Message In The Ashes

"Does the walker choose the path, or the path the walker?"

~ From The Book of The Dead (Lirael)

Chapter One

False Affirmation

The eyes that looked back on him in the mirror were soft and tired, darkened from lack of sleep. Even though it had been a week since the last full moon, Remus still felt fatigued and run down as if getting over a bout with the flu. His other classmates found his appearance disconcerting, and he was often given a wide berth in the corridors. Yet, no matter how bad things got, his friends were always by his side.

Remus was the last one in the dorm room that morning, combing through his pale brown hair, parting his lofty bangs over his forehead. His bed beside him was neatly made up, the curtains on the four poster tied back. He had gotten used to how the rest of the room looked over the past seven years. James made a decent effort to keep his place clean and tidy, but often slacked off. Peter was simply too small to bend over the bed to make up the covers, so his comforter and blankets were unskillfully tossed over the mattress to give the illusion that it was made. Sirius had no sense of a clean personal space, and he left his bed and drawers unkempt from the moment he arrived at Hogwarts to the moment he leaves every year. Only... this year was different.

The other beds in the room he could see in the mirror, and each one was just as cleanly made up as if Remus had done it all himself. Today they were leaving Hogwarts... for the last time.

"Really, Moony... do you have to stare at your face this long in the mirror every morning? You're not getting any younger," Sirius poked his head into the room.

Remus answered without diverting his attention to the mirror, "Funny, only two minutes ago I said the same thing to you. Only, you had had the mirror for nearly an hour before I spoke up."

Sirius made a face and put his hands on his hips, "Have to go out with style, and today's my last chance."

After a last swipe of his comb, Remus finally turned from the mirror and looked at Sirius as he packed the last of his things. The trunks sitting at the foot of each bed, including his, would be magically transported to the Hogwarts Express.

"Where are James and Peter?" Remus asked.

"Wormtail has been turned into an armadillo and you get three guesses as to where Prongs is," Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Armadillo, eh?" Remus smiled, "Are we back up to the A's then?"

"Yeah," Sirius grinned mischievously, "Last week was a zebra, remember? We did it after the last Quidditch match when he wasn't looking."

"That's right," Remus nodded knowingly, pushing past Sirius and trying not to look back into the room that had been his home away from home for so long. "Prongs rode on top of him when we won the match. You would think by now Wormtail would be more wary of you."

Sirius closed the door behind them, and Remus tried with all his willpower not to get emotional. Sirius apparently had no idea, for he was too busy explaining how he had deceived Peter this time. It was obvious that leaving Hogwarts was not as soul wrenching for him than it was for Remus. Yet, as he watched Sirius walk down the staircase to the common room, his vibes told a different story, that he was upset as well and doing his best not to show it.

Am I just as good at deception as you are? Remus asked him wordlessly in his mind.

The Gryffindor common room was buzzing with seventh years reminiscing over every detail the room contained. All of the younger students either laughed at the tales or paid no attention, slipping through the portrait hole every now and then to go down to the train platform. One particular gaggle of students occupied a corner by the hearth, laughing and pointing down to something on the floor. Remus could see Sirius' grin grow broader as they approached, and he rolled his eyes and sighed when they finally got the crowd to part.

"Sirius," Remus began calmly, "I don't believe that armadillos are pink."

Everyone broke out into a fit of giggles if they weren't laughing already, watching the small pink armadillo frantically making circles on the rug. His beady little eyes glared up at Sirius and looked pleadingly at Remus.

"I didn't turn him pink. James did," Sirius put on an angelic face.

Remus sighed and pulled out his wand, trying desperately to hide the genuine smile that threatened to break his calm composure. After shooing away as many people that he could, he muttered a short spell and instantly Peter popped back into his human self.

"You unreasonable git!" Peter immediately squeaked, his face just as pink in anger as it was before as an armadillo. He looked accusingly at Sirius, who began to swing his arms and whistle. "You deliberately told me that my shoe was untied- which it wasn't- and turned me into an armadillo!"

"I did?" Sirius looked around as if Peter was speaking to someone else, and Remus couldn't help but let a soft snort come out as the laughter threatened to come forth. "There are a lot of people here just as capable of turning you into an armadillo."

