For You

Feel Sad

Remus didn't date. He truly didn't see the point. Secrets and lies, secrets and lies. That's all he could foresee in any relationship he would have. It had been the same way with his friends, and though they'd found out, he'd been extremely lucky. He wasn't sure he could go through the same façade again. So, Remus didn't date.

Sirius did; he dated quite a lot, mostly because he could and because he had nothing to hide. He was good looking, so he never had to woo a girl like everyone else, and he was rich and rebellious, so he was bold and straightforward and girls tended to like that.

Peter didn't date much either, though he had had one or two plump, giggly awkward girls pretend to like him to get closer to Sirius. He tended to get very nervous around girls anyway, and wasn't adverse to running in the opposite direction whenever they came round. All in all, Peter didn't date much.

James had dated, though he didn't anymore. He'd had a few dates in his time, but he was more of a romantic, and he had only ever really wanted one girl.

And now that girl is secretly sleeping with his worst enemy, Remus mused grimly to himself as he lay in bed a few hours after walking in on Lily and Snape, staring at the top of his canopy. He didn't usually have much to laugh about, what with being a werewolf and all, but even Remus couldn't miss the irony in the situation. Still, he was at a loss as to how to break the news to his friend. Surely, James would be crushed, but there wasn't a doubt in Remus' mind that he and Sirius would take it out on Snape, who certainly hadn't done anything wrong, no matter how one swung it. Remus had never approved of their rivalry with Snape, which was so unbalanced and unfair much of the time, and he knew very well that to be discovered meant certain torture for the lower hand.

Lily woke early the next morning and tumbled into a pair of robes before stumbling into the common room, which was deserted, as it was Saturday. There she waited for Remus, rehearsing what she was going to say.

She would ask him not to tell anyone- no, beg him not to tell anyone, and would explain what he had walked into as best she could.

Remus, who obviously had a lot to think about, rose a good hour later than Lily, but luckily, the common room was still deserted.

Lily jumped to her feet when he came into the room, and he took a step back.

"Oh, morning," Remus said, turning a shade of red. The last time he'd seen Lily she'd been wrapped in nothing but a maroon blanket.

"Hi," Lily said, twisting her fingers.

"We should talk," Lily said, though it was mixed up with Remus' "About last night..."

They both grinned nervously.

Lily sat down. "Can I go first? I've been rehearsing for an hour."

Remus sat down as well and nodded. "I suppose that's fair."

Lily took a deep breath. "Well, first off, I'm so incredibly sorry you had to see what you saw last night. Honestly, I didn't think anyone knew about that tunnel, I-"

"Ok, now it's my turn," Remus cut in. "You clearly didn't practice enough. I know you think I'm going to tell James, and you're going to ask me not to."

Lily bit her lip and nodded.

"But he's one of my best friends, and I really should-"

"Oh, but Remus you can't!" Lily begged, standing up again. Remus gestured for her to wait a moment.

"I really should, but I won't."

Lily stared at him.

"James doesn't need to know I saw, because it's none of my business and it's none of his business. He also doesn't need to get hurt, and neither does Snape."

Lily nodded earnestly. "Thanks so much, Remus."

"However," Remus continued, "I think you should at least give James an inch, because he's trying really, really hard to make you stop hating him."

Lily hesitated, but nodded. "As little as I want to acknowledge the fact that you're right, I know what you mean."

"And one more thing," Remus said, grinning thoughtfully.

"And what's that?" Lily asked, though she already knew what the question was.

"Severus Snape? How did that happen?" Remus grinned in spite of himself.

Lily blushed, but her bright green eyes sparkled. "I don't know, really. It just sort of... did."

Remus surveyed her critically.

"What?" Lily asked when she caught the look on his face.

"Nothing," Remus said, catching himself.

Lily frowned at him, but then grinned again. "Thanks so much, Remus. Honestly, if anyone were to catch us, I would want it to be you."

"Speak for yourself," Remus grinned, getting to his feet. "This is going to take me years of therapy."

