Past Gladness

Past Gladness

Remus wasn't conscious for long periods of time any more. The Healers had said that he would be lucky to make it to full moon; even if he did, he wouldn't survive the transformation.

They had until the full moon, at the most. Teddy was sent home from Hogwarts to be with his family; he ended up spending most of his time hiding in his room. The house was too quiet, none of this was right, and yet Ron felt calm. He knew he was in denial. The second he tried to understand what all this really meant, he felt his throat constrict, while at the same time, an odd restlessness took hold. He shut out the thoughts immediately, knowing they would overwhelm him if he dwelt on them. Thus, with detachment that seemed so unlike him, he found himself contemplating questions like: 'If a werewolf dies during the full moon, will he transform back after moon set?'. He never asked his questions aloud. It was out of consideration for the others that he refrained from doing so. He didn't think Remus would mind. He'd probably be amused.

Ron's family had taken the news of Remus's illness a lot harder than Ron had expected. Ginny's eyes teared up as soon as she entered the bedroom where Remus lay in bed, propped up on large pillows. George tried not to look at Remus, who admittedly looked very tired and much too thin - but he was still Ron's beautiful Remus.

For Harry, Remus was the last remaining link to his parents and to Sirius. He hadn't been ashamed to break down next to Remus's bed and sob in despair, while Remus stroked Harry's hair and whispered soothing words. The rest of them had left; it seemed wrong to intrude on this intimate goodbye. Because that's what it was. Every visit now had a pall of finality; no one knew whether or not Remus would still be alive the next time.

It was only after everyone left in the evenings and Remus was asleep that Ron let himself go, when he was alone, when there was no need to pretend or be strong, when he didn't have to make sure he used the time he still had wisely. It was then he cried because it was unfair that Remus should leave him already, because he could only do so much to ease Remus's pain, because he missed him already, even though he was still there. Ron cried because losing Remus felt like losing part of himself. And there was nothing he could do about it.

Remus and Ron enjoyed and needed their quiet evenings together. They weren't always happy evenings, but they were honest. Remus sat leaning against a mass of pillows, Ron either holding his hand while sitting on the edge of the bed or curled up on the bed close to his lover. They talked about the years they'd shared; they laughed, got into arguments, they cried together. This was their way of saying goodbye to each other, of tying up loose ends, their way to show gratitude, appreciation and love for the other, their way to deal with the unfairness and the hurt.

Once it had become clear that Remus would soon leave, Ron had tried to be rational about it, had tried to be strong -- to accept it, calm and humbly like Remus had. What he really wanted to do was to rage and scream and hit someone. He desperately wanted someone to fix it, because it just wasn't fair.

~~*~~

Ron entered the bedroom with Remus's cup of morning tea; Remus was still asleep. Ron set the cup down on the bedside table and bent down to wake him.

"Remus, love?" Ron gently stroked his cheek. "Time to wake up, I've got your tea ready."

No reaction. Ron stroked his lover's face more firmly - still no reaction. He felt so cold ... too cold. No! Oh please, God, no ... not yet!

"Remus!" Ron's voice came from far away, hollow and echoing. "Remus, wake up! Wake up, for fuck's sake!" He shook Remus's shoulders. He took Remus's unresponsive hand and left a trail of feather-light kisses along the knuckles. "Remus, please, please wake up, love ..." Ron was begging; he didn't know what else to do. Tears clouded his vision. "Remus!" Ron yelled, hoping against hopes that Remus was just sleeping. Ron heard pounding, urgent footsteps. Teddy.

"I can't get him to wake up, Ted," Ron whispered, never taking his eyes off his partner's still form in front of him.

~~*~~

After that, everything was a haze; nothing made sense any more. Ron noticed people all around, felt consoling hands on his shoulder, took hold of a cup that someone handed him - and held it until the tea was cold.

All the activity around him was in stark contrast to Remus, still and quiet - he looked so peaceful lying there. Ron rose from where he'd been sitting on the bed; the teacup clattered to the floor. In the sudden silence that followed, he bent to kiss Remus on the lips and murmured, "Goodbye, love." He turned around and left the room, oblivious to the stunned faces of the gathered family and friends.

He was just opening the backdoor when he heard footsteps behind him. "Dad? Where are you going?"

Ron turned around to face Teddy. "Just going to sit in the sun for a bit, it's a beautiful day."

"Are you okay? Sorry, that was a stupid question," Teddy murmured.

"Come here," Ron whispered, his throat tight. Teddy was taller now than Ron since the last growth spurt, but he seemed to shrink into Ron's embrace. Ron stroked his hair, which betrayed Teddy's emotions, flickering from blue to red to grey and back to blue. "We knew it was going to happen."

"Yes, we knew. But, Dad -" Teddy's sobs cut off his words.

"... it doesn't make this any easier," Ron finished for him. Teddy nodded, and Ron tightened his arms around him before saying, "I'll be outside for a bit."

He walked to the far corner of the garden, to the apple tree where he and Remus used to hide from Teddy when he was younger. Ron smiled fondly as he remembered Teddy shouting for his dads, who were exchanging a passionate, if hasty kiss before Teddy would find them. And suddenly it hit him. Ron felt the loss like a ton of lead dragging him down to his knees. He slumped, trying to breathe against the oppressive weight that had settled on his chest. His throat felt impossibly tight. Just when he thought he'd suffocate, a tortured scream escaped from him - raw, keening and closer to a wolf's howl than human sound.