"And a pink one at that," Remus muttered under his breath. Peter looked at him suspiciously, and Remus could only smile innocently back.

Peter's small and pudgy body was rigid with anger, and his hands balled into fists as he turned his attention back to Sirius. Remus decided to leave them be, for fear of getting involved in a fray. He slipped quietly through the portrait hole and decided to look for James.

Remus didn't need three guesses to know where James was. In all of their adventures together, the infamous Marauders had only been caught twice. The first time was the worst, when Sirius decided to play a joke on a notorious Slytherin git named Snape. Snape had been suspicious of where Remus and his friends disappeared to every full moon, and Sirius decided to tell him where and how to get past the Whomping Willow to the secret place where Remus endured his painful transformations. He would had been killed hadn't James found out and stopped him before Remus could hurt him. Snape was sworn to secrecy about Remus and the Whomping Willow, and from that day on he let his hatred of them boil inside of himself, hating James even more than he had before because he had saved his life.

The second time they were caught had fewer implications. A girl named Lily Evans, whom James had a secret crush on, had stumbled upon them as James, Sirius, and Peter were sneaking out to be with Remus. She was a very bright young woman, and had a special way with people that she could earn trust very quickly. James, in his moment of male weakness, confessed everything to her, and instead of being disgusted or appalled, she found what they were doing as a noble and moral thing to do. Since then, her relationship with James grew into something more than friendship, and her respect and companionship with Remus deepened into a bond that would not be easily broken.

Remus couldn't help but feel a little jealous of James, for having someone to care so much for and love, and have those feelings returned. But he was eternally happy for them, and suppressed his selfish feelings and tried his best to dismiss them. However, with the last day of Hogwarts and a dark future upon him, Remus could feel just a twinge of that jealousy rise to the surface as he walked into the astronomy tower.

James and Lily immediately looked up, both of them flush and grinning like fools. They were snuggled into a corner behind some telescopes, peering through the stands at Remus.

"Sorry to interrupt, but I believe Wormtail has a bone to pick with you concerning the color pink," Remus said politely.

"And I thought your enthusiasm to be alone together was just because it was our last day, James Potter." Lily looked at James with laughter in her green eyes.

James flushed an even deeper red and tried his best to look innocent as he reluctantly parted himself from her and stood up.

"I thought pink suited him fine," he said mildly, looking at Remus. He looked at him back with his calm statement, his hands clasped together in front of him silently.

"Perhaps I should go and see if there are any pieces of Sirius left to put back together." James smiled and looked down at Lily, who looked back at him with slight disappointment in her eyes.

"Dear Moony and I will prepare two caskets for you," Lily grinned after a moment, looking over to Remus, who had suddenly blushed.

"Good idea," James nodded, pulling her to her feet and taking her hand. He handed her over to Remus, who turned an even brighter crimson. "You two behave now."

"Oh, I would never-" Remus babbled immediately, feeling his palm begin to sweat under Lily's gentle grip.

James laughed and Lily's eyes twinkled reassuringly at Remus. He calmed slightly, but tensed up when James left the tower, leaving them alone.

"Come on, let's get some fresh air," Lily said softly, taking the lead and walking them out of the tower and outside to the grounds.

Remus walked by her side, and her silence eventually calmed all his nerves. His hand rested easily in hers, and he couldn't help but feel a little disappointed when she released him as they approached the Lake. For a while, they didn't say anything, only stealing glances at one another as they gazed upon the water. The Giant Squid seemed to sense that that day was the last of the term, and it rested on the small ripples at the surface listlessly.

"Did James tell you?" Lily spoke suddenly, snapping Remus from his quiet staring.

"Tell me what?" He looked at her closely.

She broke into a half smile and looked back at the Lake, "James and I made a promise."

Remus turned to her, "Promise for what?"

Lily's smile broadened and her green eyes twinkled with quiet amusement at Remus' disconcertion. "A promise to stay together... always."

"You mean...?" He suddenly understood.

"Yes," she looked at him, "Not now, but later... yes."

Will I ever have an eternal bond? Remus thought as he smiled back at her in return and gave her a hug.

