For You

Mongering

Death is a peculiar thing. It is very sugar coated by storybooks, very... romanticized.

When Severus' mother died, her eyes did not close gracefully. She went limp, but her mouth was slack, her eyes peering out through half-lids.

Death was nothing like he used to read about. It was more undignified than tragic; more shocking than sad.

Severus nonetheless lowered his head to his mother's bed. There was nothing fearsome about a corpse, he realized. It was almost relieving that she wasn't unhappy anymore. She wasn't anyone's prisoner anymore.

Geoffrey placed a comforting hand on Severus' shoulder and reality came crashing back in.

"Come, Severus. There isn't anything you can do now."

Severus stiffened at the touch.

James didn't like the new Lily.

Over the years, he'd become accustomed to her sharp, cut-throat edge, her quick, witty way of speaking. Her sarcasm. The rolling of her eyes.

But now, something was different. She was different. Perhaps it was because he'd listened to Remus and stopped constantly bothering her. Perhaps it was because it was May and everything was warm and sunny. Perhaps she was just happy.

One thing was certain about the new Lily: James didn't like it.

James liked things to be consistent, and in the past he'd found Lily's strong will against his advances comforting. It was sure and strong, and he always knew how things would come out.

Now, Lily had changed. She was happy all the time. Cheery, even. She ignored him brilliantly, and always seemed as if she were floating from place to place, humming, whistling, and smiling to herself.

It unnerved him; James' universe was unbalanced. It's not that Lily was usually unpleasant and terrible, but she was business-like. She laughed, yes, but only when a joke was told, or something was actually funny. Not like now, where she laughed as she spoke.

As a turn, he noticed that Marla was increasingly more sour than usual as well. Marla was usually the sardonic, unpleasant one, but now it was even more so.

This was unsettling, and James no longer liked being around Lily. Yet, he found he was unable to avoid her- he felt a strange allure to her new behaviour, and it was like watching some fascinating specimen or exhibit.

"You might want to think twice before you compare her to an exhibit," Remus advised. "She might find that sexist."

"Bloody feminists and their bloody 'terminology preferences,'" growled Sirius nearby. "We get it- you're people too."

Peter snickered.

"Oh, I wouldn't say that to her. I'm not stupid. I'm not," he insisted to the three dubious faces before him. "Oh, sod off, the lot of you."

Severus was counting the days before he returned home. He was tired of overhearing the constant stream of guests coming through his uncle's home, offering their condolences and then disappearing into Geoffrey's study to discuss secret matters. He held strong against his wish to be with Lily, however, for there were other things on his mind. Frightening things he had been overhearing of late.

"You must be prepared, Geoffrey," one particular visitor had warned him on their way out the door. "The time is nearing, and he will come to you. You must be prepared for whatever he asks of you."

"I will be," Geoffrey had promised before seeing them out the door. "And thank you."

Severus, who'd been standing on the balcony above, had chilled over. He'd forgotten so many of the things discussed over Christmas and in his uncle's subtly scripted letters.

Yet another thing Lily had distracted him from with her naïve charm.

Luckily for him, Geoffrey had gone to special pains to eliminate the known existence of his father, and alter his birth certificates to make him thoroughly pure-blooded. He often spoke in his letters of the specific plans he had in mind for Severus' further career, and the increasing mentioning of the 'uprising' only unnerved Severus more.

However, there were others as informed as he, who had not had the luxury of a distraction from the rumours of the outside. Lately, there had been whisperings of late about an uprising of purebloods- the elimination of weaker persons. Many repelled these whisperings, especially because being half-blood, a common thing, didn't count.

And the murmurings weren't just confined to the Slytherin house either. They had leaked into the other pureblood families of other houses, and were being discussed there as well. A number of the families were refusing to have any part in it, though that wasn't the majority. The problem was, there wasn't any inclination as to who, what, where, or when this uprising was to take place.

Then, the Daily Prophet began mentioning the rumours. At first, they were acknowledged just as rumours, chalking such talk up to rumours started by agitators. But then news began to take place on as much as the first page. News of attacks in dark alleys and disappearances. None of them were proof of an uprising, but they were mysterious just the same.

And yet, some families chose to ignore this.

"My da says it's nothing but rubbish." Two fourth years were talking in hushed voices while walking down the corridors one day. Lily, Marla and Gretchen were on their way to class, and found themselves being slowed by the two boys.

"Don't let anyone else hear you saying that," the boy on the left replied haughtily.

