No Regrets

Come on

Oh my star is fading

And I swerve

Out of control

And if I

If I'd only waited

I'd not be stuck here

in this hole

Let me tell you something about Azkaban, Harry. About the last fifteen years of my life and what I felt during them.

Azkaban was an island of mental torture, bone chilling screams, and heartbreaking memories. I lay in my cell counting the stones in the wall for the last time, or at least, I hoped it was the last time. Every day again. I already knew there were 9855, but I kept counting them day after day after day. I didn't know why. I still don't. But, I counted. Maybe to ease my mind and to keep it off of the reason I was there. To forget the next wave of torture coming my way or maybe to make sure I could still count and do rational, everyday things. When I wasn't counting them I felt horrible, empty, and I could feel those monstrous creatures trying to suck the life out of me.

If there was one thing I would never let them have, it was my life.

But, it became harder. After eleven years of fighting, one does get tired of it. Sometimes I desired to give in. I felt myself getting weaker by the day and it was crushing to feel you're not even able to open your eyes, or clear your throat...

I would have tried to break out, like I did in the early years of my sentence, but those ... those evil things, they get to you and in the end you start to believe what they make you see. It's awful to realise that whatever the images are, you can't block them out of your head. I hated myself so much that I felt like I deserved to be in there. I had no right in breaking out because all of the things I had done were worth paying for. I hated myself for having that ludicrous plan of changing Secret Keeper. I felt like I had sentenced your father and mother to death. I hated myself for not being able to wait two bloody minutes, that day...

If only I had, things would have been so different. If only I hadn't gone after Peter, you would have had a home. If only I would have told Dumbledore or Remus that we had switched, I would have had a clear name... I wouldn't have been stuck in Azkaban, for twelve wasted years... You could have known the truth and you could have known about your parents. You didn't have to live in a cupboard under the stairs. You didn't have to live with people who told you lies about everything, who treated you like dirt. But because of my careless impulse, my incapability to think rather than act, you had to. I condemned you to the awful youth you had. Me, of all people, who knew how hard it was to stand tall when you stand out. Me, who swore, to your father nonetheless, that if I ever could save someone from a childhood like mine, I would. But I broke my promises. I broke the promise to your father to look after you. I broke the promise to you of being the godfather you deserved.

And now I can never say I'm sorry.

Come here

Oh my star is fading

And I swerve

Out of control

And I swear

I waited and waited

I've got to get out

Of this hole

Those memories, haunting you every single second, really do get to you like nothing else ever could. They stop being memories. They become your dreams, become your company, become your reality. If you didn't break after you've coped with all that, they become your life. And after you've lost all knowledge of time, reality, and feeling, they are the only thing you can hold on to. Even getting away from that place isn't important enough to spend your time thinking about it. Keeping sane becomes your all consuming motive. It's what keeps you going.

But then one day, I got hold of that newspaper. That changed everything. I felt strength I hadn't felt in over a decade. I finally had a reason to live and a chance to set things straight. I could make you see I was no murderer, no traitor... Someone up there had been kind enough to offer me one last chance to show the world who really was to blame for the death of the two finest people I had ever met. I could finally avenge your parents' death like I was out to do the day I was sent to Azkaban. I had this feeling that if I could do this, grab that chance with both my hands, that I could make things right. I might've been able to live with myself again. I felt hope I had never experienced before. If I could convince other people I was innocent, that I had only been trying to save or avenge Lily and James, maybe I could believe it too.

I had to get out of there and become the friend I had always been.

Become the godfather I was always meant to be.

Become your home as I had always wanted to be.

Come here

Oh my star is fading

And I see

No chance of release

And I know

I'm dead on the surface

But I am screaming underneath

Now, three years later, I still haven't been any of those things . . .and no matter how much I still want to be them, it's too late. And again I am sorry, but there still is no way of telling you.

My luck has run out this time, Harry. There is no news big enough to make me break free from this place. This is no place I can leave, not as a man, not as a dog. And I know that there will never be a response if you call my name, but believe me, I am talking to you all the time. I'm screaming at the top of my lungs, Harry, you just cannot hear me. I'll always be screaming, until the day you will not be deaf to my voice anymore. I just hope that day is not any time soon.

