Gazing

~~~

He knew it was a dream. He wasn't thirteen, but much older and yet still very young. Twenty-something seemed appropriate, even if he didn't know why. It was Christmas and everyone was cheerful, talking and having fun. James was there, James was his best friend. He, too, was older, wiser looking holding a bundle in his arms and smiling happily. Someone kissed James on the cheek and smiled to as she spoke to the bundle. James had a wife. James was a father.

James gave the baby to him, and Sirius knew this was his family. James, James's family, the baby... A hand settled on his shoulder and Sirius looked up and gave the baby to the newcomer. He smiled, feeling safe and warm and just thinking that everything was perfect.

Remus smiled back.

Sirius stretched as he opened his eyes. He didn't believe in dreams coming to pass, but this one had been such a nice one that a little corner in his mind hoped that it might be true someday. He, James, James's wife, a baby, and Remus. He smiled at the thought and yawned as he woke, stretching his arms once more.

Something was off.

He wasn't alone.

Sirius couldn't think. He closed his eyes. First he tried convincing himself that he was seeing things and that Remus wasn't in his bed. But when he reopened his eyes slowly, Remus was still there, and Sirius didn't know what to do. He felt confused and afraid and happy all at the same time. Looking over Remus, he saw James still sleeping. What time was it?

He poked Remus on the shoulder gently. "Remus?"

That's when Sirius noticed how pale Remus looked. "Remus?" he asked again, raising his voice. Remus didn't move, and it didn't appear that he was breathing at all.

"Remus?" Sirius said loudly, sitting up and shaking his friend. The smaller boy didn't even flinch, and Sirius pressed his ear to Remus's stomach. It rose and fell slowly. "Wake up, Remus!"

A sort of panic overwhelmed him, and Sirius ran to James's bed and shook him. "James?"

James opened his eyes instantly to see a mixture of panic and relief on Sirius's face. "Remus isn't waking up! He's pale and his breathing's weird."

"What?" James followed Sirius to his bed, not even questioning why Remus was there in the first place.

"Remus!" Sirius shook Remus's frame again, getting no response.

"Get Madam Pomfrey."

Sirius stopped and blinked at James.

"Now!" James yelled and Sirius was gone.

James searched for Remus's pulse and found it after a few seconds; it was very weak. A minute passed by, then two. Remus's pulse felt stronger somehow, as if it was picking up. James frowned in confusion; not only was Remus's pulse suddenly getting stronger, but it seemed as if some color was returning to his cheeks.

"What is going on?" he thought.

"Remus?" James asked tentatively.

The door opened, and Madam Pomfrey came in a rush with Sirius right behind her.

Remus looked liked he was simply sleeping.

~~~

It smelled weird. It smelled of medicines mixed with flowers and cleanliness. He knew that smell all to well. The hospital wing. That couldn't be right. It wasn't the full moon yet.

Remus opened his eyes. He was in the hospital wing. Why? For a moment he couldn't remember why he was there. He recalled trying to steal the necklace, getting pinned under Sirius's weight and fainting. He had no idea how he had ended up in the hospital wing.

There was a soft 'ahem' and Remus looked sideways.

"Good morning, Mr. Lupin." said Madam Pomfrey

"Morning," Remus replied softly.

Madam Pomfrey pushed back her glasses and checked a small chart she was holding. "It seems you had a severe reaction from over exposure to silver. You know better than to drink silver, Mr. Lupin. I would like an explanation."

"Where's Sirius? And James?" Remus asked first.

"They have been ordered to stay in their dorm until I tell them it's safe to come" -- Remus opened his mouth -- "which is after I get some answers from you as to why there are traces of silver on your body."

"I didn't drink any silver," Remus said firmly. Madam Pomfrey looked skeptically at him. Remus took a deep breath and told her about Sirius and the necklace.

"A necklace shouldn't affect you," said Madam Pomfrey, making a note on her chart.

"It does, makes me feel tired and cold, dizzy and sometimes nauseous."

"Then why did you expose yourself on purpose when you knew the side effects?"

"I was trying to" -- Remus took a deep breath -- "steal the necklace, I was thinking that maybe I could hide it."

"Wouldn't the reasonable thing to do be staying away from Mr. Black? Or ask him to remove the item?"

Remus's chest tightened, and for a long moment he didn't know why. He started thinking what would he do if he had to stay away from Sirius from now on, how he would do it, what he would tell him, and how he would feel.

Sad. Hurt.

Apparently Remus looked troubled, because Madam Pomfrey said, with concern, "You don't have to think about it now, Mr. Lupin."

