Life is a Matter of Living

part of "The Aevum Series"

It was when Remus Lupin died that Harry Potter cracked. Severus sees--the summer after 7th year--sees the all-encompassing depression set in. Potter has always been strong, but not even he is this strong. Lupin had been the one person who understood Potter, Severus knows, the one person who Potter trusted completely. Severus does not even blame Potter for succumbing to such a human weakness, though this is not the time to be pathetic.

Voldemort is out there. He would have no pity, no sympathy, and no mercy for a boy who still has a lot to learn, to know, to master before facing him. Severus personally scorns Albus for believing in Trelawney's ridiculous prophecy, about Potter being the Chosen One. The one who has the secret power inside, making him capable of defeating the Dark Lord. Severus thinks it is more likely Voldemort would die by the Headmaster's hand than any other. But of course, Potter is the perfect poster boy: young, handsome, brave and a complete Gryffindor.

But even with this onslaught of depression, Snape does not relent as Voldemort would not. The boy, no matter his state of mind, needs to practice his Occlumency. "Legilimens!"

-

"I'm sorry, so sorry," Harry sobbed, his hands clutching at Remus' tattered robes. "I know you must hate me, oh Merlin, how could I have been so fucking stupid?!"

Remus' scarred hand pressed against the back of Harry's neck, pushing it against his chest as his other hand stroked up and down the boy's back. "Hush, Harry," Remus murmured soothingly. "It's not your fault."

"But it was!" Harry cried, his voice slightly muffled against the robes. "It's my fault Sirius is dead! I was the fucking idiot that didn't think. I forgot about the mirror, damn it," he said hoarsely. "I hate myself. How can you even touch me?"

Remus merely held onto Harry tighter, refusing to relinquish him. "Because I only have you left."

"It's because of me," Harry chanted, his eyes filled with unshed tears. "It's because of me, all because of me."

"No," Remus denied fervently. Instead of drawing Harry closer, he pushed him away and shook Harry hard. "It's not your fault, damn it! It was a trap laid by a vicious mastermind. It was not your fault! Do you understand me?"

Harry shuddered and he whispered, "Hold me, please?"

"Of course," Remus said, drawing Harry back into his embrace. "You don't even have to ask."

-

"Is that the best you can do?" Severus sneers. If he coddles the boy like everyone else does, Potter will only sink further into his depression. What will happen if he pushes too hard though? "You must imagine a wall, an indestructible wall that no one can breach through! Can you do that?"

Harry gives no indication he has even heard him. Snape hates to be ignored. "Potter!" His irritation grows when all Harry does is stare blindly ahead, not really seeing much of anything. So be it, if that is the way Potter wants it...

"Legilimens!"

This time there is a wall, not strong enough to keep Severus' mind out, though there are few wizards with that capability. He does find it difficult to thrust into Potter's memories this time, but it is not impossible and in a moment he is there.

-

"Try again." Remus smiled encouragingly. "Your shield was almost strong enough to dissipate the curse. Just focus on building an invisible wall. But remember you need to cast the spell a moment before mine hits, understand? You need to remember the shield only lasts so long. When you get the hang of it more, it'll last longer."

Harry nodded and raised his wand again. "I'm ready."

"Are you sure?" Remus asked.

"Of course," Harry responded with a grin.

"Expelliarmus!"

This time Harry waited until the spell was about to hit before he exclaimed, "Contego!"

A pure grey aura surrounded Harry, encompassing him in a protective bubble as the disarming charm hit him. Unlike last time, the charm did not push him backwards. Instead, he stood where he was with his wand firmly in his grasp. Harry looked relieved that he had finally done it right, and there was a pleased smile on his lips.

"Good job Harry," Remus commended. "Very good job. Would you like to try a harder spell now?"

"Sure," Harry answered, "why not?"

-

The only indication that Harry feels anything at the mental intrusions is his bloodshot eyes, filled with tears he has not shed. Severus knows he ought to feel a twinge of guilt, but he has grown so used to being a bastard that it no longer matters. It would be strange if he wasn't. Besides, Severus has never been nice and he vows he never will be. He simply isn't kind. If he ever is, then may he journey down to hell.

