The Parents Who Died

The Parents Who Died: Part X of Tale #1

Ditching the Logical

Wanna stay

Not to go

I wanna ditch the logical

Here’s a toast

To all those

Who hear me all too well

--Eve 6, “Here’s to the Nights”

When she was nervous beyond belief, Lily Evans had a tendency to waver in her step, to get sweaty and clammy, to shiver and stumble. All of this, accompanied with a pink face and mussed hair, could almost resemble how she might look if some of James’s dreams had become reality.

The whole school knew James’s dreams had become reality.

Lily tripped on the uneven stone floor. James grabbed her arm to prevent her from falling and breaking her nose. It was instinctive. It was polite. But it earned some giggles from some first-years passing on their way to their dorms.

Lily shook off James’s helpful grip and made enough distance between them that a car could pass through. James shot the giggling girls a perturbed look that made them snigger even harder. They had to grip the railing to make their way up the stairs.

James sighed. “How immature.”

This earned a slightly queasy smile from Lily, who brushed her hair back from her face with a hand quavering like a leaf. James saw this, and exhaled loudly, removing the distance between them, grabbing her arm to steady it. “I thought you were all for going to dinner and facing it all. Are you no longer all gung-ho about it?”

Lily frowned. “I thought you were terrified.”

“Have we switched positions?”

“I guess so.”

James laughed. “You’re shaking, Evans.”

“No-o. N-n-no, I’m-m-m not-t-t,” said Lily incriminatingly.

“See? You’re stuttering now.” He grabbed her shoulders and shook her gently. “Stop it. You were right; the only way to win this is to outsmart it. The only way to outsmart it is to act like it never happened. Is to not shake and stutter and turn pink. I know that you’re strong enough to do that, Lily. I saw it back in the dorm. Stop acting like a nervous git and act like Lily.”

She stared up at him with terrified eyes. “I can’t help it!”

“Yes, you can.”

“No, I can’t!”

“Yes, you can.”

“No. I. Can’t,” Lily snapped, fire in her eyes. She jerked out of James’s grip. She was steady now, face her regular complexion, feet firmly on the ground.

James noted this with pleasure. “Yes, you can.”

“Do you want another bruise on your face? One on your chin, perhaps?” Lily hissed.

“Now that’s my girl.”

“Your girl? Your girl?”

James nodded. “My girl.”

“Augh!” Lily exploded, throwing her hands up. “You disgust me.”

With that endearing comment, Lily turned on her heel, and stormed through to the Great Hall.

Looking immensely satisfied, James followed.

The whole hall hushed upon their entrance, and all eyes turned on them. James noted this, but Lily, still irked with James’s so-called omniscience, took her seat at the end of the Gryffindor table without a hint of embarrassment.

Despite the whispers all around, James sat next to her, head held high, as if defying them all. He shot a sideways glance at Lily to see that her anger had dwindled completely as soon as she’d sat down. She held her own head tilted slightly downward, to her hair shielded her face.

“Are they staring at us?” Lily whispered out of the corner of her mouth.

James didn’t have to look up to know, but he did anyway, and was met with gaping eyes. “Some,” said James deceptively. In response to all the staring, he slopped some casserole on his plate, and then some mashed potatoes. A very odd mixture, but he didn’t notice. He filled his goblet with whatever was in the pitched in front of him, and swigged some of whatever it was down without tasting anything but coolness. He figured it was pumpkin juice from its temperature, as his taste buds appeared to be failing him.

He shoveled some food in his mouth, and as he chewed, he looked at Lily, whose face was still down, whose hands were still clasped and resting in her lap, and whose plate was still empty.

“You have to eat, Lily,” he said kindly once he’d swallowed. “I thought you were hungry.”

“My hunger apparently evaporated as soon as I got downstairs.”

James sighed, and stuffed more food in his mouth to make up for lack of the answer he wanted. “Whatever.”

They sat in silence then, Lily staring at her empty plate, James chewing something warm that he couldn’t quite identify. The hall buzzed, the quiet broken here and there with shrill giggles, and by the time James’s plate was clear, he was entirely ready to go. This escapade in bravado wasn’t going as well as they planned in the serenity of Lily’s dorm.

A shadow fell over the two of them, and he felt a presence behind him. “Mr. Potter. Miss Evans,” a warm voice greeted them. “Are you quite finished?”