You already do, he answered himself, You're eternally bonded to the curse inside yourself.

"This doesn't change things between all of us, Remus," her voice sounded concerned, even muffled against his robes. "You're as much a part of the same promise as James and I, and Sirius and Peter."

"You mean you're marrying all of us?" Remus forced to joke, pulling away and smiling at her. He really was happy for his friends, but he couldn't help that feeling deep down inside that kept him from feeling happy with all his soul.

Lily's concern didn't lift, but she still smiled, "I already have, silly one."

He took her hand and looked her straight in her deep eyes, "Till death do us part."

"Till death do us part," she whispered. Why did her eyes darken so? Her hand tightened around his for a moment, before letting go and looking away again. Why did her smile suddenly wane? For a moment, Remus got the feeling that there was something more that she knew, something that involved her and James... perhaps even the others.

He was about to ask, when her smile returned and her posture became more like her confident self again.

"Let's go see if there are any pieces of James and Sirius left to put together." she grinned at him, turned, and started to walk back to the castle.

For just a moment more, Remus remained still and looked to the Lake one last time. Then, he walked quickly up to Lily, and they walked together back into Hogwarts.

*

It seemed that year that everyone left the Gryffindor common room at once. One whole mass of bodies streaming from the portrait hole into the corridor. Remus held himself back behind his small group of friends, who made up the last of the Gryffindor house to leave the common room. He couldn't help but to look back over his shoulder and see the portrait swing back to hide the entrance. The Fat Lady looked especially relieved that the year was over, and settled into her spot on the wall comfortably as she watched the last of them go. Remus almost felt compelled to say something, to say goodbye after all the years that he had to confront her with a password to get her to move. He didn't have the chance, however, because Peter had stopped suddenly and he ran into him.

"Oof!" Peter yelped, stumbling forward. Remus grabbed him and looked easily over his head to see the reason why they stopped.

"Sorry," he whispered to Peter, "What's wrong?"

Professor McGonagall was making her way against the onslaught of students down the corridor, heading for Remus' direction. For a moment, Remus was confused; then an instinctual reaction of fear, after many years at being a Marauder. Had she found them out for something? Were they going to be in trouble the moment they left for the last time?

Peter seemed to be thinking the same thing, for his small body began to tremble slightly. Remus could see James, Lily, and Sirius equally as frozen in place with pale looking faces.

"Lupin! Remus Lupin, where are you?" McGonagall huffed as she got closer. Immediately, all four of Remus' friends looked at him, fear clearly shown in their eyes as well as confusion. What did she want with him?

Trying hard not to tremble himself, Remus slowly raised his hand and waved. McGonagall spotted him and gave a sigh of relief with a slight smile.

Maybe I'm not in trouble after all, he thought to himself with his own relief.

The transfiguration professor made her way toward Remus, her path easier now that she was at the back end of the crowd. Remus was relieved that James, Lily, Sirius, and even Peter didn't make a move to leave him. They all stepped to the side against the corridor wall and waited as she came and stood in front of Remus.

"I need to see you in my office for a moment, Mr. Lupin. Also, the headmaster might want a word with you as well," she said breathlessly. Remus blinked and looked to his friends, who simply looked back at him with questioning expressions. They, for once, did not comfort him.

"But," he looked at the ground uncertainly and back up at her again, "What about the train? Will I miss it?"

That thought alone made his throat tighten with sick dread. To be denied his last hours with his best friends- his only friends- would be too much to bear.

"I don't believe so, no, Mr. Lupin." McGonagall thought a moment and then gestured for him to follow her.

If you're showing me the way, that's not necessary. I've been there enough times I could walk there in my sleep, He thought to himself as he began to follow. He looked at each of his friends in turn, and all of them, with the exception of Peter, gave him reassuring smiles. Sirius could almost have laughed, James was more encouraging, and lastly, Lily's was full of warmth and comfort.

"Mr. Lupin?" McGonagall called, and Remus walked more quickly.

The other hallways and corridors were empty since all the students had left behind them. Remus kept just behind Professor McGonagall, keeping his gaze everywhere else but her back. He wanted to burn the images of the castle into his brain so that he would never forget.