Lily patted him on the shoulder. "Well, for me, it was worth it."

She left then, off to an early breakfast and then to meet Severus in the library.

Remus watched her go, then considered thoughtfully what he had just seen. It had been hidden well at first, and he hadn't given it a serious thought. But then it had become so apparent so suddenly.

Lily loved him. It wasn't the casual thing that Remus had assumed it to be, like Sirius' girlfriends. It was real. At least, he thought grimly to himself, for Lily it is.

Lily had only just stepped into the library when she ran into Severus stepping out of it. She crashed right into him, but didn't notice the crumpled bit of parchment fall from his hand.

They collided, Lily yelping in surprise. Severus instinctively grabbed her by the shoulders and steered her around a nearby corner into a deserted corridor.

Lily backed against the wall and grinned at him, tilting her head up automatically.

"Hi," she said, somewhat breathlessly. Then she really looked at his face and stopped smiling.

"What is it?" Her face became concerned and she slid her hands up his arms. Severus looked ashen, his thin face grey and sunken. He looked tired.

"I- I talked to Remus," Lily said, wrongly assuming that he was worried about everyone finding out about them. "He's not going to tell anyone."

Severus shook his head and looked around uneasily, as if he couldn't straighten out the thoughts in his mind.

"I..." he struggled with what he was trying to say, but couldn't seem to spit it out. He closed his eyes in frustration.

While waiting for Lily to arrive in the library, Severus had decided to open a letter he'd just received that morning from his uncle. It was always the same, with snide references toward his mother's health, and with subtle hints toward his future as a servant to the emerging lord of dark magic, whose name his uncle dared not speak.

But this time it had been different.

...Your mother... gravely ill...requests you cut your education at Hogwarts short... return home to her... Your duty, Severus, to support your mother as her son... sending a house elf to collect you from school tomorrow morning...At home as long as it takes... no telling the length of your mother's illness... Surely die, Severus... Must be there to see her through to the end of her misery...

The letter had gone on for three more inches of parchment, repeating the same message over and over again: his mother was dying, and it was his responsibility to be there fore her. Severus was so filled with rage and misery at the situation and the insensitivity shown by his uncle. Furthermore, he didn't know what he was going to say to her. Looking down at her face, so beautiful, so concerned, he realized he had managed to forget his mother's situation with a single glance from this girl for nearly weeks. And now it was all coming back. The lies, the manipulation, the hate. Severus wouldn't be surprised if his mother wasn't dying at all, and if she was, Geoffrey was killing her.

He couldn't even look at her to tell her. It was a state of vulnerability he didn't think he was capable of.

"Severus." Her fingers dug into his arms, bringing him back to her. "What's wrong?"

He looked down at her, into her eyes this time, summoning all the strength he had to look into her green eyes, the ones that seemed to bore into him so often, the ones that seemed to always know what he was thinking. Her magic eyes, the ones that had bewitched him.

"I'm leaving," he said quietly, holding her gaze, his chest feeling as if someone were standing on it.

He watched as her eyes grew round, confused.

"What?"

"I'm leaving," he repeated in the same tone.

Lily frowned. "What do you mean? Leaving... me?"

"Leaving you, leaving here, leaving Hogwarts," Severus answered, finding it hard to maintain calm with her looking at him like that.

"But... why?" Lily got that look on her face, the panicked look that showed what he was feeling. He realized all this had been very sudden, more so for her than for him.

"My-" he went to say it but the words stuck in his throat. He swallowed and tried again. "My mother is... she's dying. I'm needed at home."

Lily face reflected sympathy, but he also saw a look of relief. He realized then that she thought he'd be coming back.

"I'm so sorry." She reached up to touch his face, trying to comfort him, but he refused to look at her.

Lily started to cry, quietly, indiscreetly. It occurred to Severus he had never seen her upset like that, even though it was at his expense, and he felt his chest get heavier. It was difficult to watch. He placed his hand along her jaw bone, his fingers in her hair, his thumb in front of her ear.

