Live

The fingers of the sun stretched languidly across the sky like a luxuriating cat. The sky shone a pure blue, unstained by clouds or pollution. The air smelt of just wet earth, weighing on my nostrils heavily. It was a beautiful day.

I shuffled my feet along silently, feeling very cold despite the insistent rays of the sun pounding on my black attire. I let myself be ushered into a car with black tinted windows. I inhaled the gently fluttering artificial air of muggle air conditioning. Lupin got in beside me.

I looked out the window and watched the darkening foliage of the tree-lined street, ignoring the older man's presence.

"Harry," said Lupin, reaching out for my shoulder. I ignored him, "Harry..." He fell silent. A long time passed before either of us said something again. I shifted uncomfortably and the seat crinkled beneath me. Lupin spoke again. "Sirius wouldn't have wanted it like this..."

I tore my eyes from the window and looked Lupin in the face, my eyes flashing dangerously and my temper flaring. "Don't you try that sentimental crap with me.... You don't know what Sirius would have wanted!" I drew in a sharp intake of breath. Lupin looked taken aback. "Sirius is dead," I hissed. "Sirius is dead. Sirius is DEAD! HE'S NEVER GOING TO COME BACK!!! And you know why...? It's because he had to be so damn noble." My eyes began watering. "It's because he went to save me! He's DEAD because of me!!!"

Another silence stretched through the little car. "You and I both know that it would have happened anyway.... It's not always your fault, Harry...He's dead. There's nothing you can do that can make him come back. He would have wanted you to be happy, Harry. He sacrificed his life so you could live and be happy. I'm sure that Sirius would want us to move on"

"You mean he would want us to forget him," I said softly. "You mean he would have wanted us to forget he ever existed and live a bloody lie..."

Lupin's eyes hardened. "You can't gain anything from acting like this, Harry."

"Maybe I can," I said through clenched teeth.

"You're acting selfish. You're not helping Sirius. You're not helping yourself. You're not helping anyone by doing this..."

"And why do the hell would you know, Lupin?!" I demanded. "You don't understand how this feels...What do you gain from acting so goddamn wise?!"

"You have no right to say I don't understand how this feels!" said Lupin harshly. I backed away slightly. "I've known him for longer than you have! Do you think this isn't Hell for me!? I'm the last one left. I'M THE ONLY ONE LEFT AFTER ALL THIS!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW THAT FEELS?!?"

He took a long shuddering breath. "I'm sorry.... I'm not terribly balanced at the moment," he said with a wry smile.

There was a pause. "I guess you are the only one left," I said softly, "but he was the only one I had left."

"I guess our situations are pretty similar, huh, Harry?"

I paused. "No. No, they aren't," I said and left it at that. Lupin didn't pursue an explanation and I was grateful.

The car stopped with a soft screech in front of 12 Grimmauld Place. "We're here," he stated. "There's no longer any need for secrecy anymore. Without Sirius the protective wards around the place are too weak for it to be Order Headquarters anymore." He gazed mournfully at the house.

"Hmmm," I said noncommittally.

Lupin started heading towards the house and I followed him. Grimmauld Place didn't seem as intimidating when the sun's rays lightened its leering angles. It seemed subdued. But then again, we were all subdued without Sirius' presence.

The front door opened with a small creak, revealing a rather grim looking Tonks. Today, her hair hung limp and black upon a pale face. She looked rather odd wearing a completely black outfit. "Remus, Harry, the funeral's about the start."

The inside of the house was downright depressing. An uncomfortable dankness seemed to hang heavily in the air, though many of the items that had previously populated the house were gone. The walls were stripped of their ornaments and their wallpaper, revealing the walls' original murky vomit-coloured paint. Someone had put up a picture of a sunrise in a failed attempt at making the house seem more welcoming. A squeaky chattering emerged from some unknown crevice. I walked carefully past the sound.

