Something I Regret

Something I Regret (State Of Mind)

She stared into the mirror unseeing, looking past the glass and staring into the unfeeling dark eyes of Despair- her eyes. But something disturbs her and the feeling of fear and regret fill her. Only a few more days and this time she'll be quicker.

"Hermione?" She takes her eyes from the glass to look behind her at the locked door.

Soon.

"I'm coming," she replies wiping away the black smudges from beneath her eyes whilst repeating the mantra in her head.

Soon. Soon. Soon.

Opening the door she stares at the chest of her husband who is smiling lightly at her, she pushes past him gently and walks towards their bedroom. Taking her hairbrush she begins to brush the unruly mane of hair she has, her husband kisses her gently on the brow and walks to the bed to watch her. He often does this, just sits and watches her whilst she avoids his eyes and stares in case he sees the real her. In case he sees the truth in her eyes and stops her, she has set her mind to her choice now. She has given him- given them all one too many chances.

She has gotten good at hiding like he had once been, except she didn't hide behind robes and scowls like he did. No, she hid in plain view behind smiles and false happiness. But she had given them the chance to understand and to help. She had left her journal open and unlocked so they could all read it but they never had let their curiosity get the better of them and they had never read her pleas for help. They had, had their last chance.

She tied her hair back into bun and clipped the blue jewelled earrings into her ears. She turned and smiled at him, placing her hand on his, she smiled to stop herself from crying and from him knowing.

"Ready darling?"

Soon.

"Yes," she replies. Courage; they say that these people are cowards and are taking the easy way out but it was never easy, it took courage. She had plenty of courage, she was a Gryffindor after all.

The part was like all parties they attended: he would be unsociable but attend to her often, Ron would get drunk and make a prat of himself, Remus would smile and be polite, and she? She smiled whilst talking to Harry, she pretended she was fine and pretended she was getting better.

Three miscarriages. She had, had three miscarriages although they only knew about the one which had devastated her. She had been prescribed large amounts of potions then, they made her delirious and nauseous. Now she was all better, off the drugs and back to her normal self or so they thought. She was the perfect wife, perfect friend, perfect daughter. But not for much longer.

Soon.

She stood again before the mirror unseeing, hands shaking but finally locking the door. Her mascara had run again but she no longer cared. She placed her back against the door and sat rocking herself for a little while until she was calmer.

Soon.

"Hermione?"

She gripped the object in her hand tightly as she heard quick panicked footsteps coming for her. Pulling her jumper sleeves up she revealed the perfect pink lines across her arms.

"Hermione?!" His voice, he was banging at the door now. "Please Hermione open the door, please open the door Hermione." He pleaded his voice full of desperation as he repeated his very own mantra.

She stared at the object in her hand, a sharp blade, whilst cutting deeply into her perfect skin. She had never imagined it would be so red and already she could feel it. Blood, her blood pooling slowly. And now more painfully she made her way to the other perfect wrist.

Lying with her head on the door she quietly rocked back and forth repeating her mantra out loud. He was sobbing, begging her to open the door.

"I love you Hermione, please open the door."

She smiled weakly and replied with her last reserve of strength. "I love you too Severus but I just don't love myself anymore."

Lying in her own blood she felt comforted.

Hermione C Snape

Beloved Wife, Daughter and Friend.

Finally at Rest

16/9/2003