Ash Wednesday

Ash Wednesday

By: pandorabox82

AKA: Steph

I am back once more in the Scotland of my youth. The sweet scent of heather hangs in the air. I'm going into town today to be with my love. I wear my waist-length black hair loose, with just the front part pulled back into an ornate clip. Looking at the clock on the mantle, I realise that I'm late and I Apparate to our meeting spot. Of course, he knows about my magical abilities, and he's perfectly fine with them. We walk around Aberdeen, and he fills me in on the recent news of the Muggles. We stop to have dinner in a fancy restaurant, talking late into the night over a bottle of Chardonnay. Darkness is the perfect cover for me to Apparate home directly from the restaurant. Something is different this night, however. As we kiss, I feel the cold press of a gun in my side. Someone has taken this moment of ours, and twisted it to become a gain on their part. I hear a rough voice tell my love to hand over all his money, or I'll get hurt. I plead with my love to co-operate, and he does, at first. But with my love's acquiescence, the assailants become bolder and begin to grope me. This angers my love, and he kicks the gun out of the hand of one of the attackers. "Minnie - Apparate now! I'll be fine!" he yells at me, as they begin to jump him. I know I can take one person with me, and I reach for his hand as I think about my cottage. Just before our fingers clasp, a gunshot goes off and my love's face takes on an expression of shock.

"Matthew!" I scream, as I wake once more from that horrible dream-memory. Tears wet my cheeks, and I knew I would not get back to sleep this night. Pulling a housecoat over my nightgown, I crept out of my rooms to walk about the castle. My walk brought me to the Astronomy Tower. Climbing the steps that led to the highest point at Hogwarts, I heard voices speaking. I turned to leave, but one of the voices stopped me.

"Minerva, wait! You've got to fell this." It was my best student in years, Hermione Granger - now Snape. Now, she was out of school, married, and had a baby on the way - due in November. Every time I see her, I am reminded of Matthew and myself - the love that we shared, and the chance that we never had.

Reluctantly, I turn back to face her, and Severus steps out of the shadows, putting a protective arm around her.

"Feel him, Minerva, before he goes back to sleep." His voice - something about it beckons me over to them. As I step into the cool beams of moonlight, my face becomes visible to them. She is the first to notice the silvery tracks of tears, and whispers something to her love. How painful those words still are.

As he passes by me, I feel him take my hand and give it a gentle squeeze. "Everything will be alright, Minerva," he says to me, before slipping down the tower staircase, out of my sight.

Hermione comes up to me and slings a comforting arm around my waist. I lean into her, imagine - me who has always been the strong one, relying on someone else for strength. "Come, Minerva, to our room. Severus went to make tea for us, then he's going down to the Potions dungeon to grade some papers. We can talk over tea." Suddenly, she grabs my hand and places it on her swelled belly. I felt the strong kick of the child, and knew for certain it was a girl that Hermione carried.

"Do you think it's going to be a boy?" I asked her.

She took a moment to think before answering me. "Yes, I do believe that it will be a son for Severus. Now, I think our tea is waiting." We walked in companionable silence to their new quarters. Hermione was going to assist Severus in Potions, and Albus had thought it better if they had more suitable accommodations.

We sit down on the crushed velvet settee in front of a roaring fire. On the table before us are two steaming mugs of what smells like Earl Grey, and a plate of biscuits. My pocket feels heavy and reaching in, I pull out Matthew's picture. Black and white, unmoving in a world where all pictures move, he is still my Matthew.

"Who's that?" Hermione asked me.

Startled, I look at her and for a moment, I see my own face, though years younger. I blink, and her features have returned. Holding his picture to my chest, I reply simply: "He's Matthew," before returning the picture to my pocket. Unshed tears sting my eyes, and being unable to find words, I pick up the mug of tea, and take a sip. We lapse once more into silence, but the damage has been done. A single tear tracks a lonely path down my cheek, only to be followed by more as the dam on my feelings finally cracks. My shoulders shake from the force of my sobs.