"Don't," he said softly, gazing at her.

"I'm sorry." She breathed through small sobs. "I know this is about you, not me, but-."

"Stop it," he said, frowning slightly. "Please. You're right. This is about me. Me and my mother. I'm going to go see her, and wait until she dies, and come back."

"It's ok to feel sad about this," Lily insisted, wiping her eyes. "You should feel sad."

"I do," he defended himself, "but I don't... cry."

Lily put her hands supportively on his shoulders. "That's ok. I'll cry for you."

Severus held his breath, thinking and considering what she had just said. Both his hands were holding her face, and he pulled her to him, touching her hair. He closed his eyes and thought about what was about to happen.

He realized he couldn't do it alone.

"Thank you."

The next morning came quickly, and sure enough a house elf arrived at the castle looking to take Severus back to his uncle's. Severus had arranged with his head of house to miss a few weeks due to extenuating circumstances, and had packed ahead of time.

Severus and Lily had spent the entire night, from sunset to near sunrise in the Shrieking Shack, talking some, sleeping little and staring into the fire. Severus thought his chest might burst from having her look at him with such concern. It didn't take him much to realize the looks she was giving him weren't those of pity.

They decided to say goodbye in the shack, as they wouldn't be able to say goodbye in the front hall. Lily said she would wait awhile after he left to avoid suspicion, as it was during the day.

At the door to the tunnel, at nearly five in the morning, Severus assumed his usual position: chin in Lily's hair, arms wrapped tightly around her shoulders, looking straight ahead. Lily rested her head against his chest and breathed slowly.

"I'm fine," Severus assured her.

"Don't be," she cut him off. "It's ok to be not fine."

They didn't speak for a moment. Then-

"Severus?" her voice was muffled by his robes.

"Yes?" Severus looked down at her, though her face remained hidden in his chest.

She hesitated, then looked up at him.

"I love you."

Severus closed his eyes. He rested hischin in her hair but did not reply. That seemed to be alright, because Lily kissed him then and backed away.

"Ok," she said, blinking back tears. "You need to go before they look for you. Write me if you get the chance, ok?"

Severus nodded and allowed her a small, appreciative smile before turning and leaving.

Lily watched the door close and sighed, but didn't even have time to do anything before it opened again and Severus burst through, took her shoulders and kissed her again. Lily leaned back, because his kiss was strong. He enveloped her, saying to her all the things he couldn't bring himself to say in this kiss.

Lily suddenly felt like she had helped him, just because of the kiss. It meant more than any words; it was an indicator to her that he had heard her comforting words and intended to use them. Lily smiled as he kissed her.

He let go of her then, and looked meaningfully at her once more before turning and leaving, shutting the door firmly behind him.

As Severus discovered upon returning 'home,' his mother was indeed ill. Whether it was because of Geoffrey or not was yet to be determined.

Severus had left his luggage with the house elf and headed straight to his mother's room, only to be stopped by his aunt, who was leaving it.

"Oh, Severus dear," she said, a small, unreadable smile on her face. "So good to see you here. Your uncle is inside."

Severus nodded and opened the door to his mother's room. It was exactly how he'd pictured it: his mother in bed, being tended to by a Mediwitch, with his uncle bending low over her with a tragic look on his face.

Severus contained the grimace he wanted so badly to make, and stepped inside.

"Severus." His uncle rose from his chair and greeted his nephew with open arms. "I'm so glad you're here."

"Of course I'm here," Severus replied. It occurred to him that Lily's forward mannerisms may have influenced him, because he was no longer afraid of his uncle, he merely hated him. He mentally advised himself to be careful of what he said.

"Er- how is she?" Severus asked, covering his previous tone with an anxious one.

"Not well, I'm afraid," Geoffrey replied gravely. "She's suffering from dementia worse than usual, and she isn't eating."

Severus took in a deep breath and looked toward his mother. She looked so small, pressed into the many pillows and blankets surrounding her. He stepped to her bedside, the Mediwitch moving out of the way.

"Mother?"

