The Merlin

Of Pranks and Tricks

After a month of classes, the two Mungos went to work on pulling pranks. The teachers turned a blind eye to them; they knew that Matt and Richard would only be crazy for this one school year. Next fall they would start their apprenticeship training with Madam Pomfrey and be scraping Quidditch players off the ground; they had their whole lives ahead of them to be Healers. For now, they agreed in their staff room visits, let the boys be boys.

The Mungos used all the Muggle tricks they had bought at a joke shop in London: A toy snake that exploded from a can, a chewing gum pack with a finger trap, pepper gum, blackening soap, marked cards--simple toys that many students fell for. The twosome hid a whoopee cushion on the Headmaster's chair before dinner one night. Professor Flitwick couldn't stop laughing and squirted pumpkin juice out of his nose.

Others were also pulling pranks, the Weasley twins especially, with toys from Zonko's and magic-hued silliness, but they got the detentions while, most of the time, the Mungos got the wink.

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Matt and Richard slipped out of the castle just as dinner was finishing. Each had on two sets of robes, hiding their swim trunks and towels. It was still daylight; the prank had to be done while there was enough light to see by. This would be their most magical one, and they wanted nothing to go wrong.

They walked down the path to the lake, pausing by one tree long enough to quickly slip off the top robes and stash them up high, where they wouldn't be easily found, just in case anyone else was wandering about. Then they hurried on down to the point of the lake closest to the Slytherin common room. Off came the robes, shoes and towels, to be stashed under a bush. Out came a bottle of peppermint oil and a jar of Gillyweed.

As they smeared the oil on their feet, Richard remarked, "I read the Fantastic Beasts book about Grindylows, and it said nothing about peppermint oil."

"My dad always said Newt Scamander knows nothing about water animals or merpeople," Matt replied. "We've been in Llyn-y-Fan Fach and to other lakes plenty of times, and the Grindylows have never attacked us. It's because of the peppermint oil. They can't stand it."

"I know. I was with you. I just think it's funny that your dad knows so much about the lakes. What do you think he'll do when he hears about this prank?"

"You don't tell my dad, and I won't tell Mr. Malfoy," he retorted. "Just hope the giant squid is asleep. We don't need to be rescued."

The two waded into the water until they were hip deep and freezing. Richard gave half the Gillyweed to Matt.

"Go for the gills!" they crowed and crammed the rubbery plant into their mouths, chewed and swallowed. It took less than a minute for their necks, hands and feet to start to ache, then burn as the flesh reformed. Their breathing became ragged. They could not inhale: They were suffocating. They dove into the water and felt its oxygen relieve their bodies. The lake felt lukewarm. Their hands and feet quit hurting when their webbings were completed.

The sky's light was dimmer underwater, but the light from the Slytherin common room was bright. A ways out in the water they could see what looked like the shimmer of a ghost. Who knew that there would be a ghost in the lake? Something they'd have to look up in the Ravenclaw Book of Hogwarts when they got back. A couple of merpeople--perhaps guards--swam up. Matt and Richard had met merpeople before on some St. Mungo field trips and were able to give proper greetings and the password: "Myddvai". The merpeople were curious, but stayed nearby, watching as the boys approached the windows.

They swam up to the window as the Slytherins were coming back from dinner. No one noticed them. It was like watching a portrait filled with students moving, sitting, reading and talking. Over in the corner, there was an older boy and girl, teasing each other with their hands. A Gobstone game was going on next to the fireplace. The room looked drab with its black leather and green walls, with its silver framed portraits. The portraits noticed them first. Mouths were moving soundlessly, fingers pointing at them. Like puppets lined up on one string, the Slytherins turned and gaped at them. Matt and Richard grinned at each other, then carefully pressed their hands, their noses and then their stomachs against the glass. Then they stuck out their tongues and crossed their eyes.

The Slytherin room quietly, quickly erupted like a swarm of Doxys. Some students ran up to the window, others ran to the far side of the room. One or two students fled the room. More ran into it from what they guessed were the dormitories. A door flew open and Professor Snape swooped soundlessly into the room.

The currents in the water were pulling at them, so the boys decided that it would be a good time to leave. Richard and Matt pushed off the glass with their feet and swam back the way they had come. The two merpeople went with them, and the foursome stayed beneath the water a few more minutes, communicating in very simple Mermish. Then their necks, hands and feet were aching again, and it was time to resurface.

There was a madman on the shore, tearing at his hair and screaming as he paced up and down. Matt and Richard looked at each other. Now how were they going to get out, get their clothes, and get back to the safety of Ravenclaw tower before the Slytherins came crawling out of the dungeons? The water was freezing!

They carefully swam over to the edge of the lake, a few bushes away from the man. If they were careful, they could get to the first cache of robes without him noticing. But someone else was watching too.

"Now, how did you two come ter be out here?" It was Hagrid, the gamekeeper, stepping out of the trees. They were caught.

The madman whirled around, spittle flying from his mouth. It was Professor Quirrell!

