Explain The Night

Chapter Eight: All Racing To Find You

I will not walk past them, I will not walk past them, I will not walk past them, I-

The open space Remus had meant to use for crossing the street, was suddenly taken by a horribly ugly purple and pink bus that appeared out of thin air and said 'Madame Puddifoot's Perfuming Snap Sisters' to let out a bunch of elderly smelly ladies.
All right, I will just ignore them, I will just ignore them, I will just ignore them, I will-

'Oi!' a voice called. 'Moony!'

Remus's head snapped up before he could remember what he was thinking.

Great. Just don't go over to them, don't go over to them, don't go over to them, don't-

'Come over here, Remus!' James called.

Remus swore at his utter inability to deny James and muffed over to the café where his friends were sitting, forcing a smile.
Fine, but I will not join them, I will not join them, I will not join them, I will not-

'James, Lily, fancy catching you here,' he said. 'Sirius. Where's Peter?'

Remus did his best to avoid Sirius' eyes. It had only been three days since he'd told everyone he was moving in with Jill and those wounds, or even those from the wedding, had not even remotely started to heal.

'He's at a congress in Germany or Albany or something else that ends with a y. He Firecalled a few hours ago.' James smiled and motioned at the chair opposite him, next to Sirius. 'Sit! Join us!'

'No, thanks, Prongs, haven't got the time, haven't got the energy,' he hastily made up. 'Full moon tonight.'

'I know,' said Lily worriedly. 'I checked the lunar chart this morning. You feeling it already?'

'As much as I hate to say so, yes,' Remus said. 'So if you don't mind-'
'Come on, Moony,' Sirius said. 'You haven't spoken to us in over a week-'

'Three days!' Remus huffed.

'Whatever, and you really could use some company right now.' Sirius took his glass and used it to gesture at the chair. 'A simple drink isn't going to take four hours, so sit and join the conversation.'

Sirius raised his eyebrows and glass.
'All right,' Remus sighed. 'I never could say no to you, could I?'

Sirius choked on his drink.

'Something I said?' Remus asked James and Lily.

'Not at all.'

'Okay, so what about that conversation you wanted me to join?'

'It's not all that interesting, really,' said Lily quickly. 'It's about Peter and he's never very interesting, is he?'

Remus smiled and wanted to say something, but Sirius cut across him.

'Actually, this time, I thought it was very interesting.'

'What was it about then?'

'Gay people.'

Remus coughed and swallowed hard. 'Beg your pardon?'

'Sirius, it's not worth-'

'Well, I might as well find out what it's all about now, so continue, Padfoot,' Remus said, trying to sound jovial.

'James is the one he told it to through the fire, he'd best tell you,' Sirius answered.

'I don't- really,' stuttered James.

'Go on,' Sirius nodded.

'Well...' he looked to Remus once more for reassurance and when he didn't stop him, he continued. 'There's this one fellow that Peter met at that congress and at first he thought they could be friends and all, you know Peter. But now it turns out he's gay and kind of infatuated with Peter, for Merlin knows what reason, so naturally Wormtail's scared out of his wits.'

Before anyone could say another word, Sirius started talking again.

'What about you, Moony?' he asked. 'Are you afraid of homos?'

Considering I am one, not particularly.

'No... Why?'

'So, you're saying, that if one of your best friends turned out to be gay, you wouldn't be spooked?'

Exhilarated, more likely.

'I guess not,' he looked over to James and Lily, who both looked infuriated. 'Why?'

'Not even if it turned out to be the friend you were living with?'

'What are you playing at, Sirius?' Remus asked, shocked.

Sirius leaned closer towards Remus and looked him straight in the eyes. 'Not even if he turned out to be hopelessly in love with you?'

'What?' he asked, his voice a lot higher than he had intended. 'Why? Why do you want to know?'

'Just answer the bloody question, Moony.'

'Sirius-,' Lily hissed.

'No, Lily,' said Remus, his eyes never leaving Sirius' face. 'You tell me if it is the case, then. You tell me if you are a homosexual hopelessly in love with me. Because I'm in no mood for hypothetical nonsense, Sirius. So you tell me and I'll answer.'

Sirius looked a little taken aback. He was most definitely at a loss for words. Remus knew it wasn't his habit to snap, and most certainly not his habit to snap at Sirius, but the moon did make him easily agitated.

'Didn't think so,' said Remus, getting up. 'I'm sorry to interrupt this wonderful conversation, but some of us need to be locked in for the night. Lily, James, I'll see you tomorrow?'

'You'll see me tonight, mate,' James said, lifting his arm to pat Remus on the shoulder. 'And Peter should be back in a few hours, so there'll be at least two of us.'

James and Lily both shot Sirius an angry look.

'All right. You remember the spells to get in and lock everything again?'

'Sure do.'

'Just so you know, I think you're in for a rough night,' stated Remus.

'Nothing we can't handle.'

'All right, thanks mate,' Remus said, he took his jacket and he left the café, without saying anything to Sirius.

It's about time I'm the one to leave without saying something.

Lily peered around the corner to see if Remus was gone and then sighed.

'Jesus, Sirius, when it comes to being cruel, not even Snivellus could give you a run for your money.'

*

Remus woke up, his eyes were stinging, his back felt broken and virtually every body part tat could hurt, hurt.

He couldn't remember much of the previous night, only raging -nearly tangible- anger. The shed, indeed, seemed only to be held standing by magic.

Peter and James lay asleep on a few stacks of hay and moth-eaten blankets. And to his surprise, he found Padfoot at his feet. The normally so shiny fur was dirty and tangled -Remus could see little clots of dried blood in it. His breathing was shallow and he made a high-pitched whining noise as if every breath was causing him pain. Remus hadn't seen him this bad since the moon after he had sent Snape down the Willow.
Of course he felt bad about causing his friend -the one he loved, no less- this much pain, but Remus felt he couldn't apologise. He couldn't face Sirius.

