Into The Woods

Into The Woods

Just remembering you've had an and when you're back to or

Makes the or mean more

Than it did before.

The Woods wasn't a famous tavern, like the Leaky Cauldron, or even infamous, like the Mended Drum. It wasn't especially large or luxurious, and its beer was nothing to write home about. Unless, of course, you wanted to tell everyone where not to drink.

No, there was nothing special about The Woods.

Except possibly for the two drinkers sitting side by side at the bar. Observe them.

Remus Lupin has been staring into the same mug of beer for the past half hour, possibly contemplating the terrible fate that might befall him should he drink it. His chin is resting on his hands, and he exudes that aura unique to solitary drinkers, warning all others away. You might wonder why it is, then, that he appears to have a companion.

The answer will be revealed when Rincewind speaks.

See Remus jump? Not very observant, is he?

"I beg your pardon?" Remus turned to stare at the man beside him. He hadn't been aware that anyone had been sitting there, and he'd missed the man's statement in his astonishment. He wasn't usually so oblivious.

"I said, what do they expect me to do?" Rincewind repeated. He - unlike Remus, who was still debating whether or not to drink his beer - was clearly just drunk enough to be in full rant-mode. "Spells? Learn spells? Don' have to know spells t'be a wizard."

"I'm sure," Remus said icily. Unfortunately, the man didn't seem to pick up on the hint.

"You should be," Rincewind agreed. "You've got robes, too. An' a hat. They'll make you learn spells too. Or they'll take th' hat. Tha's what they told me. Take my hat. My hat."

Remus glanced up at the hat on Rincewind's head. It was certainly a wizard's hat. Or, to quote it more accurately, a "wizzard's" hat. He couldn't spell or take a hint. O for two.

"I wouldn't blame them," he said, picking up his mug and moving down a seat.

To his increasing annoyance, the man followed him, apparently lost in some delusion of a sympathetic ear. "They said that," he told Remus confidentially. "Said it wasn' even a proper hat. 'S a good hat, though. A good hat. 'S got sek- seg- shiny things stuck on, see?"

Remus could, indeed, see. The sequins had been sewn on very badly, possibly by someone who'd decided to use a match instead of a needle, reasoning that they were, after all, the same shape. "It's a very good hat," he said with a sigh.

"Yeah. Tha's what I told em. Said they couldn' have it." Rincewind sighed, too. "They didn' care. Said I had to learn spells. Not a wizard if I don' know spells."

"Well, it stands to reason." Remus experimentally moved another seat down. Sure enough, the wizard - the wizzard - followed him.

"Doesn't," he said belligerently. "Doesn't have no reason. 'M a wizard. Not a good wizard, but still a wizard. An' I've done spells. Can' say I haven' done spells."

"I didn't." Remus considered getting up and actively walking away. Of course, that would take effort...

"Saved the world, too," Rincewind went on. "Lots of times. An' done spells. An' they say 'm not a wizard." He glared at Remus. "You too."

"I said nothing of the sort." Maybe the effort of moving would be worth it.

"Thought it," Rincewind insisted. "You're one of them. You all think th' same. Think 'm no good. An' I am. But 'm still a wizard."

"Yes, fine." Remus finally made the decision to stand.

But Rincewind snatched at his sleeve. "You'll tell them 'm a wizard," he said pleadingly. "Don' let them take my hat. Can't take my hat."

"No one wants your hat," Remus said, trying to pry the man's fingers from his arm.

"I do. You won' let them take it, will you?"

Remus sighed in frustration. "No. Now let go."

"Ah." Rincewind nodded knowingly. "You're angry. Now you're going t' chase me. They all chase me. Tha's why I run." He peered up at Remus. "You run too. We all run. What're you running from?"

"Everything." Remus tugged fruitlessly at the wizard's grip.

"Me too," Rincewind said solemnly. With his free hand, he clinked his mug against Remus's. Well, he got it on the third try, anyway. "T' running." He drank.

Remus stared at him blankly, then looked into his mug. What the hell, he figured. If it kills me, things can only improve. He took a gulp, and grimaced.

"Awful, isn' it?" Rincewind said with a grin. "Third-worst beer I ever had." He drank again.

Remus shook his head slightly, and downed the rest of his mug. He'd come here to get drunk. Might as well get on with it.

"Tha's good," Rincewind told him approvingly. "Don' think about the taste. Not worth the taste. Third-worst taste in th' world. * Jack!" He yelled for the bartender. "Get m' friend more of the third-worst taste in th' world, on me."

Jack got another beer for Remus, giving him a sympathetic look along with the mug. He was the one who usually ended up on the receiving end of drunken rants.

