The Contract

"Mr. Black, under legal conditions, we need to sign this contract?"

"Why.....?"

"Mr. Black, many teachers refuse to return this year until you sign this."

"Well, let me read it."

A Civil Agreement Enforcing Sirius Black To Act Like A Civillized Person

1. I will not call any Professors by their first names.

2. I will not sleep with any Professors.

3. I will not let any Professors sleep with me.

4. I will not use bribery.

5. I will not accept bribery.

6. I will not dye my hair on school grounds.

7. I will not dye other's hair.

8. I will not see how many first years can fit in a cupboard.

9. I will not launch house elves into orbit.

10. I will not impersonate a Professor and teach a first year class.

11. I will not sell tickets to the (non-existant) school elevator.

12. I will not ask my dog to herd the first years.

13. I will not flirt with anyone older than my mom.

14. I will not play strip poker in the girl's dorm.

15. I will not go skinny dipping in the lake with girls.

16. I will not go skinny dipping at all.

17. I will not refer to the professors as "Mom" and "Dad".

18. I will not send fan mail, hate mail or love letters to any professors.

19. I will not write and publish reviews of my professor's lessons.

20. I will not play "How many marshmellows can I fit in my mouth?" with James anymore.

21. I will not set Peeps on fire to watch them die.

22. I will not give myself a fan club.

23. I will not join any fan clubs.

24. I will not date any Slytherins except for the hot ones.

25. I will not use an invisibilty cloak to sneak into the girl's showers.

26. I will not use any swear words in earshot of a professor.

27. I will pretend not to hear my professor's swear words.

28. I will not cover anyone in whip cream - for any purpose.

29. I will not cover myself in whip cream.

30. I will not use the Kama Sutra for book reports.

31. I will not use Dr. Seuss books for book reports.

32. I will not slip Prozac in Snape's dinner.

33. I will not slip Prozac in anyone's dinner.

34. I will not ask James to slip Prozac in anyone's dinner.

35. I will not drug house elves.

36. I will not laugh at drugged house elves.

37. I will not ask first years for sex advice, no matter how funny their stares are.

38. I will not take any first year's sex advice.

39. I will not create my own "Neverland" for house elves.

40. I will not teach house elves the moon-walk.

41. I will not let my dog bite Snape.

42. I will not bite Snape.

43. I will not refer to James and myself as "Thing 1" and "Thing 2".

44. I will not taste glue.

45. I will not run house elf sweatshops.

46. I will not impersonate Howard Stern.

47. I will not kidnapp Howard Stern.

48. I will not write tabloids about myself.

49. I will not claim I am "Don Juan".

50. I will not ask professors to refer to me as "Don Juan".

51. I will not call myself "Don Juan".

52. I will not change my name to "Don Juan".

53. I will not give sex advice to my professors.

54. I will not give sex advice to first years.

55. I will not use Playboy for book reports.

56. I will not use Penthouse for book reports.

57. I will not use Hustler for book reports.

58. I will not use Sports Illustrated: Swinsuit Issue for book reports.

59. I will not claim my life's ambition is to be a hobo.

60. I will not ask the Mafia to place a hit on anyone.

61. I will not let my brother(s), sister(s), or any other family member to move into my dorm.

62. I will not make long-distance phone calls to Italy during class.

63. I will not accept long-distance phone calls from Italy during class.

64. I will not place first years in vending machines.

65. I will not place house elves in vending machines.

66. I will not organize Woodstock to be in the Great Hall.

67. I will not claim "my inner hippie doesn't accept homework".

68. I will not hitchhike home to "the hood".

69. I will not act as a lawyer for house elves.

70. I will not represent foreign countries for the Ministry.

71. I will not sleep during class.

72. I will not bring sleeping bags to History of Magic.

73. I will not auction Krispy Kremes at lunch during "healthy eating" week.

74. I will not ski indoors.

75. I will not light fireworks indoors.

76. I will not sell fireworks on school grounds.

77. I will not sell illegal substances on school grounds.

78. I will not ask the owners of Nimbus brooms to adopt me.

79. I will not come to class drunk.

80. I will not get house elves drunk.

81. I will not become a mime during class hours.

82. I will not sleep in any dorm other than my own.

83. I will not let others sleep in my dorm, unless they live there.

84. I will not play hockey indoors.

85. I will not hire strippers for lunchtime entertainment.

86. I will not become a stripper for lunchtime entertainment.

87. I will not ride horses indoors.

88. I will not ask girls to mud wrestle.

89. I will not mud wrestle with girls.

90. I will not read porn during class.

91. I will not watch porn doing class.

92. I will not sell porn during class.

93. I will not break into song at odd moments.

94. I will not ask to leave Hogwarts and join Clown College.

95. I will not do things that I am positive are illegal.

96. I will not do things I believe are illegal.

97. I will not create the "Stepford House Elves".

98. I will not do anything that is positively stupid.

99. I will not encourage others to act stupid.

100. I will not encourage others to do anything on this list.

I abide by these rules and agree to all for them for my entire 7th year of Hogwarts.

Sirius chuckled. "Is this what happens at staff meetings?"

Dumbledore sighed, "Yes, actually."

Sirius raised an eyebrow.

"Just sign, please, Mr. Black....."

"Fine, fine, fine, can I have a pen?"

"Thank you. Here."

Yours Truly

Sirius Black