All too soon, they reached her office and McGonagall gestured for Remus to step inside. He looked at her statement as he past her, but couldn't make out an explanation as to why she would want to see him exclusively at the last moment. She told him to take a seat in front of her desk, and he obliged, sitting at the edge of the large armchair as if poised to leave the position as soon as possible. McGonagall raised an eyebrow, but said nothing on the matter. Instead, she took her place behind her desk and folded her hands over an enormous book that was close upon it. The book, Remus suspected, was the one rumored to tell the deputy headmistress all of the magical children that had ever been born.

"I brought you here, Mr. Lupin, to inform you that your elder brother will be picking you up at King's Cross," McGonagall said, looking at him intently.

Remus' eyes fell and his curious statement instantly faded into one of disconcertion. When she didn't continue, he brought himself back together to look up at her.

"That's all?" His voice was small.

"I will let your brother explain when you meet up with him, but I'm done with you, yes. However, the Headmaster would like a word." She looked seemingly over Remus' head. Following her gaze, Remus turned to look behind him, where, to his surprise, sat Professor Dumbledore.

"Hello, Remus." Dumbledore's voice was warm and friendly.

"Hello, Professor," he replied quietly, lowering his gaze.

Dumbledore stood up and went over to McGonagall, who promptly got up from her chair and left her own office, closing the door behind her. The headmaster then took her seat and gazed at Remus behind his half-moon spectacles.

"I know you're upset," Dumbledore began quietly.

"No, it's alright..." Remus started, but the Headmaster simply held up his hand and Remus quieted.

"It's not going to be easy, both you and I know that. However, I would like you to weigh your options. I still need you... your friends need you, and I'm afraid that your help could be more dire than originally expected. You can make a difference, Remus. Keep in mind what you're going home to."

When Dumbledore finished, he sighed and leaned back into the chair. For the first time, Remus noticed just how old the wizard was. What he was asking of him was serious, and he meant every word he said.

"I take it the others have not told you," Dumbledore said suddenly.

"Told me what?" Remus' brows furrowed.

"James, Sirius, and Lily have agreed to join the Order of the Phoenix," he answered softly.

Remus reeled back in shock. His best friends kept this a secret from him? Why? After he admitted that he was a werewolf, they vowed to never keep secrets from each other. Ever. Why did they betray him? Then it dawned on him just as suddenly as the shock hit him.

"Because I am a werewolf," he whispered to himself, but Dumbledore heard him. "Werewolves can't be aurors."

"Yes they can," Dumbledore told him firmly, sitting up straight again. "I asked them not to tell you, because you need to make this decision for yourself. Yet, I tell you now, because you need to know just how badly we need you."

Remus looked him straight in the eyes, seeing the certainty and desperation behind them. His anger and hurt that his friends had kept this a secret began to falter, and he could only think of how they were putting their lives in danger, and how he could help them. His thoughts quickly passed over to where he was going home to... his family... and it only wanted him to agree more. Yet... there was still that doubt... still that little voice at the back of his mind that kept taunting him.

Werewolves can't do anything but cause murder and mayhem. What makes you think you can make a difference?

Remus' eyes wandered the room a moment, before settling back upon Dumbledore's tired and kindly face. He suppressed the dark voice back down deep inside of him and forced himself to speak.

"When can I give you my answer?" he asked softly.

"As soon as you can give me one," Dumbledore replied.

Remus inhaled deeply and looked down at his feet, urging Dumbledore silently to let him go. He wasn't ready to make a decision... he needed to talk with the others. The headmaster got the hint, and with a warm farewell, dismissed him. McGonagall then made sure that Remus got safely on the train. As soon as he got on board, the train screeched to life and began to roll out of Hogsmeade Station. He watched Professor McGonagall as she slowly went out of sight, her statement a mixture of feelings as she watched his window disappear.

"For a while I thought you weren't going to make it," Sirius said, looking at him from his side of the compartment.

"What was it that McGonagall wanted?" James asked, sitting with Lily resting beside him.