I feel her slide close to me, and slip her arms around me. Once more, I lean against her. Despite her bulk, she manages to slide my head so it rests in her lap. She runs her fingers through my hair, murmuring soft words to me, nonsensical words that remind me of my mother. Eventually, my tears stop, but neither of us move. I've not had this sort of comfort since just after Matthew died, and being able to unload on someone brings a great sense of relief.

Her voice breaks into my mind. "Do you want to talk about him?"

Do I? Do I want to open myself up to this woman who's taken me into her heart so readily? Strangely, I find myself answering her. "We met just after I had gotten out of Hogwarts. My parents didn't really approve of him, as he was a Muggle. For us, it was love at first sight, and no one would stop us from being together. After a year of happiness, we found ourselves in a situation controlled by Fate…" my voice trails off into silence as the memories took hold. "I'm sorry, I can't continue. Not tonight."

She smiles at me, a smile full of grace and understanding, looking far older than her 18 years. "Tell me, then, about your first meeting."

I indulge her, telling about a runaway car, and the knight in shining armour who gallantly came to my rescue. I give a watery laugh as I recount our first meeting, becoming more relaxed as I go along. My eyes grow heavy under the relaxing stroke of her fingers in my hair. In a few moments I slip off into sleep. I feel a blanket come up around my shoulders, and I snuggle into a warmth that I had not felt in some time.

I awoke in the morning feeling rested. I sit up and stretch, and looking about me, I realise that I'm still in their sitting room. A cup of coffee is pressed into my hand.

"Morning, Minerva. Today's the day! Aren’t you excited?"

Ah, yes, the return of students to Hogwarts. A new group of children, some of who will get sorted into my House. I was anxious to meet these new lives that had been entrusted to us.

"Come, let's go down to breakfast. Severus has something important he wants to tell the staff." Grabbing my hand, she began to make for the door.

"Hermione, child, slight problem - I'm not dressed for breakfast."

"Oh, well, we'll just make a detour to your rooms then."

We walked down the hall to my rooms. She goes over to the mantle to look at the pictures of friends and family I have there, while I go into my bedroom to change. I emerge a few minutes later in dark green robes. Into the Great Hall we go, and I notice that everyone is waiting for us. We approach the dais, where our chairs are waiting - one by Albus for me, and one between Severus and Xiomara for Hermione. We both sat at once.

"Now that we've all arrived, Severus and Hermione have very important news to tell us. Severus?" Albus said, as Severus stood once more.

"Thank you, Albus. As many of you know, Hermione and I are to become parents soon, and it's time for us to choose who the godparents of our child are going to be. Hermione has asked Ron Weasley to be the godfather, and I am choosing Minerva to be our child's godmother." He smiles at me as I wear a look of shock.

I manage to stammer out a thank you as the staff congratulates me. The rest of the day passes in a blur, until it is time for the Sorting Ceremony. I lead the nervous first years into the Great Hall for the first time, and begin to read their names off the parchment. As they take their seat at their respective houses, I gaze out into the sea of faces, and realise that Gryffindor had gotten more students than normal.

I put the Sorting Hat away, and Albus starts the feast. In my heart, I know that it's going to be a good year.

***

On the 15^th of November, Genevieve Aiko Snape came into the world. Since Hermione's parents couldn’t be present for the birth, she insisted that I be with her. When she and Severus realised that they had a girl, they asked me to name her.

"We didn't choose any names for a girl - we were so sure that it was going to be a boy," Hermione told me. "Since you're the godmother, why don't you name her?"

I tried to protest, but they would have none of it. Finally relenting, I gave their daughter the names that Matthew and I had picked out for our first daughter. They both fell in love with the name, and I felt proud to have been able to give such a gift to their child.

***

The days between November 15^th and Christmas seemed to fly by. Little Genny grew quickly. Two days before the holidays, the dream visited me once again. Once more, I woke screaming his name. Climbing out of be, I threw on my houserobe, and began to pace up and down the halls. I was soon joined by Hermione and a wailing Genny.

"She can't seem to get back to sleep. I've tried everything I could think of, but nothing works."