We stopped at the drawing room. A number of muggle fold-up chair stood around the center of the room in a circle which were filled with various black clothed mourners. A single brass vase stood in the middle. I chose a chair partially obscured by a cabinet. Hermione and Ron waved at me. I ignored them.

"We're all here now," said Dumbledore, rising from his seat. He looked around at us all, his gaze lingering on me. He looked at me appraisingly searching for something within my face. I glared back defiantly. Dumbledore continued speaking. "Another member of the Order of the Phoenix has passed away." Many heads bowed somberly. "Sirius Black. He was important to all of us in some way - whether as a friend, a colleague, a student, or simply as the great individual we had with us once." Dumbledore looked down. "We don't have a body. Sirius is gone in a way more complete than most deaths. But that won't prevent us from celebrating his memory." Dumbledore stepped towards the vase and lifted his wand to his temple. "Rappalerio Sirius Black." Silver thoughts ran in a torrent from his mind into the vessel. "I have remembered him."

Lupin stepped up and said, "Rappalerio Sirius Black." A great stream of silver plummeted in. He shuddered slightly. "I have remembered him."

Shacklebot approached the vase and repeated the process.

"Rappalerio Sirius Black." "I have remembered him." "Rappalerio Sirius Black" "I have remembered him." "Rappalerio Sirius Black" "I have remembered him."

Ron and Hermione each stepped up with their eyes closed. Each repeated the incantation. As Hermione stepped down, tears were in her eyes. Ron gave her a comforting hug.

Finally, I was the only one left who had not gone up yet. "Rappalerio Sirius Black," I murmured quietly. I was immediately lost in a dizzying deluge of thoughts.

There was Sirius as I first saw him - a big black dog in Magnolia Crescent. There was Sirius' picture in the wanted ad. And there - Sirius scrawny and murderous in the Shrieking Shack. Sirius smiling as my parents' best man. Young Sirius as I had seen him in Snape's Pensieve. And there was Sirius asking if I wanted to live with him, face saturated with earnest hope. He was gnawing those chicken drumsticks in my fourth year. Thoughtful Sirius. Moody Sirius. Determined Sirius. Haunted Sirius. Murderous Sirius. Soft-faced Sirius. And there was Sirius falling through the veil...

I sucked in a long breath, fighting against tears that were threatening to overflow. "I have remembered him," I said finally.

"All of Sirius' friends have contributed their memories to this vessel," said Dumbledore. "It is everything we've ever experienced of Sirius Black. It is not close to having Sirius back, but I hope it is some comfort to you. For that is what this is about, comfort and celebration. This is not a time to brood but to celebrate how Sirius enriched our lives. He was a great person; one of the bravest people I've ever met."

Dumbledore blinked and his eyes were suddenly very far away.

"I remember when he first came to Hogwarts. He was nervous. He seemed too small for the Sorting Hat. I saw the look of triumph in his eyes when the Hat announced him as a Gryffindor. I watched him make friends with James Potter, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew. I watched him grow and flourish. I saw him laugh and prank and get in trouble. I saw him risk his life for his friends.

Sirius Black was one of the noblest people I've ever met. He was born into a family that never loved him and that pressured him to side with Voldemort. But Sirius overcame those obstacles. He became the man we all loved and respected.

Yes, he is dead. But he would have wanted us to live on. He wouldn't have wanted us to be weighed with his memory. He - "

"-Wanted to die, you mean? He would have wanted us to throw away all our memories of him?" I interjected bitterly

"Harry." Dumbledore sighed. "Sirius loved you. I'm sure he wouldn't want - "

"You're sure, aren't you? Like you were sure that Sirius was innocent?"

"That was different...I - I couldn't do anything..." Dumbledore looked defeated.

:"Bastard," I hissed. "You keep on doing whatever will benefit you and ignore everything that stands in your way. Who cares if a couple of people are hurt? Who cares if a couple of people are killed? It's all okay as long as everyone is happy at the end! IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT YOU RUIN PEOPLE'S LIVES!!!" My emotions spiraled ever higher. "YOU'RE JUST A STUPID OLD BASTARD!!!"