~~*~~

"I'm glad you could come." Teddy opened the door and leant against the door jamb, looking tired, eyes red from crying. His relief to see someone who knew his dad intimately was almost palpable. He beckoned his visitors to enter. "Harry." Teddy shook his godfather's hand. "Aunt Hermione." She received a quick peck on the cheek.

"How is he?" Hermione whispered.

"Same as yesterday. Just sits there, doesn't even acknowledge me, talks about Dad ... Mostly he just stares out of the window." He led Harry and Hermione over to the sitting room.

Ron was sitting in an armchair by the window, a wool blanket covering his legs, a cup of tea steaming on the table next to him. His position gave him a good view of the garden.

"Ron? How are you, mate?" Harry walked up to his best friend. Ron looked a mess, which was to be expected, Harry supposed. Ron had lost a lot of weight in the last few weeks; there were bags under his eyes. Harry wondered if Ron ever left his post by the window to go up to bed.

"'m fine. Hey, Hermione. You guys okay?" When both of them nodded, he turned his attention back to the garden. "You know, we used to hide behind that tree from Teddy. So he wouldn't catch us snogging." Ron chuckled; it was not a happy sound.

Beside Hermione, Teddy sighed. He pinched the bridge of his nose with shaking fingers. "I can't listen to this any more. Why can't you just let it be? For five minutes at least!" He shot an accusatory glare at Ron, who didn't seem to hear Teddy and just continued with his story."Stop, Dad," Teddy begged. "Please ..." Ron ignored him. "Shut up!" Teddy finally yelled, and he stormed out of the room, Hermione on his heels, trying to comfort him.

Harry, not quite sure how to react, sat down next to Ron and listened. How Ron had met Remus after the war, how Remus liked his tea, Ron trying to bake his first cake for Teddy's third birthday, Remus's favourite Honeydukes chocolate, how Remus's gentle fingers always soothed Ron's scars when they ached ...

"I miss him so much," Harry whispered when Ron finished telling about one of the infamous pub nights when Remus had accompanied the boys.

"I know. I - I don't know what to do without him, Harry. It's bloody lonely. But you know, I can see us under that tree when I look hard enough."

"Ron, you can't do this forever. Do you want to come stay with me and Ginny?"

"No!" Ron's head whipped around, and he stared at Harry, incredulous. "No," he repeated, more quiet this time. "I can't, Harry. This is all I have left. I've only got memories."

"What about Teddy? You've got Teddy! Isn't it enough that he lost one dad? You can't just sit here and forget about your son. He needs you now, Ron!" Harry couldn't understand his friend. He knew this must be hard; Harry had lost people near and dear to him, too. He knew Ron must be hurting more than Harry could even start to comprehend. He didn't know what he'd do if he lost Ginny. But Teddy was Ron's son. Harry couldn't imagine ever leaving his children at a time like this. He knew exactly what it felt like to lose one's parents. He had never known his mum and dad. Teddy had at least had the chance to get to know his father. But now it looked like he was losing the one parent who was still alive. Harry could not understand how Ron could let this happen. Ron seemed reasonable, the way he talked, but clearly he wasn't in his right mind. And Harry had no idea how to help his friend.

Ron was staring out of the window again, a faint smile on his lips. The apple tree was swaying slightly in the breeze.

~~*~~

Teddy wiped the soil off his hands. Perfect! He had been a tad annoyed when he saw the dandelion that had breached the circle of ivy and mingled with the aconitum and chrysanthemum. During his apprenticeship he had not only learnt about the magical properties of plants, they'd also touched upon their symbolic meaning. With great care, Teddy had chosen the plants for his little memorial site behind the apple tree in the cottage's garden. It was quiet here, a place where he could be alone, a place that held memories, many of which were not his own, but his dads'. It was a magical spot, and not only due to the ever-flowering plants that flourished under Teddy's care.

Teddy sighed and let his fingers trail lightly over the rough bark of the old tree. The more he thought about it, the more he realised that the dandelion was a perfect addition to his little ensemble. He closed his eyes. He didn't think he'd ever be able to forget the painful memories that were connected with this place - Remus and Ron, the fathers who had left him far too early; Remus looking frail and old in his illness; Ron so lost after his partner's death; memories of himself - not quite of age, scared and alone. Yet, while these things were all present, their pain was dimmed by the overwhelming love and happiness that filled his very being whenever he visited this special place. Teddy smiled, feeling calm and yes, happy.

"Ted! Dinner's ready!" Victoire's voice pulled Teddy back to the present.

"Coming!" he yelled. He gazed fondly down at the flowers and whispered, "Got to go, the wife's calling!" He pressed the tips of his fingers to his lips and touched the tree one last time. "See you soon," was his fond goodbye, and he bounded towards the back door, looking much like the small boy who had searched for his dads hiding behind an apple tree.

~~*~~

~~*~~

A/N: A note on the plants Teddy chose, not that I am an expert, but these are the meanings that I have found:

Ivy: undying affection, fidelity

Chrysanthemums (red): cheerfulness, optimism, truth, hope, you are a wonderful friend, rest

Dandelion: faithfulness, happiness