"Potter, are you even trying?" he snaps with irritation. He hates wasting time, and that is exactly what the stupid boy is--a waste of time. There are other thing he could be doing, like brewing new experimental potions and such. But here he is, trying to drill the boy's Occlumency. Where had his skill gone? Severus knew at one point the boy had been decent at blocking attacks.

Maybe Potter needs a good, hard shake like the one Lupin gave him in his memory. Severus crosses the room and grabs the boy by his shoulder, shaking him like a rag doll while he yells: "Damn you, Potter! If you don't try, so be it, I will keep raping your mind! Do you understand?"

Nothing. Not even the shake did anything but make Potter's head snap back and forth. As much fun as it is to torture the boy, physical abuse was never his piece of cake. Probably the reason why he was not cut out to be a Death Eater, not quite sadistic enough. Verbal abuse, now that is something Severus derives a great deal of pleasure from, and whom better than the son of James Potter?

Attacking the mind is something similar and no less enjoyable. "Legilimens!"

-

"You can't tell me this isn't my fault!" Harry screamed, his eyes a blaze of green fire, his body stance rigid and stubborn just like his stupid father. "If it weren't for me, Hagrid wouldn't be dead! This was no accident! The Death Eaters were after me and Hagrid got caught in the crossfire!" Tears, not like his father at all, were streaming down his face. "Don't you dare tell me it's not my fault!"

"What do you want me to say? That it is your fault?" Remus inquired, his worn face looking worried and concerned. "How can I say that when I know it's not true? Hagrid's death wasn't because of you and neither was Sirius'. They were not killed by your hand, so how can you even think it's your fault?"

"But it is my fault," Harry cried with anguish. "It is my fault, no matter what you think. Do you know what?" His eyes furiously blinked away his tears. "I wish that I'd never been born. If I hadn't, then it wouldn't be my fault that my parents, Sirius, Hagrid, and who knows who else are dead because of me. Like Cedric and, and..."

Remus' hand closed over Harry's mouth and he said sharply, "Don't ever say something like that again! Do you understand me?"

"Why not?" Harry cried. "If I weren't alive... then none of this would be happening."

"Yes," Remus agreed gravely. "It would be worse. I could be dead, and so could a lot of other people like the Weasleys. Their family has always been prominent on the Light side, and I have no doubt that as soon as Voldemort was finished with you, they would be the next family he would have targeted. Even though they are not a rich Pureblood family, they still wield an enormous amount of influence, and strong magic has always been a part of their bloodline. If it were not for you," he murmured, his hands cupping Harry's face, "all that you care about would already be lost. Perhaps, even me."

Harry trembled and his hands clutched at Remus' arm as if needing some kind of anchor to steady himself. "Why must I be the savior?" Harry whispered hoarsely. "I did not ask for this."

"No, of course you didn't," Remus said softly. "But nonetheless the role was given to you for some reason, which means somewhere inside of you there is a strength that even Voldemort cannot vanquish. The fates may be cruel and unkind, but they chose you because you are the only one that is strong enough. If you were my son--and I consider you the son I never had--I would not put you through this. I would rather die than make you live the life that you have lived. But what I want and what you want cannot change what is."

Harry shuddered, but his eyes stared into the amber brown eyes with more sense of purpose and strength than before. "Do you really think of me as the son you never had?"

"Yes," Remus said firmly, bending down to kiss Harry's forehead. "You are the son I've always wanted to love."

A tremulous smile appeared on Harry's lips. "Good, because I consider you the father I never had."

-

There are tears falling from Potter's face. It is not a good look for the boy. His face is splotchy and his eyes are red-rimmed. But it is better than the blank, passive expression he has been wearing for the past month. Severus will never admit it, but he likes the boy to be passionate--to be alive--because when he is, Severus can almost believe that Potter will save them from damnation.

"Was that a pathetic attempt at a mind shield?" Severus sneers. "You used to be able to block me pretty well, where did that go? Where did the hero go? Are you hiding?" He sticks his head with its big nose and greasy hair in front of Potter's face. "Have you given up? Do you admit you are no savior?"

Potter looks at him from his seat, his green eyes still listless. "I never was."