She didn't look good; her eyes were sunken, her mouth half open. Severus' subtle, resentful face fell.

"Mother?"

She didn't seem to see him. Her eyes had the same glassy, far-away look they'd had when he'd last seen her, but this time their edges were red and watery.

"She hasn't been responding well," Geoffrey stated matter-of-factly. Severus wanted dearly to tell him to sod off.

Instead, he sat beside his mother and stared at her.

"Well, we'll leave you alone for now," his uncle informed him, nodding curtly at the Mediwitch, who followed him from the room. "I'll be in the parlour, Severus."

Severus watched them go, then looked back at his mother. She lay docileand glassy-eyed, and he had to wonder if she was aware of anything going on around her. Pushing thoughts of what his uncle had done to her to the back of his mind, Severus eyed her left hand, which was resting inches away from his.

Hesitating, unsure, Severus slid his hand slowly across the bedspread, and touched her with his fingertips. It occurred to him how strange it was to touch his mother like that; it had been so long.

"Mother?" Severus felt a painful squeezing in his diaphragm, a difficulty breathing.

Eileen didn't answer for hours. Severus didn't mind. He sat dutifully at her side, hardly noticing when a house elf brought his dinner. He was grateful to his uncle for not oppressing him and allowing him to be alone.

It was past midnight when Eileen awoke from her spell. Severus had risen with a desperate urge to use the washroom. He returned quietly shutting the door, and sat down again at her side. It was then that Eileen decided to turn her head, shift her eyes to see her son.

"Severus," she managed, the word coming out raspy and course.

He let his breath out in a whoosh of surprise and relief. He sat up straight, feeling as if he himself had been broken out of a trance.

"Are you ok? What do you want? Do you want anything?"

Eileen seemed conscious, despite her weakness. She shook her head and made a slow, shaky gesture for him to let her speak. But Severus didn't know how much longer he'd have her there with him.

"Wait, what's Uncle Geoffrey done to you? Mum? Is it a spell? A memory charm? Do you remember anything?"

"I'm sick Severus," his mother whimpered. "He's a good man, your uncle. He's taking care of me. You must mind him."

This was broken off by a pathetic coughing fit. Severus felt his hand unconsciously grip hers, and he sat up straighter.

"No, he did something-"

"Enough, Severus. I don't want to talk about him." Eileen caught her breath. "How is school?"

Severus felt the pinch in his diaphragm again.

The days went by slowly, Severus alternating between sleep, food, time with his uncle and time with his mother. His mother went in and out, sometimes coming to him as the woman he remembered, and they would speak, sometimes laying there, trance-like, unmoving and unseeing.

Though he relished the time spent with his coherent mother, the only time Severus could truly find piece of mind was during sleep, in the quiet of his bedroom. It was an uncomfortable room, with a small fireplace and a thin, stiff bed, but it was his own place, and it was very quiet.

That was why, when he was disturbed from his sleep one morning, early, by an incessant tapping on his high window, Severus tried his best to ignore it. Rolling over with an impatient expelling of air, Severus tugged his thin quilt over his head and squeezed his eyes shut. It was too early to start another sluggish, painful day.

The tapping continued, however, not convinced that the person behind the window was absent. Finally, Severus sat up, wrapped his quilt around his bare shoulders and trudged to the window.

The tapping was an owl. Somewhere in the nether regions of his mind he had known that.

After closer scrutiny he realized it was Lily's owl, Ringo. He took the letter from the ordinary brown owl and stepped aside to let it in, but Ringo seemed to have other plans, and simply turned and took off again. Severus watched him fly, and remembered when he had first met Ringo.

Lily had asked if they could meet in the freezing cold Owlery, as she had to mail a birthday card to her sister.

"Why did I let you talk me into this?" Severus' teeth had chattered as he'd met her at the top tower, shivering in his cloak. Lily had looked rather pretty in the frozen air, the moon casting its white light onto her black wool hat and red hair.

"Because I asked so nicely," Lily replied simply, rubbing her mitts together for warmth. "This'll only take a second."

