The Best Class At Hogwarts

The Best Class At Hogwarts

Part I

My road to ruin started that damn June morning in Care of Magical Creatrures. See, before, I was okay with her as a friend. A F-R-I-E-N-D type of friend. Who just happens to be a girl. A girl with beautiful brown curls and luscious red lips and round, firm...anyway, a girl. I mean, Ron had cleared that up in 4^th year, right? But then he got bewitched with Luna (I believe it was at the end of 5^th year), and that led to our current state of affairs, which Ginny has named "The Stage Where No One Else Is Single But You and Hermione," or, when is she particularly frustrated by what she calls my "general male incompetence," "You Are an Idiotic Prat, Harry Potter, Who Refuses to See His True Feelings," and then promptly returns to snogging her newest boyfriend, Dean. (Knowing her dating habits, me and Ron have a betting pool on how many weeks they'll last.)

But back to that fateful day. See, like any summer day, it was hot. And of course Hagrid had to say that we were going in the lake to observe the Giant Squid. I mean, I love Hagrid and all, but really. Who would consider that fun?!? I swear, the class' main value is in the fact that it irritates Malfoy. But this expedition meant swimming, which, naturally, involved being in bathing suits. Gulp.

I mean, of course Hermione has grown up - we all have. But the thought of seeing her in a bathing suit...no, no, think of Snape in a bra, Snape in a bra...okay, better. So we all showed up in our swimsuits, even (unfortunately) Malfoy. The arrogant prat - he thinks he's God's gift to women, and most (except Hermione, of course - she's clearly above him) encourage him. He was even flexing his (ghostly pale, may I interject) "muscles" when I got there - what a narcissistic git...But despite that disgusting sight, I was composed until I saw Hermione come out.

She was wearing a black string bikini. A black string bikini that showed off her toned, lithe figure, with breasts you could stare at for days and an arse that could stop traffic. Her stomach was perfectly tanned and flat with - what?!? When did she get a bellybutton ring?!? So of course all the guys in our class were staring and frigging drooling, the perverts. I swear, if I see one of them look at her again, I'll make what I did to Voldemort look like a bloody tea party...I mean, so what if I was staring so intently that Ron had to smack me a few times! I'm her friend! Then, suddenly, the worst possible thing - er, "person," if you would like to call him that - happened. Bloody Malfoy strolls up to her, like he's never been anything but nice to her, and asks her to "tutor" him in Care of Magical Creatures for the rest of the year. Except there are 2 glaringly obvious things wrong with this:

So now, I'm shivering, walking back to the Common Room after losing 50 points from Gryffindor for "indecency" by - who else - Snape. Of course, since Malfoy "offered" (more like shoved and hexed Terry Boot, Ernie Macmillian, and Theodore Nott out of his way) to walk her back, she got house paints for "yielding to the guidance of superior company than which she usually resides with" by, again, Snape. Who, creepy pervert he is, seemed to be enjoying the view as well. And now, I get to look forward to their "tutoring sessions" for the rest of the year while sitting in detention for losing house points. My conclusion? Swimsuits should be banned - unless they are for the eyes of Harry James Potter only.

Part II

As someone who has "died" once and suffered the Cruciatus Curse many a time, I, Harry James Potter, have dealt with pain in my life. I mean, for Merlin's sake, I lived in a bloody broom cupboard until the summer of 3^rd year! But this - this is more painful than any of that. What has me in a such a state, where not even flying cheers me up, and Ginny, who can even tolerate Ron's sulking, tries to casting multiple Cheering Charms on me? Well, folks, today is the first "tutoring session" that Hermione has with Malfoy. And by "tutoring session," I mean Hermione's futile attempts to teach him about Blast-Ended Skrewts, or whatever the bloody hell we're studying now, while he stares at her chest. (Which, for the record and all, is admittedly ogle-worthy - not that I've looked, of course).

Another exciting part of these "sessions" will feature Malfoy saying various perverted comments that I would (and will) kill him if I heard it. He's such an arse that he's even taunting me about it, the git. "So, Hermione," he drawls, while smirking at me, Ron, Ginny, and the rest of the glaring Gryffindor table, "I can't wait for our study session. Make sure to, ah, dress for success. I mean, what you wore in that lesson last week was moderately successful, but you're an overachiever, and should, ah, reach higher, don't you think?" At this point, I've tackled him, losing yet another 50 points from Gryffindor for "trying to prevent inter-house relations" from Snape, and Ron looks ready to both hurl and hit him. And then she smiles apologetically at me, with a smile that could make even Snape dance around singing about how wonderful life is, and leaves with him. And, to top it off, Lavender and Parvati start giggling about how sexy he is. Honestly! How can an albino ferret be sexy?!?

I look to Ron for some support - a pep talk, a remark about how they must be as batty as Trelawny, anything - and what do I get? "Luna's looking bloody awesome today, isn't she?" Look, mate, I (I mean we, of course), have bigger issues to deal with right now! Malfoy's bloody propositioning Hermione, and you're looking at Luna! Since Ron is, for all intents and purposes, AWOL, and Ginny, having moved on to Blaise Zabini, has advised me to "either tell her how you feel, you coward, or move on and stop hanging around her like a jealous stalker," I must take matters into my own hands. Problem is, Hermione usually makes the plans...bollocks... Okay...I'll just have to think up my own and hope they'll work as well as hers do...

Possible Plans to Eliminate Draco Malfoy In Any Way Possible

(made during Double Potions)

Okay, so I've decided to go for Plan #3. Now, to execute it...

How to Execute Top Secret Plan

-Actually, mate, I bet even Binns could guess what you're going to do. - Ron

-Shut up, Ron, or else I'll tell Ginny that you tried to persuade McGonagall to put a tracking charm on her.

-But it was for her own good...fine!

Okay, back to the plan:

-But they would be so cute together! Ickle Malfoykins and Pince, snogging passionately...Oi, mate, I think I might need to vomit too... -Ron

So, it's settled. Common Room. 7:30pm. I, Harry James Potter, will ask Hermione Jane Granger out. Suavely. Without looking at the floor (or worse, her breasts). No, I will be suave and irresistible. Bloody hell! It's 7:29, and I just saw Hermione enter the Common Room...

"So, um, Hermione..." (Dammit! Look at her eyes! Eyes!)

"Yes, Harry?"

"So, um..." (Ah, yes, suave is my bloody middle name...after King of All Losers)

"Are you okay, Harry? You're a little flushed, and sweaty...maybe you should see

Madam Pomfrey..."

"No! I mean, no..." (Oh great, my voice just bloody cracked. In my bloody 7^th year!)

"Then what is it, Harry? I have tutor 5^th years in Arithmancy in 15 minutes!"

"WouldyouliketogoHogsmeadewithme?" (Say that a little faster Potter, why don't you?)

"Er, Harry, could you repeat that?"

(Okay, deep breath). "Hermione, would you like to go to Hogsmeade with me? Alone?" (Oh, bollocks, she's grinning. She's probably going to say that Malfoy or one of those rat bastard Ravenclaws already asked her...I'll show that Terry Boot how smart he is...)

"Of course, Harry! I'd love to!"

And then, she jumps into my arms, which have miraculously opened - thank you, Seeker reflexes! - and hugs me. And then, I don't know what possesses me to do even dare, I kiss her. And she returns it! It's better than anything - its indescribable, with her curls knotted in my fingers, which have somehow found their way there, and her tongue in my mouth...my god, it's incredible. Suddenly, Care of Magical Creatures is my favorite class. Ever.