For You

Conspiracy and Conversation

James Potter wasn't necessarily what you would call a ladies' man. Sure, he was considered the 'height of cool' among the younger years; he was funny and quick and brilliant, if he did say so himself, but even he knew that when it came to girls, he was nothing compared to Sirius.

Normally, just being popular was enough to get James a date to Hogsmeade, or a simple snog on a drunken night. Normally, being funny and quick and brilliant was enough to grab the heart of a Hufflepuff or two, but normally, desperate crushes and fan clubs were Sirius' forte. Normally, that didn't matter to James. Normally, James wasn't that interested in girls. Normally, they were giggly, stupid, and only wanted one thing.

But Lily Evans wasn't normal. There was nothing normal about her, or James' feelings for her. James had always liked her. Evans had never liked him. James always had something to say to her; Evans never spoke to him unless it was to insult him. James was always glad to see her, no matter what, and Evans was never around if she could help it.

All this made James crazy. Everything about her gave him a desperate, hot and sickly feeling in his throat, chest and stomach every time he saw her. A lot of things about her gave him desperate and hot feelings in a lot of other places too.

He'd tried everything: ignoring her, teasing her, relentlessly asking her out on dates, everything!

"Well, not everything," Remus replied when James complained of this. "Now correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think you've ever actually been nice to her."

"What are you on about?" James protested, "I ask her out all the time!"

"Yes, but have you tried complimenting her?" Remus asked with a bemused smile.

And so that was the start of James Potter's new gimmick for landing Lily Evans.

"Charm is a product of the unexpected," Gretchen read aloud, flipping through her new novelty prose book.

Lily grinned. "That's a nice one," she said, reaching across for it. "Where do you get these things?"

"My grandma sends them- she's a muggle. She thinks they're sweet." Gretchen poured herself another glass of orange juice.

"They're redundant," Marla muttered grumpily into the table, her head in her arms.

"What's up with you?" Gretchen asked indignantly.

"I got woken up at three thirty last night by some hussy sneaking back into bed. She knocked all the bottles off the table right beside my bed and they smashed on the floor. Lily?"

Lily jumped, flushing a bright pink.

"Er- yes?"

"Did you hear it? It was right near your bed too."

"Oh- um, no- I slept straight through last night."

"Don't get me wrong, I mean, I understand the kicks of firewhisky and a late night snog more than anybody-"

"That's for sure," Gretchen muttered into her orange juice.

"- But honestly, is it necessary to get so smashed that you can't even be quiet when you come back in?"

"Well, maybe you shouldn't leave your empties on your bedside table!" Gretchen suggested.

"Still- Lil, I don't know how you slept through it, you sleep right beside me!"

"Silencing charm," Lily said simply. "You should try it.

Marla sank her head back down to the table with a groan and Gretchen laughed, opening the Daily Prophet. "No one's like that in Ravenclaw. Or at least, they're sneakier about it."

Across the Great Hall, a pair of dark eyes met with a pair or bright green ones.

Lily blinked and looked away, but grinned as she stuffed a spoonful of porridge into her mouth.

"You look nice today," Potter said, catching up next to Lily later that week.

"What?" Lily turned, startled, but didn't stop walking. "Do you need something?"

"Is that new lip gloss, or lipstick, or whatever you girls wear these days? Because you look really-"

"What are you doing?" Lily asked distractedly, rummaging around in her bag as she walked.

"What?"

"What are you doing? Why are you here?" Lily really didn't have time for this today. She'd slept in- another late night- and had been running late ever since.

"Go out with me?" Potter asked, catching the book she dropped before it hit the ground. Lily stopped moving.

There was a stunned silence.

"Are you kidding?" Lily gaped at him. Potter grinned, feeling it was the safest thing to do.

The silence lasted a few more minutes, and then Lily grinned as well.

"You are kidding. Ok. That's good." Lily took the book from him and started walking again. "That was good! I'm glad we can joke now." She laughed aloud before turning away for good.

Potter decided it was best not to follow her. Instead, it was his turn to gape, and he did while Lily hurried away, having already forgotten what had just happened.

Severus was greeted at breakfast on Thursday morning with an owl from his uncle. He took the letter from its leg, but rather than reading it there in front of everyone, he slipped it into his robes for later.

Across the hall, a group of Gryffindors entered the Great Hall, most of them girls. Severus looked as long as he could manage without receiving stares from his peers, but there wasn't a redheaded one in the bunch.

Slightly disappointed, Severus returned to his toast.

"Lily Evans, get out of bed!" Marla ripped Lily's bed curtains wide open, revealing the dazzling morning light.

Lily grimaced and pulled her blankets up over her head.

"Oh, no you don't!" Marla said, yanking them down. "Get up! I'm not going to be partnered with Jonathon Green for Herbology two days in a row. Up, up, up!"

