The Love Bite Experiment

On a sunny afternoon in April, four young boys lounged in the grass. They were doing absolutely nothing, and that seemed to suit them just fine.

Abruptly, the ebony haired boy sat up. His friends glanced casually up at him as he opened his mouth.

"Hey, Remus," James said loudly.

Remus Lupin gave him a questioning look.

James didn't wait for his friend to answer. "You know how if you bite someone when you're in your wolf form, they turn into a werewolf, too?"

"Yes, I'm quite familiar with that fact," Remus replied, sounding bored.

"Well," James continued, "What if you bite them while you're human?"

At this, Sirius Black sat up straight and shook his head firmly.

"No using Sirius as a test subject," he ordered.

"Not one of us," James sighed. "I wouldn't risk the health and reputation, no offense, Remus, of someone I liked by trying to turn them into a bloody werewolf."

"Ah," Remus interjected sharply. "But you wouldn't feel any remorse about trying your theory on someone you aren't fond of. And if you're implying who I think you're implying, then there's no way. I'm not about to bite his Royal Greasiness, thank you very much."

"Oh, come on, Remus," Sirius laughed. "It's an interesting proposition. Go on, Peter, tell Remus to do it," he added, nudging the portly boy in the grass beside him.

Peter didn't stir. The warm sun had sent him into a deep and peaceful sleep.

"All right! Fine, you idiots win!"

James and Sirius cheered loudly. After seven hours of pleading and whining and begging, Remus had given in to their evil plot! And what an evil plot it was, for in Sirius's brilliant and diabolical mind, a plan to get Ickle Snapikins's greasiness bitten had formed.

"This is the plan," Sirius informed the group, once they had all gathered in the common room. "And if I may say so myself, it is both brilliant and diabolical!"

"Just get on with it, Black," Peter moaned.

"Fine, fine," Sirius said, waving Peter's boredom aside with one hand. "Here it is: my evil plan." He paused a moment to dramatically whip out the Marauder's Map.

"Now, Remus, you will be stationed here," Sirius said, pointing to an empty classroom on the third floor. "And Snape's got his Astronomy class at about, say, exactly midnight. So, you will wait until he's right outside your classroom, jump out and bite him, and then run away like hell."

Remus gaped. "That's your brilliant plan?" he asked in disbelief.

James, wearing a similar expression, patted Sirius's hand. "My friend, you have outdone yourself," he said reverently.

"Oh my God, I'm surrounded by imbeciles," Remus groaned.

"Don't worry," Peter piped up, "I think it's an idiotic plan."

Remus engulfed him in an enormous, fluffy hug. "I love you, Peter!"

Peter pushed him away, gasping for air. "Ack! Come on, Remus, Sevvie's the one you're supposed to give the love bite to, remember?"

Severus Snape was late to Astronomy. "Shit!" he muttered to himself. "I'm late to Astronomy!"

Meanwhile, Remus Lupin, crouched in a dark, deserted classroom, checked his watch. "Severus Snape is late to Astronomy," he commented dryly.

But, wait! There! The sound of shuffling feet, fast approaching his classroom.

Remus peered out of the door and saw the shine of greasy hair hurrying down the hallway. Yup, that was Snape. He heaved an enormous sigh. He could not believe he let himself be convinced to actually put his mouth on that--that thing!

Remus stooped down into the shadows as Snape ran past. He wiped his sweaty palms on a handkerchief (yes, the handkerchief conveniently placed in the deserted classroom because Remus is too neat to use his robes), bent his knees and sprang up. He leapt through the air, straight towards his target. As he flew, he felt a sudden rush of power. Yes, this was what it was like to be the predator, to have the prey in your grasp, to know that--oh, buggery shit.

He went careening headfirst into Snape, knocking the books out of his hands. At least while Snape is distracted, I can bite him and run, Remus thought, and quickly grabbed Snape's arm, bared his teeth, and--

"Bloody hell, Lupin! What are you trying to do!" Snape shrieked.

Remus, shocked, stared blankly at him. Then he collected himself and stood up, brushing off the front of his robes.

"I was, uh, fulfilling my prefect-ly duties by, er, informing you that you are late to class," he said grandly. "I just lost my balance."

"Oh. Oh, okay then," Snape said, relieved. For a moment there he'd thought Lupin was trying to give him a love bite, what with his mouth practically around his arm--but what were the chances of that?

Snape stood up to get to class. He collected his scattered books and turned to go.

"Wait, Snape," Remus said. "I just need to tell you something!"

Puzzled, Snape retraced his steps to face the taller boy. "Yeah, Lupin?"

Remus grabbed his arm and bit down--hard.

"Gyah!" Snape screamed! "Y-you broke the skin!"

"Well...yeah, did I?" Remus said with a shrug. Suddenly, a horrified expression clouded his face. "Oh, damn..."

With that, he turned tail and fled.

From the shelter of the dormitory, the Marauders watched Severus Snape in the light of the full moon. He was perfectly human.

"So," Remus said coldly. "I actually put my teeth on him for absolutely nothing."

"Don't think of it like that, Remus," James said reassuringly, patting him on the back. "You did it in the name of science! Just think how deprived our society would be without the knowledge provided by our little love bite experiment!"