Remus leaned back in his seat and sighed, stuffing his hands in his torn jean pockets. They had all removed their uniforms and packed them away, and Remus' clothing looked as if they were too big. His oversized shirt was wrinkled, and rips could be seen in his jeans. His left hand nearly went through the pocket itself. He looked down at his shoes, old and dirty with the soles just starting to pull off. Everything he owned were hand-me-downs.

"Neo is picking me up today." He looked back out the window, where the scenery had turned rural now that they were out of Hogsmeade.

Everyone's eyes fell and their expressions looked sympathetic. They knew how Remus' family life was like, but mostly about his brother, Neo. James especially knew what Remus had to live with, for he had tried to visit over the many summers past. Sirius nearly lost a limb the last time he had encountered Neo. Peter was simply too afraid to bring up the subject of visiting Remus' house. However, Lily only knew about it by what the others told her.

"I thought he left," James said quietly after a moment.

Remus shook his head, "Apparently not."

"It took that long to tell you this, though?" Sirius asked, recovering himself.

Not trusting himself to look at them, Remus answered as he continued to stare out the window.

"Dumbledore spoke with me when McGonagall broke this news."

When no one said anything, he went on.

"He has asked me to join a special group of aurors known as the Order of the Phoenix. He's asked me before, a few weeks ago."

James' voice was small. "What did you say?"

Remus couldn't help but look at them then.

"That I didn't know... and I still don't know. However, he told me what you all said."

James' face flushed like it always did when he was caught or embarrassed. Lily averted her eyes silently, while Peter simply stared at the opposite side of the compartment. Sirius looked downright awful, mouth gaping open wordlessly.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Remus looked at them all in turn, his statement pulled in disappointment. "I thought we all vowed to never keep secrets from each other again."

Sirius worked his jaw to speak, but couldn't find what to say. James sighed and ran his hand through his black untidy hair.

"He told us not to tell you... that he wasn't sure," James' voice was bitter toward himself.

"He didn't think... we didn't want to get your hopes up, only to disappoint you later," Sirius finally managed to say with desperation.

"I know these excuses are unacceptable... but... you're like a brother to us and we didn't want to hurt you," James added, looking away.

"We thought it was for the best, Remus, really," Lily said quietly. Peter was still silent.

They all watched Remus as he continued to look at them all with disappointment in his eyes. However, the more he looked at them, the more he saw the trust they all represented and how much they really did care for him. When he didn't say anything for several minutes, Remus took a deep breath and looked off to the side.

"I don't know what to do."

James got up and sat beside him, putting a strong hand on his shoulder. Sirius sat up straight, his face solemn. Lily moved over to sit in front of him and took his hands gently in hers. Only Peter remained unmoved, watching silently with shame clearly shown on his face.

"Whatever you choose, you have to choose for yourself, mate. Don't do it because we're doing it... you do it for what you think is right," James said.

"I don't care if you never forgive us, Moony, but we're all truly sorry," Sirius muttered.

The train whistle blew as they entered a tunnel, the compartment lights turning on as darkness swallowed the window. Remus sensed that his friends were genuine to their word, and the anger and shock of what they had done ebbed away. After a few minutes, he began to nod.

"I forgive you," he whispered.

Everyone seemed to exhale with relief, and both James and Sirius began to pound on him as they always did. Finally, Remus was laughing along with them, and the group's tension was lifted, letting them all relax.

"Why are you doing it?" he asked them after they had all settled down. Silence followed again, yet with each of them with thoughtful expressions.

"Because Dumbledore said we're his only hope?" Sirius cracked a grin.

"No, because we're the smartest trouble-makers on Earth and he wants us to play a prank on the Death Eaters," James mocked him.

"Because I'm cute?" Lily smiled sweetly, but she immediately began to shake her head.

"Well, of course that's your reason!" James kissed her.

Remus laughed. "No, come on, really."

Another quiet pause, and Sirius spoke again, "Because we are the only hope."

"And because we are skilled and powerful wizards," James added solemnly.

"And so are you, Remus... that's why he asked you," said Lily, looking at him kindly.

He looked away a moment, trying to find some argument to what they said, but he knew that if he told them how he really felt about his worth, that they would rebuke him for his self-pity. James had spent the greater part of their years together trying to get him to stop feeling sorry for himself, to overcome his curse and embrace everything that he could do. Could he really be able to make such a difference as both his friends and Dumbledore said he could?