Lily sighed and rolled out of bed, sneaking a glance at her discarded watch. Yes, she was currently running on four hours of sleep. Brilliant.

After pulling on a set of slightly wrinkled robes, Lily allowed Marla to march her downstairs for breakfast, and even responded vaguely to her random chattering.

She entered the Great Hall, irritated by the noise and crowd. This irritation instantly dissolved, however, when she met the dark and evidently amused eyes of a Slytherin from across the room. Eyes that said: Up late again? You should really set yourself a curfew. You're becoming terribly irresponsible.

Lily grinned when she saw this look. She gulped the coffee Gretchen handed her when they sat down, and felt relatively normal. She'd been drifting in what had begun to seem like a cloud of unnameable contentment for the past few days, getting increasingly unresponsive and docile with every hour of sleep lost.

Marla and Gretchen had noticed too, but didn't say anything.

"Not yet," Gretchen had told Marla, who'd confessed to her that she knew it was Lily who'd come back late nearly every night that week, and wanted to confront her about it. "Give her a few days and see if she tells us first."

So they waited. Friday came and went, and then Saturday. Finally, Saturday afternoon brought an impromptu study-session at the library, and they cornered Lily amongst the stacks.

"Who is he?" Marla demanded, their eyes alight with a hungry gleam.

"What?" Lily said distantly. "Who is who?"

"Don't, Lil- Gretchen and I know you've been out every night this past week, I saw you. So who're you meeting every night until three?" Lily looked up, now paying full attention. "And don't tell me you're studying because as sad as that is, I would believe you and then we couldn't be friends anymore."

Lily's mind started racing. Actually telling them the truth was out of the question. The studying option, as stupid excuse as it was, was out as well now.

"I- er," she started. She had to stall with something.

"How long have you known?" Lily asked, beginning to develop a terrible and yet strangely believable lie.

"Since Wednesday," Marla said. "I stayed up to catch the girl who keeps coming in late and saw you sneak into bed just before four! Which leads me to the questions: where were you, what were you doing, and who was it with?"

Lily forced a guilty grin.

"Er- ok, you caught me girls. I was out with a boy in the village. You don't know him- he works at Honeydukes. We go to the Hogs Head to-"

"Lily!" Gretchen gasped, looking delightfully scandalized.

"No, no, nothing like that," Lily assured them, her brain working frantically. "We have a few drinks and laugh, and kiss sometimes. It's all incredibly juvenile, but it's fun all the same."

"How long has this been going on?"

Lily shrugged. "Since last Hogsmeade visit, last Saturday. He handed me a lollipop that looked like a rose and asked me to meet him in a few nights. How could I say no?"

She despised the sickening girlish voice she was forcing herself to use, but ploughed on.

"I just Apparate from the girl's bathroom- you know, so no one hears the pop- to the Hog's Head and meet him there. It's exhausting though, I tell you. You get to drinking and the time flies by!"

Marla shook her head. "You have to show him to me next time. I don't remember a Honeydukes boy. And I never pegged you for a drinker, Lily Evans!"

Lily shrugged guiltily. "Me either," she smiled.

Declaring it was best to go upstairs and catch a nap, as she was exhausted, and promising to give them the details later, Lily headed back to the Gryffindor Tower by herself. As Lily walked away from that, she couldn't help but feel strange at the distance that had passed between her and her friends- especially Marla- since Severus. It just seemed that she thought more about him and spent more and more time sneaking off to meet him than anything lately. She had hated lying to Marla as well, even though she knew that Marla would never care to ask if it was possible to Apparate from inside of Hogwarts (she and Gretchen had always refused point-blank to read Hogwarts, A History). Even though she was totally lost in her own thoughts, for some reason, most likely due to the recent events, Lily wasn't surprised when an arm reached out from around a corner and pulled her from the corridor.

Lily broke out into a smile and all thoughts of distance and dishonesty fled her mind.

"Hi," Severus' insides squirmed at the sight of her beaming up at him.

"Hi," Lily was sickeningly breathless. She felt flustered and brilliant at the same time. If it didn't feel so good, Lily would have cursed her cliché persona and died from the shame of it.

"You look nice today," he said in his low, quiet voice. Lily smiled more, shyly.

"No, I'm exhausted, thanks to you," Lily retorted.

"I'm sorry. If you're too tired, I'll just stay in tonight." Severus tucked a stray bit of hair behind her ear.

"Don't you dare," Lily grinned, grabbing the hand hovering below her lobe. She kissed him swiftly, on her toes, laughing aloud when he took hold of her elbows and kissed her back.

"Same time tonight?" he asked, his eyes sweeping over her.

"Yeah," Lily whispered, relishing the feeling of her head filled with hot air.

"I have to go," he said, releasing her arms and checking his watch.

"So go then."