Terrified of what he’d find, James slowly turned his head around as Lily chose to peer through her hair.

Headmaster Dumbledore stood behind them, and if James wasn’t mistaken, his eyes twinkled very slightly in amusement. “If you are, I’d like you to accompany on the long, audacious journey to my office.”

James looked at Lily and Lily looked at James. Their faces wore mirrored looks of horror. They stood, shoulders held tightly as if they were being taken to the electric chair, and the terror of their auras was a deep contrast to Dumbledore’s humor.

The hall watched keenly as Dumbledore placed a hand on each of their shoulders, and steered them out. They, like Lily and James, failed to notice his amused face, and buzzed as soon as they exited about how the two top students of the sixth year were dead.

~^~^~

“Have a seat, please,” said Dumbledore, holding his hands out to the two plush chairs side-by-side in front of his desk. “Kick up your feet, loosen your shoulders, rest your buttocks.”

Lily gave James a sideways look, as if in search of an affirmation Dumbledore had just used the word “buttocks.” He had, indeed.

Careful, nerves tingling in worry, Lily lowered her own object of much discretion onto the seat carefully, eyes cemented on Dumbledore as he took his seat behind the desk. The old man got comfortable, and, to Lily’s surprise, kicked up his feet, resting them on the top of the desk. He eyed the two of them through his half-moon spectacles, and Lily found it hard to think about being expelled with her exalted headmaster was lounging at his desk, sparkling eyes peering at the two delinquent students with the utmost amusement.

“So you two were assigned the Lord Voldemort project,” Dumbledore began, holding the tips of his fingers together, tapping his thumbs thoughtfully. “Have you had any luck?”

Lily was startled, to say the least. She shot James a confused glance, which he returned identically. Weren’t they here about the accusations?

James, always quick to the uptake, shook his head anyway. “Not much.”

“I’m not surprised. Not many have taken the time to delve into motives. It’s always what he’s doing. Not why he’s doing it. But you must understand, and so must they why matters just as much, because if we know why then we can, perhaps, find out how to stop him.” Dumbledore eyed them curiously. “I have a feeling that if you two fully apply yourselves, you can easily integrate Lord Voldemort’s motives.”

Lily nodded quietly, taking the silence that followed as Dumbledore asking for an answer. She was nervous, she was electric, and not only because she thought McGonagall was hiding under Dumbledore’s desk, ready to pound her with pink slips and reprimands, but also because she’d never spoken to Dumbledore by herself. James had, of course, being part of the biggest group of troublemakers Hogwarts had ever seen.

She practically jumped out of her skin when Dumbledore looked directly at her.

“Why do you think Voldemort does what he does, Lily?” asked the wizened professor gently.

Lily. He’d called her Lily. Maybe she wasn’t screwed, after all.

With a sudden ache to please this kind man who was choosing, thankfully, to ignore what was happening outside his office, Lily attempted to loop her leaky mind together. “Um well ” she cleared her throat, tapping her nails against each other. “Maybe for revenge?” she asked hopefully.

Dumbledore settled back, face contemplative. “Revenge. An emotion, a hunger, in the same vein as ambition and greed. Would revenge drive someone that far? Is revenge fed by hatred? What’s your definition of revenge, Lily?”

She got it wrong. Lily felt miserable. Some of this emotion must have shown on her features, because Dumbledore removed his feet from his desk and sat forward. “I’m not suggesting you’re wrong, Lily,” he added kindly. “I merely want to know what revenge is to you.”

Lily chewed on her lip. Revenge. What was revenge?

Immediately, she thought of her parents’ lifeless faces, lying on her foyer floor. She thought of her father, always impassioned in whatever he did. She thought of how that passion was taken from him by the only person capable of taking it. She thought of her mother, doing her best to raise kindhearted daughters who cared not for their own beauty or elegance, but for other people.

“Revenge,” Lily started in a distant voice, speaking from her heart rather than her mind, and that was a long distance to travel, “is getting back at someone for taking something from you.”

“Ah, revenge. A bitter taste in so many mouths. A poison waiting to consume you.” Dumbledore sounded almost nostalgic. “Tell me, Lily, what cures revenge? What is, in a sense, the counter to revenge?”