"I don't care. The whole thing is a load of bullocks. Uprising my eye. Even the concept is ridiculous. Purebloods indeed. My godmother is a half-blood, and there isn't anything wrong with her. Her cleaning charms are even better than my ma's."

"You won't be saying that after the uprising. The way my uncle talks, you'd be best to get your godmother a one-way ticket out of London if you know what's best for her. Things are going to get very different very soon."

"So says who?" snorted the first boy.

"Says a lot of people," snarled the second. "People much more powerful than your old da."

"I'll believe it when I see it," the first concluded. "Uprising indeed."

They turned the corner then and disappeared. Lily opened her mouth to speak and was instantly attacked by Gretchen and Marla.

"Shut up," Marla warned as they backed Lily into the nearest loo.

Lily struggled to free herself once they had her backed up against a sink.

"What the-"

"Shh," Gretchen ordered as she checked the stalls. They were empty.

"What was all that?" Lily demanded, incredulous now, especially because she had just been hi-jacked by her friends.

"I'd wondered if you had heard yet," Marla said, leaning against the wall opposite. "Especially with your current absences."

"Well I haven't," Lily replied hotly. "What were they talking about- an uprising?"

"It's the latest rumour," Gretchen replied, crossing her arms uncomfortably.

"Uprising for what?"

"Pureblood," Marla said in a low voice. "Word has it among the pureblood families that there's a wizard who rallies against Muggle-borns and half-bloods. Claims they're unclean and impure."

"It's ridiculous, of course," Gretchen added hastily at the look on Lily's face. "And it's just a rumour."

"A rumour that's spreading pretty fast," Marla said with a frown. "So this wizard- he's apparently looking for recruits to build an army of sorts."

"What?" Lily gaped. "Who is he?"

"That's the thing," Gretchen said nervously. "No one knows. He's a total mystery. That's how no one knows if the rumours are true or not. I mean, there's always been unrest about the Pureblood and otherwise co-existing- within small groups of extremists. But now there's talk of someone who wants to take action."

"Every Pureblood family has heard about it," Marla said. "He selects people specially to help him. But they're incredibly secretive. It's becoming more and more known. I mean, look at you- you're Muggle-born and you've heard about it already. That's how fast it's spreading. So obviously, it's going to be soon because the wizard won't want the opposition to have time to defend themselves-"

"Marla!" Gretchen scolded.

"What do you mean?" Lily asked slowly. "The opposition."

"Muggle-borns, Lily," Marla said. "And half-bloods. Haven't you been listening? He's going to eliminate them."

"What?" Gretchen gasped. "I'd heard he was planning to drive them away. What do you mean eliminate?"

"My father says it's all part of a purifying plan."

Gretchen moved closer to Lily.

"Marla?" Lily said slowly.

Marla looked at Lily concerned.

"You should get out of here, Lil. You and your family. Take a vacation."

"How much have you heard?" Gretchen asked suspiciously.

"Enough to know that anyone who isn't a Pureblood is going to be in a lot of trouble really soon," Marla said in a low voice. "And that includes you, Lil."

Later, Gretchen told Lily not to listen to Marla too much.

"She's been jealous of you and him.," since being included in the Severus secret, Gretchen refused to use his name "Ever since you told her. And you know how much Marla's family pressures her. She needs to get a prospect soon before she graduates. This whole thing coming from her dad is rubbish. There won't be any elimination. My dad works alongside the Minister's first assistant and he hasn't heard any allegations like that."

Lily smiled weakly and nodded at her friend. She inwardly hoped Severus would come back soon. She needed him to be there.

He returned to Hogwarts a few days later. The house elf had left him at the bottom of the lane, and he'd walked up to the castle himself.

He entered the Entrance Hall during breakfast, when everyone was moving between the Great Hall and class. A small bag slung over one shoulder, he kept his head down and made for the Slytherin dormitories.

Severus was usually a prisoner to his own thoughts. He had emotions, despite popular belief. It was true; most times, he wished he didn't feel anything, but Severus was not so special as to escape ordinary human sensations. He did, however, have the ability to hide them. And so that was what he did. It suited his situation, as he rarely had anyone to share them with anyway.

Yes, Severus felt emotion. He knew sadness, anger, happiness. He hid them all, dealt with them on his own, came out fine every time.

But this- this was something else.

He didn't feel anything. It wasn't an absence of emotion really, it was more of a numbness of sorts. He didn't feel hatred for his uncle; he didn't feel relief for leaving the Prince Manor. He didn't feel loss or sadness for his mother- that was the worst part. For the first time in his life, he wished he did, but he didn't. There was nothing there. The visit, aside from the obvious aspects, went well. No pressure or bullying from his uncle beside the insensitivity, nothing.