Remus looked up at Poppy and tried to smile.

~~~

Dear nephew,

By the time you get this, your Christmas holidays will almost be over so please try to stay away from trouble or at least away from getting caught causing trouble on the next term.

Do well in your studies, enjoy yourself. I promise I'll go visit you once summer break starts, and remember I'm still very proud of you.

Uncle Alphard

P.S. Tell your friend that the silver is a rare type they discovered recently that is supposedly great for repelling werewolves. Not that you'll need protection from any werewolves at Hogwarts, but pretty cool, no?

"Brilliant!" Sirius said as he finished the letter. The first thing he did was tell James about it.

James didn't seem to share his excitement. He looked worried and thoughtful. "How long has Remus been sick?" he asked Sirius after checking the letter again.

Sirius tilted his head a bit to the side, thinking the question odd. It was true that Remus had been looking sicker lately, or at least seemed to be sicker all the time contrary to every once in a while. "Around when you came back I suppose, after Christmas."

James pursed his lips. "I mean, haven't you noticed? He's been acting weird. He already was sick when I got here."

Sirius blinked. "I... I did notice, but he said he was fine, and with his recent visit to his mom, I just thought he caught what she had," he finished, and suddenly looked alarmed. When had Remus started to get sick? Before James came back early, after Christmas. No. On Christmas.

He remembered Remus falling.

"Remus, are you all right? Can you stand?"

"I think so. It was just a dizzy spell."

It was true, what James said. Remus had been acting odd. He just started looking sick recently and, Sirius had been too happy with his first fun Christmas to really notice how bad it really was. "He said he was fine."

James picked up his book bag and pulled a red book from it. "I've been thinking, about Remus. After this morning I went to the library to get some books while you waited at the infirmary. The late night disappearances, his being sick and now..." Sirius paced in front of him. James read the letter again. "Haven't you noticed that he's sick around you?"

"How is Remus being sick my fault?"

James stood from his chair. "Why was he on your bed, Sirius? What was he trying to do?"

"Why should I know?"

"I believe Remus was trying to steal your necklace." Sirius opened his mouth, but before he could ask why, James spoke up. "Remus looked dead this morning, Sirius. You saw him. After you left, he got better. Then when you came back he wasn't."

Sirius stared at James. "What are you saying?"

James handed Sirius the letter and showed him the title of the book: Dark Creatures in the Wizarding World.

A shudder passed through Sirius, his hand going straight to the necklace around his neck. James said aloud what they were both thinking.

"I think Remus is a werewolf."

~~~

Remus returned to the Gryffindor common room before lunch. He had been fine since he woke up, but he didn't want to face Sirius, especially when he had no idea how the other boy had reacted when he found him on his bed. Unconscious, but he still had been on his bed. Pinned under him. Remus would happily go the rest of the day without facing Sirius.

He went up the stairs up to the dorm and halfway through he remembered that he couldn't stay with Sirius and James anymore and that he hadn't packed up his things yet. New term started the following day, and he wasn't James and Sirius's roommate. When Remus got to the room, it was empty. This way was better, he thought as he packed his trunk. He will be back to his room and that way it would be easier to limit his interactions with Sirius for the rest of term or to find something that would stop the necklace from affecting him.

He left the room, leaving no trace of his presence behind. Once his things were back in his own room, he sat on his bed. He was hiding, and he didn't like that one bit. He also hadn't had breakfast yet and was very hungry. He would have to face Sirius sooner or later, after all. He left the room and went searching for Sirius and James; they were nowhere to be found.

But Remus had made up his mind to face Sirius, so he searched. In the Great Hall, the Quidditch pitch, the dungeons, all the usual spots, and found them in the least likely place: the corridor between Gryffindor Tower and the library.

James hugged a few books to his chest, big books, old looking and darkish. If Remus had been more attentive, he would have noticed James was purposely hiding the titles from him. Sirius, on the other hand, had no books, but the small smile of someone who doesn't know what to say. There was an awkward silence. Awkward glances. Everything was awkward. James hugged the books tighter, Sirius opened his mouth and closed it again, and Remus was trying to get words out of his mouth.

Remus stared at Sirius. Standing just a few feet from him. Something in the corner of his mind kept telling his him something was different, but he couldn't figure exactly what. James spoke. "Feeling better, Remus?"

"Yes," said Remus, his eyes never wavering off Sirius. James knew when he was a third wheel.

"I'll be at the Great Hall," he said out loud to no one in particular before leaving.

Sirius blinked and Remus spoke, the words pouring out of him. Lies. "I'm sorry about this morning. I wasn't feeling well last night and had to use the restroom, when I got back I was so tired I must have slipped on your bed. Madam Pomfrey said I ate something that knocked me out. Sorry if I freaked you out--"

Sirius moved forward suddenly, stunning Remus into silence, and lashed out forward with his arm. Remus stepped backward until his back was pressed to the wall. Sirius's knuckles grazed the wall, his arm just a few centimeters away from Remus head. Remus was trapped between Sirius and the wall. He was forced to look up.

Sirius gazed downwards, his bangs getting in front of his eyes and his eyes matching Remus's. "You wouldn't wake up, Remus," he tried to say. "You looked dead... You scared me." All these things were on the tip of his tongue, but they were all overshadowed by six words: 'I think Remus is a werewolf". Remus. Quiet, don't-bother-me, set-a-good-example-for-the-first-years Remus was a werewolf. Impossible. It couldn't be true.

"Oh, that's okay," said Sirius finally, stepping away slowly. "Glad you're feeling better."

"Thanks," said Remus cautiously. "Erm... Did you eat lunch already?"

Sirius apparently was glad with the change of topic. "No. Did you?"

"No."

Sirius grinned. "Then I think we better hurry before James eats it all."

They headed down the corridor. Remus felt the huge lump on his throat disappear and the sense of dread melt away. He had faced Sirius, apologized, and Sirius was still talking to him. When they reached the Great Hall, Remus noticed what his brain had been trying to tell him when he first approached Sirius, what felt different. He'd been near Sirius for a couple of minutes now, and he didn't feel sleepy or dizzy, and bile didn't rise up his throat. He felt nothing at all. James called them over to where he was sitting, and on contrary to Sirius's words, he hadn't eaten it all by himself. As they sat down on opposite sides, he took a good look at Sirius's neck. The necklace was gone.