Explain The Night

Chapter Seven: 'Till One Dream Appears And Love Is Its Name

'I'm going,' said Remus, getting up to leave.
Remus, Peter, James and Lily had been sitting at a table outside a café for nearly an hour. Sirius had Firecalled them, telling them to go there instantly, because he had big news.
Remus had not intended to go at first. He felt that if Sirius wanted to play games -and being ignored for three weeks straight and then having to jump because Sirius wanted him to qualified as a game for Remus- he was allowed to do so, but he would not participate in them. Yet in the end, James and Lily had dragged him to that little café, where they had been sitting and drinking wine, enjoying the summer sun.
'Oh, come on, Moony. He'll be here,' James said comfortingly. 'I'm pretty interested in what the big news is, myself.'
'Yeah well, see if I care,' Remus snapped.
'Remus,' Lily intervened. 'Relax.'
'I am relaxed, I am completely, totally, utterly relaxed.'
'That's nice to hear then,' James said again. 'Now shut up and sit down.'
'All right,' he answered, sinking back into his chair. 'I just can't see why I am here, that's all.'
'Because you're our friend. Because you're his friend,' Lily said. 'And because he wants his friends to hear this big news first.'
'Sounds like a good reason to me,' Peter laughed as he gestured the waiter to refill his glass.
'If I'm such a good friend, why hasn't he talked to me in three weeks,' Remus spat. 'I mean, we live in the same apartment and he managed to avoid me for three weeks. He didn't even send an owl or anything. And when he called me before, he just said, 'Moony, café, now.' That doesn't sound too friendly to me. Rather impersonal, is what I'd call it.'
'He said the same thing to us,' Lily said while eyeing James to nod. 'He was just in a rush, that's all.'
'Oh yes, that's why he's an hour late,' Remus said, getting up once again.
'Remus, sit. Besides-'
Remus knew James was getting angry, it wasn't often that he used his real name.
'-it's not as if you were keen to talk to him, is it? You started all this ignoring, so don't you dare complain now.'
'What?' Remus huffed. 'I never-'
'Yes you did.'
Remus looked at Lily and Peter for help, but Lily was busy trying to flatten James' hair (something she long ago found out was useless) and Peter was watching the sun filter through the deep red colour of his wine.
'Fine.'
He sat back down, staring at his glass, trying his best to ignore the others. Peter had closed his eyes, enjoying the sun as much as he possibly could and James and Lily were acting like the happy newlyweds they were.
What I wouldn't give to be as happy as you two. What I wouldn't give to sit here, drinking wine, forgetting the world around me, together with the person I love.
'All right there? Prongs, Lily. Wormtail,' Sirius' voice snapped him out of his reverie. 'Moony.'
Remus felt his heart sink.
He clearly doesn't want me here.
'I hope I didn't keep anyone waiting.'
'We were just having a drink, Padfoot, just having a good time,' said James jovially. 'So, fess up. What's this big news you've got?'
'Yes, Padfoot, tell us!' Peter encouraged him.
'Well...' Sirius shot Remus a weird look.
Why is he looking at me like that? He hates me. I hate him. Why should I care?
Even though he continued to cringe inwardly, Remus kept perfectly still, trying not to acknowledge Sirius' presence. Even when it was clear he had failed at that, he kept an even face, acting as if he wasn't at all interested in that big news.
'I was planning on telling only Remus at first, but then I thought... Well, we're friends right? You've all got a right to know and I'm sure you're glad for us.'
Remus' resolve lay shattered. Telling only him? Happy for us? What was going on? He fought the beginnings of hope inside him with every piece of his rational mind. Surely, Sirius could not have fallen in love with him, but then... who's the us? And why only tell him?
'Stop beating around the bush, Padfoot!' James smiled.
'All right... D'you remember Jill?'
'That's the girl you brought to the wedding, isn't it? The drunk?' Lily asked.
'Yes, her,' Sirius suddenly glowed with pride. 'We're moving in together.'
Lily's mouth fell open, Peter nearly fell out of his chair and James looked positively outraged. Remus felt awful.
'That's why I wanted to tell you first, Moony,' said Sirius apologetically. 'This means I'm moving out.'
'What?' James practically yelled. 'Are you- I mean, you're not joking?'
'Why would I be joking about something as important as this?' Sirius asked frowning. 'To be honest, I had expected a completely different reaction.'
'What did you expect, then?' James said, looking quite angry indeed. 'How long have you been seeing this girl, two months?'
'One and a half, actually.'
'And you're moving in together? Sirius, you don't even know this girl.'
'Nice thing for you to say,' he answered. 'You and Lily decided to get married after dating for one year.'
'That's something completely different!' Lily interrupted furiously. 'We were and still are in love and everyone knew that. You didn't even bother to tell your best friends you were still seeing her and you didn't even care enough for her at the wedding to help her when she was sick.'
'I was-'
Sirius had started his defence, but Remus cleared his throat loudly.
'I- er... Well, I think I've... stayed long enough,' Remus said in a very hoarse voice, while frowning and staring at the sidewalk. 'I'm- I've got... books I need to get... get back to the library today so er...'
He drew in a long breath, swallowed hard and he tried to focus on his glass, while nodding at it.
'Congrats, Sirius.'
'At least someone is happy for me,' Sirius said, apparently completely oblivious to what was going on.
'Remus...' Lily started, but Remus ignored her.
'Come by to get your stuff whenever you want,' he said, while getting up, still not looking at anyone and walking away.
Stupid Remus. Expecting he'd fall in love with you. Very stupid indeed. He's straight and you've always known that, you've always known that there was no chance for the two of you, so don't be disappointed now.
Remus knew, though, that he could repeat that to himself for hours, but it wouldn't make him feel less hurt.

