The Contagious Slash...

The Contagious Slash

(featuring the debut of the double slash)

or

A Fanfic Author's Version of The Order of the Pheonix

"Wormatail, you IDIOT!"

"Please don't hurt me master..."

"Well, with this abomination, I might not hurt you, but.... Ewww, that's icky! Different thoughts, different thoughts...

We meet Voldie (who is really Voldemort, but I like to call him Voldie) and Wormtail in the depths of Voldie's lair at an undisclosed location a week after his resurrection. Wormtail was just in the middle of re-enacting the pivotal night in Voldie's, nay, the wizarding world's history when Voldie spotted something wrong.

"You mean you cut off your RIGHT hand?"

"Um, lemme see... just wait a second... um... hold on a moment... just a sec... erm... yes. My right hand."

"I AM DOOMED!"

"Huh?"

"That hand was the one that had 'Richard Simmons' tattooed on it!"

"AAAACCHHHH! It is too! Oh, Richard, I have failed you..."

"Stop your blubbering, gameslave! Do you know what this means?"

"That I'll be kicked out of the Richard Simmons Fan Club?"

"NO! This means that I will be terminally gay, and that any one who comes into contact with me shall also be gay!"

"Well, no problem here, sir!"

"Trust me, you would be the last person."

"Oh..."

"Well, we could do some horrible damage with this... ON TO HOGWARTS, before the contagion wears off..."

"Yes my lord... but won't that affect your schedule for total and complete world domination?

"You idiot. That IS how I'm going to take over the world now!"

"By making everybody gay?"

"I think that you are finally beginning to understand, my slow-witted gameslave. NOW SPIN THE WHEEL! DO IT NOW!"

"Yes master..."

Anyhow, Voldie managed to make it to Hogwarts. When he burst through the main doors, George Weasley was the first person he saw, leaning on the banister, remembering a funny joke that Lee Jordan had told him. Something about him (maybe it was the red hair... hmm...) made Voldie feel... odd.

"Wormtail," Voldie whispered to Wormtail, none too discreetly.

"Huh? Oh, um, what is it, my evilship?"

"What is that boy's name?"

"Oh, um... just hold on a sec... it's coming to me... oh... it's... give me a minute... by the power of teddy bear horns..."

"Teddy bears don't have horns, you moron."

"Oh, so that's why it hasn't worked!"

"Ugh. If you want something done right, you might as well just do it yourself. Impotent- erm... incompetent rather... fool!"

And so, Voldie went over to George and started to woo him. Fortunately (for Voldie, that is, maybe not for the rest of us) the contagious slashness started to take effect on George and so he promptly fell head over heels in love with the Dark Lord.

"Ooohh, let's go and have a snogging session, Vicky! (Vicky is George's pet name for Voldie, just so you know.)"

"Capital idea, Georgie! But first, I must go and do something that direly requires my direct supervision."

George looked crestfallen. "Oh... I understand..."

"Oh, it's not like that! In fact, you could help me!"

"Ooooh! That sounds like a load of fun! What do I need to do?"

"Just go into relatively close contact with as many people as possible!"

"How close is 'relatively' close?"

"Only about a foot or so, don't worry."

"Hee hee hee..." George giggled evilly.

"A man after my own heart!"

So, Voldie and George went their separate ways. Voldie went up to Dumbledore and hugged him passionately (only to get him infected, let me assure you) and with Wormtail's being close by, Dumbledore quickly leaped upon Wormtail and speedily began to snog him. Voldemort quickly began to spread onwards to Snape, who fell in love with Lockhart (Lockhart, it turns out, already wanted to have a... erm... cuddly relationship with 'Snapey', anyway.)

Hagrid was next. "I'll think I'll go have a wee walk in the Forest... see how Aragog's... erm... doing... yeah..." and so, Hagrid ran without delay to the Forbidden Forest, all the while drunkenly professing his undying love for Aragog.

George was having much fun at the Gryffindor common room. He examined the room around him, and smiled at the destruction he had reeked. Ginny and Hermione were... ahem... playing an interesting game with Colin and Fred, and Harry and Ron were quickly exiting up the boy's dorm stairs in a definitely giggly manner.

"Hee hee hee..." George giggled evilly. "My beloved's plans are all coming to be reality!" and George maniacally ran out of the room, laughing and cackling like a madman high on tire glue. If there is such a thing as tire glue... I'm sure there must be...

Anyway, speeding up the plot so as not to bore you, the all-important and benevolent audience, George and Voldie were reunited, and at the moment, were snogging in a broom cupboard.

"Mmmmm..." sighed George. "You smell like great-cousin Nick!"