Never from Remus, though. Remus didn't rant. He cried, occasionally, but he never ranted. Something about him was too courteous to inconvenience others, even when he wasn't able to consciously think about it.

He would've liked to rant. Maybe it would've made him feel better to tell someone about how awful his life was. But that would mean telling about his secret... and people tended not to listen beyond the word "werewolf."

Coming back to himself, Remus noticed with a start that Rincewind had released him. But walking away would be awfully rude, after the wizard had just bought Remus a drink and all. Remus sat down again.

The next hour was something of a blur. Rincewind had continued to talk, and he and Remus had bought each other drinks. Remus achieved his goal of getting drunk, at any rate, though he didn't remember exactly how it came about.

What he did remember clearly afterwards was what happened next.

Rincewind was talking about something - what had it been? Some sort of box, that he was convinced ate people, wasn't that it? Well, it wasn't important. He'd stopped quickly enough.

Because Remus kissed him.

Later, Remus wasn't entirely sure why he'd kissed the wizard, even taking the alcohol into consideration. Before this, the craziest thing he'd ever done when drunk was walk repeatedly into the same wall and bruise himself from shin to shoulder. He'd certainly never kissed anyone, much less someone he'd just met.

But at the time it had simply seemed like the right thing - no, the only thing - to do. And Rincewind, after the initial surprise, seemed to agree. He opened his mouth, anyway, and that generally meant agreement.

But Jack came over to break the kiss off. He said that if they wanted to snog, he had no problem with it, but as they were putting off some of the other patrons, would they mind going elsewhere?

Elsewhere somehow turned out to be one of the rooms above the tavern.

"'M not s'posed t' do this," Rincewind mumbled as he shut the door. "Wizards are s'posed t' be celi... cela... not s'posed t' have sex."

"I'm a wizard," Remus pointed out. "So're m' friends. Hasn' stopped us."

"'S diff'rent," Rincewind began, but he was prevented from explaining exactly how it was different by Remus's mouth.

"Once can't hurt anything," Remus whispered, touching his lips to the wizard's neck. "Just one night."

Rincewind shivered as Remus kissed his bare skin. "Just one night."

~~~

* This was not entirely accurate. The third-worst taste in the world is in fact a potion made by combining Bubotuber pus with bicorn horn. But Rincewind may be forgiven this slight error, as if he had tasted this potion, he would be dead.

Not because it's poisonous. His taste buds simply would have revolted and forced the brain into suicide.

It's best not to ask about the first two placeholders.

~~~

For once, Rincewind awoke without his customary scream of terror. It was slightly worrying... but not so much as the odd feeling spreading through him. What was it? Not fear, or depression, or anger. No, he knew all of those. He recognized them. This one, whatever it was, was new.

Something occurred to him. He almost dismissed it out of hand... except... He considered the possibility. Could it be that this feeling was actually - dare he say it? - contentment? Could he actually be happy?

But that was silly. Rincewind couldn't believe he'd thought of something so ridiculous. Why would he -

And then his memories stole rather ashamedly back into his brain, just as he realized that there was, in fact, someone in his bed with him. And not just any someone. A very male someone.

Remus lay there, sleeping peacefully, his head resting just beside Rincewind's shoulder. Rincewind stared at him in disbelief, certain that any moment now he'd blink, wake up, and find himself alone again.

When this did not happen, Rincewind was forced to entertain the notion that he was not, in fact, dreaming. Which meant that he was in bed with a man. Which meant that - that he'd - they'd -

Rincewind's thoughts drifted to the previous night with the gentle yet persistent pull of a two-ton boulder suddenly introduced to gravity. They really had, hadn't they? Wow. No wonder wizards weren't supposed to do... that. With memories like these, how could he ever concentrate on magic?

Like when he'd...

And then he had...

And just when he'd been sure that had to have been everything, that he couldn't possibly feel anything more, he'd...

Rincewind snapped himself out of it. No, he couldn't go near a spell book with thoughts like that. It'd eat him alive.

But what could he do? When he went back, would the other wizards know? Would they see that he'd broken the wizarding law? Would it hang above his head like a fiery emblem of his guilt?

No. How could they know? And even if they guessed, who'd believe it? The thought of anyone wanting Rincewind, even someone drunk out of his mind, was absurd. Even Rincewind had trouble grasping it - possibly more trouble than anyone else would.

After all, he knew better than anyone that he was nothing special. He wasn't ugly, but he was certainly not handsome. And he had no illusions about what the beard did for him. If Remus had simply wanted a man, there were half a dozen others who looked the type to accept an offer, all of them better looking than Rincewind. And it wasn't as though Remus were ugly.

