For You

Four Ominous S's

Lily spent the next month in a constant state of numbness; she couldn't sleep, didn't eat and spent nearly all her time in the Owlery It was the one place she was certain she wouldn't see many people, for although it was May, it was still a little chilly up in the tower and not a popular place for students to go.

Severus had left the morning after their row, and she had neither seen nor heard of him since, which was quite possibly worse than seeing him every day, as it also required Lily to miss his presence on top of being hurt.

The feelings she had were not unlike those which every broken hearted girl experiences at one point in her youth, and Lily was so deeply immersed in it that she was oblivious to the fact that several people had noticed her change in behaviour.

One of them was James Potter.

He noticed the circles under eyes, her absence at mealtimes, the way she didn't seem to hear when spoken to. He lost the desire to take the mickey out of her, or even try to charm her, sensing something was wrong and that something had happened, but he couldn't for the life of him think as to what.

Remus had noticed as well, and the coincidental leaving of Severus from Hogwarts had not escaped him as it had some people either, yet he remained silent.

One particularly sunny Saturday, James saw her emerge from the girls' dormitory, cross the common room without speaking to anyone, and climb through the portrait hole. He'd been half-heartedly attempting an essay for Transfiguration with Peter, but at that moment, thought of a much different way of spending the afternoon.

"Wotcher, Wormtail," James bid him goodbye as he sprinted up to his bedroom, snatched his Invisibility Cloak from where it lay under his bed and proceeded to rush out of the common room, much to the surprise of his friend.

Lily climbed to the top of the Owlery, which was mercifully empty, and fished in her pocket for a treat for Ringo. Supporting him on her arm, she walked toward the nearest window and leaned against the sill, absent-mindedly stroking her owl.

Nothing. Not a word by post or otherwise. Days had gone by, each one bringing with it the hope that he might come back, and each ending with that hope dashed. Word on the uprising had reached a strange peak, with rules pertaining to the whereabouts of students becoming alarmingly strict.

She wondered, with a heavy heart, how long he'd been thinking about ending it- how long he'd known about everything and not told her. She thought about how she'd just happily ignored any possible signs- of anything- and followed him around like a lovesick, problem-free puppy.

Lily had always despised Petunia's Muggle television shows about the sad high-school relationships and the bawling girls in their tiny skirts and cell phones, but now she felt very miserable, and could almost have sympathized with them.

Tears started welling up in her eyes as they fell upon the Whomping Willow, which they'd frozen time and again to sneak into the tunnel that led to the Shrieking Shack.

There he'd always been so... real. Well, real enough for her to believe him. How real had he actually been with her? She'd known there were secrets, but she'd honestly had had no idea.

She wished she hadn't been so short and sarcastic all the time. Maybe then he'd still want her... maybe he would have told her more about his plans. At that, her thoughts trailed wildly to all the mistakes she'd made...

"Evans?"

The sudden sound spooked Ringo, who flew off Lily's arm and out the window.

Haphazardly wiping her face with her sleeve, Lily turned to face- Potter.

There was a stunned silence as James took in Lily; the redness of her eyes, the state of her hair and robes, and most of all, the look on her face.

"Well- what do you want?" Lily asked, her voice sounding higher than she'd have liked.

James pretended not to notice.

"Uh-" he didn't quite know what to say- he hadn't given much thought past the following Lily concept.

Lily took this awkward silence to grab her bag, and brush past James, who was still trying to think of something to say.

"Hey, Evans- wait!"

Lily ignored him, descending the stairs of the Owlery quickly, willing tears of frustration and now embarrassment away.

But though James hadn't any idea what he wanted to do once he had her, he still didn't want to let her walk away. Following her at a run, he reached out about halfway down the stairs and grabbed Lily's elbow.

"Hey," Lily protested, trying to pull away.

"What's up with you?" James asked wildly, trying not to pinch too tightly.

Lily stopped struggling and looked at him.

"What?" She stared at him, wide-eyed, and her mind started racing for appropriate lies.

"What- what's been up with you? You look so-" Pale, sad, scared, thought James.

The concern on his face took her by surprise, and the lies flew from her mind. All she wanted at that moment was to get away from him.

"Nothing- there's... nothing. Let me go, please." Lily wrenched her arm away, but James grabbed it again, not hard, but firmly.

"Evans- Lily, there's something wrong. I see it- everyone sees it. It's ok if you don't want to talk about it... but-"

"Then let me go!" Lily suddenly snapped. The prospect of everyone in Gryffindor talking about her behind her back- of Potter pre-thinking this confrontation- was too much.