"Harry..." whispered Dumbledore.

"I HATE YOU. YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE."

"Harry...I've done everything I've been able to."

"Bastard, bastard bastard, bastard, bastard, BASTARD, BASTARD!!!" I rushed out of the room with my hands clenched tightly. I heard voices and a shuffling of chairs as they tried to stop me.

Tears ran down my face in an uncontrolled torrent. I dove into a small concealed space underneath a bush. I heard everyone else shouting for a sign of me. Their voices slowly faded away to hushed conversation. I hugged my knees to my chest and stared at the tendrilled limbs of the bush. I stared so long that I began feeling dizzy.

A shady silhouette of a man now was visible beyond the scattering of scrawny branches. He stepped towards me and I forced myself to sink further into the mossy ground. He bent down and swept aside the branches, ignoring the sharp thorns that covered them.

I froze.

It was Sirius...There he was...his hair long and straggly, a comforting smile on his face.

I sat as still as possible. I was afraid to breathe.

Sirius reached out a tentative hand, his black eyes sparkling with hope and fear. He let out a gasp as his hand touched my face.

It felt cold and clammy, but alive.

"Sirius..." I finally whispered. My heart was overflowing from happiness...Sirius was alive.

"You....you can see me?" he asked.

I wrapped my arms around him joyously. He seemed surprised and paused before he returned the embrace. After what seemed like a blissful eternity, we withdrew. Sirius looked so happy. His eyes were transparent with happiness, his lips pulled back in a wide smile. He looked so vibrant...so alive...

Sirius saw my expression and his smile faded. "I'm dead, Harry...I fell beyond the veil at the Department of Mysteries...I don't know why you can see me now, but I know I'm not alive."

"Why? Why are you here then?" I asked. My voice crumbled as I spoke.

"I...I don't know why I'm here. I don't know why I didn't pass on...I remember nothing after falling through..."

"You look so alive..."

Sirius looked down. "I know I am dead. Look at me, Harry. I'm not breathing...I feel...I feel the tug of something else at my mind...I know I'm not fully here."

I could feel tears returning again. "Why, Sirius," I asked desperately, "why did you have to die? Why couldn't you have been less noble? You could have lived, Sirius. You could have...If..." I was afraid to go on..."If...if it weren't for me...you would still be alive..."

"Harry...It was my choice..."

"But WHY? WHY did you have to choose to die?" I yelled.

Sirius smiled. "It wasn't a difficult choice. Harry...You're my godson. I love you. I'm supposed to care for you. If I hadn't died that you would have..."

"THEN I SHOULD HAVE DIED!!!"

I bit back a sniffle. "I should have died...You should have lived."

"I want you to live," he said without hesitating. Sirius put his hand on my shoulder. "I had nothing left to live for except for you. You...Harry...you have so much to live for. You have your whole life ahead of you...You deserve to find love and die of old age...There are so many people who care for you... I'm just a lonely old man."

"I care for you, Sirius...You're my godfather..."

A silence passed between us.

"I used to come here when I was young," Sirius finally said. "When I couldn't stand my family I used to come here to this bush and hide from them...They thought I was a coward for coming here all the time...Now they're all dead. And I'm dead. The whole Black family is gone...That's what I always wanted; a chance to live without a surname...It's mine now...You gave me that."

"You didn't have to die to have that..."

"There are things worse than death out there," said Sirius pensively. "I died the way I wanted to and I have what I wanted now..." He looked at me and his haunted black eyes were full life. "Don't spend your life mourning the dead. We're dead; you can't help us now. You, Harry, should live. Live like there's no tomorrow. Enjoy your life. Live. I want you to live without the burden of the dead. You deserve it, Harry."

Sirius began fading away. "Live, Harry," he said.

And then, he was gone. And I was alone once again.