Quite the opposite, in fact.

Rincewind found himself looking at his - lover? was that right? - again. Neat and polite, calm and quiet, Remus slept unmoving, close without touching the other man. His pale brown hair had been touched with grey, and fell loosely across the pillow, freed by sleep. Rincewind could still feel it beneath his fingers...

He dragged his eyes away. He'd been drunk, that was all. And so had Remus. It hadn't meant anything, they'd just happened to be convenient. And now he'd go back to Unseen University and Remus would go back to wherever he came from and he'd never touch that soft silver-brown hair again, or fall into the bottomless amber eyes that could swallow him whole if he wasn't careful...

Rincewind shivered. This was as dangerous as any other trouble he'd ever gotten into. One night might not hurt anything, if he kept his mouth shut and stayed away from men with golden eyes and warm arms. One night, and he could still be a wizard.

But if he stayed here until Remus woke, it wouldn't stop there. He knew it instinctively. They'd both mean to leave, but someone would say something inadvertently gentle, or make a move reminiscent of the night, and then they'd end up meeting again. And if that happened...

Rincewind swallowed hard, looking at the sleeping man. Maybe it was because Remus was the only one who had ever shown any interest in him, or because he could still remember last night so vividly. But whatever the reason, he wanted Remus. He wanted to stay here and be here when the other man woke up, and kiss him, and...

No. Even if Remus felt the same way now that the alcohol was gone - and it was more than possible that he wouldn't - what would happen then? A wizard couldn't have a lover. Even if he had less magical talent than your average pretzel, Rincewind was still a wizard. And if he went back to the University and found out he had a lover, they'd throw him out.

Of course, they might throw him out anyway. He remembered now the original reason he'd come to the bar. The Archchancellor had said that there were too many wizards sitting around not doing anything, and declared that all wizards would have to perform at least one spell a year if they expected to keep their hats.**

For Rincewind, it would be less of a disaster if the world were scheduled to end. Again. At least he had a general idea how to deal with that. But how could he live in a world in which he was no longer a wizard?

All his life, Rincewind had understood the true meaning of the expression "caught between a rock and a hard place." Hell, it was his life. But now it applied more than ever. Did he go back and fail his test and get thrown out of the University? Or did he stay, and get thrown out before he could even have a chance to fail because he'd taken a lover?

Rincewind slid out of the bed slowly, so as not to disturb Remus. It was easier to think when the other man wasn't so close. He quietly began to pull his clothes on, slightly embarrassed that he'd gone to sleep without them. Now at least he'd be dressed, when he made his decision. Whatever it was.

But what would happen when Remus woke up? The problems Rincewind had now would be nothing compared to the problems he'd have then. It would be awkward. How could he looked Remus in the eye, knowing that only a few hours ago he'd been...

And even if he could, what would he see in those eyes? The alcohol was gone. Remus would be disgusted at what he'd spent the night with. Rincewind knew he was no prize, and Remus would certainly agree.

Rejection was one thing Rincewind didn't think he could take. Not if he saw it delivered through amber eyes deep enough to drown in. Better not to wait around to be rejected. Better to leave before you could be left.

Better to run away.

Rincewind picked up his hat and went to the door, without looking at Remus again.

~~~

** Rumor had it that this decision had resulted from a rather embarrassing situation involving the Dean, a coffee house, two blowtorches, Captain Carrot of the Watch, and an unexpected trip to the jailhouse by the Archchancellor in the middle of the night.

But you didn't hear it from me.

~~~

Remus knew immediately when he woke up that he was alone. Why this should bother him was vaguely puzzling... until he recalled exactly what had happened last night.

Had he really slept with that annoying drunkard who kept ranting at him?

It appeared so. And it also appeared that Rincewind hadn't hung around afterwards.

Not that I expected anything different, Remus reminded himself, sliding out of the bed to retrieve his clothes. After all, that was what a one-night stand meant. You didn't deal with anything in the morning, you just went off and on your way. Rincewind had had the right idea. There was no reason to be hurt.

Unfortunately, feelings rarely respond to reason. And now, Remus was even more depressed than he'd been when he came into The Woods. All he'd gained from the experience were cold memories and a hangover.

He went downstairs to pay for the room, but the bartender's pretty blonde wife, Red, shook her head. That nice man he'd been with had paid. Hadn't he mentioned?

No, he hadn't. Remus thanked her, politely declined to order breakfast, and left.

Into The Woods, and out of The Woods, and happy ever after.

... He wished...