As the tears began to flow again, Lily tried to break away, this time throwing her entire body away from James, but he reached out his other arm and pulled her back, wrapping it around her front.

Everything happened quickly, James' voice protesting, Lily's own voice yelling at him, her self-loathing and misery choking her- it was faded, as if she were underwater.

Lily allowed herself to be pulled in, felt James' arms wrap around her, took in the bewildered look on his face.

"It's ok," he said softly, sounding as concerned as he'd looked. "It's ok."

Lily wanted badly to be somewhere else; somewhere not on the dropping-strewn steps of the Owlery. Somewhere not with James Potter. But her body wouldn't- couldn't- allow her to make anymore decisions. Her exclusion of food had finally caught up to her; she had no energy to run, to fight. She could barely cry anymore. It was too much. It was all too much.

"I hate this," Lily wept angrily into his chest, trying to put her fists between him and her face, wishing she could go somewhere- anywhere... but even her adrenaline was gone...

James didn't say anything. He just continued to hold her, steadying her as they sat on the stairs.

After a few moments of terrifying silence had passed, James loosened his grip, and Lily felt-to her mortification- her body chilled in protest.

He bent his head to look at her face. "Lil, you can talk to me."

"No." Lily said shortly. "There's nothing to talk about."

"Lil-"

"Don't call me that," Lily snapped, pushing his arms away and standing shakily.

"Evans, wait-"

Lily stopped for a moment, and turned back to him.

"Don't tell anyone about this. Understand? No one."

James looked so confused. He merely nodded.

"Promise, James."

Perhaps it was the use of his first name that caught him off guard, but James knew right then that he wouldn't ever tell Peter, Remus or even Sirius.

"I- I promise. No worries. Cheers." James stood up quickly, his face now hard and pensive. He brushed past her and descended on his own, not looking back.

Lily wondered, as she picked up her bag and descended herself, much slower, why it was she felt guilty about what had just happened.

He waited in the common room until dusk, which was curfew, for Lily to return. When she didn't, he grabbed his Invisibility Cloak and headed out to find her.

He snuck past the two professors on duty at the door, ensuring whoever was in did not go out, turning instead into the dungeons toward a secret tunnel he and Sirius had once found.

Emerging from behind a statue into the grounds garden, James started for the lake but didn't need to go that far. He saw her sitting on the stone wall, facing the forest, not five feet away from him.

"You know, it's after curfew," James said conversationally. "If you try to go inside tonight, you'll be in trouble."

No answer.

James left his cloak behind the statue and climbed up beside her on the wall.

"It's lucky for you that I know a secret way into the castle, and I'm in a good mood, so I'm willing to share with you this knowledge-"

"What do you want, James?" Lily asked abruptly.

"S-sorry?"

"I asked you to leave me alone, and yet, here you are. What. Do. You. Want."

James considered this.

"Things are getting kind of panicky around here, Evans. We good guys have to stick together against the bad guys, you know?"

"And what classifies the good guys, exactly?" she asked hotly. "Those who are taken home by their parents, or the bullies that tormented them?"

James chuckled.

"Touche. Suppose we'll just have to stick together, and wait and see.

Lily didn't reply, and they sat quietly as it got darker. Soon, James got cold.

"Little chilly, you reckon we head in now?"

Lily shook her head. "You go ahead," she said coldly.

James grinned. "Not a chance, Evans. I'm your free ticket back into the castle."

Lily turned to him suddenly.

"Well, I don't need your charity, thanks. You go on in, Potter."

She jumped down from the wall then, and stalked away. James however, quickly followed.

"Hang on a tick," he called, stopping in front of her. Lily's eyes blazed impatiently.

"Stop it, Potter. What you're doing is not 'cute.' Stop trying to be charming and leave me alone."

"Hey, why all this hostility?" James asked good-naturedly, falling into step with her as she began walking away again. "Whatever happened to being friends? I thought we'd agreed to try for friends?"

"We are friends," Lily informed him coldly. "If I still hated you, I'd have hexed you already."

James stopped dead, abruptly enough to make Lily stop out of pure surprise.

"What is it?" she asked.

"You have no idea how long I've been waiting to hear that," he said almost breathlessly, his hand over his heart. He broke out into a broad grin.

Lily looked as if she might smile, but then it was gone.

They stood facing each other for a moment, then-

"Lily, has- has something happened to you?" he hesitated, unsure of whether he had crossed a line, but ploughed on. "You just- you just aren't the same lately. This isn't you."

Lily was suddenly reminded of her last conversation with Severus.