They stared at each other for a moment, then Lily shook her head out of sheer perplexity and disappeared around the corner, smiling.

"You've got to be kidding me," a groggy voice from the bed beside hers stopped Lily in her tracks at 12:34am.

Lily half shrugged with an apologetic smirk, taking her cloak off the hook.

"Lil, you're going to make yourself sick," Marla reasoned, pulling her bed curtain aside and sitting up.

"Sorry I woke you," Lily whispered.

Marla sat up. "You're didn't," she smirked in the darkness.

"I knew it!" Lily whispered, hoping not to wake the others. "You stayed up. Nice try though- I felt guilty for a second."

"Well you should," Marla said, her hands on her hips, "going off every single night to a bar to meet a boy! It's like your second personality or something. Prefect by day, bar whore by night."

Lily checked her watch. "And as of now, this bar whore is late. So as of now, this conversation," she clasped the silver button on her cloak, "is over. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Lily-" Marla said suddenly, then stopped. "Just don't wake me, ok?"

"I'll try." And then she was gone.

Lily, bundled against the chilly night air, hurried across the grounds, her eyes on the large willow tree near the edge of the forest. It was blustery tonight, and she was looking forward to the fire which always seemed to be banked and waiting for her when she arrived in the den of the Shrieking Shack.

Despite its gooey, fun exterior, the idiosyncrasy of Lily's relationship with Severus Snape hadn't escaped her.

Feelings had never exactly been brought into the open verbally; although the compensation on the physical side was more than enough to ease any doubt Lily may have had about his liking her.

They'd been meeting secretly at the shack for about a week, but had been seeing each other privately for over a month. They rarely spoke outside of these times, except for rare encounters in empty corridors. This tended to make Lily think and wonder sometimes if something like this would actually go anywhere if they had to keep it secret. However, when she did start to think about things like that, Lily reminded herself sharply not to. There was no point in over-analysing something that was making her unexplainably happy. In fact, she'd lately taken on the motto 'what happens is going to happen' just to stop her ridiculous over-analysing. Decidedly, Lily didn't think about her relationship with Severus that much. True, thoughts of him and their meeting the previous night often tied up her thoughts all day. True, she was always thinking about the night to come, where they could joke, talk and be together without worrying about anyone finding them. True, he seemed to understand her more than anyone she'd ever met before. True, she was astounded she hadn't pegged him as an amazing person sooner. True, he made her smile without even saying anything or being there. But she never thought about it.

Severus stepped back from the fireplace, satisfied with the job he'd done building it (i.e., pointing his wand at it and saying a few well chosen words). He watched the flames jump and spark for a moment, then, jaw twitching, threw the crumpled piece of parchment into it. As the dried paper caught fire and curled in protest, the ink melting away, he closed his eyes against it.

It was the same every time: a disinterested summary of any news from around the house, an unspecific update on his mother's condition, a reminder that he was not to contact his father under any circumstances. Every letter was a shove back into reality, a reminder that there were serious events occurring outside the walls of his currently comfortable life, and that he had no power to make a difference with them.

Every letter brought back the resentment for his family, for his name, for himself. The worst part was that he knew exactly what was waiting for him at the end of next year. He would go to work for Geoffrey, doing whatever dark tasks he was too afraid to do himself. He would slowly watch his mother die from the inside out. He would die too, one day, unhappy and hateful. It was all in the letters; he read it every time. Severus wanted nothing more than to leave and take his mother and disappear. He thought about it all the time, devising schemes of how to hide and stay hidden and still be able to live a life. He had long decided that he would not lead the life described so subtly in his uncle's letters. He was determined to make the most of his mother's final years, and would fight Geoffrey the whole way.

Unfortunately, he still had a year and a half before that happened, and he knew as well as anyone else that anything could happen in that span of time. It terrified him, sometimes to the point where he would consider leaving Hogwarts while Eileen was still alive, but there was one thing keeping him there, determined to finish school and accomplish something, if he never accomplished anything again.

Lily came through the door then, surprising him to drop the poker he'd been holding.

"Oh, sorry- I didn't mean to scare you."

"You didn't, I was just-"

Lily waited for an answer that didn't come. His mind was jarred slightly, having been forced to change mindsets so quickly.

"What's wrong?" she asked, taking off her cloak, watching him.

"Nothing," Severus said, grabbing the poker and jabbing at the fire. He looked up at her, still frowning at him. "Nothing's wrong. Is it cold outside?"

"Yes, it's miserable, and something's wrong, I can see it. What's happened?" Lily looked around as if searching for a problem.

"I told you, nothing."

"Oh, right, because you're broody and peeved all the time," Lily said sarcastically. They both looked at each other suddenly, getting the joke.

"It's private," he settled, hoping she'd leave it at that. Lily sighed deeply.

"Right."

They sat without talking for a few minutes, then Lily turned to him.

