking a word. Remus because he couldn't bring himself to speak, Snape because he was too shocked (although he hid it well) and bewildered by the werewolves condition.

Remus tried to form words but only succeeded in spluttering helplessly.

"Say something Lupin! Spit it out Man before we catch Pneumonia!"

"It's the anniversary of Sirius' death. One year today."

Snape opened his mouth to say something highly sarcastic and cutting but was stopped by the series of broken sobs that erupted from the bewildered man before him who resembled a lost child.

Taking charge of the situation, Snape conjured a second cloak with his wand and wrapped it firmly around the chilled man still kneeling on the ground.

Snape kneeled down it the mud next to Lupin. "Come on now Remus, its going to be alright but we have to get you to the hospital wing before you catch your death." His tone was soft, almost concerned. It was rather a lot of effort trudging back to the castle and up to the hospital wing, all the time supporting a rather dazed Lupin, who seemed to have lost all sense of motor control into the bargain.

Now Severus Snape watched as Madame Pomfrey helped Lupin into a bed, dosing him with a sedative potion as she went.

Normally he would have got some sort of twisted pleasure from the sight of a downed enemy, but not at this moment. Lupin was as a man entranced, he responded when asked questions beyond that he never spoke or shifted from his reverie.

Madam Pomfrey had assured him that Lupin would recover in due time, such days were bound to be trying for him.

"Time Severus, time is the cure for all ailments. In time Mr Lupin's scars will heal, all scars heal with time."

Snape rubbed his left forearm through his shirt. He wasn't sure he agreed with that sentiment.

Snape's last thought before exiting the hospital wing was that there was no pleasure in watching the downfall of an utterly broken man.

Lupin simply lay there in the hospital wing bed, starring vacantly out of the window.

Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping

Hello I'm still here

All that's left of yesterday...

"Hello" is written and performed by Evanesence. A new favourite of mine!

I seem to be writing nothing but angst these days...hmmm...need to sort that!

Any suggestions?