"Here, let me try holding her for awhile." I take their child in my arms, and almost immediately her wails lessen until they come to an end.

"You have a way with children, Minerva!" she exclaimed with a gentle laugh. I look down at the child in my arms, and unbidden, the tears come once more. She notices my tears and pointedly asks, "You dreamed of him again, didn't you?" At my nod, she asks a question that must have been burning inside her for some time. "There's more to Genny's name than just, 'I think it sounds pretty', isn't there?" Again I nod. Seeing that her daughter was asleep, she says, "Up for another cup of midnight tea?"

"That’d be nice."

We enter their rooms, and I go in and place Genny in her bassinet in their bedroom. Exiting, I find Hermione sitting once more on the settee, with two mugs of Earl Grey in front of her. Taking a seat beside her, I pick up my mug and sip from it.

"So, what's the story behind her name?" Ever the blunt one, she gets right to the heart of what she wants to know.

"Well, Genevieve is the pure form of Guinevere, who was Queen of the Golden Age of magic, and Aiko is Japanese, it means child of love."

"And?" she asks, not satisfied with what I've told her.

"And it is what Matthew and I would have named our first daughter, had we ever had children." My voice drifts off into memories.

"You knew she'd be a girl, didn't you?"

"Yes, but you were so sure it would be a boy."

"Minerva, thank you so much."

"For what?"

"For giving is this gift. For releasing a bit of yourself to us, though you knew it would hurt you." She reaches over, and squeezes my hand. "I wish you'd had a chance at happiness."

"Some things are better off not being had. I never really had friends in school, I was always off studying, I'm glad you had Harry and Ron to get you out there - living life, not living in the shadows. After Matthew died, I figured it was better not to let anyone get too close to me. The pain was so much less when they left if I wasn’t too attached to them. Other than Albus, you and Severus are my closest friends."

"How did Matthew die?"

"In a senseless and entirely preventable way. I could have saved him, and I froze." I lower my face into my hands. 30 years had not diminished this disappointment in myself at failing my love. I struggle to regain my composure, but fail miserably. I feel her arms slip around me, her warm touch filling me with peace. With my head still lowered, I continue. "We were eating dinner in Aberdeen, talking about our future. We finally left the restaurant about midnight and were sharing a kiss when two thugs came and demanded his money or I'd get hurt. He gave in to my pleas to co-operate with them and the thugs took it as a license to feel me up. I knew this would make Matthew angry, and I knew he'd fight back, for me. Even though they both had guns, he took them on, telling me to Apparate. I'd been trained for years in magic - I should have accio-ed their guns or done something. Instead, I focused on his words - the plea to Apparate, get myself to safety. I began to picture my cottage, while I reached my hand out to him. Our fingers brushed as one of the guns went off, and his hand slipped away."

"You've never forgiven yourself, have you?"

"His blood coats my soul. How can I forgive myself for letting him die?"

"And yet, he did the most unselfish act imaginable - he gave up his life so that you might live. Instead of letting you get hurt as well, he took it all on himself. He must have loved you very much, to have done something like that. It’s been 30 years Minerva, it's time to forgive yourself."

Forgiveness of myself is a foreign concept. I've been carrying around this guilt and grief for so long that it's become second skin to me. Yet her words crash over me like the surf, the simple truths there lead me towards the path of friendship and love - where I'd not trod in so long. As I release the years of guilt from my soul, I say good-bye to Matthew for the first time. My heart overflows, and I'm crying again. Hermione embraces me in a tight hug, and for the first time, I hug her back. I'm ready to go on with my life - and that includes bringing my friends closer to me. Through my tears, I smile and whisper a gentle thanks in her ear. I'll always love Matthew, of that there is no doubt, but now my life can go forward. Despite my denying it entrance, love has come into my life once more in the form of a young woman who cared enough to see past the façade and found me, healed me, made me whole once more.

Unbidden, the words from an old text filter up in my mind: "Greater love hath no man than that he would lay down his life for another." Matthew gave me that, and now it's time I put his gift to use.

Completed: 6^th February 2002