"I told him I would send him my answer by owl when I knew," Remus said finally, hoping that for the rest of the trip, that they could move on to talk about something else more worth while of their short time left together.

To his relief, everyone accepted his answer and settled back down. Talk moved on to memories of the past seven years. Peter, who had remained silent for the whole beginning of the trip, was unusually curious about what James and Lily planned to do, since they had made a "promise" to one another. Remus watched his timid and stout friend with an inquisitorial statement. No one seemed to notice, but there was just something about Peter that wasn't right. Yet, he shrugged his perception off, taking care to realize that Peter was generally like that- held back, eager, and easily frightened.

All too soon, they could feel the train begin to slow down. The engineer spoke over the loudspeaker that they were arriving at Platform 9 3/4, and to assemble their baggage. Morosely, each of them pulled out their trunks and packed what was left of their belongings that weren't already put away.

Remus refused to look out the window as the train squealed to a stop. The loud din of voices from family and friends began to filter into the compartment. Feeling his spirits die as every second passed, Remus grabbed his trunk and slung a light jacket over his shoulder. Peter left the compartment first, shouting to them all to meet him off the train. Sirius reluctantly followed, his normally gung-ho nature lost to that of sadness. When James and Lily looked at Remus, he instantly got the hint that they wanted a moment alone. Without a word, he left to follow Sirius off the train.

"They're only going to be together all summer," Sirius muttered as they stepped onto the platform.

"When you fall in love, perhaps you'll understand," Remus sighed, keeping his gaze to the ground.

"Like that's going to happen... let's face it, I'm a rogue dog, Moony," he looked back at him, but Remus didn't notice. Sirius frowned and swept the platform carefully with a furrowed gaze.

"My mother is waiting, what's taking them so long?" Peter whined.

"Keep your pants on, Wormtail, they're coming," Sirius rolled his eyes, tapping his foot.

Remus set his trunk down and only allowed his eyes to move up to the train's exit. For a few minutes more, he continued to wait with Sirius and Peter. However, one voice broke through the crowd that was unmistakable.

"There you are. I've been looking everywhere, you idiot!"

Remus' breath froze, his body stiffened up straight as a board. Sirius and Peter immediately silenced.

"Come on, you fool! I'm not hanging around this ditch any longer, let's go!"

With a slight turn of his head, Remus braved himself to speak to his oldest brother.

"Hold on just one more minute, Neo, okay? My friends-"

"I don't freak'n care about your friends," Neo growled. Remus still refused to look at him, only desperately up at the train exit, willing James and Lily to finally come. "I'm leaving with or without you. Now."

His throat clogging up and his face red with anger, Remus gave in and turned to him. Sirius looked furious, while typical Peter looked about ready to wet himself.

"Now, wait a second... can't-" Sirius started angrily, but Neo, being twice his height, turned on him threateningly.

"I can't what, Black?"

Sirius looked to Remus, who looked back at him with a warning statement. Don't do it, Sirius, it's not worth it, he said with his eyes. Still angry, Sirius lowered his gaze and looked away, taking controlled breaths.

"Oh, hello Neo."

Remus looked up to see James and Lily stepping off the train, dragging their trunks behind them. Both of them were looking at Neo with complete contempt, their eyes flickering back and forth between him and his Remus.

"Eh," Neo cuffed, looking away. He turned then to Remus, roughly grabbing his shoulder. "Let's go."

"We'll see you, Remus... soon," James called after them, sounding defeated.

"Hang in there, Moony!" Sirius called out.

They wove between the crowds quickly, Remus only managing small glances at the families that were being reunited... the friends bidding tearful farewells. He watched it all from a distance, knowing that his fate kept him from such privileges. As Remus left the platform with Neo still gripping his shoulder firmly, he couldn't help but let the one tear stinging his left eye to fall.

Next, In Chapter Two: Perhaps the answers to some of our questions as to the reason behind Lupin's character, as he arrives home with his unpleasant elder brother, Neo.

"The true test of character is not how much we know how to do, but how we behave when we don't know what to do." ~ John Holt