Even though it's left unheard, I can try to give you advice and hope that you will subconsciously pick it up. It's the only godfatherly thing I can still do.

Don't do anything rash, Harry. Don't make any stupid decisions. Don't make the mistakes I made and think before you act. Don't avenge me, or your parents. There will be a time when you get the chance to do that. But for now, it doesn't matter how courageous you already are or how much you've already been through, you are too young, too important, and too loved to get into this kind of war or trouble.

But time

Is on your side

It's on your side now

Not pushing you down

And all around

Oh it's no cause for concern

My star has faded, but yours, Harry, yours is still on the rise. I know you can't hear me. I know you think I've left you hanging. But, I'm still here. I'll always be. I'm still your godfather and if I can't take care of you then, by Merlin, I'll love you as much as this transparent reflection of the afterlife can.

Take care of yourself as you have done for so long. You are so brave and so noble. You are as much of your father's son as you could be. And that is the greatest compliment I could ever give you. I see so much of James in you and I know this is a hard time, but I know you can become stronger through all of this. You are the best godson one could ever wish for. Don't ever think you've done me wrong or that you haven't been living up to my expectations. You have, by far, exceeded them and you will exceed them even more in times to come.

If anyone has been a disappointment, it has been me. For twelve years I made you find your own way through life, when I was the one who could help you find it. And when I finally get the chance to be the person I had promised your father I would be, I still am a convict on the run, making it so that you have to take care of me rather than the other way around. And then, on the night I could've given you the home I had to offer, the night I could've been the godfather I had in me, I did the complete opposite and left you by yourself again.

But, this I can say I did right: I loved you, like a friend, like a brother, like a godfather, and , although I could never give you the love James could have given you, even like a father.

Stuck on the end

Of this ball and chain

And I'm on my way

Back down again

Stood on the edge

Tied to the noose

Sick to the stomach

But it won't change a thing

I'm sick of the secrets

Tied to the noose

But you came along

And you cut me loose

I don't ever want to hear you say you are sorry for anything you did. I don't ever want you to do anything out of guilt or anger. I have acted too often on them and look where that got me. I want you to become the person you were meant to be, and I have no doubt you will. I want to see you love someone enough to make you risk everything. But, I want you to be loved back so much that the person would never ask that of you. I want you to keep those friends you have now, so that at least one of the Marauders can live on with that kind of friendship we once knew. I want you to have a child you can love as much as James and Lily loved you. I want you to have a godson you can love as much as I loved you.

Because I really did, Harry.

You gave my life meaning beyond anything I could ever imagine. You saved me in every possible way. I don't want you to dwell in the feeling of sadness you might have now. Look beyond your sadness and don't lose touch with what you have, because if you stay in this grey cloud, it might one day clear up and everything else may be gone as well.

You gave me three wonderful years in which I finally had the chance to mean something for someone again. I know my name isn't cleared, and I know my funeral is without a body, but those who had to know the truth, know and accepted it. And the people that matter, they mourn. You gave me a place in your heart and that makes me feel as if all the bad things that happened in my life are redeemed.

You bought me three more years. If I hadn't had the chance to tell you everything, I would have been dead long before now. Maybe not physically, but mentally for sure. You saved my life, more than once, and in more ways than one. I feel gratitude, love, and friendship for you that I can honestly say I have never felt before. You have made me a better person and I couldn't have loved you more if you were my own son. You have made me realise that pride is a feeling that does exist. You have made me feel proud to see you, to know you, and you have made me proud to say I was your godfather.

I am proud of you, as only a father could be of his son.

I don't want you to lose yourself in this grief, Harry, because you have made me happy and you have set me free. I may not have had the chance to be or do everything I wanted, but I had the chance to do everything I needed to. You gave me that chance.

I will always be with you, and I will always be your godfather. But, I am here now, and I am here to stay. Yet if you ever regret something you did, believe me, I will move heaven and earth to come from the dead to prove you wrong.

No regrets. Like I don't have regrets, anymore. . . .

Stood on the edge

Tied to the noose

But you came along

And you cut me loose