Voldie was quite startled by this. "What did you say?"

"You. Smell. Like. Great. Cousin. Nick."

"Nick who?"

"Erm... just hold on, I've got it... just give me a sec..."

Voldie rolled his eyes.

"Um... oh! I remember! Riddle. Nick Riddle was his name."

"Sweet mother..."

"Riddle... wait, hang on... that means-"

"We're related!"

"Oh well, çest la vie! Now, where were we?"

LATER THAT DAY...

"What? Me? Voldie? Related? HOW CAN THIS BE?!?"

"Shutup, Ron, now hang on. He's really not so bad-"

"NOT SO BAD? WELL, MAYBE GEORGE, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE HIS GIRLFRIEND!"

"I AM NOT HIS GIRLFRIEND! We established from the beginning that HE was the woman. He really is quite feminine..."

"Different thoughts, different thoughts..."

Little did Ron know, but Harry was dropping eaves on them! And only in the next room! He knew that Ron, who was George's brother, who was in turn related to Voldie himself, must be Voldie's true re-incarnated form! This... thing that was continuously snogging with George was obviously an imposter! Harry cracked his head over a nearby statue (they are quite handy and appear very conveniently) for not seeing it before. All of the pieces fit! However, Harry wasn't quite sure what the pieces were, or if they went together in the same puzzle anyway... Hmmm...

Anyway, back to the unfolding plot at hand, Harry quietly snuck up the girl's dorm and found Hermione (he had to pry her off of Ginny again) to help him in his ultimate plan to destroy Lord Voldemort once and for all! MUAHAHAHA!

"Well, you could Avada Kedavra him, I suppose..." Hermione said, all the while gazing at a picture of Ginny in scanty robes.

"Nah, too predictable... cursed JKR... anyhow, what's something unonventional, unmagical, something no one in the world would suspect me to kill Ron with?"

"Hmmm... Maybe we should call up Viggo, maybe he'll let us borrow his sword?"

"Viggo, eh? Well, he is rather pretty... but his sword's broken still! He really should get those bloody elves on that..."

"Well, you could use Godric's sword..."

"Brilliant idea! I have definitely never used that ever before to vanquish a foe! You definitely are a genius, Hermione!"

"How will you get it from Dumbledore's office?"

"I haven't seen Wormtail for at least five hours... I think they'll still be... ahem... busy."

"Well, I guess they're your eyes."

"That's the spirit!"

So, Harry went up to Dumbledore's office, but it took him a while, seeing as how he had changed the password again (rat's paw). He was quite right in thinking that Dumbledore and Wormtail would be rather... ahem... busy, and he got the sword with relative ease, except for the one part when the couple accidentally burst out of the little side chamber to the office. They didn't notice Harry, but Harry inevitably saw them and was blinded in his right eye because of it.

He went back to Gryffindor Tower without anyone noticing the sword, (after all, he is Harry Potter... you don't go accusing him of things... *nervous twitch*) and saw Ron standing in the center of the common room. Harry, enraged that Voldie had penetrated this... sanctuary, brandished his sword about drunkenly.

"YOU!" he shouted, purely on the notion that Ron was indeed Voldie and believing all of it. More sword brandishing on his part.

"Erm, hullo Harry... what are you doing with that sword?"

"I'm going to kill you with it!"

"Oh really? Well, carry on! Anything for Harry!"

And so, Harry tried to stab Ron through the chest, but he only got Errol, who happened be napping underneath Ron's robes.

"YOU KILLED MY BLOODY OWL!"

"Whups, so I did... well, now that's out of the way..."

Harry stabbed again, this time getting Crookshanks. Hermione didn't care that much, really, seeing as how she was rather preoccupied with Ginny.

"Erm... that was trippy..."

Harry stabbed again, but was much too weak by this time to get the sword through the sternum (that's the breastbone, for those of you who are thick) and so, settled for stabbing Ron through the stomach. It would give a slower death, anyway.

"Why did you kill me?"

"You aren't dead yet, you idiot!"

"Oh, I suppose you are right... Why did you stab me so fatally, then?"

"You would know! YOU KILLED MY PARENTS!"

"What? Voldie did that!"

"MY POINT EXACTLY!"

"But, I'm your Ron! Don't you recognize your Ron? Harry..."

And so, Ron bled to death, which didn't really matter, since everything in the Gryffindor common room was red anyway.

So, in the months to come, Voldie gained total and complete world domination through the slashing of all, and married George. Harry, realizing his mistake, flung himself into the lake by the castle and was devoured by the giant squid, to who had taken up a passionate affair with Sirius Black (how he managed to pull that one off, no one shall ever know). And here, the story shall now end.

The End