She had reached up toward a perch and beckoned down a small, brown and white speckled owl.

"Oh, have you met Ringo?" she'd asked, extending her arm, laden with bird, toward Severus.

"Rather small and ordinary, don't you think?"
Ringo had snapped its beak at him then, looking indignant.

"Hey, don't diss Ringo," Lily warned. "He may look small and ordinary, but his beak is just as sharp as the big, impressive owls."

"My mistake," Severus had managed through chattering teeth.

Lily had tied the letter to the owl's foot, then watched as he'd disappeared toward her home before turning to face Severus.

Despite the cold, it was really very hard for him not to notice how her skin had looked in the white moonlight.

"Wow, you really are cold, aren't you?" she'd asked, slipping her mittened hands under his cloak and up to his face.

He had taken his cloak then and pulled her to him, wrapping it around her as well.

Severus opened the letter Ringo had left him.

Severus,

Hi, I hope this letter reaches you directly. I was afraid to send this to you at first, but decided I couldn't not give you a little reminder of your real home. I was just sitting in the library, thinking about you and hoping you're ok. I don't know what you're going through right now, and I can only imagine it's terrible, but just know that that doesn't mean I don't care.

I'm taking all your notes in the classes we have together.

I miss you.

Lily

Severus sighed and set the letter down. Dressing, he shoved it into his robes pocket and headed downstairs for breakfast.

When he entered the dining room, the table had the appearance of previously occupied and hastily abandoned.

Severus entered it slowly, but didn't have time to sit down before he was grabbed from behind.

He swung around, ready to fight his attacker, but stopped when he saw his aunt.

"Severus, you must come quickly," she said, her throat strict.

"What's happened?" he asked hurriedly.

"It's your mother," she replied, tugging him along the corridors.

When they entered his mother's room it was to the sight of Geoffrey bent low over his sister, clasping her hands together as if in prayer, hiding his face from view.

Severus felt as if a fist was clutching his diaphragm, and there was a pop somewhere behind his ears.

"Get away from her!" Severus snarled, lunging at the bed. Geoffrey jumped up and grabbed him before he could attack and clutched him to his chest.

"It's alright nephew," Geoffrey said in a hushed voice. "Let it out."

"What'd you do to her?"

"She doesn't have much time," his uncle informed him, "a half hour at the most. I'll let you alone to have a word."

Letting go of him, Geoffrey took his wife's arm and they exited the room. Severus hurried to his mother's side.

She wasn't with him however, and merely lay there, staring at the bed's canopy. Severus took her hand as he was now accustomed to doing, and waited. He sat in silence, trying to comprehend what was about to happen and what he could do about it. The best conclusion he came to was nothing.

Eventually, after a half hour passed, his mother was still alive, and he took out his letter. Rereading it did not make him feel better, but it did remind him of happier times.

"Who is that from?" his mother asked suddenly from beside him.

"Mother?" Severus sat toward her. "How do you feel?"

"Who wrote you that letter?" Eileen asked.

"A friend," Severus replied.

Eileen smiled vaguely.

"I'm glad you have friends, Severus.... I had friends when I was in school. Your father used to be my friend."

She looked at him then, sadness in her eyes.

"I miss it Severus."

Severus struggled against the gripping fist in his throat.

"I'm sorry."

"I miss it all. Bad choices, bad choices I made. I wish happy."

Severus looked away. He called out to his uncle, who seemed to have been waiting outside the door.

She was slipping away quickly.

"What's happening?" Geoffrey demanded.

"I don't- I," Severus watched his mother desperately.

"Don't make bad choices, Severus," his mother said quietly, reaching out to touch his face.

"Mother, don't," he begged. Geoffrey reached her bedside and stood behind them.

Eileen smiled vaguely at him, then seemed to gaze through him.

"Where is he? Where's my Tobias?" she asked. "He was my bad choice, he was such a bad..."

Severus' eyes widened as hers seemed to close.

"Mother," he said, more of a statement than a question.