*

'Nice work, Sirius,' Lily said furiously, while crossing her arms and leaning back.
'What?' Sirius asked, as he took Remus' now empty chair.
'Didn't you just see Moony leave?' James asked, shooting him a look of pure anger.
'You heard the man, he had books to get back to the library,' he answered.
Both Lily and James rolled their eyes.
'For someone who's been called the brightest student at Hogwarts, you really are thick, Padfoot.'
Peter, who had been quiet the entire time, had gone quite pale. 'Yes, I think I should go home too. Yes.'
'You're right, Wormtail,' James agreed. 'We're going as well.'
'And you're leaving me here, all by myself?' Sirius grinned.
'Fat chance, I want to have a word with you,' James said, with a look that wiped the grin off his friend's face.
'Me too,' Lily said.
'Apparate to our place,' James said, while throwing some Sickles onto the table. 'Now. See you around, Wormtail.'
And with a faint pop, the four of them Disapparated.

*

Sirius hadn't properly Apparated into the Potter's living room, or James had already started yelling at him.
'What, in the name of Merlin, were you thinking?'
'If only I had a clue what you are talking about,' Sirius said gloomily.
'Moving in with some girl you don't even know the last name of?'
'I do know her last name!' Sirius said.
'A girl we only saw once, at our party and she was drunk even before it had properly started!' Lily continued.
'Listen, I have no idea why you two are so angry about this,' said Sirius, while leaning against the mantelpiece. 'But I like this girl. I thought you of all people would understand.'
'Liking and loving are two completely different things, Sirius!' Lily shouted. 'I love James. I like you, that doesn't mean we have to move in together.'
'Well, maybe that's something very obvious to you, but I actually do have trouble finding someone I like enough to consider moving in with. And I get the feeling she likes me too.'
'She likes you for the same reason every girl likes you, Sirius,' James yelled, while slamming his fist down onto the table. 'Why can't you see that? You used to.'
'What reason is that incidentally?' Sirius shouted back. 'Why do girls like me?'
'Because you're Sirius Black!' Lily rarely raised her voice and that was good thing, because she could be quite scary. 'Because you're good-looking and rich, because you're from a Pureblood family, because you were popular at school, because you were good at everything you ever did. It only has to do with your reputation, not with who you really are.'
'I didn't see you have a problem with it when James fell for you without knowing you.'
'Leave us out of this!' James yelled. 'This is about you, Sirius! Why are you so intent on making the wrong choices? Do you like hurting people?'
'Talk about overreacting!' Sirius huffed. 'So there is a better choice then? Someone you think is fit for me? Can you name one person from our school who didn't like me because of my reputation?'
'Of course we can!' Lily said.
'Go on.' Sirius had got quite angry himself. 'I'm listening!'
'Are you really that blind?' Lily asked. 'Or don't you want to see?'
'No, I am that blind,' Sirius said, throwing Lily a daring look. 'I'm waiting.'
When neither of them answered him, he added,
'Go on! I didn't get yelled at for nothing. So bloody tell me.'
James, who had been massaging his temples, threw an arm into the air as his head snapped up.