Her mother’s hand cooled her flushed face, wiped away the tears before they could come. Gentle arms encircled her, her father’s voice told her he was fine, told her he loved her.

“Love,” Lily said suddenly in a constricted voice. She looked Dumbledore in the eyes. “Love.”

Dumbledore looked immensely pleased. “Love, Lily. Exactly. Now that we know the counter to revenge, how might one apply it? James?”

Lily followed Dumbledore in looking at her partner, and she was surprised to see how ashen his face had gone. “It damn well isn’t loving Voldemort,” he spat out.

Shocked, Lily actually jumped.

Dumbledore remained unfazed. “Perhaps not,” he said, nodding. “What’s another way to apply it, James?”

“I don’t want to think about the bastard. I don’t give a damn about his motives. I want him to die. Can I go now?”

Lily’s eyes flew open. Did he always speak like this to the headmaster?

“No, you cannot. I want you to think, James. You have to face it. Are you going to be a coward and run?”

“Yes. I am.” James stood up abruptly. “I don’t care if I’m a coward. I am a coward.” And he spun on his heel and headed to the door.

“You aren’t a coward, James. But you’re right, sometimes running is better than chivalry,” called Dumbledore as James stormed out the door.

Lily remained still in her seat. “I’m sorry,” she said softly.

“No need to apologize, Lily.” Dumbledore sighed, looking older. “I think, perhaps, you should keep an eye on him.”

“Why me?”

Dumbledore looked surprised she didn’t know. “He listens to you.”

Lily laughed aloud.

“He does, Lily.”

She shrugged.

“I’ll let you go now, as well. But please think about more motives, and more counteracts. It’s really important. Also, I wouldn’t suggest going after him right now. He needs to think things through on his own, and you’ll only add to the burden.” He paused. “I am horribly sorry about your parents, Lily.”

“It’s okay,” she said softly, getting to her feet. “I’ve worked it out.”

“That’s very mature of you. Not many would be able to handle it, and if you ever find you need someone to talk to, feel free to come see me. I don’t mind.”

Lily nodded, heading to the door.

“Oh, and Miss Evans?”

Miss Evans? Confused at the sudden authority tone, Lily turned.

“Make sure you and Mr. Potter keep your personal business personal.”

Lily turned pink. “We don’t have any personal business, sir.”

Dumbledore’s eyes twinkled. “Oh, you will. Don’t worry.”

Lily coughed. “Excuse me?”

“You both are very attractive, and the air practically sizzles when you’re near each other. I really do see why the school would automatically assume you’d consummated a relationship.”

Lily felt her cheeks burn. “We didn’t do anything.”

“I know. But don’t try telling the school that. Denial is all the more incriminating. Just keep up what you’re doing know, and it’ll pass eventually. Good day, Miss Evans.” Dumbledore winked, releasing her, and, practically on fire with embarrassment, Lily hurried out the room.

~^~^~

“D’you think she’s been expelled?”

“I don’t know. Would they actually expel her for this?”

“I don’t know. They wouldn’t. Would they?”

Lily noted with pleasure that the voices on the other side of the door were worried. So they were feeling a bit of remorse, were they?

She opened the door to find Padmavati in her pink nightgown sitting on her bed, hugging her teddy bear, with an anxious look on her face. Kaye was also ready for bed in her Speedy the Magic Tortoise pajama pants and tank top, sitting cross-legged on her own bed with her curtains wide open like Padmavati’s. The two of them turned immediately at the sound of the door opening.

“Lily,” said Kaye. Lily looked at her, but she didn’t have any more to say.

Padmavati was on her feet and by her side as Lily attempted to cross to her bed. “Well? Well? How’d it go? Did Dumbledore lecture you?”

“About what?” Lily asked, kicking off her shoes and throwing open her curtains.

“About! You know.”

“No. I don’t.” Lily played it dumb.

“Lily!”

“Would you mind backing off a bit, Padma? I need to change for bed. I’m tired.”

“I’m sure you are,” Kaye remarked from the other side of the room. “James is strenuous, isn’t he?”

Lily closed the curtains around her, choosing to ignore Kaye. In the darkness of her canopy, she pulled her robes straight off her head without even bothering to unbutton them. She them moved onto the uniform, vest causing static that billowed up her hair.