Remus knew it was wrong. He knew Sirius would soon drop by to collect his belongings and he'd move in with Jill, but Remus had got the distinct impression that Sirius either knew about him, didn't much like gay people or a combination of both. So that distance that was there between them now, would only grow larger, no matter if he said he was sorry or not.
Remus didn't even properly know what he'd really be apologising for.

I'm sorry for wounding you, Sirius.

I'm sorry for hurting you, Sirius.

I'm sorry for loving you, Sirius.

He was so lost in thought, he didn't even hear James wake up with a huge yawn.

'Awake already?' his friend smiled.

Remus didn't bother to look up from the dog at his feet. 'Seems I'm not the one who suffered most last night.'

'I won't deny you weren't very nice to him,' James sighed and adjusted his glasses. 'You can see the result for yourself.'

'Sadly enough, yes.'

Peter let out a loud snore and shot up.

'Heavens! Heavens! I'm late!' he shrieked. 'I should've been at the Ministry half an hour ago! Merlin!'

He looked pleadingly at James and Remus.

'Bye Peter,' they chorused.

They barely noticed him Disapparate as they got up tiredly (and painfully, in Remus' case).

'You all right?'

'Tired, but better than I normally am, oddly enough,' Remus said, wincing and checking himself for scratches and bite marks. 'I really took it all out on Sirius, I'm afraid.'

James nodded.

'I really don't know what got into you, Moony. There was no stopping you.'

'I should be glad I don't remember much, right?'

'Very,' his friend replied. 'Guilt would swallow you whole.'

'It's already doing so,' Remus sighed and looked at Padfoot. 'When did he get in? I didn't see him get in.'

'You were already changing and suffering like hell,' said James, ruffling his hair. 'He got in, immediately transformed and just went to stand by your side. I think he even licked your face.'

'Good boy,' Remus muttered.

'You were kind of calm, after that,' his friend continued. 'It was only after you'd completely transformed that all hell broke loose.'

'Sorry.'

'It's not your fault,' James waved his hand impatiently. 'You've been through a lot with Sirius and all. It's only normal the wolf would take it out on us.'

Remus shrugged and looked at the usually so prestigious dog, which was now breathing shallowly and shifting his paws occasionally.

'I really hope he just is asleep and not unconscious.'

'I don't think he's out cold.' James bent down to check the dog, took out his wand and forced him to transform. 'And even if he is, it's nothing we've never been through before.'

Remus shifted uncomfortably and tried to ignore the wounded man at his feet.

'He deserved it,' said James, getting up. 'Both times.'

'I don't think a friend ever deserves to be bloodied up like this,' Remus replied and before James could say anything else he added, 'and neither do you, so don't just say this to make me feel better.'

'All right, but just-' James looked around insecurely but decided to finish his sentence anyway. 'Just talk to him, okay? I've got a feeling he knows more than he's willing to tell you.'

'What'd you mean?' Remus managed, barely stifling a yawn.

'I mean that I think he remembers, Remus,' James said earnestly. 'Listen, I hate to do this, but I've got a meeting at ten, so is it okay if I Apparate you and Sirius home, get you settled and then leave?'

Remus was too tired to register everything that James had just said and merely nodded.

'You've done more than enough, Prongs. And not just last night.'

'So get me a medal,' James smiled.

'And make that fat head of yours swell even more?' Remus prodded his friend and was honestly amazed at his ability to joke at this point. 'Let's just get him to bed.'

'Is it me, or are you really enjoying taking care of him?'

'It's just you, as always,' Remus said lazily. 'Now come on and help me get us out of here.'

*

Fifteen minutes after Remus had washed himself and changed, he and James were carefully cleaning up Sirius -who'd been drifting in and out of sleep- and putting him in the bed they had conjured next to Remus's.

'I'll tell Lily to drop by or at least Firecall, this afternoon,' said James, looking very worn.

'You don't have to, you know,' Remus said, not even bothering to open his eyes, once he'd closed them. 'I'm tired and sick, yes, but I've been much worse and even then I knew how to take care of myself.'

'I know,' his friend replied. 'But I'd feel a lot better knowing someone's checking on you.'

'If it makes you happy,' Remus sighed. 'And now we've got that settled, you can leave and I can finally get some sleep.'

With a flick of his wand, he turned off the light to demonstrate his point.

'All right,' James whispered before he Disapparated. 'Have a good rest.'

Remus was more than eager to embrace sleep with his two arms and sighed happily because he was finally going to, when he suddenly heard Sirius.

'Remus?'

His voice sounded lazy and thick with sleep.

'Remus, I've been thinking, I mean... Last night I was thinking about the stuff you'd said and stuff that happened and stuff.'

Sirius didn't really sound coherent and it made Remus wonder if he was talking in his sleep. A long silence almost assured him of that. He felt so very guilty and all he wanted was to have the strength to move over to Sirius and tell him that it was all right and that he should just sleep. But then Sirius started talking again.

'And it's okay that you're angry with me and whatever happened I deserved it and I just want you to know that-'

Remus had so much trouble concentrating on his friend's words in the dark and wished for light so he could wake up and understand everything Sirius was saying.

Sirius sighed heavily and painfully before he continued.

'And I just want you to know that I am a homosexual, hopelessly in love with you. It just took me way too long to figure out.'

Remus' eyes snapped open.

I mean that I think he remembers, Remus.

All thoughts of sleep and pain were long gone.

And Remus spent the day hoping and praying Sirius remembered.