Severus set his bag down on the floor and lay on his bed. He had an hour before class started. He hadn't done any of the readings or homework, but he didn't have the energy. In fact, that was the only thing he truly felt- exhaustion. He was tired physically and mentally, and in the absence of all other sensation, he embraced this.

Another strange aspect of this was his state of mind: it was terribly clouded. He didn't know one thing from the next; he hardly had a concept of time or place. Worst of all, to be realized much later, he didn't notice that there had been no ceremony for his mother.

He hoped that an ordinary school schedule would set him straight. Would put him back on the path to hiding his feelings rather than wishing he had them.

"Hi," a voice said from behind him later that day in Potions. He knew it was Lily's, but didn't turn around.

"Are you ok?"

He didn't answer.

"I'll talk to you later, ok?"

Class began.

When class ended, Severus followed Lily down the corridor away from the other students and around a corner.

Lily took his hands and gazed, concerned, into his eyes. She put a hand to his face.

"Hi," she said softly.

"She died two days ago."

Lily licked her lips and stared down the corridor, unsure of what to say.

"I'm really sorry."

There was another silence, then Lily stepped back.

"Look, Sev, I want to avoid being one of those annoying people who say the wrong thing at the wrong time even though they just trying to make things better, so I need to ask you: do you need anything from me? If you need anything, I'll give it to you, If you need space, let me know, ok? Because if you don't want me around right now, I need to know."

Severus looked at her with a strange look on his face.

"Thank you- for everything," he said. He took a curl resting on her shoulder between his thumb and his index finger and stared at it for a moment.

"No problem," Lily replied softly. She took the hand near her shoulder and held it, but Severus pulled it away.

"I do need some time for myself. Things are... confusing right now," Lily nodded emphatically, "and you'll just make it worse."

There was another silence.

"I didn't mean it to sound like that... you wouldn't make it worse, you just..."

"I get it," Lily cut him off gently. "It's ok. Just let me know if you need to talk. You're being so brave," she added, gazing at him affectionately. "I really am sorry about everything."

Severus nodded in answer, then dutifully bent down to kiss her. He felt clear about that; that he wanted to kiss her. But he knew that if he let Lily around too much, he wouldn't be able to register what had just happened. She was too distracting. She'd already made him forget about his mother being sick and in trouble; he needed to think about his situation now without her getting in the way and distracting him.

Word was getting around, however. It had reached the Potter family recently, by way of James, who'd had word early from Sirius.

Sirius wasn't taking it well.

"Bloody wankering family of mine," he snarled savagely, hurling a book across the room. The letter he'd just received from his mother lay crumpled at his feet.

Remus bent down and picked it up. Reading it, he shook his head and passed it to James, who took it but didn't read it. He didn't need to.

"Mate, listen, forget them. You can come stay with me this summer, alright? You're nearly of age anyway- a couple of months."

"That's right," Remus added. "Stay with James, finish school."

Sirius didn't reply. He was shaking. "That bitch can't tell me what to do. She's off her rocker if she thinks I'm going to join him. Just because Bellatrix married that idiot Lestrange and now she's right in the inner circle- I'm not- I won't-"

"I know, mate," James soothed. "Listen- write her back. Tell her she can sod off. I'll write my folks. I'll explain that they're trying to take you out of school and make you join It."

Sirius looked up for the first time. "Really?"

"Of course," James replied. "Just say the word."

"Miserable wench," Sirius growled, looking back at the letter.

"Or both words," James joked, heading toward his trunk for his quill and parchment.

Severus had gotten a letter too. It had all the shaky, wanting to throw things features, except without the choice that Sirius had.

...Your mother's will requested... Unnecessary to complete you education... full career and honourable lifestyle ahead of you... immediately. Return home. Your presence here is both required and demanded by your mother's will. I will send a house elf post-haste. Be prepared.

Severus' hands shook violently as he tore it up.

He had to get out- the congestion of everything- the corridors, his mind, even his arteries felt clogged.

Hurrying to the grounds, Severus didn't notice when he hit the shoulder of someone coming around the corner.

"Hey watch it, Snivellus," Black barked, shoving him away violently. "Where're you off to? Joining the terrible 'uprising?' You would," he snarled.

Severus backed away, his mind intent on one thing- reaching fresh air.

But Black wasn't finished. A stream of Gryffindors on their way to dinner from upstairs stopped to watch. Lily was one of them.

"Well? Did you get a letter from Ickle Uncle Geoffrey yet? Off to join my dear cousin?"