She could not believe Dumbledore had said what he’d said. She’d always admired the man, but

I don’t know what to think of him now, she thought as she jerked her skirt down and kicked out of it. I think he’s rather crazy. She pulled her t-shirt on, and them some shorts, and worked her hair down to ground level.

Comfortable, she settled back on her haunches and stared at the closed curtains, the red of them glowing in the light from outside.

When did life get so complicated? Since when was it anything but getting the highest grades, picking on Padmavati, and teasing Frank?

Since James Potter had decided to surpass my average, that’s when, Lily thought semi-bitterly. And soon after that she’d been assigned a project with him, and James had shown her a new meaning to her favorite sport, and soon he seemed to fancy her in the oddest way, and soon that suspicion was proven true when her parents had died to cause her pain to hurt James, and soon she’d kissed him, and liked it, and then hated it, and then everything was completely crazy and Dumbledore was smirking at her, and the whole school was giving her funny looks, and James was cursing Voldemort, and he wasn’t just some perverted idiot — no, James was a person with feelings and powers he didn’t want and all he needed was someone to comfort him, but he didn’t make that comforting easy and soon Lily was seeing the ghosts of those killed by Voldemort, and they wouldn’t let her go unless James was there, but whenever she was with James she felt guilty, because maybe she was using him? – maybe, instead of comforting him, she was taking comfort in him, and she wasn’t supposed to because he’d stolen her average and –

The curtains flew open, and there was Padmavati in her pink nightgown, her long black hair pinned up and her almond eyes wide. “Lily? Lily, why are you crying? Lily?”

She was crying? Startled, Lily reached up and touched her face, and sure enough, there was moisture there, and when she looked at her fingertips, they were glazed with salty water.

“Lily?” Padmavati’s voice was shrill. “Lily, what’s wrong? Lily?”

She was curled up in fetal position, hands clutching at her ankles, leaving big red scratch marks. Her whole body was shaking, twitching, and she squinted in the light flooding in from where Padmavati stood. Kaye was soon right next to her, and Lily felt like a freak show. Why were they staring at her like that?

“Should we get someone?” asked Padmavati anxiously.

“No!” Lily said suddenly.

They gazed at her, wide-eyed.

She swiped the tears off her face and worked to regain her composure. “I’m fine.”

“You looked like you were having a — a seizure ” said Padmavati shakily.

“I’m fine,” Lily insisted, getting to her knees and shaking out her hands. She delicately

touched the lines on her ankles and winced. She hadn’t realized how long her nails had gotten.

“Lily, what’s wrong?” Kaye whispered, and Lily was startled to see genuine concern darkening her features.

“Nothing. I’m fine.”

“You are not fine!” Padmavati snapped. “You were shaking and crying and look at your ankles! Lily, what is wrong?”

Lily sucked in a sharp breath and shivered. What was wrong? What was wrong. How easy it was to ask the question. But how was one to answer it when oh so many things were wrong?

Padmavati sat down softly on Lily’s bed and reached out to tentatively touch her shoulder. “You weren’t expelled, were you?”

“No. Of course not.”

“Is it your parents, Lily?” Kaye asked in the gentlest voice Lily had ever heard.

Startled, Lily peered up at her, taking in her messy hair and make-up barren face, taking in her lopsided tank top and crooked pajama pants, and noticed for the first time how tired Kaye was. And somehow, a tired Kaye was much easier to confide in than an awakened Kaye.

“It’s everyone piled on everything,” Lily said softly, looking down at her bed.

Padmavati bit her lip. “Um ” she started. “Lily um I know you and James um didn’t do anything and I really didn’t say you did I really didn’t. I was joking. I would never — ”

Kaye chewed the inside of her cheek, eyes dark, and Lily knew that she was secretly stewing over what she’d seen Lily and James doing.

“He comforted you, didn’t he, Lily?” she said suddenly, pulling on her tank top. “He was there for you.”

Surprised at such insight coming from the ex, Lily glanced up. “Yes. Kaye, I didn’t mean for it to happen ”

“I know ” Kaye let out a dry laugh. “I didn’t really love him. He was just kind of there, and he was James, you know?”

Lily actually allowed a watery smile. “I, sadly, found out there’s more to him than meets the eye.”

Kaye smiled. “I never found that. Then again, I never looked really hard. Or maybe I wasn’t the key to unlocking it.”

Padmavati was watching the two of them with great interest.