The answer is displeasing, though Severus does not know why. He has never believed Potter to be the great weapon against Voldemort. Never have, never will. It is a pity everyone else does. "Legilimens!"

-

"The Headmaster told me that after I reach my 18th birthday I can no longer stay at the Dursley's," Harry said, leaning his head on Remus' shoulder and shifting to a more comfortable position on the man's lap. "I don't know where I'll go or what I'll do," he whispered.

"Well," Remus said, tightening his hold, "you will, of course, come to Grimmauld House and live with me until you decide what you want to do with your life." He smiled down at the boy and pressed a kiss on his forehead. "And I thought you wanted to become an Auror? You did suffer through NEWT-level Potions to qualify for training."

Harry clutched Remus' shirt and sighed. "I don't know anymore. I think I wanted to be an Auror because everyone expected me to be one. When I think about what I want, I can't. I don't know if I'll even make it through this summer."

Remus shook him gently. "Don't say things like that."

"But it's true, isn't it?" Harry asked, withdrawing a bit from Remus' embrace so that he could look into the older man's amber eyes. "You know Voldemort is coming after me, and when he does--he will kill me."

"Harry..."

"Don't say anything," Harry snapped, standing up and starting to pace the room. "Don't you think I know how impossible it is for a mere green boy-wizard like myself to defeat a great and terrible Dark Lord by the name of Voldemort? I know I've survived him because of luck, and you have to admit I've got horrendously good luck. But you don't think--and I know I don't--that it's going to last?" His voice dropped to a whisper. "And while I'm alive, I want to... live life the way I was meant to and not live life the way people mean for me to."

"Oh Harry..." Remus held out his arms. "Come here."

Harry hesitated and then went. He allowed Remus to hold him, to comfort him, and to love him in the way no one else had. And when his tears dampened Remus' shirt, the man said nothing. All he did was hold him tighter.

-

"Isn't that sweet?" Severus sneers. "So I see you gave up even before Lupin died. And being the weak, bestial thing that he was, he comforted you through your show of failing when he should have berated you. At least you recognized your incredible dumb luck." Severus grabs the boy and pulls him to his feet. "Stand up! By Merlin, if I have to break you, I will teach you Occlumency. And even though we both know you do not have the power to defeat him--Voldemort doesn't know that, and what he does not know we can use to our advantage, do you understand me?"

Finally, Harry actually looks at him with stained cheeks and dried eyes. "It's hopeless."

"You stupid Gryffindor, even if it's hopeless--you have a duty, and it must be fulfilled! Do you understand me? Legilimens!"

-

"Why are you so good to me?" Harry asked, looking up earnestly. "Why do you believe in me so much?"

"Because," Remus murmured, stroking Harry's silky though messy black hair, "fathers believe in their children, if they are good fathers. Haven't you told me that your cousin was awful, but that his parents loved him? It's what parents do, Harry, and it's called unconditional love. And no matter what you do, I will love you."

"I don't know what to say..."

"You don't have to say anything, all you have to do is let me."

"I... thank you."

Remus smiled and asked, "Would you like to play a game of Exploding Snap or would you rather do something else?"

"No, Exploding Snaps will be fine."

Harry grabbed his deck and grinned. "Are you going to let me win?"

Remus laughed. "You wish."

-

"Damn you, you insolent brat!" Severus screams. "Try! Try! Try, damn you, try! Legilimens!"

-

"One day, I will be gone."

Harry stopped shuffling the cards and looked at Remus. "What did you say?"

"I said, 'one day, I will be gone,'" Remus repeated. "And I hope," he said, reaching over to cup Harry's face, "that you will mourn me for a day and then cease."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because," Remus remarked, glancing out the window at the nearly full moon, "werewolves simply don't live that long. It is because I am a wizard-turned-werewolf that I've even lived this long. Most werewolves die in their late 20s, and I'm still here. I've outlived the life expectancy." He smiled a bit and rubbed Harry's cheeks gently. "I don't know how much longer I have."

"Please don't leave me," Harry cried. "Without you, I don't know what I'll do."

"You will," Remus whispered earnestly. "You will, promise me you will. You will grow up, find someone to love, settle down, and be happy for once in your life--do you understand me? Promise me!"