No! This isn't you. I know you! What happened?

"No," Lily answered, looking away. "Nothing. I guess it's just the talk these days... it's unnerving."

"Is that all?" James almost laughed. "Look, Lily, there's not too much to worry about with all that. At least, not yet."

"How do you know?"

"I have my sources, the privilege of being Pureblood. It's all talk. It's not going to come to anything. It's just a bunch of idiot purists. They do this every once and awhile."

Lily eyed him suspiciously. "Really?"

James grinned again. "Really."

Lily sighed, and felt strangely relieved, though only some. There was still that other problem... But still- she was grateful to James for soothing her fears about a war.

James gestured toward the castle.

"What say we go inside now?" he suggested.

Lily forced a smile. "Fine. But you don't get to talk about this. Not to me, not to your friends, not to anyone."

James looked as if he wanted to ask why, or perhaps just give a smart remark, but he stopped himself.

"Fine," he said, offering his arm. Lily declined to take it, and James cheerfully threw an arm around her shoulders.

"Now that's the Evans I know."

June began. Exams were coming, the weather was warm and talk of an uprising had died down to a dull murmur, appearing to really be nothing more than a rumour.

With that conclusion came a rising hope from Lily that, seeing as the allegations against the Pureblood protestors were false, Severus might come back to school. It was a vague hope, she knew, but she couldn't help it.

While Lily still had the aching feeling of rejection, while she still missed Severus and looked to the post every morning in case there was a letter from him, she was better.

This was because James Potter had decided to take care of her. As the end of Sixth Year approached, it was clear that quite a few students, Potter included, had proved their maturity with the threat of an uprising. One of them was Sirius Black, who no longer hexed people in the corridors and ultimately took after his best friend's influence.

James had decided after his few encounters with Lily that she needed someone to look after her. Her friends seemed preoccupied and acted as if they didn't notice her absences, lack of food and change in behaviour. Marla was rarely around anymore anyway, and Gretchen wasn't in Lily's house, making it difficult to notice small things. There were other girls Lily was often found with, girls from Gretchen's house as well as girls from Gryffindor and their younger sisters, etc. But with the excitement of a mentioned war, friendships seemed to be fading. Some students, like Severus Snape, had been pulled from Hogwarts by their parents. It was rumoured for a few that, seeing as the war threats had died down, they would write their exams by correspondence and return in the autumn. There was really no one around and when there was, they were looking out for the most important person to them: themselves.

James took it upon himself to make sure Lily maintained a healthy lifestyle. He was patient and friendly, guiltily admitting to himself and his friends that he may have been taking advantage of her vulnerability to get her to stop hating him, but he helped her nonetheless.

While he still didn't know what was wrong, James ploughed on. It wasn't what was wrong that was the problem; it was how she was dealing with it, which was badly.

So he sat with her during some (not all, in the interest of not becoming a pain) meals, made sure she ate, kept an eye on her to ensure she didn't miss any more class, and generally conversed with her. Lily didn't seem to object.

In reality, she was glazed over. Lily thought about no one but Severus, and didn't mind James' presence because he was a dose of reality that even Lily, in her state of miserable indifference toward life, knew she needed.

She missed Severus. She at least wanted to discuss what had happened between them with him, but he seemed to have absolutely no interest in that. He hadn't written her, though she was sure she'd heard one of his Slytherin housemates talking about him living at home, so she knew he wasn't in danger. That was a small comfort.

Nevertheless, in spite of her heavy chest and tight throat, her constant headaches and her meagre appetite, Lily was improving, day by day. She completed school work, she slept a bit more every night. She thought about her situation, about the relationship they'd had, and realized that it was over. She realized that there was little hope to continue with something that was so obviously at odds.

For this she thanked James. He worked with her on homework, told her blatantly to eat her meals and attend class. He never asked again why she was so sad. He gave no impression of having spoken to others about anything that had happened, and they just assumed he was edging in to make a move.

So slowly, through her misery, through her worries and sad feeling of loss and missing Severus, she grew to trust him. Because his presence in her life was arbitrary and subtle, increasing over time, Lily did not find it strange when she was no longer irritated by his presence. Indeed, she even listened when he spoke, and obeyed when he told her to do something. Upon later examination, Lily supposed it was because her instincts knew that she needed help, even if it came from him. He had strength, and she borrowed it from him until she could stand on her own.

When that day came, however, Lily found that she didn't want James to stop being around. In a way, he'd provided a useful substitute for the support usually provided by a loved one, and Lily was grateful. As well, she'd become used to his quirky humour and easy company. They'd become, in a word, friends.