“Would you like to draw a truce?” said Kaye, thoughtfully. “I forget I ever caught you two. You forget I ever blabbed and slandered?”

“I think that’s rather fair.”

They shook on it, and Lily felt a bit lighter than she had before.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Padmavati asked, hand still a light comfort on Lily’s shoulder. “I promise not to tell anything you say,” she added quickly.

Another watery smile. “Thanks for the offer, Padma, but I don’t think I can.”

Her friend looked slightly hurt, but as if she understood. “I suppose some things are better left unsaid?”

“Many things are. And it’s not a matter of trust between you and me, Padma. It’s a different trust.”

“He confided things to you,” Kaye said keenly, arms crossing and foot tapping thoughtfully. “And then he kissed you, and you couldn’t resist.”

Lily couldn’t help it. She laughed. “Perhaps.”

Kaye smiled lightly. “So I was wrong. It’s not just hormones or smart girl gone bad. It’s true love.”

Now this Lily couldn’t quite take. “No it’s not.”

Kaye raised an eyebrow. “Oh, it’s not, is it?”

“No. Far from it. It’s friendship.”

“With a few snogs scattered here and there, huh?”

“Not a few snogs. Two. And they weren’t really snogs.”

Kaye laughed. “If that wasn’t a snog that I caught, then I don’t know what is.”

“You obviously don’t.”

She rolled her eyes and Padmavati tittered. Lydia was still reading, pretty oblivious.

Lily felt embarrassed, but she wasn’t shaking and crying behind her own back. She felt as if at least one weight had been lift off her shoulders; she and Kaye and Padmavati weren’t spreading gossip about each other any longer, and Padmavati and Kaye knew she and James had something beyond what Kaye called “hormones.”

Now all she needed to work out was James and the ghosts and Voldemort and

She picked at her comforter in remorse. Would life ever be simple again?

~^~^~

There was something comforting about the stars glittering against a velvety sky. Maybe it was the way they were always there, never fading enough for anyone to see with a human eye, never ill, never wishing harm on anyone. They were there every night, even if a blanket of clouds covered them. And sometimes one even shot by just for a person to wish up.

A hushed, cool breeze blew against the side of James face, chilling him, so he hugged himself for warmth. His eyes never strayed from the sky.

Whenever he had problems to work out, he came up here, to the Astronomy tower, and sat on the windowsill. Sure, it was a rather haphazard place to be, but most of the times James came up here, living and dying seemed one in the same.

“You’re going to fall one of these days, Prongs,” a voice said by his ear. James didn’t even have to look to know who it was: Sirius.

“It’d be a nice journey down. Flying without a broom.”

“Complete with a nice, neat crack of your spine at the bottom,” Sirius muttered, hoisting himself on the inner sill. “Something horrible happened with Dumbledore.”

“No. Yes. Maybe so.”

“So it’s iffy,” Sirius remarked, looking out the window himself. “You aren’t expelled.”

“We didn’t do anything.”

“I know.” Tapping his fingers against the glass thoughtfully, Sirius looked at his best friend’s clear face. “What’s got you high, Prongs?”

At this, James glanced over. He smiled slightly. “I’m never low, huh?”

“Never. Always get high before you can sink. Personally, I’d prefer staying on the ground, but that’s me.” He paused. “What’s wrong?”

“Motives.”

A blank silence.

“I have to find out Voldemort’s motives.”

“Ah. Ah, and Dumbledore asked you about the project after dinner rather than lecturing you?”

“Yes.” James frowned, looking down at the ground far below. “I don’t care about his motives.”

Sirius was quiet, scratching at the meager stubble on his chin. “Not enough people do.”

A sharp glare. “What, you do?”

“Of course I do. I want answers. Why the hell kill my parents?”

“Because you’re my friend.”

“Oh, c’mon, James! You don’t really believe that crap, do you? Sure, that might have something behind it, but there’s another reason he wanted to torture you. He’s evil. And I want to know why.”

“Why?” James echoed. “Why don’t I join him? I sure as hell have enough motivation.”

“No, you don’t, Prongs. You’ve got too much love.”

A harsh laugh came in response. “Oh, and you would know, too.”

“I would.”

James sighed, staring up at the stars, falling silent.

“C’mon, Prongs. Let’s go back to the dorm.”

And James followed him.