Explain The Night

Chapter Nine: Just Like Paper From A Fan

'I've never seen you drink coffee before,' smiled Sirius, as he sauntered into the kitchen. His face was a bit pale and covered in bite-marks and scratches, but he looked a lot better than he had the night before.
'Couldn't sleep,' Remus said, running a hand through his hair. 'and sitting around like a zombie isn't my idea of a good time, so I thought coffee might wake me up. How're you feeling?'
'All right, really,' Sirius sighed and sat down at the kitchen table, next to Remus. 'My back's a bit sore and I'm developing a huge bump on my head, but I'll live.'
'I'm so sorry, Sirius.'
'No, don't be. I hit my head on the bedside cabinet just now, so it's not your fault,' he said.
'I mean it,' whispered Remus. 'There's no excuse for what I've done.'
'Yes, there is,' his friend countered. 'I've been a prat and you've had a rough time, which brings us to the important question. How are you feeling?'
'Considering I've almost killed you, a lot better than I should be feeling.'
'You like overreacting, don't you?' Sirius laughed and ran a hand over his face. 'I'm fine, honestly. I'm hopelessly clumsy and I've got a rotten character, but besides that, I really am fine. So get that idea of killing me out of your head.'
'No Sirius,' Remus said. 'You didn't see yourself, you didn't see how you looked. You had blood all over you and you were covered in scratches. I even think you were out cold for a while. You slept thirteen hours straight and you mumbled things that didn't make sense. And I did that. It was my fault.'
'I mumbled, did I?'
'I don't expect you to remember, really.'
'What I remember is-'
'Remus?' a voice suddenly came from the living room. 'Remus, are you awake?'
'I'm here, Lily,' he said, while getting up and kneeling in front of the fire, where Lily's face looked at him worriedly. Sirius quickly followed him.
'Hey, how are you?' she asked.
'We've both just agreed we're feeling a lot better than we ought to,' said Sirius.
'I'm glad to see you're all right too, Sirius,' said Lily caringly. 'James told me it had been a pretty rough night.'
'It was hard on all of us,' Sirius said, before Remus could react. 'But we're both fine, actually. I think everything looked much worse than it actually was.'
'I'm glad to hear that,' smiled Lily.
'But as fine as I may be, I'm still tired,' he continued. 'So if you two don't mind, I'm just going to nap for another hour or two.'
'All right,' Lily said, 'have a nice rest.'
'Sure will.'
Sirius got up, let his hand rest on Remus' shoulder for a moment and then left.
'What about you, Remus?' Lily said. 'Sirius is taking all of this extremely well, but you don't seem to be.'
'I can't.'
'Why not?' Lily asked. 'Everyone's all right, so why should you-'
'Why is everyone taking this so bloody lightly!' Remus yelled as he slammed his fist down on the floor. 'You should've seen Sirius. I could've killed him, Lily. I could've killed Peter and James. I could've killed them all!'
'But you didn't,' Lily said. 'Isn't that what matters?'
'No! I don't know...' Remus sighed. 'Everything went wrong last night. Things happened and things were said that shouldn't have-'
'Such as?'
'Such as me almost killing my only three friends,' Remus said while rubbing his eyes.
'No, I meant, what was said that was so horrible?'
'Not horrible, just not right, I guess.' Remus ran a hand through his hair, took a deep breath and said, 'Sirius told me he loved me.'
'Remus, are- are you serious?' Lily gasped.
'Yes, but I'm very much doubting if he was,' he said. 'He just told me, out of the blue. He said it was okay for me to be mad at him and that he loved me.'
'Wow, that's certainly-'
'Unexpected?'
'No, not at all,' Lily said pensively. 'James and I saw this coming years ago. He just chose an odd time to admit it, that's all. Wasn't he moving in with that drunk?'
'Good question,' Remus answered. 'Listen, Lily, I'm not putting much stock in it. You know Sirius, he's just testing whether he can get whatever he wants.'
'I wouldn't say that, Remus. You might want to trust him on this one.'
'No, I've seen him do it thousands of times,' he said. 'He had bets with James, he kept lists, he just wants to test how far he can go.'
'Fine, if that's what you want to believe, Remus,' Lily said. 'But remember, if you turn him down now, you might lose the love of your life. I'll send James round tonight. Take care.'
And with a soft pop, Lily's head disappeared from the fireplace.
'You might be right, Lily,' he said to himself. 'But if I accept him, I'll lose my best friend.'