"I THOUGHT YOU HAD DROWNED! I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!" He was so furious, he didn't stutter. "GET BACK! BACK TO THE SCHOOL!" he shouted hoarsely at them, pointing to the castle. The two eleven-year-old boys ran, tearing their robes out of the tree as they worked on keeping distance between themselves and the mad professor. Hagrid's booming laughter cheered them on, and they didn't stop running until they crashed into Professor Snape.

Two weeks of detention: One from Quirrell, one from Snape. It was worth it.

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The teachers were fair game for the twosome--threesome, actually, as the Grey Lady helped with lookout.

Matt and Richard jammed the door of the teacher's staff room shut. Professor Binns drifted through the wall to examine the situation and reported that coins had been shoved in the hinges. No magic was used for the stunt, so Flitwick suggested that no magic be used to get out of the room, giving the locked-in faculty an excuse to stay put. Quirrell was given the task of opening the door while the teachers continued their reading, visiting and snacking. After half an hour, Snape got tired of watching the man attempt the impossible and sent a house-elf to pull out the coins.

A few weeks later, the boys replaced the dead rubber plant in the teacher's lounge with Devil's Snare; something Sprout identified immediately, but left to see who would catch the joke. Quirrell commented on how nice it was to have something fresh and sat next to it.

The boys discovered Professor Trelawney's classroom, and switched the cups and poufs around, and hid the window coverings. They also hid the ladder, but they never saw the professor. Ravenclaws, after all, didn't take Divination classes.

Matt took old magazine covers that Madam Pince had tossed and used them to cover naughty magazines, then left them in the library. How some of them ended up in the staff room was a mystery.

From time to time, Richard wore the necktie he acquired in the Slytherin common room, smirking as he brazenly took food from the Slytherin table in the Great Hall under the watchful eye of their Head of House.

The twosome watched every Quidditch match from the stands, while the rest of the Mungos waited below to tend to the injured. They discovered the clandestine cricket and soccer games and played just as badly as they did at the pick-up games of Quidditch. They placed fourth (out of five) in the Live Hedgehogs Croquet Tournament. One game they didn't play was Gobstones; after all, they'd had enough of it at the hospital.

Every Thursday, Richard sent his mum and Mr. Malfoy letters using the school's owls. Mr. Malfoy owled often, and sometimes sent Richard a souvenir from Diagon Alley, Hogsmeade or Europe.

Richard's mum would owl pictures she had drawn, and sometimes candy from the gift shop at the hospital. Other staff members and two or three semi-regular patients owled from time to time, too. Professor Lupin, St. Mungo's School teacher, sent advice regarding study habits and suggestions for non-magical pranks. "Uncle Al", a semi-regular patient, sent reminders for "constant vigilance". He commended them for having the Grey Lady as an accomplice.

Unknown to the boys, Uncle Al and Potions Master Smyth also sent thank-you notes to Mr. Filch for looking the other way, to which he replied, "No trouble at all, glad to be of service." The sixth and seventh year Ravenclaws could be counted on to secretly clean up any of their mess that Filch couldn't or didn't want to handle. And the boys, after all, were Mungo boys, and St. Mungo's was good to Squibs.

School wasn't all pranks; there were classes, and Richard had his job of inventorying the Potions cupboard every evening. Sometimes Professor Snape had detentions in the classroom, and sometimes it was just the Professor marking papers. They rarely spoke to each other, as there was very little need for conversation. Once Richard learned the more arcane ingredients, tidied up the books and tossed out assorted leftovers, the job took fifteen minutes at most. He would write a short report of what needed to be refilled or what was going bad. The refill job was done by a seventh year Mungo under Madam Pomfrey's supervision. The seventh year left the school, via the dedicated Floo in the Hospital wing that went to St. Mungo's, to make the purchases at Diagon Alley.

And still, with everything going on (including Welsh Language Club and theatre productions), there was quiet time. The Ravenclaw Rehearsal room was an empty classroom near the Great Hall. It was there that Richard found "his" window, where he would sit like a cat and watch the doings of the students in the courtyard below, while studying his homework, visiting with the Grey Lady, or just letting his mind wander.

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About two weeks before school ended, the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher became deathly ill and was released from her contract. Professor Quirrell was given the job, having substituted for it a number of times. As he taught Astronomy, a night class, he had been able to step in at a moment's notice, and having taken the previous year off to travel and gain some "real-life" experiences, he was considered qualified to teach the subject full-time.

Professor Sinistra came on board to take the Astronomy lessons and to prepare for the future.

The year ended. Slytherin won the house cup, with Ravenclaw a close second. The boys got back on the train, and Richard slept until King's Cross station. He woke up in time to see Mr. Malfoy, who seemed to be standing where he last saw him. Then he saw his mum, and it was to her that the eleven-year-old boy ran, all school dignity forgotten.

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Author's notes: Melissa Erin Friedline's essay "Quirrell's Leave of Absence" at the Harry Potter Lexicon, was the basis for the teacher's timeline. Harry saw Quirrell without the turban at The Leaky Cauldron. Learn about Myddvai (also spelled "Myddfai" elsewhere) at mysteriousbritain.com.