"Hey," he greeted her at breakfast one morning. Lily had risen earlier than usual and was perusing the Daily Prophet over her morning coffee and toast.

"Morning," Lily replied, grinning as she swallowed a mouthful of doctored java. "What?" she giggled at his random grin. He leaned forward, checking to see if no one was listening.

"It's Friday."

"Yeah, I got that from the calendar in the bathroom," Lily said, flipping the page.

"Well I was thinking... class is so overrated."

Lily laughed, but otherwise ignored him, reading the paper. "You're not suggesting-"

"What? Good girl Evans too scared to put a toe out of line?" James teased, pulling the paper away from her. Lily raised an eyebrow.

"What did you have in mind?"

"Two Butterbeers," James grinned, setting the drinks on the table at the Three Broomsticks.

Lily accepted hers with a smile.

"Cheers, to a day well spent," he raised his bottle in a toast. Lily toasted and drank, settling back in the warm sunshine. They were both seated on a bench on the main street in Hogsmeade, now drinking Butterbeer and feeling utterly too pleased with themselves.

"You know," James said, watching a group of small children running up the street with bags of candy from Honeydukes, "Sirius was ridiculously pissed off when he heard I was skipping class with you instead of him."

Lily laughed. "Oh, so what? He thinks I'm competition or something? What exactly was stopping him from coming along?"

James shrugged. "Knowing Sirius, he prolly thought I was taking you out on a date."

Lily groaned into her bottle as she took another sip. "Yeah, a long, dark and spidery walk through an underground tunnel for a couple of beers on a park bench is really romantic."

James stood up. "I've had enough of sitting around. What's say we go for a walk?"

Lily shrugged and, smiling joined James on the walk toward the edge of town.

"I have the coolest thing to show you," James said, grinning.

"What is it?" Lily asked, tossing her empty bottle into a nearby bin.

"No, you have to wait. Seeing as I'm on a romantic role, I have the icing on the cake for you."

Lily laughed. "I can hardly wait."

They walked for another good ten minutes, along a path surrounded by trees. The sun streamed though the branches above, speckling the pathway with freckles of light, and Lily sighed, feeling strangely cheerful. Though not nearly over Severus yet, James' company was diverting, and in a good way.

"Here we are," James said, stopping Lily. "Close your eyes. I'll be right back."

Lily looked at him doubtfully, but smiled and obliged. James disappeared for a moment, then came back and took her arm. "Don't peek," he warned.

He led her into what seemed like a clearing and told her to open her eyes. Lily did, and stared straight ahead at the Shrieking Shack.

"Cool, huh?" James asked, surveying it.

Lily swallowed something unnameable and rolled her eyes.

"Please. I'm a sixth year Hogwarts student. I've seen the Shrieking Shack before."

James took a moment. "Well, I bet you've never been inside."

Lily almost laughed, but couldn't. Before she had time to answer, James had grabbed her arm and dragged her to the fence.

"No, James, we shouldn't," she protested, yanking her arm back.

"Why not?"

"Well... well, isn't it haunted?"

James grinned. "Can I tell you a secret?"

Lily forced herself to smile back, swallowing her nausea at the same time.

"Sure."

"It's not haunted. My friends and I mess around in here all the time."

"You do?" Lily was genuinely surprised.

"Sure. C'mon, I'll prove it."

With that, Lily had no choice but to allow James to drag her across the front yard and into the house.

It was different in the daytime. Light streamed through the cracks in the boarded windows and filled the rooms with a dusty sort of light. Everything seemed less ominous and mysterious.

"I love this place," James was saying as he steered her around. "I have some really good memories about just hanging out here."

Lily sighed as they entered the living room. There, on the floor from the last time she'd been was the maroon blanket, crumpled and forlorn. She bent down to the blanket, and saw that it had been soiled.

"Oh, you don't want to touch that," James said with a face. "Sir and I found a dead animal here last week and we had to use it to clean it up."

James, now awkward because he was dangerously close to having to deal with curious questions in how the animal got there in the first place, scrambled to think of an answer before Lily asked the question.

"We, er, we think it might've been in a fight with another animal or something."

Relieved, James walked into the hall, recalling that Moony had commented on leaving a few bones there.

While James was putting the bones discreetly in a hall drawer, Lily didn't even notice he was gone. She was still kneeling beside her soiled maroon blanket, staring into the vacant fireplace, wishing that just maybe, someday, she could climb out of her head and forget all about Severus Snape and the Shrieking Shack.