"What are you off to do, Black?" Rosier, who had come upon this on his way to dinner. "Run away with your tail between your legs as usual?"

The crowd stirred uneasily. There had been a lot of unrest of late, with all the rumours, increasingly malicious in their content, circulating.

"At least I'm not off to eliminate all the half-bloods, Rosier!" Black replied furiously. "What a career to look forward to! You'll need to get top NEWT's for that!"

"Alright, that's enough!" Professor McGonagall, who'd luckily heard from inside the hall, burst into the Entrance Hall to break up the crowd. Her job lately was to retain the calm of the corridors, but it was getting worse with every Daily Prophet that came in.

The crowd dispersed quickly, and hardly anyone noticed when Severus Snape slipped out the doors. Except Lily. She pushed her way to the front of the crowd, but by the time she got there, he'd already gone.

Need for space be damned, she decided, they needed to talk.

She found him sitting underneath a tree by the lake, consumed by his own thoughts. She came up behind him and sat down, drawing her knees up to her chest and resting her chin on her arms.

"Hey, I know we agreed not to talk for awhile, but... things are getting weird."

"You heard then?" Severus' voice was dry and bitter, and he didn't look in her eyes.

"About what? Everything? The uprising? Yes. And people are getting scared, Severus. I'm scared."

"Don't be," Severus assured her gruffly. "Nothing will be happening for a while."

"What do you mean? How much do you know?"

"Enough to know that my mother's will was sabotaged."

"What?"

"I'm leaving tomorrow."

"Again?"

"I won't be coming back this time."

Lily's heart felt like it had stopped.

"What?"

"I've received the letter. The one I've told you about- the one ordering me home."

Lily felt a chill.

"Your uncle?"

"Apparently, my mother's will stated that I was to cut short my education and join the ranks of He Who Must Not Be Named."

"Is that what they're calling him now?"

"It's the only name I know of."

They were silent for a moment while Lily digested this. The analytical part of her mind saw this becoming something that forced children to grow up very fast. She already felt like she'd aged years.

"You don't have to go," Lily began suddenly, but was cut off by a derisive snort from Severus.

"Don't start all that again, I don't think I could stand it." He got up and picked up a nearby stone, throwing it into the water.

"What?" Lily said, rising to stand beside him. "You don't. You can stay here. You need to make choices for you, Sev, not other people. Especially not him."

"And what choices do I have?" Severus demanded, still not looking at her. "It isn't like I'll have any place to go once this war starts."

"War?"

"Yes! War! Surely you aren't that naïve. It isn't an uprising any longer. There's a war brewing, and you're not on the winning side. Only a chosen few will live through this. I'm one of those people, or at least my uncle says I am. I have no choice but to-"

"Join all the others?" Lily finished for him, staring up at him, willing him to turn to look at her. "Is that what you want? To be evil? To kill people? Marla's told me all about the bad families, Severus. The Blacks, the Malfoys, Lestranges. They're bad people, Severus. Do you want to be like them?"

Her voice broke at that, imagining Severus becoming just like Malfoy, heartless and cold and only happy when someone else was suffering.

"I don't have a choice."

"Yes you do! Whose life are you living? You can stay here! Just talk to Dumbledore-"

"And what," Severus asked incredulously, finally turning to her, "become a professor? I don't think you understand- I really have no choice. They'll kill me. My uncle will have. Me. Killed."

"But if you stay here, Professor Dumbledore can protect you. Just stay here-"

"What am I going to do here?" Severus spat. "What is here that I should stay for?"

He regretted it before he finished saying it, and paused, unable to look at her.

He closed his eyes as Lily said in a quiet voice, "Me?"

"Oh, right, and we can live out our days together on the grounds of Hogwarts, skipping and laughing and ignoring the rest of the world- Lily, sooner or later we're going to have to face what's out there. The reality of this has to be acknowledged. You know that."

But Lily was quiet now. She was staring hard at his back, biting her bottom lip.

"Severus, I don't mean to sound pathetic and sad, but I need to know... do- do you love me?"

Severus, who'd begun to walk away, stopped dead. He turned to look at her and took in an instant the tears forming in her eyes, her quivering lip.

"What kind of question is that?" he asked, avoiding her gaze.

"It's a simple one," Lily replied with a cold, quivering voice. "I love you. Do you love me? Your mom passed away and you needed some time to yourself. I get that. But the way you're looking at me right now- do you even want to be with me at all?"

He thought before speaking this time.

"That's not the- Lily, I-" he paused, then tried again, reaching out to touch her shoulder. "I can't."