Harry hesitated and he lowered his gaze. "I promise."

-

Suddenly, unexpectedly, Severus is thrown out of Harry's mind. It is the force, the power that he has always suspected the boy has. One day, maybe, just maybe it will be enough to overcome Voldemort. It is because of this aura of power that Albus believes the impossible in a mere child. And when Severus staggers back, he thinks, maybe Albus is right.

"Why should I try when the one person who loves me for me is gone?" Harry says in a toneless voice. "There is no meaning left in my life. My parents are dead, my godfather, and my surrogate father--the only one who has loved me for me and whom I love unconditionally."

Pity is bad. Self-pity is worse. But it is the breaking of a promise that Severus finds foul. He may be a Slytherin, manipulative and sneaky, but a promise is a promise is a promise. They are not things to be broken, especially not by Gryffindors and most certainly not by the hero.

"You promised," Severus says softly, chillingly. "You promised him."

"He is not here," Harry states dully. "He will never know."

"No," Severus agrees, "but I will." He points to the doorway. "Go. I don't want to see your miserable face or your pathetic memories." He watches as the boy starts walking away. "I never thought a true Gryffindor would betray a promise." Harry stops. "It is something that Pettigrew would do, but never your parents, nor Black, nor most of all... Lupin."

"You," Harry hisses, "have gone too far. Legilimens!"

The insult is at the tip of his tongue, waiting to flay the boy alive for trying such a spell on a master, but the words disappear when he feels his walls being breeched with such an ease that he is left gasping. Even while a part of him is in disbelief and shock, another part of him is thinking that here is the evidence of the potential the boy has always had. This is the power that will save them. Save everyone.

And he falls into darkness.

-

Severus apparates into a room, a dark one with an ominous atmosphere. At first, he does not recognize where he is in his memory until he sees the red, red eyes of Voldemort staring down at the prone figure of the Boy Who Lived. Is this a random memory that Potter pulled out? Or is this done on purpose? Severus shudders as he glances to the side and sees what he expects to see, Lupin in shackles staring at the boy with sadness and helplessness.

This is no random memory, he decides, but it is a morbid choice. Frankly, Severus has to admire Potter's gumption to go seeking out this memory in his mind. It cannot be an easy one for him to look at, even as a passive onlooker. But it is brave of him to bear this pain. To see what happened that day from another's perspective.

"Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived," Voldemort murmured, his crimson eyes gleaming with malice and a promise of death. "The one that prophecy said would be my demise. And yet today you will die."

Severus sees his old self watching the boy glare at the Dark Lord with a defiance that makes him more than the typical Gryffindor. For even those brave, noble souls from his house would dare not look at Voldemort this way. Severus has to commend Potter for his abundance of bravery, even if at this moment looks like it will get him killed. But fortunately for the foolish brat, Voldemort has never been good at predicting the future.

Voldemort raised his wand, and Severus can hear Lupin growling, scraping, and moving like a silver bullet. "Avada..." the Dark Lord began, green light surrounding the wand and surging toward the boy, "Kedavra."

It surrounded Lupin, sucking the life out of him, separating his soul from his body, and expelling him into the land of the dead. Severus sees his past self moving into action after the overwhelming epiphany that Lupin had given him the time he needed to save the boy. After all, it was the task that Albus sent him to do and he would have if he were closer to the boy, but he had arrived too late and his body didn't move fast enough. When he heard the Killing Curse, he knew he was too late.

Thanks to Lupin, he was just in time to grab the boy and portkey out--losing and winning.

-

"Everyone close to me dies."

Severus watches Harry step toward him until he is but a step away.

"Will you die for me?"

No!

"I didn't think so," Harry murmurs, turns around, and walks away. "Good evening, Professor Snape."

"Potter." Harry is nearly at the door. "Harry." He stops, but does not turn around.

"If you live as if you were dead, what would Lupin say?"

Severus sees Harry's fists clench at his side. "I have nothing to live for."

"So say the stupid and foolish, the ignorant and imprudent. But there is still one thing to live for."

The boy turns around. He does not ask, and he does not have to.

"Revenge."

Finis.