"You know, you don't have to tell me, but just know that if you ever want to- it's just that I might not understand what you're upset about, but it doesn't mean I don't care. I do care. A lot."

"You're babbling," Severus said with an amused glint in his eye.

"I know." Lily played with a piece of her hair. "It's just- I know you have something happening... you know, at home. You know I know, and you know I care, but you still don't talk about it. You should."

"Why?" Severus was getting irritated. He didn't have to do anything.

"Because if you don't you'll get angry. And the longer you keep it all to yourself, the angrier you'll get." Lily was looking at him in a way that told him she wanted him to show she understood. So he nodded, even though he didn't agree at all.

"I know. I'm just, er, not ready yet to talk about it."

"Ok," Lily said, taking his hand. "I'm not trying to make you do anything- I just-"

"I get it."

"...Ok."

"Thanks," he said suddenly, looking her in the eyes for the first time that night. "For this, I mean."

Lily merely smiled a smile that didn't quite reach the concern in her eyes. "Hey, it's what I do."

"I don't really know what I'd do if you-"

"Now, now Severus," Lily cut in, smiling harder, "let's not say things we can't take back to save our manhood later."

"Fair enough." Severus leaned over and kissed the corner of her mouth. Lily closed her eyes, her smile disappearing.

"Oh," she added, kissing him back, "you're welcome."

There was actually a lot he wanted to say to her, but he honestly didn't think he could say it right. He told her so.

"So don't," Lily whispered, licking her lips. "Show me instead."

Severus began to kiss her again, but stopped. "You- you mean-?"

"I have things I could tell you too," she said softly. "We can have a- a conversation." She grinned nervously.

They both looked around momentarily. There, knelt on the floor Severus' cloak, a blanket from upstairs folded neatly at the end of the sofa, it seemed strangely right. There was absolutely nothing romantic or magical about it. It was genuine, somewhat crude, perfect.

They held each other's gaze for a long time, almost challengingly.

Then, slowly, Lily put her hands on Severus' chest and kissed him. It was deep, sincere. It lasted a while, getting faster and faster as he struggled to keep up. They moved their hands over each other, the familiar feeling of clothing boundaries calming and encouraging. Breathing became heavy, eyes fluttered open and closed, thought stopped.

Then, as if turning the key in some strange, mysterious lock, they broke apart, and it began.

Severus bit his lip, hastily fumbling with the buttons of his robe. He looked up to see Lily watching him intently, and stopped.

"Are- are you sure you want to do this?"

Lily looked at him, as if breaking out of a trance, and smiled nervously.

"Yeah." She swallowed hard, her eyes on his top button. "Yeah, I- I want this."

She reached forward and undid them all quickly, then moved for his trousers. Severus swiftly pulled his shirt off.

After their clothes were discarded they both knelt back down, and he really looked at Lily for the first time since. He took in everything about her; the smoothness of her skin, almost gold in the firelight, the rich copper of her hair, her intelligent green eyes, vibrant and kind. He reached out, his hand trembling, and ran his fingers along her cheek, behind her ear.

She shivered, and he pulled away, but she leaned into him, closing her eyes.

He loved the way her lashes rested on her skin, her mouth turned up slightly in a smile. He stroked her slowly from shoulder to elbow, hardly believing the softness.

She placed a hand on his thigh, and opened her eyes again, realizing she was very close to his face. Inhaling slowly, wanting to remember everything, he touched her cheek again with two fingers.

As they kissed, he reached down to the curve in her hip, and she touched the small of his back

Hardly trusting his own mind at the moment, Severus pulled her closer, pushing the small of her own back toward him. She leaned into it, allowing herself to be led. Holding his breath a moment, he reached up carefully to her chest. Lily inhaled sharply at the touch and pressed against him, her arms around his neck. Wrapping one arm around her and using the other for balance, he led them down and rolled over to prop himself up on his elbow.

They stopped for a moment, and he pulled away, gazing down at her with a look she'd never seen before.

"What?" she said softly, barely whispering. She felt only slightly embarrassed; laying there naked on the floor, but it was so warm, and so quiet.

"Nothing," he replied, still unable to take his eyes off of her. The smile on her face.

"What?" she giggled, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear.

He inhaled deeply. "You know, coyness only works when you're fully clothed."

"Says who?" Lily grinned and reached up, pulling him down toward her.

Everything seemed slow, but kind of nice, very unlike Lily's previous conception of what it should have been like. Severus was gentle and terribly careful, almost as if he was afraid of breaking her. Almost.

Afterward, when the fire had burned down, and the sun was beginning to peek through the cracks in the boarded windows, Severus and Lily lay together, watching the glowing embers. Relishing the quiet.

Severus smoothed her hair from her face, resting his cheek on her ear and gazing into the fire. Lily smiled, her eyes resting unfocused on the coals, loving the feeling of closeness.