Lily flinched at his touch and stepped backward. "You can't what?"

"I can't... feel that way toward-"

"Love? Are you trying to tell me you can't love? That's ridiculous. You can't say you love me?"

"I just... That word... It... It doesn't mean I don't feel... It's just... that word-"

"So you can't say it then," Lily challenged. "Can you feel it, at least?"

She took a step toward him. "Blink if you feel it. Blink if you love me."

Severus looked away. "I don't know what you think you're going to solve with this."

"I'm just trying to get some answers here, Sev. There's all this crazy shit going on, and I don't know what's happening, and it all started happening after you left, and all of a sudden, we're out here having this conversation. I need something to hold on to. So tell me- are you planning to leave? Are you planning to go away and leave your friends- and apparently me- to their deaths? Do you feel anything for me? Did you ever feel anything for me at all?"

Severus didn't know what to say. Lily was coming closer, getting more and more upset, willing him to answer her.

"I just... No, it's only... Er... If you just... That word-"

He was cut off by a scream of frustration.

"Oh, just say it! Go on and say it! Love! It's a real word, Severus! It's a real feeling too! And I know that somewhere inside of you there's a bit that can feel it and it's just screaming to be let out. So let it out!" she screamed at him, pushing him away. "Let it out, for god's sake, or you'll never feel anything." She clamped a hand over her mouth to stop the frustrated sob, but didn't turn away for fear he would leave.

"You're leaving. You said that the people who aren't chosen are all going to die. You said those words to me, Severus. You think I'm going to die, and you're leaving. You are leaving me. Is that right? Do I understand correctly? You only care about getting away. Is that an accurate way of describing this relationship, Sev? You only care about yourself? That must really say a lot about everything we've been through. Here I thought we were on the same page." Lily steeled herself despite the surging tears pooling at her chin. Everything at that moment was so frightening, so unclear.

But Severus remained stony despite Lily's deteriorating appearance.

"I always cared about you. You know that," he said steadily, though with no warmth. "But there are other things I have to consider. More important things than romance."

Lily choked on a sob as she laughed.

"Oh, right, like your own life-"

"Yes, my own life!" Severus shouted. "Of course my own life! I have everything to gain from this. You can't say that you wouldn't join if you had the chance."

Lily wasn't laughing now. Her throat hurt, her eyes stung. She forgot to breath and choked.

"N-no, I wouldn't leave," she cried, staggered. "Not if it meant leaving you. Not if I thought you were in danger."

Severus clenched his fists.

"Then you are a fool."

Lily sagged forward, grabbing the branch of the tree to steady her. Her hand still tight over her mouth, she squeezed her eyes shut and remained like that for a moment before removing her hand and straightening up.

"What happened to you when you went home?" she asked in the steadiest voice she could. "What did they do to you?"

Severus shook his head.

"I'm sorry," Severus muttered. "This wasn't how it was supposed to be." He began walking away then, back toward the castle.

But Lily wasn't done. She went after him, grabbing his sleeve. "No! This isn't you. I know you! What happened? Severus!"

He shook her off and turned back to her, his eyes wild.

"My mother died, that's what happened!" he barked. "My sick mother died because she didn't listen to what her family wanted her to do. She ran away, went off and married someone her family hated and now she's dead! And he's dead too, because that's not what was supposed to happen. If she'd just listened to her parents- and now, they're both dead. Well," he paused, grabbing Lily by the shoulders. She struggled in surprise but he shook her to steady her. "Well, that isn't going to happen to me. Not with you. You're not going to be the reason I die."

He let go of her then and turned, hurrying back to the castle with a steady walk.

Lily watched him go, mouth open in shock, and felt a snapping feeling, as if a tie had just been broken. Lily closed her mouth and backed away toward the lake, not knowing what to think, swallowing the aching feeling that had risen in her chest and was threatening to break loose at any moment,

Severus reached the castle and turned around to look at her, his jaw twitching and his eyes blazing. He felt like his entire body had Disapparated- he couldn't feel, and it was worse than before. At least before this, he had been able to come to a solid conclusion:

He did love her. Oh, Merlin, he loved her more than he had ever loved anyone or anything. But he couldn't let himself have her. He knew that. He could tell the difference between silly, young love and real life. He'd seen it firsthand with his parents. Times were about to get very hard. He knew that. He knew that if he allowed himself to have her, they would end up dead. Or she'd leave him. Severus blinked hard, furiously blocking out the stream of guilt and pain and regret... he'd rather lose her now than make her unhappy- than watch her die at his own hands. He'd decided that long ago.