*

Remus and Sirius had been eating dinner in complete silence. In the beginning, Sirius had tried to start conversations by saying things like 'Moony, you're the best cook ever' and 'Darn, this is good soup', but Remus had been too occupied by his thoughts to answer.
He just couldn't get Lily's words from his mind. What if she really was right? What if Sirius really meant it?
Would you really risk losing the love of your life, because you're scared of letting anyone in, Remus?
He snorted into his soup, which made Sirius look up. They looked into each other's eyes for a moment and Remus felt like hitting himself.
Apparently, you would.
He kept on plaguing himself, until he couldn't take it any longer and asked what he wanted to know.
'When are you and Jill moving in together?'
'I was actually waiting for you to bring it up but...' Sirius hesitated. 'Well, you aren't really doing it, so I'll do it anyway.'
'And what might that be?' Remus asked nervously.
'You know what I'm talking about, Moony.' Sirius sighed and when Remus made no move to answer, he went in to the living room and said, 'I love you.'
Remus closed his eyes. This was going to be the worst moment of his life.
'No, you don't, Sirius,' he said, following him into the living room, his voice trembling slightly. 'You've just somehow found out about me -no doubt James put his foot in again- and you think you love me because you can have me. It's not your fault and I don't blame you, but I won't be another name on your list.'
Sirius stared at him, eyes blank and mouth open.
'You're not gay, Sirius.'
'Do you expect me to listen and nod and carry on as if nothing happened?' Sirius asked, seemingly angry. 'Because I won't, Remus. I've said it twice now and I haven't had the response I was hoping for, but I'm not used to love and loving and I'll fight for it.'
'You're not used to unrequited love, Sirius,' Remus sighed. 'And not even that. You're just not used to being refused.'
'No!' Sirius yelled, almost desperately. 'No! I love you, why is that so hard for you to believe?'
'Because it's not true,' Remus said, surprising himself with his calmness. 'Face it, Sirius, you love women. How could you be gay all of a sudden?'
'It's not all of a sudden!' Sirius said, while sitting down. He looked defeated, as if he was going to tell Remus about his biggest secret. 'You think I just decided last night I'm in love with you?'
Remus made a gesture is mid-air and let his hand rest on one of the chairs opposite Sirius.
'No, Remus. I've been thinking about this ever since Lily and James's wedding. Did you think I didn't feel it? Did you think my knees didn't get weak or that I wasn't nervous? Did you think that the lights didn't go out for me? You were everything I needed and you still are.'
He looked at Remus and then stared into the fireplace, it didn't seem as if he was looking for words, but merely as if he was considering if he should say them.
'So you do remember,' Remus sighed.
'That night, I felt something I never felt before. I just needed time.'
'I'm sorry, Sirius, I just don't-'
'Remus, I'm not like you. Despite everything you've been though, receiving the bite and all, you've had an okay childhood. You had parents loving you and supporting you. I hadn't. My family hated me and I hated them just as much. I never had other friends but you, because my reputation was too Slytherin for the Gryffindors and I was too Gryffindor for the Slytherins. I was lucky to find you.'
'Sirius, don't say things like that.'
'Let me finish, Moony,' Sirius said. 'You said I wasn't used to unrequited love. That's not true. I'm not used to love, period. I never loved a girl. I never loved my family and, yes, I do love James and Peter, but as brothers.'
Remus didn't know what to say or do. Sirius didn't talk about his feelings, he simply was there and you had to work it all out yourself. This was something he'd only seen once before. In fifth year...
'Do you think it strange I needed to come to terms with finally having everything fall into its place? For those few minutes we danced, Remus, my life was great. Nothing mattered, nothing except keeping you as close as I possibly could. I've been alone ever since we let go.'
'Why should I believe it, Sirius?' Remus sighed. 'Granted, I've never heard you talk like this, but you always knew what button to push to get what you wanted. Why should this be different?'
'Because I felt it too. I felt the rest of the world dissolve and I felt things I thought didn't exist. I admit I used girls in the past, but I- I can't use you, Moony.'
'And what about Jill?'
'Jill was a mistake. I don't know why I wanted to move in with her. I was confused, I guess.'
When Sirius saw that Remus wasn't completely convinced, he took a deep breath.
'Remus, maybe you don't like me as much as you used to, because of my awful behaviour lately, but we're right. We know each other. We know each other's annoying habits, we won't be disillusioned when the first bit of crush wears off because we already know what'll be waiting for us then- and I'm so much looking forward to that. We can take care of each other like no one else could, because we've been doing it for years. We know each other through and through. We've loved each other for years, we've been together for years, we just didn't realise.'
'You've thought about this a lot, I see,' Remus whispered.
'I even made a list,' Sirius grinned, 'my point is, Remus, I can't imagine my life without you, and I refuse to.'
'It all sounds very pretty and I want to believe you, Padfoot, I do,' Remus continued. 'And I believe you believe it, but I need to have proof you're not just confusing friendship with love- and I think you are.'
'No, I used to. I used to think we were great friends when all along we were lovers,' Sirius said, getting up. 'I've been waiting and searching to find something half as special as what Lily and James have. But I've had better all along. You belong with me, Moony. We could be ten times as one as James and Lily are.'
And then it truly hit Remus, he smiled at Sirius and said,
'We're wonderful one times one, Padfoot.'
Sirius sighed happily. Within two steps he was standing in front of Remus, giving him the kiss he'd dreamed of for four years.
'One times one, Moony,' Sirius smiled and held him close, not to let go until that fateful day in October 1981.