'Remus, of course!'
'James!' Lily hissed.
There was a ringing silence. Sirius had a look of extreme bewilderment on his face.
'Remus?' He muffed over to the couch and slowly sank onto it. 'Our Remus?'
Lily sighed and threw James an angry look before dropping herself next to Sirius.
'Do you know any other Remuses?'
Sirius stared into the fire, without as much as blinking. The shocked look on his face still hadn't changed.
'How- how long? How long have you known?'
'Looking back,' James said, 'I think we've always known. But Remus told me in sixth year. I- I don't know how long he... well, before that.'
Sirius tore his eyes away from the fire and looked at Lily in a very hurt way.
'And you? How long?'
'Seventh year.'
'But so what if he likes me?'
'I don't think you fully understand. He doesn't just like you, Sirius,' James said. 'He- well... Let's just say he's never felt something like that before-'
'Sure, he has.' His best friend waved his hand impatiently, looking to James and Lily for confirmation. 'He's liked loads of girls at school back in-'
'Sixth year? Maybe seventh?' Lily asked. 'No, he hasn't. To my knowledge, he's only ever really liked someone and this isn't just liking. He loves you, the way I love James.'
Sirius was quiet for a while.
'And none of you ever thought it was necessary to inform me? You never thought for a moment I deserved to know?'
'He made us promise, Padfoot,' James sighed. 'We couldn't tell you.'
'Promises like those are made to be broken, James,' he said angrily, 'You should've told me.'
James sighed again.
'Maybe we should've-'
'No!' Lily sounded outraged. 'Remus came to us in trust. He trusted us not to tell anyone and I don't know what they taught you about friendships, Sirius, but I've always been told that true friends don't abuse each others' trust.'
'What about my trust then?' Sirius yelled. 'What about me, who's living with the man, who has been in the common showers with him at school, who slept in the same fucking room as him?'
'Now Padfoot,' James started. 'Remus has always been in perfect control of his emotions, he's never tried anything.'
'If anyone had a hard time, it's him,' Lily added.
Sirius sighed and rubbed his eyes.
'That's four years,' he said. 'That's four bloody years. Was he ever going to do something about it?'
'We're talking about Remus, Sirius,' James said with a half-smile. 'Of course he wasn't going to do anything about it.'
'Prat.'
'Who? Me?' James asked, holding his hands up in surrender.
'No, not you,' Sirius rolled his eyes. 'Remus.'
There was a moment of silence and then Lily shifted uncomfortably.
'You won't tell him, right?' she asked.
'What do you mean, won't tell him?' Sirius grunted. 'Are you planning on keeping it a secret forever?'
'I'm planning on keeping it a secret until Remus sees it fit to tell you,' Lily replied calmly.
'Well, I'm not.'
'What?' Lily yelped. James looked horrified.
'I can't see what the big deal is,' Sirius went on. 'It's like you said, he's never tried anything, right? So why keep quiet?'
'Because he thinks it'll ruin your friendship,' James whispered.
'But it won't!'
'Listen, that's easy to say when he's not around,' said James. 'Besides, I know Remus, he'll feel uncomfortable when he knows you know. Not to mention Lily and I will be in big trouble.'
'So please don't tell him,' Lily finished.
'All right, I won't tell him.'